10

Our house was small. When Mama, the twins, and I were alone in the house, it felt cramped. Yet somehow, on family holidays

like this, it was as if the house expanded to include all of our loved ones. Every room would be occupied, whether someone

was eating, taking a nap, or playing a game of bid whist or dominoes, but the house never felt overcrowded. Most of the children

were outside playing football, basketball, and tag, or sitting on the front porch talking and catching up with each other.

I was enjoying the quiet kitchen, where I was finishing up with the cleaning.

“Hey, girl,” my cousin Alicia called out as she reentered the kitchen, carrying another armful of dirty dishes. “Your mama

needs to let go of the rule that we have to eat Thanksgiving dinner on the good china. Chile, it’s like these plates is out

here having babies.”

I laughed. “Just put them in the sink. Surely this is the last of them.”

“Until they all get ready for dessert or seconds or thirds. I promise you, one more person comes in here asking about a clean plate, I’m going to go all the way off.”

Alicia was always the cousin I had sought out, from childhood until now. We were alike in so many ways, but in other ways,

like her sense of humor, we were exact opposites. Alicia was always good for a laugh and the first to crack a joke, usually

at the most inappropriate times. Like me, she had recently started wearing her hair short. We both had dark skin and a mole,

though they were on opposite sides of our faces—exactly like mirror twins. Since Daddy died, she frequently checked in on

Mama and me, and seldom did a morning go by that we didn’t call each other, at least to say good morning. Alicia was close

to being the sister I never had.

Mama had three sisters and one brother, and all of them took the Scripture “Be fruitful and multiply” to heart. In total I

had twenty first cousins, forty-five second cousins, and God knew how many others. Not all of them made the trip this year.

Most of them lived in Prichard, Alabama, near Mobile where Mama grew up. But for Thanksgiving everyone who could made the

trek to Troy. At first it was because Grandma lived here with us, but after Grandma passed away, they still made the trip

here because Mama was the oldest sibling and Great-Aunt Hess was Grandma’s last surviving sister. Mama guilted everyone into

continuing to come here, and they did. Plus, she said she didn’t have the energy to take her cooking on the road for the holidays.

No one seemed to mind. Everyone would pack up and come to town, bunking wherever they could.

Uncle Rob, Aunt Marion, Alicia, and her husband, Curtis, came last night. I gave my room to Uncle Rob and Aunt Marion, next to Mama’s room, because it was the nicest. Marcus tried to offer up his room, but I knew he needed the familiarity of his bedroom. The boys gave up the room they were sleeping in to Alicia and Curtis. I provided sleeping bags and they camped out in the living room. To tell the truth, I think they enjoyed sleeping on the floor in the living room more than they did in the twin beds in the guest room. Plus, it was only for a few days. As always, we’d make it work.

“Marcus seems to be doing a little bit better,” Alicia said as she scraped the food off the plates before handing them to

me to wash.

“I think so. One day at a time.” I remained cautiously optimistic. I’d been watching him all day, making sure all of the people

didn’t overwhelm him. Yes, they’re family, but for the last few days, the house had been pretty low-key. I didn’t want all

of the loving wishes and endless questions to cause him to be overcome with too many raw emotions—emotions he was just coming

to grips with. “I just pray we get some word about Aaron. It’s torture not knowing if he is alive or dead.”

“I know, honey. One day at a time, like you said.”

“Sorry to interrupt you,” a voice called out.

Alicia and I both turned to see Seth standing in the doorway. Other than greeting each other when he’d first arrived, he and I hadn’t had much of an opportunity to talk. He’d arrived right when we were gathering in the dining room for Great-Aunt Hess to say the family blessing. The oldest relative was always tasked with blessing the family for the upcoming year and giving thanks for all who were still able to congregate. All of our names were written in the family Bible that the oldest family member kept, and on Thanksgiving, she called each name, and if any new births or deaths had happened, they got documented in the Bible.

