Chapter 20

Chapter Twenty

Sophie

I couldn’t even believe that I’d gotten up the courage to ask, and she had actually agreed? At first, I thought she was going to tell me to get out and never speak to her again, but she only paused and then I’d babbled, and she agreed.

She was going to kiss me.

I hadn’t been entirely honest with my reasoning for wanting to kiss her. I should probably feel bad about that, but I didn’t know any other way to do it. Reid had to be my first sapphic kiss. She just had to be.

“Are we doing this or not?” Reid asked while I internally flipped out.

“Wait, now?” I asked.

She nodded. “No time like the present.”

My hope when I came over was to get her to agree to the kiss and then we’d do it later. After I’d brushed my teeth for at least an hour and had time to do a lip scrub to make sure my mouth was as kissable as possible. One needed to prep for this kind of thing.

But now Reid was looking at me and I couldn’t find the words to say any of that. I couldn’t say no to her right now if I tried.

Reid stood up and stepped around the couch.

“Oh, uh, right,” I said, getting up and facing Reid. She moved closer to me until we were almost touching. Reid was just about two or three inches taller than me, so we were pretty well matched as far as height. That was another point in her favor. I don’t know if I’d want to kiss someone who was so tall they had to bend in half to reach my mouth. At least not for my first one.

“Soph?” she asked as my mind went off on a bunch of tangents.

“Yeah, okay.” Impulsively I licked my lips and looked into her eyes. She was gorgeous. She was so gorgeous, and she was going to be my first kiss as a lesbian. How had I gotten so lucky?

“Are you ready?” she asked.

“Uh huh,” I said, and started to lean in.

“Wait,” she said, and I froze.

Reid tucked some hair behind my ear and stroked my cheek. “Just thought we should take a second.”

“Of course. Should I do something?” Kissing had never made me this freaked out before. Kissing guys had always just kind of happened and I’d expected it. When those kisses didn’t send me over the moon, I kind of forgot about them.

Kissing Reid wasn’t like that. Kissing Reid was monumental, at least for me.

Trying to find some sort of natural instinct, I put my hands on her shoulders, like we were slow dancing or something.

Her T-shirt was so soft from being washed so many times.

“Ready?” Reid asked me.

I nodded and kept my eyes open as she leaned closer. I should probably be leaning too, but suddenly I couldn’t move.

The world stopped spinning as Reid’s lips touched mine.

Ohhhhhhh my god. Oh. My. God.

Her mouth was warm and firm and nothing like those other kisses I’d had.

If I hadn’t known I was a lesbian before this kiss, I did now.

Very gently Reid kept pressing her closed mouth to mine. Somehow, I was able to get myself to move. To kiss her back. To angle my face so I could get closer to her. To clutch her shoulders in desperation because holy fuck, this was it .

One of us let loose a moan (Her? Me? Both of us?) and then she opened her mouth and took complete control of the kiss as if she’d asked and I’d said yes without even having a conversation about it. She’d just known what to do.

Reid kissed me deeply and slowly, as if she wanted to savor every single moment. My mind was a complete blank. No anxious thoughts or worries or fears. Only her. Only this.

It had never been so quiet in my head.

Reid’s tongue stroked my bottom lip and I heard another moan. That one was definitely me.

At the sound, Reid wrenched away from me, gasping.

“I’m sorry!” I said as my eyes flew open to see Reid standing a few feet away from me with a dazed look on her face and reddened lips.

“Don’t be sorry,” she said, her voice soft. “I’m… I didn’t intend for it to be, uh, like that.”

She licked her lips and I had to close my eyes to get a hold of myself. I hid my shaking hands behind my back. Every inch of my skin felt sensitized and raw. As if the kiss had affected my entire body. I didn’t know kisses could do that.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine. How was it? For you?” I wasn’t sure if I could put into words how it was for me. Had words been invented yet for a kiss like that?

“Oh, uh, yeah. No, you’re good. I mean, if you kiss someone else, you definitely know what you’re doing. You’ll be fine.”

She didn’t seem so steady herself, and I couldn’t help but feel a little smug about that. I guess I’d affected her too.

“Anything I need to work on? Or change?” I asked to see her reaction.

Reid blinked once at me. “No, I wouldn’t, um, I wouldn’t change a thing.”

That was quite a compliment. “Thank you.”

Reid chuckled. “You’re welcome, I guess.”

