11

I couldn’t sleep. I was in Mama’s room with her, and normally I slept my best when I was nestled up against her, but this

night was different. My mind wouldn’t let me have a moment’s peace, so after tossing and turning all night, I got up at five.

I thought I’d be alone for the next few hours, but when I got to the kitchen, Alicia was sitting at the table.

“You okay, Lish?” I walked over to her. She was sipping from a mug and leaning back in her chair with her eyes closed. When

I spoke, she opened her eyes and smiled. Relief washed over me.

“I’m fine. This baby just likes to give me fits every morning. I woke up with heartburn. It probably didn’t help that I ate two or three plates of food and desserts yesterday. I warmed up some milk to drink. It’s helping, and moving around some helps too. I just got back from a walk.” She cupped her belly with her hands. Because we both carried our weight in our stomach and hips, I hadn’t noticed anything different about her until she’d told me she was pregnant. Seeing her cradle her belly, it was so obvious. I couldn’t believe I missed it. What did it feel like to touch your belly and know that life was living inside your womb? I forced away my envy and instead focused on my cousin, who deserved this happiness.

“I’m sorry you aren’t feeling well,” I said as I went over and started a pot of coffee. “I couldn’t sleep either.”

“What kept you up?” She set her mug on the table and looked at me expectantly.

I told her about my conversations with Leon and Seth.

“Oh, girl. I’m sorry.” She came over to where I stood and wrapped her arms around my waist, leaning her head against my back.

“What did Grandma always used to say? ‘God’s got a bigger blessing waiting for you.’ Don’t let them menfolk run you crazy,

girl. It’s all gonna be okay.”

I swiped at the random tear that fell down my cheek. It frustrated me that I was so emotional these days. It made me feel

weak, and I didn’t like that. I was the strong one. Always. This new me, with the tears and the over-the-top emotions, was

foreign and uncomfortable. But I had more on my mind than babies and boyfriends. I was also worried about Chad.

“I also got a call about Chad,” I said, turning around and facing her. “Family court set a date for his hearing. I don’t know

how to tell him. He’s been so happy and has been trying so hard to be good. I just don’t want him to experience a setback.”

Suddenly I heard footsteps. I went to the kitchen door and saw Pee Wee creeping down the hallway.

“Pee Wee,” I called softly. I didn’t want to wake up anyone else. “Pee Wee, come here.”

He turned around and walked back toward me.

“M-m-ma’am?” He wouldn’t meet my eyes, which let me know that he’d heard what I said.

“Let’s go sit in the kitchen and talk for a minute. Okay?”

“Yes, m-m-ma’am.” He reluctantly followed me back to the kitchen. I often scolded the boys about eavesdropping. They came

from families where eavesdropping had sometimes saved their lives, but I wanted them to learn the importance of respecting

others’ privacy. Yet I understood that old habits were hard to break.

During a one-on-one session, Pee Wee had shared with me that he’d overheard his mother saying she was going to “loan him out”

to a dude who was going to give her some drugs. He had said he didn’t know what “loaning him out” meant, but he knew it didn’t

sound good. He’d run away and hidden in the woods behind his school for over a week, until the principal found him scavenging

for food in the trash can. On more than one occasion, Pee Wee had ended up on the streets, knowing it was safer out there

than at his home.

“I’m gonna go see if I can get a little more sleep,” Alicia said as she gave me an encouraging smile and then left the kitchen.

“Come sit with me, Pee Wee,” I said, pulling my robe tight. I fixed my cup of coffee, then joined him at the table. “You heard

what I said to Miss Alicia, didn’t you?”

He nodded as tears rolled down his face. “I don’t w-w-want Ch-Ch-Chad to go back to that b-b-bad place.”

I reached for his hand. “I know. I know you and Chad have become like brothers. But Pee Wee, I promise that I’m going to fight as hard as I can to make sure Chad is in a safe place.” I wish I could have said, “stays with us at the group home,” but I knew the courts well enough to acknowledge that if Chad’s mother showed even a glimmer of improvement, they’d return him to her. No further questions asked.