When Seth walked into the dining room, looking good in a blue button-down shirt and blue jeans, all eyes went to him and then

to me. My cheeks started burning. I looked at Leon, but he was busy chatting with Mama. I introduced Seth to everyone, including

Leon, who shook Seth’s hand and turned back to Mama. They were discussing some TV show. I was glad no one seemed to think

it odd for Seth to be here. I didn’t want to set tongues awaggin’.

Now, as he stood at the door with dirty plates in his hands, I was thankful Alicia was here. I relied on her to carry the

conversation. It was easy talking to Seth about the group home or Marcus, but everyday small talkI wasn’t very adept at.

“Oh, you’ve got more dishes,” Alicia groaned. “Those dang plate babies. Well, bring them on in. Seth? That’s your name, right?”

“Yes,” he said with smile. “And you’re... Cousin Alicia?”

She smiled back. “That’s right. Good memory. There are tens of thousands of us running around here today, all with the same

daggum faces. The Collins genes are strong, I tell you. I commend you for getting my name right. So, how do you and my cousin

know each other?”

Seth and I looked at each other, yet neither of us spoke right away.

“Uh, cat got y’all’s tongues?” Alicia asked, peering over her glasses at me. “Let me ask my question a different way. Where did you two meet?”

“School,” we said in unison, and then we all laughed.

“Seth and I were in high school together. I tutored him in English. He was the quarterback.” I couldn’t stop myself from blushing.

Thank God my skin was dark enough to hide it.

Alicia grinned. I knew there’d be a million questions later.

“Well,” he said slowly. “I’ll head back. I’m supposed to be partners with your uncle Travis in a game of bid whist.”

“Careful,” Alicia warned. “Uncle Travis don’t play when it comes to whist. You better not make no mistakes, or you’ll never

hear the end of it. I tried being his partner once, and that was enough for me. Who y’all playing?”

“I think the guy’s name is Leon. His partner is Kat’s mama.”

Alicia looked at me and laughed. “Uh-oh. Well, have fun.”

Seth shook his head, waved slightly, and walked out. I turned back to the dishes, hoping Alicia would ignore the awkwardness

that had just transpired. Of course, she wouldn’t be Alicia if she didn’t tease me.

“Kat, huh?” she said, coming over beside me, bumping her hip to mine. I flicked some suds at her as her face split into a

grin. “Now explain to me why you ain’t said a doggone thing about that fine specimen of a man. How long has Seth been in the

picture? You introduced him like he was nobody special. Clearly he’s special.”

“He’s not in the picture,” I said gruffly. “I’m seeing someone. Remember?”

“Old Deacon Leon?” She snorted. “Chile, please. You need to give that crotchety old thang to your mama and get yourself some Seth. Why are we even debating this?”

“I’m not having this conversation with you, girl,” I said, laughing in spite of myself. “Finish cleaning those dishes off

so I can wash them and we can get out of this kitchen.”

“Katia, all jokes aside, you can’t be putting all your chips on Leon—or Brother Leon, as your mama calls him. That man got

to be at least sixty-five or seventy.”

“He’s fifty-five,” I said defensively as I continued to wash the last of the dishes Seth had brought into the kitchen. “And

age doesn’t matter to me. He’s a good man. A really good man, and I won’t do anything to hurt him. At least not intentionally.”

“Katia,” Alicia said, taking my hands out of the dishwater and holding them in hers. “This isn’t about whether he’s a good

man or not. I’m sure he is, but your entire life you have been settling. Stop settling. And I’m not talking about age differences.

I’m talking, does he make the hairs on your arms stand up? Does he make your breath quicken? Does he get you all hot and bothered?”

I let my hands slip from hers and dropped them to my sides. I was really blushing now. “Stop, Alicia. Stop with all of that.”

“Baby girl, it’s clear that there isn’t a lick of chemistry between you and Leon. Anybody with eyes or insight can see it.”

I looked down at the floor, but she lifted my chin, and the look on her face was so tender and loving, I felt tears start

to stream down my face.

