Chapter 34

Sen

Kai: Reason I love you #1: You're beautiful inside and out.

Tapping my nail against the screen, I tried to decide how to respond. I could tell him why I loved him. How did someone really conceptualize that? What I felt was hard to put into words.

"Phone," Dad barked as he walked into the kitchen.

I flipped it over and removed my elbows from the counter. "Now I can't even use my phone?"

"Not to talk to… that person."

It was impossible not to roll my eyes. He caught the expression and his face hardened. Fear tried to lock me in place, but I fought against it.

I was an adult. I liked who I'd become and he couldn't change that.

He could just make me feel like shit about it.

Dinner with my parents, aunt, and uncle had been awkward beyond belief. There were the typical questions about my classes and my job, then my uncle asked if I had a girlfriend. Even though my parents knew about me, I couldn't bring myself to say it aloud, so I just said no. It felt like I'd betrayed Kai in that moment.

Glancing out the window, I saw my mom setting pieces of pie on the patio table. It was cold outside, but the area was enclosed and they had a wood stove that kept it comfortable. I used to love sitting out there in the winter. It felt like I was outside and I could feel the chill in the air while I looked at the snow, but it was safe and warm.

"I'm not feeling up for dessert," I said, pocketing the phone.

Dad grabbed my arm roughly. "Have your mom's pie, then you can go do whatever you want in your room."

Thanks for the permission, I wanted to say. Instead, I nodded and slid open the back door.

Mom smiled at me. "Sen, you must be dying to have dessert. Is the food at school good?"

"It's okay."

"Tell me more about your friends. You said one is named West."

I took a seat just as the others walked out of the house. When they were all at the table, I felt like a bug under a microscope.

"Yeah. West is cool. He's the first person I met."

"What's he studying?"

"I don't know," I admitted, cocking my head. "He's on a football scholarship, but I don't know what classes he takes."

"You should've gone the football route," my uncle Dale noted. "You were good, if I remember right."

"You never came to any of my games."

"Dad always sent videos to the family," Mom informed me. "He was so proud."

Was. If I was kissing boys back then, football wouldn't have made up for it.

"My other friend, Brooks, is a pre-law student."

"Oh, that's interesting," Samantha said with a smile. "I was a paralegal for a few years."

"Well, he's gonna be a real lawyer."

My dad's eyes narrowed. Grabbing my fork, I cut a large piece from the pie and stuffed it into my mouth. Blackberry was my favorite, so it was impossible to pretend that I hated it, even though I didn't want to give them any sort of satisfaction.

"Brooks is bi," I said suddenly, drawing wide eyed stares from around me. They said I couldn't talk about me or Kai. I wasn't technically breaking the rules.

"That's…" Samantha trailed off. "Interesting."

"He's a really cool guy. You should meet him someday."

"That's enough," Dad hissed.

"West is straight, but he's not afraid to kiss a guy. I guess he's just very confident that it doesn't make him less of a man. He is the quarterback, after all. The parallels are there."

Dad's hand slammed on the table. "Seneca Taylor, that's enough."

His anger made my defiance recede back to its dark corner. My shoulders hunched as I continued eating the pie. It tasted bland now.

"You should try out for the football team," Dale suggested.

I just shook my head, keeping my eyes down. My dad's stare was suffocating and all I wanted to do was escape it.

"Grandma will be here in the morning," Mom said cheerfully. "We're all going to breakfast, so make sure you're up and ready early."

With a nod, I took my empty plate and got to my feet. I could feel everyone looking at me as I walked away.

For a second, I thought I could do it. I started preparing myself to stand up to my dad. I had a few moments of bravery before he squashed me. Now, I felt like a kicked dog and the idea of trying again made me want to go into my cocoon.

Until I left, I'd just keep my head down. Smile and nod, do the things he wanted me to. It wasn't real anyway. I was playing a part just like any actor would and when I got back to school, all would be well again. It'd go back to normal- me, Kai, West, and Brooks.

And I'd still be hiding in public. It felt like I would never be free.

*****

Kai: Reason I love you #2: You always make me smile.

Leaving the bathroom, I clung to that message. It was the beacon keeping me on track. Its light wasn't as bright as Kai's when I was with him, but it would keep me afloat for now. I only had eight more days here.

Who knew eight could sound like such a huge number? It was worse because it was only my second day. If they all moved this slowly, I might have to force myself into a state of apathy.

I didn't talk much at breakfast. My grandma tried to get things out of me, but I didn't want to tell her anything. I didn't want to share all of these pieces of my life with them if I had to cut Kai out. It was like showing someone a picture of a unicorn you found and only pointing out the background details.

After pouring myself a cup of coffee, I leaned back against the counter. Everybody was talking around the island and I just watched. Suddenly, I couldn't remember what I used to do with my days when I was here. I felt like a stranger in my own home and I'd never been happier to feel out of place.