“Me and Ch-Ch-Chad talked and we w-w-wondered could we st-st-stay here with y-y-you?” Pee Wee said, the pleading in his voice

almost causing me to weep along with him. “We pr-pr-promise not to get in no tr-tr-trouble, and we can help o-o-out around

here. Gran said we’re g-g-good helpers.”

Once he finished his request, he began to cry in earnest, and I couldn’t stop my own tears from flowing. I pulled him into

a tight embrace. I wished I had the power to hug away all of his fears and sorrows. No little boy his age should have to beg

for the bare bones when it came to love and attention.

There was so much I wanted to say to him, but I had to remain the “executive director,” not the fortysomething, childless

woman who’d give anything to be the mother of Pee Wee and Chad. When I first had the hysterectomy, I wallowed in the pity

of never being able to conceive a child. I didn’t wallow long because I had boys who needed me—yet they weren’t my boys. I

only had them temporarily, and then they went on their way. But hearing Pee Wee beg me to somehow create a situation where

I could parent him and Chad broke my heart wide open. I wanted it, but this was a dream that had no chance of coming true.

I eased Pee Wee out of my arms so he could see me as I spoke. “Pee Wee, you and Chad are two amazing little boys. I would love nothing more than to have you around all of the time, but unfortunately, I’m not allowed to do that. The court system wants to reunite families when the parents are in a better place to take care of their children.”

“But can’t y-y-you stop them fr-fr-from sending Ch-Ch-Chad back to his m-m-mama?” Pee Wee implored.

“I ain’t going back to live with Lena.” Pee Wee and I both turned and saw Chad standing at the door. I didn’t know how long

he’d been standing there, but it was long enough for his face to have the appearance of a storm cloud. His body was rigid,

ready to turn his anger on anyone in his path. This wasn’t how I’d wanted either one of them to hear this news.

“Pee Wee, let me talk to Chad.” I watched as Pee Wee walked slowly out of the kitchen, not looking at his friend as he passed

by. Pee Wee, more than anyone, knew how volatile Chad’s temper could get. Chad never put his hands on Pee Wee, but he’d sometimes

yell, causing Pee Wee to run and hide in the closet of the room they shared. He’d stay there until Chad came and apologized.

Once Pee Wee was out of the room, I turned my attention back to Chad.

“Will you come sit with me?” I prayed I could calm him before we awakened the entire house.

“Don’t want to sit,” he grunted. His eyes looked cold and distant. His anger wasn’t directed at me, but if he lost control,

whoever ended up in his path could feel the full strength of his rage.

“I know you aren’t in the mood to sit, Chad, but our conversation will go much smoother if you do. Will you join me?” I motioned for him to come, and after a moment he complied, slumping in his chair with a face looking like a hurricane ready to break loose. “Thank you, Chad. I’m so sorry you had to hear that. I wanted to give you this weekend to relax before we had to deal with it. Please accept my apology?”

“I ain’t going back to live with Lena,” he said, folding his arms across his chest. “Ain’t no judge gone make me. Lena the

devil. She ain’t gone stop till I have to do something awful just to survive.”

His feelings were valid. I couldn’t, in good conscience, disagree with what he was feeling. I agreed that him living with

Lena wouldn’t be good, but my job was to uphold the law. I’d stalled as long as I could, but now that a court date was set,

all I could do was comply.

I also was troubled by his lightly veiled threat. What did he mean, “do something awful”? I didn’t know if I should ignore

his words or specifically address them. For now, I tried to divert his attention to the things we could control.

“We will have our day in court, Chad. We will have the chance to tell the judge all of your concerns,” I said, reaching for

his hand, but he snatched it away.

“Courts ain’t thinking ’bout me, Miss Katia,” he snapped. “They don’t care shit about me. They gone send me back to her, and

this time somebody gone die.”

My breath caught at those words. “What do you mean, ‘somebody gone die,’ Chad?”

He looked at me with unblinking eyes—eyes that were like empty shells, void of all emotion, void of all hope. “I ain’t taking no more beatings and I ain’t taking no more nasty touching from them awful men she brings around either. Ain’t nobody else gone put they hands on me again. I’ll do what I have to do to survive, but I’m done getting treated any kind of way by Lena and them menfolk of hers.”