“I get it, Katia,” she whispered, drying my tears with a napkin from the counter. “Until I met Curtis, I thought no one would want me. I was almost forty, a big girl, with the kind of sense of humor that a lot of folks don’t get, so before Curtis, I settled for whoever would laugh at my jokes and tell me I was ‘pretty in the face.’ It wasn’t until I met Curtis that I realized I never should have accepted crumbs when I deserved the entire cake. Sis, you deserve the cake. You deserve a man who looks at you the way that fine brother looked at you when he came into the kitchen.”

I clicked my teeth and turned back to the dishes. “You’re just making stuff up. He didn’t look at me no kinda way. He’s just

nice. That’s all.”

“Ain’t that much nice in the world, cousin,” she said with a laugh. “That man looked at you the way a man should look at a

woman. You think he brought them dishes in here just to be nice? Honey, has it been that long?”

I wiped away another tear. “No man has ever looked at me the way you’re describing. Leon is nice to me, and he’s good to Mama.

And the boys. That’s enough.”

“No, ma’am,” Alicia said, shaking her head firmly. “That’s not nearly enough. I don’t know what’s wrong with these men in

Troy, Alabama, but if I have to drag your butt all the way down to Prichard where menfolk love a girl with some meat on her

bones, then that is what I will do. But like I said, I saw how Seth looked at you, girl.”

“I can’t have babies,” I said softly. “A man like him wants a woman who can give him babies. I’m not that woman.”

Alicia reached for my hand, tears streaming down her face. “Don’t think that way, Katia. I saw goodness in that man’s eyes.

At least give him a chance.”

I pulled away. I couldn’t allow my mind to go where Alicia was trying to take it. “I’m going outside to check on the boys.”

She sighed. “Okay, Sister-Cousin. I’m not going to argue with you anymore about this. Plus, I’m tired. I think I’ll go lay

down.”

I looked at her with concern. Alicia was never tired. “Are you okay?” I couldn’t handle more bad news about someone I loved.

She smiled. “I’m fine, cuz.”

Now I was really worried. Her words said one thing, but her tone said another. “No. Something is wrong. Please, tell me. Alicia,

if you don’t...”

“I’m pregnant,” she burst out. “Four months yesterday.”

I knew my eyes must have looked like they were going to pop out of their sockets. “A baby? A baby, Lish?” I said, using my

old nickname for her.

“Shhh.” She giggled, putting her hand over my mouth, but then her face got serious. “We ain’t told nobody yet. What with the

other babies...”

I pulled her into a hug. I knew about the miscarriages she had suffered. I also knew how much she wanted children. “I’m so

happy for you and Curtis. Let’s just pray that this pregnancy is the one.”

“From your lips to God’s ears,” she said as we parted and the tears rolled down her cheeks. “The doctor says everything is

looking good. I’m just too scared to actually believe him.”

“Like I said, we will pray, without ceasing, for this pregnancy.” I put my arm around her waist and kissed her cheek. “Now

go rest. You shouldn’t have been on your feet this long anyway.”

“I’m alright. But I’m going to head to the room for a while. I love you, girl.”

“I love you too.” I watched as she walked out of the room. I tried to focus on the joy of the moment, but sadly I only felt one emotion: jealousy. It enveloped me like a winter coat.

“When do I get my ‘happily ever after’?” I whispered, trying hard not to cry. I didn’t want to cry anything but happy tears

over Alicia’s news.

I felt awful for giving in to jealousy for even a second, but I had to acknowledge it so I could then release it. That’s what

I’d tell the boys, especially on days when a boy went back to his family or to a new home and others had to stay behind. We’d

sometimes spend hours talking to them about their feelings. I knew what I was feeling was similar. It hurt to know that for

the first time in a lot of years, my sister-cousin was about to embark on a fantastic journey that I’d never experience. That

hurt. Bad. But I had to push forward and bring myself back to the joy of the situation. Otherwise, Alicia would pick up on

it and it would make her feel bad. I couldn’t bear for that to happen. So I breathed... and released. Breathed... and

released.

