Chapter 21

Chapter Twenty-One

Reid

This was the night from heaven and hell. Two extremes. The high of finally kissing Sophie and the low of ripping open my life and talking about all the bad shit.

Sophie was being unbelievably calm about all this and I kept waiting for her to say she was bailing. That she didn’t need this. That she was done.

But she was still here, even after I’d yelled about Kaylee and my mom. And then she hugged me, and it was like all of my energy drained at once and I was so tired that I was half asleep on my feet.

“Hey,” she said, rubbing my back in this certain way that made me want to beg her never to stop, “why don’t you sit on the couch. I’m going to draw you a bath.”

“You don’t need to do that,” I mumbled.

“I know. But I want to.” She led me over to the couch like a child and I sat down, my legs heavy.

“Just stay here,” she said, patting my shoulder. Where was I going to go?

I listened while Sophie moved around the bathroom and turned the water on. I should tell her to go.

I should, but I wasn’t going to.

Sophie came out and sat down next to me. “I think you need to talk to someone.”

I’d heard those words many, many times before and I’d always ignored them. I was fine. I had moved on with my life. I went to work, I wrote my fanfic, and I had my friends. I wasn’t lying in bed unable to function, so why did I need therapy? By nearly every metric, I was doing a hell of a lot better than some people.

I clenched my jaw so hard that it made my teeth ache.

“Just think about it.”

“I’m sorry. For tonight. That I can’t be what you deserve.” That was the worst part. Sophie should have someone who worshipped her. Who knew how special she was and showed her every day. With flowers and cupcakes and songs written about how gorgeous her eyes were.

I wasn’t good enough for her. Not even close. Sophie deserved someone who could love her with everything they had.

“It’s okay, Reid,” she said. So forgiving, that Sophie. Too kind.

“It’s not okay. I’m sorry I unloaded on you and I’m sorry for kissing you and I’m sorry for a bunch of shit.”

Sophie nodded and her eyes were bright as if she was holding back tears. “I know. I’m going to head back to my place now. Please let me know that you’re okay when you go to bed. And don’t be a stranger. If you ghost me, I’ll come find you.” She pointed at me and gave me a sad smile. “That’s a promise.”

Fuck.

I managed to get to my feet to walk her to the door. What else was there to say?

“Goodnight, Sophie.”

“Have a good night, Reid.”

I did get in the bath, but it didn’t make me feel better. At this point, nothing was going to make me feel better. I soaked for a while and then got out and put on my oldest, rattiest T-shirt to sleep in. Normally when I felt terrible, I’d pull up one of my favorite fanfics or books and re-read all my favorite parts. Not even books could lift me out of this mood, though. I was lower than I’d been in a long time.

I’m in bed and trying to go to sleep. You don’t have to answer I sent to Sophie.

In bed too. Reading fanfic. I’m not sure about this one. She answered, and sent me a screenshot of her ereader. Oh. That fic. It had been kind of a wild card to send to her, but something had told me she’d enjoy the unconventional alternate universe.

Just stick with it, I promise. It doesn’t seem like it’s going to work, but then it does and you can’t explain why. That fic had taught me that there were some authors who could take a trope that I normally hated and make me love it in this one instance. That discovery had been both amazing and frustrating at the same time.

Okay, I trust you she sent, and her words made my chest ache. How had I messed up things with Sophie so badly? Because of my ex and my mom. How pathetic was that?

Sophie’s words about talking to a therapist came back to me. I’d avoided it for so long but lashing out at her tonight was a wakeup call. I didn’t like the person I’d been earlier. I didn’t want to be her anymore. So angry and bitter. If you asked me if I was happy, I’d say yes, but it wasn’t true. I put on a good face, but most days I was going through the motions. There were bright spots, yes, but there was always this darkness lurking around the corner, waiting for me.

It was a miracle my friends put up with all my shit, but they were truly good people. They deserved better too.

And here was the thing: So did I.

I’d never thought about that until tonight. That I didn’t deserve to live like this. I guess I always thought that this was what I got for changing my mind about ballet. For dating the wrong girl. That life was just kind of shitty most of the time.

My friends getting into relationships and Jo going to grad school to help people learn to read had proved that wrong. There were happy people all around me. I just told myself they were faking it most of the time, but that was a lie. I was the one who was faking.

I grabbed my phone and sent a message to my doctor asking for a referral to see a therapist.

Thank you, Sophie.

The next few days were strange. I didn’t see Sophie, but we were messaging each other constantly. She kept giving me updates about her fanfic reading and I talked to her about work and she sent me videos of her goddaughter, who was absolutely adorable. I reached out to all my friends, apologizing for being such an ass and got back very heartfelt and confused messages. I explained that I wanted to see a therapist and they were all unbelievably supportive. They’d been waiting for me to take this step, but none of them rubbed that in. There was only love.

I did one other thing. I asked Sophie if she would pass along a message to Kaylee from me.

It took me hours to write several different drafts of the message. In the end, I deleted almost everything and kept it short instead. I told her that what she’d done had hurt me in deep and permanent ways. That I hoped she now understood the gravity of the hurt she had caused. That I hoped she had grown as a person and was living a good life. I wished her the best and said I wouldn’t ever try and contact her again.

That last part was up in the air seeing how I was still friendly with Sophie, but I wanted to put it in there anyway.

Sophie said it was a good message and that she would pass it along. I also told her it was okay if she wanted to tell Kaylee that we’d been hanging out.

I’m probably not going to tell her about the mentor/mentee thing and the kissing thing. We’ll cross that bridge if and when we get there She sent.

That made sense.

I got a message back from my doctor with a list of names for potential therapists. I looked up all their bios and felt comfortable with one woman in particular, so I booked an appointment for Friday. I’d already decided to call out of work.

Guess I was officially going to therapy. I wasn’t exactly happy about it, but it couldn’t hurt, could it?

Now that I’d had some time away from that night, I could see how bad my reaction had been and it was humiliating that Sophie had seen me break down like that. Nothing I could do about it now, but it would be on my mind the next time I saw her.

I wanted to do something to make it up to her. To show her that I didn’t want to be the person who flipped out after kissing her.

At first, I thought about making cupcakes or something, but that wasn’t very good. Then I considered writing her something, but I’d always been truly terrible at poetry. That did give me an idea though.

This is the link to my fanfic profile. Read whatever you want. I sent the message before I could think about the consequences of opening myself up like that.

What should I start with? She asked a few minutes later.

How far did you get in the show? I asked.

Far enough to know it’s them She sent, along with a picture of the two female characters from the show. I smiled.

Then you should read Falling from the Sky I responded. It wasn’t my first fic, but it was still my favorite. I’d written it in a frenzy right after I dropped out of school. I’d just moved into my apartment and barely had any furniture and I’d just started working at Sapph and everything was falling apart, but I’d needed something good. That had been before I met Cade and Hunter, but Jo had been there and she’d told me if it brought me joy, then I should do it.

I’d typed in a frenzy, my hands and fingers aching. I’d stopped every few hours to ice them, but then I’d gulped down an energy drink and had gone right back to it. In only a few weeks, I’d written thousands and thousands of words and I’d put it up and readers had responded. It was still my most-read and commented fic and I often went back and re-read some of the best parts. That story had come from a special place and I didn’t think I could recreate the circumstances that had led to that story. It had been magic in the middle of madness.

Thank you for sharing this with me, Reid. I know it isn’t easy.

It wasn’t. There was no way that she was going to love all my fanfic, and I’d have to deal with my feelings when she didn’t like something. Wasn’t looking forward to it.

I really hope you don’t hate it I sent.

I’m not going to hate it She responded.