I felt an awful chill roll over me. Chad was speaking from an honest place. Without a doubt, he’d do whatever he had to do,

which meant his future was bleak. I’d supported the child services system my entire career, but what they’d done to Chad and

Pee Wee—not to mention the infinite other boys and girl like them—was unconscionable. If you caged a lion long enough and

you kept poking it with a stick, eventually it would roar and fight with all its might to survive. Chad had been a caged-up

lion cub for way too long, and now he was ready to fight back. I feared that the courts would not realize it when they made

their decision soon.

“What about what Pee Wee say?” He looked at me wildly as he pleaded even harder with his eyes than Pee Wee had. He wasn’t

shedding any tears, but the desperation on his face was hard to witness. “Can’t we stay with you? Pee Wee ain’t got it much

better than me. They’ll be trying to send him back to his mama soon. Can’t you take us in? I’ll get a job somewhere. Maybe

the supermarket. Or construction with that dude who came by earlier. I’m big for my age. They’ll hire me and I can help pay

for whatever me and Pee Wee might need. Please, Miss Katia. We won’t be no trouble. I promise.”

His words were causing my chest to hurt. He was proposing something I’d love to do, but I didn’t see a way toward the future he and Pee Wee were trying to paint. I was a single woman and they were clients at the group home where I worked. The courts wouldn’t give me even one of them, let alone both. And what about the ethics of it? If I took in two boys from the group home, the others would begin to wonder why I didn’t choose them. This was an impossible situation, and I had no clue how to fix any of it.

“Chad, what you and Pee Wee are proposing is the sweetest thing anybody has ever said to me,” I told him, hoping he could

tell I meant what I was saying. Having these two boys tell me they wanted me to be their mother was a dream I never thought

to dream for myself.

“But you don’t want us,” Chad said, his shoulders dropping in defeat.

“That’s not what I said. The laws are strict about such things, Chad. The court wouldn’t agree to it.”

“Then I hope the court burns in hell,” he said, jumping up and rushing out of the door. I was about to follow him, but Marcus

walked into the kitchen. He was already dressed and still looked tired, but he appeared more like himself. I was grateful

for small victories.

“Let me go see about him, sis,” Marcus said. “Sometimes one broken person just needs to hear from another broken person. I’ll

make sure he’s alright.”

I simply nodded. It seemed the entire house was eavesdropping this morning, but I was thankful that Marcus was willing to step outside of his own grief and go see about Chad. He walked out the door, and when I went to the window, I saw him join Chad on the swing set in the far corner of the backyard. The swing set was a destination the twins used to head toward when one or both of them got into trouble or felt bad. I had bought it for them the first Christmas after Daddy died. They’d go out there and swing for hours, talking in their secretive twin language that only they understood.

“Fix this,” I prayed. It was close to six thirty. Everyone would be waking up soon, so I started making breakfast. Most relatives

would be driving back to Prichard this morning, and I wanted to send them on their way with full stomachs. It was only a two-and-a-half-hour

drive, but I wanted them to leave feeling good mentally, physically, and spiritually. That’s what Grandma used to say when

family visited and got ready to head home. She wanted to feed the entire person.

I was surprised Mama wasn’t awake yet, especially since I’d made the coffee. She’d done so much cooking in preparation for

Thanksgiving yesterday, she was probably tuckered out. I started making my grandmother’s Butter Swim Biscuits. They were a

favorite and pretty easy to make, and like the name implied, they were swimming in butter. Once I placed three pans of biscuits

in the oven, I started working on a pot of grits. The cooking took my mind off everything going on.

Before long Mama wandered into the kitchen, yawning and stretching, wearing the new purple gown with matching robe and slippers

that I’d bought for her. My tradition with Mama was to buy her new sleepwear when company was coming to visit. It made her

feel special, and I’d spent the better part of my life trying to put a smile on Mama’s face.

“Girl, you shoulda come for me to help,” she said. “I heard you when you got up, and I planned on getting up too, but Lawd, that bed started calling my name.”

I smiled at her as I began whisking the eggs. Mama always made the eggs according to everyone’s preference, from poached to

fried. I, on the other hand, knew one way to make eggs: scrambled. “You were resting so well. I didn’t want to disturb you.”

“I looked in on Marcus, but he wasn’t in his room. Is everything alright?” she asked.

