Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen

Reid

Sending Sophie some of my favorite fanfics was kind of like rolling on my back and exposing my underbelly to a predator. Even my closest friends didn’t know my true relationship with fanfic because I didn’t want them to. It was too personal. Too sensitive. They would never mock me or make fun of it, but I couldn’t take the chance.

It was different with Sophie. She was doing something so vulnerable by asking me for help and it was almost a way to pay her back. To share something together. Plus, we had really similar taste in books, so it would follow that our fanfic tastes would be similar too. And since she’d just started discovering sapphic fanfic? It was my duty to show her the best the internet had to offer. I couldn’t let her just stumble around reading mediocre fanfic if I had already vetted and could tell her about the good ones.

Her list was interesting and there were a few hidden gems on it that I didn’t know about, which was surprising, given how much time I spent on the main fanfic site looking for something new to read or asking other people online for recs.

For a half a second, I’d thought about sending her one of my fics, but then I’d changed my mind. What if she read it and hated it? Her opinion wouldn’t destroy me, but it would still hurt if she read something I’d poured myself into and she thought it was awful. There was only so much vulnerability I could take and that was going too far.

There was a chance that she’d run into it on her own, depending on her fandoms. The fics she’d sent me weren’t in any of my fandoms, thankfully. She might run across it, though. I’d written for some very popular fandoms, but I was a small fish in a big pond, so I wasn’t one of the top authors, but I’d also written for smaller fandoms too.

More than a few readers had asked if I would ever pursue a career as an author and I’d never taken it seriously. Professional authors weren’t people like me. They went to college and got degrees and took their writing seriously. Yes, I took my fanfiction seriously, but only because I didn’t have to. If I made it a job? That would make me hate it. Make me resent it. Would make me not want to do it anymore.

It was like dance that way. When I’d just been taking dance classes as a kid for fun, it had been my favorite thing in the entire world. You couldn’t get me out of the studio. And then my mom had pushed me into more advanced classes and had taken me on auditions and before I knew it, I was in college and dreading waking up every day and standing at the barre for hours. I’d even stopped smiling. Couldn’t remember the last time I’d laughed.

When I went back to my hometown during the holidays, people would try to be nice to me, but I could see the horror on their faces when they saw me. Pale skin, hollow cheeks, no energy. I’d been a ghost. Of course my mom had said I looked wonderful and made sure that I was sticking to my diet when the truth was that I’d barely been eating enough to get through my classes.

Things had come to a head when one of my teachers had pulled me aside and asked me if I was okay. I’d broken down and cried for three hours on the floor of the studio. She’d taken me out to a diner and forced me to eat a full breakfast plate while she listened to me tell her how miserable I was. How I had come to hate dance. How I didn’t want to do it anymore, but I didn’t know how to stop. I was less than two years away from a dance degree.So close.

My teacher had given me some hard questions to think about and that night I had officially withdrawn from school.

That was nearly six years ago, and I had no regrets except wishing I had done it sooner. But maybe I wouldn’t have reached my breaking point if I hadn’t gone to school for dance. If I’d quit before I was truly ready, I might have always wondered if I should have followed through. Now I knew that dance was not my future. At least not as a professional performer.

For years I hadn’t had any fun, so now I tried to do as many things that brought me joy as I liked. Hiking, reading, writing fanfic, spending time with my friends, resting. Just letting myself take naps and be lazy was a huge revelation. The idea that I could just be and didn’t have to be grinding and hustling and pushing and striving all the time. There were millions of people on the planet who were just regular humans with no dreams of fame or the spotlight. Who just went to work and came home and had hobbies and enjoyed themselves.

I didn’t want to give up everything to be on the stage. For me, it wasn’t worth it.

I still had no idea what I was going to do with my life, but I was much better at being okay with that. The first few months after I’d quit school had been rough, not to mention the epic fights I’d had with my mother.

She hadn’t attempted to contact me in three months, which was the longest time I’d been able to breathe. I hoped it would continue, but she had a way of popping up just when I was especially vulnerable.

Are you free around noon tomorrow? I’ll make you lunch. Sophie’s message couldn’t have come at a better time. I had about an hour until I needed to leave for my shift at Sapph and I didn’t need to spend it obsessing and worrying about the past. Sophie was a welcome distraction.

Deal. Your place?

Yup.

Now I had something to look forward to before work tomorrow. I’d have to get up a little earlier than I normally would, but that was okay. I’d just have lunch for breakfast.

Do you have any requests? I was just going to make some sandwiches or a salad or something. Sophie asked.

Whatever you make is fine. I’m not picky. When it came to free food, I’d take what I could get without complaining. As long as she didn’t feed me chicken salad with raisins in it, but I didn’t think Sophie would do that.

You got it! She responded. Even her messages were bright and cheerful. Sophie really was a little ray of sunshine when she wasn’t a ball of anxiety.

Biting back a smile, I made myself some dinner and puttered around until it was time to go to Sapph. It wasn’t going to be a bad night because Hunter and Stace said they’d come by. As much as I complained about my friends showing up when I was working, I did actually love it. Made the time go faster.

