12

Saying goodbye to our family was always hard, but especially today. I needed them close by, yet one by one they were loading

up their cars to go home. It felt like they were driving to the end of the earth.

Seeing Alicia prepare to leave was even sadder for me than usual. I wanted my cousin to be closer than a phone call. The way

we clung to each other told me that she felt the same way, but as was the case with us, she was being the strong one. With

everyone else I had to be the Rock of Gibraltar, but with Lish I could be the one needing someone to lean on.

“I’m just a couple of hours away, Katia. All you have to do is call, and I’ll jump on the first thing smoking back to Troy,

Alabama,” she whispered in my ear.

“You can’t do that. You’ve got to take care of yourself and this baby,” I said, wiping away the tears. “Nothing should come

before that.”

She laughed softly. “This baby better learn sooner than later that you are my sister-cousin and my best friend. When you need me, I’m here. No matter what.”

I nodded, hugging her even tighter. I touched her belly and said a prayer, silently pleading with God to let this baby stay

put for the five months needed for it to be full-term. We hugged once more, and I stood at the door, crying and waving. After

everyone else had left, I went looking for Chad and Pee Wee. I found them sitting on the floor in the bedroom Alicia and Curtis

had occupied. As much as I knew it would hurt my hip, I lowered myself to the floor. My knees made an obnoxious cracking sound.

Normally the boys would laugh at the sound of my old, noisy bones, and I’d laugh with them, but neither they nor I were in

a laughing mood. One look at their faces told me they were still discussing Chad’s upcoming hearing.

“You boys okay?”

“Ch-Ch-Chad and me tr-tr-trying to make a pl-pl-plan,” Pee Wee blurted.

“Shut up, Pee Wee,” Chad ordered. “You ain’t got to have such a big mouth. Some things is just between you and me.”

“Tell me what you’re talking about. Maybe I can help.” I kept my voice calm. I had learned that the less I reacted to the things the boys said to me, the more likely they were to trust me and tell me the truth. Sometimes the truth was hard to hear. These boys I took care of had complicated and heartbreaking lives. The things they thought about and dealt with were adult-level situations. Who was I kidding? The average adult hadn’t experienced half of what my boys had experienced. But somehow they kept getting up after life punched them down. That’s why I took their truths to the chin without allowing myself to become overwhelmed in front of them. I felt as if I owed them that.

After a brief silence, I spoke again. “It’s okay. Just tell me.”

“N-n-nothing,” Pee Wee muttered, looking down at the floor. He hated displeasing Chad more than he hated lying to me. I knew

he wouldn’t reveal any more intel, so I turned my attention to Chad.

“Chad? I’d love to hear more about this plan you guys are cooking up. Maybe I can help,” I said again, waiting and watching

as their eyes met, and they had a silent dialogue with each other. They reminded me of the twins when they were younger. Aaron

and Marcus could have entire conversations without uttering a single word.

Finally, Chad rolled his eyes at Pee Wee, and then he spoke. “We trying to figure out what to do when we get separated. Ain’t

neither one of our mothers got an inside phone like you, so we figured we’d come up with a plan for staying in touch or getting

help when we need it. I know y’all don’t like us kids to do stuff like that, but this’s ’bout survival, Miss Katia.”

I didn’t know what was sadder—that they’d made a plan or that they were resigned to the fact that they’d be separated from each other soon, in addition to likely being in danger. I knew better than to argue with them concerning the impending separation. The two of them had spent enough time in the system to know the reality of their fate. I knew it too. It would take an act of God to keep Chad from going back to live with Lena. The court system nearly always erred in favor of the mother, regardless of how terrible she was. The thought of them being out of my protective care was painful. I had allowed myself to get too close to these boys, and now, when the day came when we all had to say goodbye, I already knew that they and I would be inconsolable.

“I can understand why you boys would want a strategy in place.” I resisted the urge to reach for both of their hands. Neither

they nor I needed the sentimentality at the moment. Right now, we all needed a concrete plan. “Let’s see if I can contribute

to what you have already put into place.”

The three of us discussed things like memorizing my phone number at the group home and here at the house. We talked about

safe spaces they could go to, like churches or fire departments, if things became too dangerous at home. It broke my heart

that we had to have such conversations, but the more we planned, the calmer the boys seemed to become.

“I know h-h-how to find m-m-my old sch-sch-school. I’ll h-h-hide there if I-I-I need t-t-to. Just like be-be-before,” Pee

Wee said with a smile, belying the seriousness of his words. It was clear he was proud of his problem-solving skills. I was

too, but at the same time, hearing him speak that way pained me. “Is that a g-g-good idea, Miss K-K-Katia?”