Silence fell between us for a few moments.

“There was one thing that we didn’t do that I wanted to check.”

Reid’s eyebrows shot all the way up her forehead.

“And what’s that?” she asked.

“French kissing. It can go so wrong, you know. I want to make sure I’m doing it right.” This was both a truth and a lie. I did want to make sure that I wasn’t doing anything bad with my tongue, but I also wanted to get her tongue in my mouth. Immediately. I wasn’t above begging if I had to.

“Oh. That makes sense,” Reid said slowly. “I wouldn’t want to be derelict in my duty as your tutor.”

Was she making a joke? I stared at her and she chuckled.

“Come here, Soph.” Her tone was just a little stern and it was like she’d tugged a string inside my body and pulled me closer.

That was new and interesting.

Since I hadn’t really been with anyone, sex was still so much of a mystery. I’d been able to figure out some things on my own, but there was only so much you could do unless you had a partner to try things with.

“Ready?” she asked me again. This time I decided to hold onto her waist, curling my fingers into the fabric of her T-shirt.

One of her hands went to the back of my neck and the other to my side.

“I’m ready,” I said in a trembling voice and then we both moved toward each other in a rush, nearly colliding.

Reid managed to hit the brakes enough at the last second so there wasn’t a clash of teeth as she captured my mouth again. This time she didn’t start with being soft. No. She went right for the most intense, dizzying, deepest kiss I’d ever experienced.

And then she slicked her tongue along my bottom lip again and I opened my mouth to her. Come in, I’m so glad you’re here. Welcome.

I’d had a tongue in my mouth before, but it had all been very wet and weird and unpleasant.

Nothing like this. Reid was so gentle with me. Starting slowly with little teasing touches before moving on to deeper strokes that had me reeling. I was so overwhelmed at first that I couldn’t even respond to her, but then I couldn’t stop. Her tongue didn’t get to be the only one who got to play.

Reid seemed to sense that I wanted to explore, so she pulled back, as if giving me permission. Now it was my chance to do as I pleased, and I did. All of it.

She tasted so good and her breath was warm against my face as her fingers dug into me and yanked me closer.

If there was an award for the perfect kiss, we would have won in a landslide, at least from my perspective.

That nasty voice that ruined everything whispered that I was kissing her too much and I should probably stop.

Crap.

Reid leaned back and my eyes flew open.

“What happened, Soph? Where did you go?” Her fingers brushed the side of my face and she stayed close to me.

“I’m sorry,” I said, because that was my kneejerk impulse. “I didn’t want to kiss you too much. You’re being so nice to me, letting me do this and I didn’t want to push you.”

Reid studied my face and then gave me one of those real smiles that I treasured.

“Sophie,” she said, her voice so gentle. “I’m not kissing you to be nice to you.”

“You’re not?” I asked.

Reid chuckled. “No. If I was a better person, I wouldn’t have kissed you at all.”

“What?” I didn’t understand what she was saying to me. “I don’t get it.”

Reid let out a groan and then pressed her forehead to mine.

“You’re really gonna make me say it?”

This was getting out of hand. “Say what? Reid, what’s going on?”

Reid took a step away from me and looked up at the ceiling as if the answers would be written up there.

“You came to me asking for help. A sapphic dating mentorship situation. For me to be your lesbian jedi master. And I didn’t think it would be a problem. You’re the younger sister of the woman who wrecked my life. There was no way I would feel any way but platonically about you.”

She finally met my eyes.

There was definitely something she wasn’t saying, and I was trying not to get my hopes up about it.

“But?” I finally asked, hoping to prod her into an admission.

Reid let out a little laugh. “But… I think, I mean, I do, maybe, kind of have a teeny tiny sort of crush. Very small.”

She held up her hand, her fingers about an inch apart. “It’s so small. Barely measurable.”

I suppressed a laugh. “Let me get this straight. You have a crush on me?”

“First of all, I’m not straight, and second, I don’t even think I’d classify it as a crush. It’s more…an interest?”

That did make me laugh. I’d never seen her like this, and it was absolutely hilarious. And adorable.

“Reid, are you trying to say that you like me?” I asked, mentally crossing my fingers that the answer was yes. Because if Reid liked me and I liked her, then all that kissing hadn’t been one-sided. She had felt something too.