Tonight was Thirsty Thursday and there were a number of events going on at the bar. We had trivia nights, karaoke (which I tried not to be on the schedule for), theme nights, and anything else our owners could dream up to get people in the door and buying drinks.

Being at Sapph was sometimes no different than performing on a stage. I just didn’t have to wear pointe shoes while I bartended, which was a plus.

There was a bachelorette party in full costume waiting outside for the doors to open as I sliced limes and I tried not to groan when they cheered and walked in.

“It’s gonna be one of those nights,” my coworker Maddie said.

“That’s every night,” I said, bumping my hip against hers before we headed to the customers clamoring at the bar for drinks.

“Make me your most complicated drink,” a voice yelled at me a few hours later. One of these days I was going to get my hearing tested and find out that working here had damaged it. The music was always too loud, but there was nothing I could do about it.

I turned and found Hunter leaning over the bar with Stace standing next to her and grinning.

“Shut the fuck up,” I told her, but I couldn’t help but smile. “I’ll get you anything you want as long as it’s not a pain in the ass to make.”

Stace asked for whatever beer was on tap and Hunter got one of our house mixed drinks. They opened a tab and I told them that if they hung out for another ten minutes, I could take a break and hang with them for a few.

They waved and went to find a quieter corner so they could drink and stare into each other’s eyes. They were truly disgusting in the cutest way.

I liked Stace for Hunter; I really did. She was boisterous in a fun way, and she got Hunter out of her rich-girl country club prissy bubble. Hunter needed to get shaken up a bit. She also needed to do something about her toxic relationship with her parents, and Stace had helped her there too.

Stace’s family was like the stock image family in the picture frames that they sold at Target. When Hunter first told me what they were like, I didn’t really believe her until I experienced the family for myself. Sure, I knew there were people with happy families, but I’d never really seen one quite like the Stacey/Hamilton blended brood.

It had made me a little nauseated and angry and jealous at the same time, but I’d kept that to myself.

Not everyone got dealt a good hand when it came to families and I’d gotten nothing but bad luck from my dad being a no-show to my mom being controlling and narcissistic.

It didn’t matter now. I was an adult and I was my own family and I had my friends. I didn’t need anyone else.

I slid into a seat next to Hunter on my break and sucked down a glass of water.

“You good?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I said. “I am.” It really wasn’t that terrible tonight. I was just tired and ready to go home, but I still had another few hours and then cash out and cleanup and all that.

“We had multiple motives in coming tonight,” Stace said, her voice booming. She leaned her elbows on the table and her biceps bulged. Stace had to stay in shape for her job as a firefighter, but it shocked me every time I saw her at just how ripped she was. Hunter stared at her girlfriend, practically drooling.

“Uh huhhhh,” I said, wondering where this was going.

“My parents are having a big party at their house in three weeks. Kind of a summer, just because we want to kind of thing. Really lowkey. Cade and Eloise are going to come, and we wanted to know if you would.”

It sounded like exactly the kind of thing I wouldn’t normally want to go to. I’d have to talk to people I didn’t know and pretend to care about them and socialize. Not my most favorite thing after all my work hours.

But I knew that Stace’s parents put on a good party. The food would be great and as long as I had at least Cade and Eloise to hang around with, I’d probably be okay. I’d just have to make sure I drove myself so I could leave whenever I wanted.

“Yeah, okay. When is it?” The party was on a Sunday afternoon, so it wouldn’t conflict with my work schedule.

“We’re going to invite Jo too,” Hunter said. That would make it even better if she could come. I’d just attach myself to Jo and I’d be fine.

“I’ll be there. Probably,” I said, and Hunter glared at me. Tonight, her hair was twisted and wrapped into some complicated updo that was probably a lot easier to do than it looked and her dress was blue and sparkling under the lights. She truly looked like a modern princess and I bet Stace had lost her mind when she saw her. People always stared at Hunter because she was so gorgeous. It was kind of a relief to let her take the attention so I could lurk in the back and be a grump.

I had to go back to work, but just as I was ready to say goodnight to Hunter and Stace, my phone buzzed.

I know I need to go to bed, but I can’t stop. HELP The message was from Sophie and there was a screenshot of the fanfic website.

I zoomed in and read the title of the fanfic. Shit, I should have warned her that one was the kind you had to cancel everything for three days and read in one sleep-deprived session. That was exactly what I’d done, and it had wrecked me in the best way.

It was one of those fics that seemed sweet and light on the outside, but all of that was window dressing for one of the most emotionally devastating relationship arcs that I’d ever read. It was brilliant in its subtlety.

I’d say I’m sorry, but I also suffered. So I’m just passing on the suffering, like a good friend.

I didn’t even think about what I’d said until a while later, when I got a few seconds to check my phone.

A friend, huh. Is that what I am? Shit. I hadn’t meant to call her a friend, but I guess she was? I mean, she was literally in my phone as my padawan so was referring to her as my friend out of line? Not really.

It wasn’t a big deal.

I don’t share my favorite fanfics with just anybody, Sophie I responded, which was true, but she didn’t know just how much I’d revealed of myself by sharing those with her.