I had to will away the sob trying to form deep inside my throat. That I had to sit on the floor with these boys and come up

with ways for them to escape from harm was almost too much. Before I could answer him, Chad chimed in excitedly.

“Yeah, man. That’s smart,” Chad said, patting Pee Wee on his back. “And then you can go to that lady’s house you said was across from the school and tell her... I mean, ask her if you can use her phone. Tell Miss Katia her name so she can write it down in your file. Then, if Miss Katia needs to get in touch with you, she can call that lady.”

“Yeah,” Pee Wee said. “Her name M-M-Miss Cordell. She lives on S-S-South Union Street. S-S-Same as m-m-my school. Wh-wh-what

about you? What’s your p-p-plan?”

“I’m gone try to tell that judge to send me to foster care or juvie. Either one of them be better than going back to Lena,”

Chad said.

“Wh-wh-what if j-j-judge say no?” Pee Wee questioned. “What you g-g-gone do th-th-then?”

“I’ll just stay outta her way and her boyfriend’s way.” He shook his head up and down, as if he’d just come to that conclusion.

“Don’t worry about me though. I’m gone be fine. I’m gone try to get a part-time job if they do make me go back to her. Save

up some money and then come back here to Troy and go to school where Mr. Jason goes. I know some folks who might can help

me if I need help before then.”

“Chad,” I said in a warning voice.

He grinned. “No criminals. Good people. Like you and Mr. Jason. If I end up here in Troy, I can leave word at that barbershop

Mr. Jason takes us to, but I doubt they’ll let me stay here. If I’m down in Ozark, I can run over to that AME church or to

the gas station down the road from it. I promise I won’t break no laws, Miss Katia, and if I can’t get a legal job, I’ll make

sure I don’t get on Lena’s nerves. How old I got to be before I’m a legal adult?”

“Twenty-one in the state of Alabama,” I said softly.

“Twenty-one?” Chad said, raising his voice. “How is it I can fight in a war at eighteen but I ain’t no adult till I’m twenty-one? How the hell I’m supposed to stay safe and out of trouble if I’ve got to take care of myself for another seven years? Don’t make no damn sense.”

His point was valid, and considering the situation, I did not scold him for using foul language. I understood where his feelings

were coming from, and if anyone had a right to be angry, he did. I didn’t have any good answers for his questions, so I did

what adults often do: I tried my best to divert their attention from the worst parts of their stories. I got them back on

track fine-tuning their “plans,” which took most of the afternoon.

I was exhausted when we finished, so I let them go watch television. The local news was on, but they were looking forward

to watching The Wild Wild West and then Star Trek . Mama promised them they could watch The Guns of Will Sonnett with her when Star Trek ended. She planned to enjoy her television buddies, and I wasn’t about to try to take away their fun, especially since she

didn’t know Leon and I had broken up. I had no clue how she’d respond to Leon’s advances, but I had an inkling I’d be returning

to television-buddy status soon. After the boys and Mama were happily preparing to settle in for a night of TV viewing, Marcus

and I got ready to go to his first session with Seth’s veterans’ group. Marcus was dressed in his Marine uniform. Mama came

up to him and wrapped her arm around his waist.

“You sure, baby?” she asked. She didn’t elaborate, but it was clear what she was talking about.

“I’m sure, Mama,” he said, bending down and kissing Mama on top of her head. “If things get too rough, I’ll walk outside and get some air.”

“We should go,” I said softly. I didn’t want him to change his mind about going and I didn’t want to give Mama any more time

to potentially sway him to stay.

We gave Mama hugs and left. My truck decided to be cooperative tonight, and I was grateful for that. Marcus didn’t talk much

on the drive, and I decided not to prod him. In some ways, I welcomed the silence. My mind was overrun with so many thoughts

that I, too, needed some time to process everything. When we arrived at the church, he sat in the passenger seat, neither

speaking nor moving.

“Are you sure you want to go to this meeting?” I asked, repeating Mama’s sentiments. The parking lot of First Missionary Baptist

Church had about five or six cars in it, and I recognized Seth’s truck even though it was nearly dark outside. I reached over

and touched his hand. “It’s okay if you don’t want to go, Bubby. There’s always next week.”