Once I felt more like myself, I put down the dish towel and walked outside where the kids were playing. I wanted to make sure

Chad and Pee Wee were still getting along with the other kids. The last thing I wanted was any drama with the boys, especially

since Chad’s hearing was coming up soon.

Just like before, they were all ripping and running. They didn’t even notice me coming outside. I sat on the porch for a few

minutes, and then I went back inside. Leon was in the kitchen, fixing himself a plate of dessert. He looked at me and smiled.

“Got a little hungry,” he said, rubbing his belly with a laugh. “With this gut though, I reckon I could just leave this sweet potato pie where I found it. Did you make this?”

I nodded. “Are you done playing cards?”

“Yeah,” he grumbled. “Travis and that young buck beat me and your mama like we stole something.”

I hid a smile. “Well, that happens. I guess I’ll go see what everyone’s doing.”

“Wait a minute,” he said, placing his plate of pie on the counter. “Would you walk out a piece with me?”

I looked at him curiously. “Sure. Let me put my shoes on.”

I went to my room and put on my sneakers. When I got back to the kitchen, Leon had finished off the piece of sweet potato

pie. “Ready?” he asked.

“Yes.” I followed him out the door, and we wandered down the road. We reached a big rock that the twins used to jump from

when they were younger, and Leon motioned for me to sit. But then he didn’t say anything.

“What is it, Leon?”

“I don’t really know how to say this, or even if I should say this today.” He fidgeted a bit and then took my hand. I nearly

panicked because I feared he might be proposing, and that was the last thing I wanted.

“Maybe we should just do this another day,” I said as I pulled my hand away, but he took it back into his grasp.

“I need to say this now,” he said. “And I apologize for the timing. I know you are stressed, but if I don’t say what I need

to say, it’s just going to make things worse.”

I was really confused. I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about, so I waited. Finally, he took a deep breath and said something I never imagined he’d say.

“Katia, I’m in love with your mama. And before you say anything, I know how wrong that is. I have been fighting this feeling

for the longest time, but I don’t know what to do about it no more. You are the sweetest, kindest woman there is, and you

deserve better treatment than this, but I can’t pretend no more.”

I was stunned. Then I became overcome with laughter. Alicia was wanting me to give Leon to Mama, and lo and behold, Mama already

had his heart. My laughter started off as low chuckles, but soon I was laughing so hard tears rolled down my face.

“Oh, Lord. You done got the hysterics,” he said, and that made me laugh even harder. The sheer irony of that word nearly took

me over the top. No babies. No man. No nothing. I shook my head, wondering how I managed to get here in this moment. “Oh,

honey, don’t cry.” He patted me on my shoulder as awkwardly as always. I should have known a long time ago that I wasn’t the

object of his affection. But Mama? Not in a million years did I think she’d take my man.

“I’m not crying,” I managed to say, even though my face was covered with tears. “I can’t believe you are dumping me for my

mother. I think that is one for the books.”

“I’m not dumping you for nobody, Katia. I would never be so disrespectful as to try and date your mother after dating you.

That’s not godlike,” he said firmly. “But I can’t keep seeing you and being around her. It’s just too much.”

I wiped my tears with the handkerchief he handed me. “Who says it’s not godlike, Leon? Not me. If you fancy my mama that way, then go for it. Life is too short, and death is too long for people to not be with the one they love. Go talk to her, and tell her you both have my blessing.”

He looked at me with an expression like he didn’t believe me. “Are you sure you not going through some kind of shock?”

I nodded. “I’m sure. And if it makes you feel better, I was thinking about doing the same thing—tell you that this thing between

us wasn’t working out. You are a good, good, godly man, Leon. The kind of man any woman would love to have. I’m not that woman,

but maybe Mama is. I know she cares for you deeply. So go, Leon. Tell Mama that you like her. I’ll let her know I’m all good

with it, if you think that will help.”

