25. Carina

CHAPTER 25

Carina

PRESENT DAY

I wake up the next day feeling positive and happy. I don't need a man in my life. I am an independent woman, and if any man can't be honest with me, then he doesn't deserve my time.

If only I really believed that.

I hardly slept, even though I crawled into bed as soon as I got home.

Grabbing a pair of leggings, and an oversized t-shirt, I get ready to see Grandma and find out how she's doing from all the follow-up testing.

I check my phone several times, hoping to see a message from Ryan, or even a missed call I somehow missed, but there's nothing. Only voicemail and texts from Alex, neither of which I've listened to or read. Where's Ryan?

I can't call him. I can't text him.

I can't call him. I can't text him.

I keep repeating the words to myself like a mantra.

I can't call him. I can't text him.

I can't give in and call him. I just can't.

I have no idea what happened yesterday. It's all a blur. Why was Ryan there? Why was my mother there? Why did Alex want me to do this to his brother?

I push the memory of yesterday away and try to move forward.

After locking the apartment, I make my way to the nearest subway station.

The musty smell of the subway curls my nostrils as it always does. I rub my nose with the back of my hand to try to mask the smell. I'm able to walk right onto a train just before it leaves the station. I steady myself on the moving train before walking through to the next car and find a place to stand.

My shoulder bumps into the man standing next to me as the train jerks to life at the next station.

"Sorry," I say as I look up at him.

He has dark hair, and a strong jawline. For a second, I imagine him wearing an intricately decorated green mask.

Nope, not him.

He grunts, ignoring me, and I sigh, annoyed with myself for hoping it could be Ryan.

I can't call him. I can't text him.

My heart sinks thinking about Ryan and our breaking up. My body feels heavy, as if weights have been draped over my shoulders. I should have stayed in bed. My eyes begin to sting and I blink away the tears.

I can't call him. I can't text him.

I can spend the day wondering why he was there or why my mother was there, but I did that enough yesterday, and it didn't help me feel any better. He lied to me. Who is he really? Do I know him? Was all of this just an act for him? That should be enough to make me move on from him.

But it isn't.

I miss him. It's only been a day, and I feel empty now without him. I check my phone again, but still nothing. I hover over his name, wanting to call him, but I can't.

I can't call him. I can't text him.

I don't even know what to think anymore. Is this my fault? I knew it wouldn't last. That's why I agreed to ending the relationship. He was too good to be true, and Grandma could get the support she needed.

But deep down, I always held out hope that something would change so Ryan and I could be together.

Now I'm not so sure.

I exit the subway at the stop closest to the hospital Grandma is at for the testing and climb the stairs to the outside world. The day is perfect with flowers blooming, and just enough heat to remind me that summer is here.

The hospital is quiet, clean, and comfortable, unlike the original, run-down hospital that is next to our apartment, where my grandmother had most of her treatment until recently. As I approach Grandma's room, I hear her talking, and I walk a little faster, hoping I can hear from the doctor how her tests are going.

I turn into the room and gasp as my stomach drops.

"There she is," Grandma says with her arm outstretched towards me, waving me to come closer.

With me on autopilot, I lean towards her and kiss her cheek as she squeezes me in a hug. She smells like the loose powdered makeup of hers that I used to play with when I was little. I focus in on her and realize she's completely made up—hair, face, even her nails.

As much as I want to, I can't ignore the other person in the room. I step back from her hug, and my eyes are drawn to her visitor's blue eyes.

"Isn't it nice of Alex to come see me?" Grandma says.

"Yes, very," I say, my eyes not leaving his. "Can we talk in the hall?"

He smiles and turns to my grandmother. "I'll be back in just a few minutes, beautiful."

Grandma giggles as I roll my eyes. Alex smooths his suit jacket once he reaches the doorway, grinning ear to ear. I hit his arm as we enter the hall.

"You have some nerve," I say, keeping my voice down.

"For checking on the woman in my care?"

"You know that's not why you're here."

"You're right, it's not. But it's been a day, and you won't even return my texts. Would you have preferred it if I showed up at your door?"

"Did you ever think maybe I was with your brother? He is my boyfriend, you know."

"But is he?" He tilts his head to the side.

His mocking knocked the wind out of me, but I refused to show it.

"You're being a dick."

"I've been told I'm good at that."

I cross my arms over my chest as I glare at him.

"Listen," he says, "I'm not here to fight with you. Despite how much I enjoy it."

"Then why are you here?"

"To apologize. Yes, believe it or not, that is something I'm capable of doing."

"Okay then, I'm listening," I say.

"I'm sorry for getting you involved in this. And I'm sorry about what happened between you and Ryan."

"Why did you do this?"

He takes a few steps away before sucking in some air. Then, he runs his hand over his head.

"I don't know," he said. "It's not really something I want to talk about right now. There's too much history to explain. One thing I will say, though, is I think I let it go so far because I was looking for a way to keep you around."

My shoulders slump slightly. I care about him a lot, but it'll never be in the way he wants.

"Why did you tell Ryan to come to your house?" I ask.

"I didn't. Why would I do that?"

"I don't know," I say. "He said he got a text to meet me, and I assumed it was you. Who else knew I was there?"

"I didn't even know you were coming by." He steps closer to me and lowers his voice. "Do you think it was your mother? She was there too. I didn't know who she was until one of the grounds people caught up with her."

"Really?" I groan. "I'm so sorry about that. I have no idea why she was there or how. How would she have gotten his number?"

He shrugs. "Where there's a will, there's a way. Guessing you haven't heard from her since then?"

"No, not at all. Thankfully. She's one of the last people I want to hear from."

"Looked like she was trying to talk to you before you and Ryan left."

"She was," I say with a nod. "She was saying something when I left with Ryan, but I couldn't hear her. There was too much going on."

"It was chaos," he says. "And what about him? Has he called you? Did you tell him the truth?"

"I haven't heard from him either," I sigh.

I look down, trying to hide my feelings, but he lifts my chin with his finger.

"Always keep your head up. Never let them see how much you're hurting, Carina. Never." He steps back, and his face hardens. "I'll reach out to Ryan and explain everything. I'll make sure he understands this is all on me."

"But it's not. I'm just as guilty. I agreed to everything."

"For a reason. A very important reason, your grandmother." He shoves his hands into his pants pockets. "I have no excuse or reason." He shakes his head. "At least nothing I want to discuss right now."

His eyes shift away, and despite how much I try to get him to look at me, he won't.

"You can't have it all, Carina," he says, his voice tender as he reaches for my hand. "It's either him or me. And we both know where your heart is."

I nod, feeling the weight of my sadness grow heavier.

"You're right. I'm sorry if I led you to believe there was anything between us. I won't lie. There were moments when I did think I could fall for you. And if I hadn't met Ryan, then maybe things between us would've been different. But you chose me for Ryan for a reason. I don't know what'll happen now between me and him. I don't know how real my time with him has been. But what I do know is that these past few months with you were special but in a different way. I really thought of you as a good friend, Alex. Someone I could talk to. Someone I could count on. Like a big brother. If that's not what you want, though, I'll understand. I'll miss that. I'll miss you."