He shook his head, wiping away a tear. “If I don’t go today, I won’t go. I need to get my head right. Talking to these guys...

who know a little something about what I’m going through... might help. At least I hope it will help.”

“Then you go inside, and I’ll be right here waiting. Okay?” He looked at me and nodded. I kissed his cheek and held him for

a few seconds before releasing him with a gentle pat on his cheek. He exited the truck and I watched as he slowly made his

way toward the door.

This moment reminded me of when he and Aaron went back to school after Daddy died. They were afraid and lost, even though they had each other. For their first week in class, I sat outside of their classroom window so that if they got scared they could look outside and see me.

I wasn’t sure where the meeting would be inside the church, but I wanted Marcus to know I’d be right here, just like always.

Waiting for him. I was glad he was being so brave in tackling his depression, but more so for tackling his sadness and fear

concerning Aaron. Even though we hadn’t talked about it much the last few days, we understood that with each passing day,

the likelihood of Aaron being found alive grew smaller. I was terrified that when and if we received that call, I’d lose Marcus

too.

I leaned back in the seat of my truck and closed my eyes. It was cool outside, but with a light jacket on I was fairly warm

inside the truck. I kept an old blanket in the back for really cold days. Before long, I started feeling drowsy. I fought

sleep at first, but then I gave into it, grateful for peace and no nightmares. What felt like only a few seconds later, a

knock on my window startled me awake. I was unaware of how long I’d been asleep or how long the person had been knocking.

I put on my glasses and realized it was Seth. I rolled down my window.

“What’s wrong? What happened? Where’s Bubby—I mean Marcus?” I demanded, ready to hop out of the truck the second he told me

what was wrong.

“Nothing is wrong, Kat,” he said quickly. “I just wanted to come tell you that Marcus was still talking with a couple of the

guys he knew from basic training. I didn’t want you to worry.”

“When it comes to my family, worry is my first, middle, and last name.” I almost cried from sheer relief that there was no immediate need for me to panic, but I was determined not to shed more tears anytime soon. I was tired of being a water fountain.

“Do you mind if I sit with you for a minute?” Seth’s voice was quiet. I truly wanted to say no but found myself inviting him

into the truck anyway. My heart needed protecting right now, and I was the only one who could do it.

I watched as he rounded to the passenger side. As soon as he opened the door, I caught a whiff of his cologne. I steeled myself

against the attraction I felt for him. I didn’t say anything, but he began to talk.

“When I came back from ’Nam, Denise told me she couldn’t handle being with a crippled man,” he said. “Turns out, before I

even made it back to the States from the hospital in Saigon, she’d packed up all of her things and moved back home with her

parents. Mama and Daddy moved me back here with them. I wanted to die. I even tried once. I took a handful of sleeping pills,

but I threw them back up before they could do any damage.”

I gasped. How could anyone be so cruel to another person, particularly someone they had stood before God and promised to love

“in sickness and in health”? I only vaguely remembered Denise from school. She didn’t hang around people like me. The nerds.

The awkward girls. She was pretty and popular, but I didn’t remember any stories of her being hateful. I reached over and

touched Seth’s hand. “I’m so sorry, Seth. That is deplorable. You deserved better treatment than that.”

“She didn’t want me to enlist. She said I was stupid for signing up for a white man’s war.” He took a deep breath. “The draft is escalating, Kat. It’s just a matter of time before every eligible man is sent over there. I figured if I enlisted, what with me having a medical degree in psychology, maybe I wouldn’t get sent off to the front lines like so many of my buddies in the military already were, but soon as I was done with training, they sent me to the worst of the fighting. Maybe she was right. Maybe I was stupid.”

“No, you are not stupid, and she was not right, Seth.” I turned to face him. Even though it was dark outside and the parking

lot lights barely illuminated the inside of the truck, I hoped he could sense my sincerity. “What you and all of these young

men have done is the height of bravery. You all went over there to fight for freedom. That’s never stupid.”

“I don’t know, Kat. I was thinking back to what Muhammad Ali said. He said he wasn’t going ten thousand miles from home to

kill other poor folks—poor brown folks. Maybe he was right. Maybe I signed up for a fool’s errand. I just don’t know.”

I took his hand in mine. “Seth, being a Black person in this country ain’t easy. We love America a whole lot more than it loves us, but this is the only country we’ve got. I’m not disagreeing with Muhammad Ali that something feels off about us fighting against other poor brown folks, but those same people shot off your leg and kidnapped my brother. They’re not innocent in all of this either. There is enough blame to go around for everybody. So, you doing what you thought was right is all you, my brothers, or any other man or woman can do in this lifetime. Daddy used to say that when the Judgment comes, we all might be surprised at who got it right and who got it wrong and who just made some good guesses. That’s all I know.”