“He’s fine,” I said and then told her about the situation with Chad.

“Just ain’t right,” she said, going to the toaster and loading it with bread. “They need to be thinking ’bout what these children

need ’stead of trying to hurry up and get ’em off their plates. It’s a scandal and a shame.”

I brushed away a tear as I stirred the grits. “I agree, Mama.”

She looked at me hard, her hands on her hips. “You okay, Katia? I know you care about all them boys that come through the

group home, but I ain’t never seen you take on like this. Is something else going on?”

I wasn’t going to tell her about Leon or my conversation with Seth. Leon deserved the right to tell Mama about his feelings,

and as far as Seth went, there was nothing to tell. I wasn’t going to guilt him into choosing a woman incapable of ever making

him a daddy. It wouldn’t be fair.

“I’ve allowed myself to care too deeply for these boys. I normally keep a healthy distance. It’s just different this time,”

I said. Mama came over and hugged me.

“Your hormones are talkin’ to you. Women your age usually want children. Not all, but a good many of them. You done spent most of your life taking care of everybody else’s children, but I know you want your own. I’m so sorry your body wouldn’t let you carry a baby,” she said. “But if you and Leon would just go on and get married, you could adopt you some babies. I know he’s a daddy already with grandbabies, but he’d consider children if you said that was what you wanted. You want me to talk to him about it for you?”

I turned back to the grits. “No, Mama—I don’t want you to talk to Leon about us adopting children. None of that is in the

cards for us.”

“Well, I don’t know why,” she said in a huffy voice. “You and Leon ought to be at a place where y’all is at least discussing

marriage and children. You can’t tell me that conversation ain’t come up at least once or twice.”

“I’d better check on the biscuits,” I said, opening the oven door. The smell of buttery biscuits filled the room. “They smell

just like Gran’s biscuits, don’t they?”

As I’d hoped, Mama got distracted. “They sure do. Every time you make them, I think about my mama. Here, let me put some bacon

in the oven while it’s hot.”

Soon after the grits were done and the biscuits were out of the oven, Marcus and Chad walked back into the house.

“Come here, Chad,” Mama said. Chad walked over to her, and she pulled him into an embrace. Marcus and I watched as our petite

mother imparted every bit of love and concern she had into that hug. After a moment or two, she stepped back and looked at

Chad. “I’m praying for you, son.”

To Chad’s credit, he nodded and said, “Yes ma’am.” Then he left the room, probably to find Pee Wee. He looked at me but didn’t say anything. I understood that he wasn’t happy with me. I was okay with that for the time being. I only needed him to eventually accept that I was doing everything in my power to protect him.

Shortly thereafter, the rest of the family began to stir. My uncle Rob and Curtis started lugging suitcases out to the car.

Aunt Marion and Alicia started setting the table. That gave me an opportunity to question Marcus.

“How did y’all’s conversation go?” I whispered after cornering him by the window. He was staring outside, looking like he

was far, far away. I imagined he was somewhere in the jungles of Vietnam, still searching for Aaron. He looked at me sadly.

“He’s in a bad place. Understandably.” He raised his hand as I was about to interject. “I know you fight for those boys at

the group home every single day of your life, but these two have become more than your clients. I can see it in your eyes

when you look at them,” Marcus said. “Do what you can for them.”

“I don’t know what to do, Marcus,” I said, frustrated and overwhelmed. “I can’t make the laws operate differently just because

I want them to.”

Marcus kissed my cheek. “I know you will do whatever it takes, sis.”

He and I watched as the boys came back into the kitchen, fully dressed. They went over to Mama, who gave them platters of

food to carry into the dining room, where we’d eat breakfast.

The room was solemn. The laughter and jovialness of the previous day was gone. Alicia had probably filled everyone in on what was going on with the boys. She wouldn’t have mentioned Leon or Seth, but the situation with Chad and Pee Wee was overwhelming enough on its own.

“Let’s all join hands,” Uncle Rob said, and as he prayed, I silently asked the Creator to please send me wisdom and knowledge

to handle this situation. I beseeched God to send a miracle our way. To bring Aaron home and to protect these boys, and all

of the other boys in the group home, from the danger they had to face when they weren’t in my care.