“You are an incredible woman, Katia,” he said. “I don’t think I’ll do that with everybody around, but maybe next Saturday

when I get off the road. As long as you’re sure.”

“I’m sure,” I said in a firm voice, and I was. I’d feel far less guilty if he and Mama did get together. I didn’t want to

hurt anyone by breaking up with Leon, so this was a solid compromise. Oh, I knew folks’ tongues would wag, but like I said,

life was too short. I hoped against hope that Mama would say yes to Leon. They were already the best of friends. They might

as well take it to the next level.

“Well, I think I’ll be moseying on home.” He leaned over and gave me a quick peck on the cheek.

I watched as he walked away. A few minutes later, I heard his truck crank up and then drive off, dust flying everywhere. That was when my tears began to fall—not from laughter but from true sadness.

“You couldn’t even keep Brother Leon,” I said with a harsh laugh. I had to confess that it stung a little. Okay, a lot. It

was one thing to break up with someone yourself. It was something altogether different when that someone broke up with you.

Leon and I didn’t have a romantic relationship, but it was consistent and familiar. Now I was alone again. I put my hand to

my mouth to keep from wailing loudly, like someone out of their mind.

“Are you okay?” I heard someone ask.

I turned toward the direction of the voice. It was Seth. I furiously swiped at the tears. The last thing I wanted was for

anyone, let alone him, to find me outside crying. But then I decided to tell him the truth—about Leon at least.

“I think I just got dumped.” I laughed, turning my head away from him. He came and sat beside me on the rock.

“I didn’t know you were dating anyone, Kat. I’m sorry.” He lightly touched my arm.

I shook my head, feeling silly for being so emotional. “Well, the fact that you didn’t notice who I was dating in this crowd

is a sure indication that nothing was that deep. It was Leon. The guy who partnered with my mama in bid whist.” When I told

him what Leon had shared about his feelings for Mama, Seth whistled low.

“Damn, Kat,” he said. “I’m sorry. That’s messed up.”

I shook my head. “It’s fine, and it was obvious now that I think about it. Neither one of them did anything wrong. At this point, Mama doesn’t know about Leon’s feelings, and I’m not crying over him. If he and Mama got together, I’d be their biggest cheerleader. I’m crying because I’m alone again. I’m forty years old, I have no man and I have no children except for the boys at the group home, and I don’t really have them either. At the drop of a hat, the state can take them away, whether it be to a good home or a bad one. So, I’m just having myself a good ol’ pity party—minus the fancy hats and the sparklers.”

“Any man would be lucky to have you, Kat.” His voice was so soft I almost missed it.

“What did you say?” I didn’t want to come across as someone fishing for compliments, but I wanted to make sure I’d heard him

correctly.

“I said, any man would be lucky to have you.”

“We shouldn’t be having this conversation,” I said and moved to leave, but he gently pulled me back down beside him on the

rock.

“I know this is all of a sudden. I apologize. But I like you, Kat. A lot. I’m still working on healing from this war, and

I don’t know when that will happen. I mean, I’m not as bad off as a lot of the men who came back from ’Nam, but I’m not whole

either. I have nightmares, both when I’m asleep and when I’m awake. I haven’t had a drink of liquor in ten months, but I have

to be vigilant so I don’t give in to the darkness. I’m taking everything one day at a time, and I know it is a lot to ask

anyone to deal with me and my demons. Denise couldn’t. But having said all of that, I want to give us a chance.”

I felt awful that I sat there and allowed Seth to bear his soul while I held on tightly to my insecurities and secrets. But I just couldn’t tell my truths. I felt too vulnerable. I didn’t want to see the pity or the disgust in his eyes. I stood up.

“I’ll bring Marcus by your group and I’ll see you at the home next week. Have a good rest of your week.” As I started walking

back toward the house, I felt tears forming again. But I refused to let them fall.