“Aw, fuck,” Reid said, throwing her head back. “I knew this was going to be a disaster. I knew it. Why do I make terrible decisions?”

“Reid,” I said, stepping close and putting my hands on her shoulders to get her attention.

“I have a crush on you too. I’m not even going to minimize it.”

She snorted. “You can’t have a crush on me.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re Kaylee’s little sister and because I’m…mean.” She didn’t sound like she was so sure about that.

I rolled my eyes. “You’re not as mean as you want people to think you are. Reid, you’re gorgeous and you’re smart and you’re funny and yeah, you’re a little bit of a grump but I like that too. When I talk, you actually listen to me. You don’t tell me that I’m being annoying. You see me.” How could I make her believe that I could be more myself with her than with just about anyone else? That being myself with her was freedom?

“Shit, Sophie. That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me. How could I not like you? You’re beautiful, first of all, and you’re kind and you’re optimistic. You make me see things differently. I tend to be kind of negative and when you’re around, I do that a lot less. I’m so ready to see the worst in people. You’re just…you’re good , Sophie. You make me feel good too.”

God, I wanted to kiss her again. Kiss her and hold her and make her repeat what she’d just said over and over again.

“That’s the nicest thing anyone has said to me .”

“You’re easy to compliment, Soph,” she said, gripping my chin and running her thumb along my bottom lip.

“I asked you to kiss me because I didn’t want anyone else to be the first woman I’d kissed. I wanted it to be you. So I lied, a little. Forgive me?”

Reid laughed. “I mean, I lied when I acted like it would just be to test and see if you were a good kisser. I wanted to kiss you.”

Oh thank god. It hadn’t been a pity kiss.

I pretended to gasp. “You lying liar.”

Reid nodded slowly. “It’s true. I’m a lying liar who lies.”

“Like how you lied earlier about the size of your crush on me? Because it doesn’t sound so tiny.”

“Yeah, fine, okay. It’s not as small as I initially reported.” That made me giggle. She was such a dork sometimes and I loved that I got to see it. That I got to see so many different sides of her that other people didn’t.

“Is that so?” I asked, touching her sides and pulling her closer.

Reid shuffled closer to me. “You can’t look at me like that.”

“Like what?” I asked.

“Like you’re going to kiss me again. It makes me forget the things that I shouldn’t be forgetting.”

“Like what?”

She inhaled sharply through her nose and I knew I wasn’t going to like what he said next.

“Like the fact that you’re Kaylee’s younger sister. And you look like her. And everything that happened with her.”

“Are you saying that I make you think of her?” I asked. She’d mentioned that when I’d gotten locked out of my apartment, but I’d been trying to forget about it. There wasn’t anything I could do about being Kaylee’s sister or looking like her. But I thought that Reid had moved past it.

“At first? Yeah. But not so much now. I know you’re separate people. What she put me through, though, Sophie? She wrecked a lot of things. I know it was years ago, but that doesn’t mean that I’ve moved on. I haven’t. Maybe that’s wrong, I don’t really care. I think I’m allowed to feel about it however I want to feel about it.” Her tone grew defensive, as if I was attacking her.

“Hey,” I said, slightly squeezing her sides. “I’m not asking you to feel any way about my sister. I haven’t told her that I’ve seen you. That’s probably wrong, but I don’t care. What’s between us is between us.”

“Fuck, Sophie. This is a bad idea, ohhhh, this is a bad idea.” She put her hands up and backed away from me.

“Because of Kaylee? Or because you’re scared?” I asked.

“I can’t do this,” she said, gesturing back and forth between us. “I did it once and it almost killed me, and I can’t do it again. I can’t do it again, okay? I can’t.”She was panicking.

Her voice caught and then she let out a painful sob.

“It’s okay, Reid. It’s okay. If you don’t want to do this, we don’t have to,” I said, my stomach in knots.

Reid fell onto her couch and cried with her head in her hands.

After a few beats, I sat down next to her, leaving her a little bit of space.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I can’t believe I’m crying in front of you.”

Taking a risk, I put my hand on her back and rubbed gentle circles. Reid was going through some shit and my first instinct would always be to comfort her.

“Fuck!” Reid yelled and then stood up. “I can’t do this right now. I can’t do this right now.”

She paced in circles and I wondered if I should go. She tore her hands through her hair and then wrapped them around her belly, like she was trying to hold herself together.