Before he could respond, Marcus and some of the other men walked out the front doors of the church. They weren’t jovial, but

they didn’t look beaten down. I said a quick silent prayer for each one of them, that their steps would become lighter and

their minds freer.

“I should go,” Seth said and patted my hand. “Thank you, Kat. I appreciate you listening.”

“We’re friends,” I said. “And if you want to know how amazing you are, look at those men coming out of that church. You set

aside your grief and your pain and your sadness to help them. That’s not a stupid man. That is a man with integrity.”

He ducked his head with what I assumed was embarrassment. “Thank you. I do it for myself as much as for them.”

“Why are you doing construction instead of working with men like my brother and the others full-time?” Construction work was

noble, but helping others seemed to be Seth’s calling. I wondered why he had left it behind.

“I don’t think I could handle the weight of this work full-time,” he said. “Volunteering to meet with the guys once a week

is about all I can manage. At least for now.”

I instantly understood what he meant. Sometimes running the group home was more than I could bear. Days like today made me

question if I could continue, especially when it didn’t feel like it was truly making a difference.

“I’ll see you next week. Take care, Kat.” He exited the truck as Marcus walked up to it. They shook hands, and then Seth limped away. I looked over at my brother as he sat down in the truck, closing the door sharply.

“How was the meeting?” Because of the darkness of the night, I couldn’t make out his features to read his emotions, so I waited

for him to speak. I listened as he sighed deeply.

“It was definitely overwhelming at times, but helpful, I think.” He leaned back wearily against the seat. “All the guys were

welcoming and encouraging.”

“Seth said you met some people from your basic training?”

“Yeah. Both of them got injured over there. Not as bad as Seth, but enough for them to get sent home. One of the guys is trying

to see if the Marines will send him back,” Marcus said.

I was surprised to hear that. I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to go back to that awful place. I said the same to Marcus,

and his words shocked me.

“I’d go back tomorrow.” He hugged himself tightly. “All they would have to do is say the word.”

“Because of Aaron?” I questioned, trying to understand where he was coming from.

“Partly, but also because I’m a Marine, Katia,” he said. “A Marine only wants to come home for one of two reasons. Because

we destroyed our enemies or because we’re inside a body bag. There’s no honorable discharge for a Marine.”

He didn’t sound like my little brother who used to cry over a baby bird falling out of its nest or a squirrel lying dead on

the road. It was scary to know this was how he thought these days. While I was still processing his words, he reached for

my hand.

“I just want my brother back. I want to hear him call out my name, and I want to see him running toward me, ready to give me a big bear hug. I don’t know if I can do this life without him, sis.” I touched his face, which was wet with tears. My heart was breaking for him, and for the first time ever, I didn’t know how to ease his pain.

I pulled him to me, holding him as tightly as I could. “Don’t say that. Don’t say that, Bubby.”

But I knew he was just being honest. He and Aaron had never been apart before, and it was wearing Marcus down. I imagined,

if Aaron was still alive, the separation was doing the same to him. Once again I prayed that God would give us a miracle,

more so for Marcus than for me and Mama. I knew that somehow Mama and I would survive even if the worst happened, but Marcus...

I truly couldn’t imagine him living without Aaron, just like he said. When they were babies, Mama tried putting them in separate

cribs, but they’d cry and cry until she put them together again. They’d snuggle up next to each other and sleep for the remainder

of the night. I prayed that Aaron wasn’t suffering out in the jungle, wanting nothing but the warmth of his big brother beside

him.

“Let’s go home, Bubby,” I said.

Suddenly I was more tired than I’d ever remembered feeling before. I wanted to go home and escape all of the bad feelings

and thoughts. Maybe I’d play Nina Simone’s album High Priestess of Soul when I got home. A nice long bubble bath and Nina singing in the background seemed perfect. Already I could hear her singing the words to that familiar song that was always sung during baptisms at my church, “Take Me to the Water.” When I first discovered it on her album, I was intrigued. I’d always thought of that song in the context of church. Hearing her sing it with both a churchy and bluesy growl added another level of meaning for me, one I’m sure my mother wouldn’t appreciate. But I did believe that just as there was healing in the act of baptism, there was healing and redemption in the voice of my favorite singer. And tonight I desperately needed Nina to calm my mind.