“Reid?” I asked, standing up from the couch slowly. Her head snapped in my direction, tears streaming down her face. “Can I give you a hug?”

She pressed her lips together and shook her head.

“Okay. That’s fine. But I’m going to wait here with you for a little while.” I wasn’t leaving her alone like this. She could kick me out when she’d come back to herself.

This night had taken a turn that I didn’t expect, and I wished I could travel back in time to when she’d had her tongue in my mouth. I should have known that was too good to be true. That my crush on Reid wasn’t going to work out.

Reid paced a little more and sniffed. There was a box of tissues on her coffee table. I grabbed a few and brought them to her.

She took the tissues and wiped her face before she blew her nose.

“Um,” she said, her voice choked with emotion. “Maybe you could hug me now?”

I was happy to hug her after she’d set aside the used tissues.

“Come here,” I said, opening my arms and she walked into them. I folded her into my chest, and she put her head on my shoulder. Her arms encircled me after a second and she let out a long sigh.

“Your sister really fucked me up,” she whispered.

“I’m so sorry. I knew it was bad, but I didn’t know how bad. I wish I could have done something.”

“Did you know? About her and Nora?” AKA, Kaylee and the girl she’d been cheating on Reid with. That part had floored me. Kaylee hadn’t really had a good explanation for all of that, but she did say it was her biggest regret and that she’d never do something like that again. I couldn’t square the cheating with the sister I knew and loved so much. It had really shaken my relationship with her for a long time.

“No, I didn’t know. I had no idea. I don’t know what she was thinking. She didn’t tell me until much later. Nora cheated on her once they got to college. Did you know that?” Once Kaylee had been on the other side of cheating, she really figured out what she’d done. She’d stayed single for a long time after that and had thrown herself completely into school and her career.

“No.”

“Does it make you feel any better?”

“No.” Her tone made me laugh a little. Her body had been stiff when I’d first hugged her, but she was slowly melting against me.

One of my hands moved up and down her back to soothe her.

“We don’t have to do anything else. I’ll leave you alone, Reid. I promise.”

It was going to hurt like hell, but I wouldn’t let her know. I’d pretend it was just a silly temporary crush. Like I got them all the time. She didn’t need to know that she was the first woman I’d ever felt this way about. When I’d been younger and closeted even to myself, I had never even gotten to the point of a true crush. Just vague confusing feelings and what I thought was admiration.

“Fuck, Soph. Why did it have to be you? I could have resisted anyone else.” Her voice tickled my ear.

“Are you saying I’m irresistible?” I shouldn’t be flirting with her. I should be saying goodnight and that I wouldn’t bother her anymore.

“Pretty much. I just… I don’t know what to do about you, Sophie.” She groaned and leaned her head back so she could look into my eyes.

“I keep telling myself I need to tell you to go back to your apartment and then I keep thinking about that kiss. I can’t go the rest of my life without kissing you again.”

That was a bunch of mixed signals.

“So, what does that mean?”

“Fuck, I don’t know. I don’t want to be in a position where that might happen to me again. I can’t have that happen again, Sophie. I can’t.” Her nails dug into my skin and her eyes were wide with panic.

“Hey, I know. It’s scary. Trusting someone is scary. Especially when you’ve had your trust broken. And it wasn’t just Kaylee who did that.”

“What do you mean?”

I took a breath. “Your mom.”

Reid let go of me. “You don’t know anything about my mom.”

“I know enough from what you’ve told me and what you haven’t told me. I think you’ve got a lot of trauma where she’s concerned.”

Reid shook her head. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Maybe not. But I think you’ve been pushing a lot of shit aside and not dealing with it.” How did this go from a kissing session to a therapy session? Tonight had really gone downhill. But she needed to hear this from someone. I bet her friends had said the same things, but she should hear it from me too.

“What do you want me to say? That my mom fucked me up so bad that I can’t trust anyone? That I used to dream that I was adopted, and my real parents were going to show up any day and take me home with them and save me from her? I hate her. I fucking hate her for everything she did. She stole my life from me. And then I met Kaylee and I loved her, and she fucked me over too. What the hell am I supposed to do with that?”

She’d started pacing again, throwing her words like daggers. Reid had been holding all of this in for a long time. Maybe her whole life.

“Fuck, Sophie. I just…fuck.” Her voice broke and she faced me, her hands held out in front of her. “What the hell?”

I decided to hug her again.