"Sen, I want you to meet us in the living room," Dad said.

I blinked a few times, slowly processing his request. "Why?"

"We want to talk to you."

Oh, it was an intervention, just as I guessed. It'd be easier to simply listen until it was over, so I topped off my cup and brushed past him. I sat on the carpet so that I had some distance. There was something about sitting on the floor that comforted me, which might have been weird, but I was sure everyone here could point out a bunch of other problems I should worry about instead.

Grandma sat on one end of the couch with Dale and Samantha taking up the rest. My dad and mom took their respective armchairs. Looking at them now, I grimaced. I couldn't imagine being in the same room as Kai without wanting to be close to him. If he wasn't touching me in some way, I'd assume something was wrong. And to think I'd admired my parents' marriage at one point.

"We're so excited to spend Christmas with you," my grandma said, painting on a sweet smile.

"Yeah, it's cool," I mumbled.

"Your mom said the Christmas service at your church is lovely."

My gaze shifted to her. I had to purse my lips to keep from laughing.

"Can we just get on with it?" I asked. "I know what all this is about."

"What's it about?" Dad prompted.

"You know."

"You can't even say it. If you're ashamed of the choices you've made, it's not too late to let us help you."

I ground my teeth together. Confrontation wasn't something I was good at. That was probably part of the reason I let him walk on me all these years, even after I turned eighteen. I was too afraid to stand up to him.

"I'm not ashamed."

"Honey, we're worried about you," my grandma said.

My eyes burned when I looked at my dad. "This wasn't the deal."

"The deal is the same. We just want to talk about what's going on with you."

"Nothing is going on with me. You're the one making this into a big issue."

"It is a big issue."

"Just let me live my life!"

My grandma flinched, but her eyes softened. "Seneca, honey. We care so much for you and it pains all of us to see what you're doing. Do you know what the bible says about homosexuality?"

"I don't care."

"Listen to your grandma," Dad barked.

"Why? So that she can tell me what god would want? You don't give a shit about that. Outside of Christmas, I haven't seen you step foot in a church for… I don't even know."

"My faith is shown through my actions, not whether I attend church regularly."

"Actions," I laughed. Shoving my hands through my hair, I got to my feet. "Let's talk about your actions. You sent a thirteen year old to a camp where he was abused, humiliated, shamed, and told he was broken. You demonize people because of who they love when you don't even understand the goddamn concept."

"Sen," my grandma scolded.

Whirling on her, I leveled her with a glare that made her mouth snap closed. "'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.' None of you have the right to sit here and judge me when you live every day with hate in your hearts. My boyfriend, Kai, is the kindest person I've ever met and next to him, you're all a bunch of monsters."

My dad got to his feet with a murderous expression. I held my ground, even as my eyes watered.

"Go up to your room," he demanded. "I'll excuse this behavior once, but don't let it happen again or our deal is off."

My nostrils flared. I wanted to argue, but once again, my bravery fled and I was left a compliant waste of space.

Without a word, I marched out of the living room. Instead of going up the stairs, I left through the front door. I didn't intend to go anywhere; I just needed air. I knew how much was in my bank account, but I checked anyway. Not nearly enough to get a plane ticket. Maybe I could pay to change the one Kai got me for next week.

I tapped absently on my phone screen as I sat on the front step. He'd save me if I asked. I knew that was true. I just had to do it.

Do it. Do it. Do it.

My hands felt weighed down by lead. He couldn't fight all my battles for me. I knew he would do it, but I had this feeling inside of me. It told me that this was important. I needed to make this decision and execute it myself. Then, I could call him and figure the rest out.

Before I could psych myself up to tell my dad to go fuck himself, my phone went off.

West: Incoming.

I clicked on the link he sent me, assuming it was going to be something weird like a cat riding a giraffe. It was weirder. A baseball game dated from last season. I wasn't even a baseball fan. Why would he send this?

The game dissolved and cut to what looked like an interview. There was a broad-shouldered man sitting in a chair wearing a black t-shirt that strained against his chest. He was smiling and it made my heart race. I'd seen him somewhere before, but I didn't know how.

"We're off the field to talk to one of the Atlanta Brave's most popular players right now. He drew attention online after he was drafted from Ole Miss last year."

The way the guy laughed set something off in my head. I knew that laugh and his smile. If he was a little younger and less bulky…

"We're honored to have you here," the interviewer went on. "So, Mr. McKinney-"

"Please, just call me Trav. We're friends here."

The phone dropped to the ground with a clatter. I quickly picked it up and made sure it hadn't cracked, then looked at the guy, Trav, again. My hand came up to cover my mouth as I listened to him answer a few questions.

But he was dead. That was what they said at camp. My dad told me when his funeral was and that I couldn't go. That I would end up like him.

It was him. He was alive. That was all it took for me to get to my feet with the intention of dismantling all of the lies that had made up my life for so long.

Before I turned to the door, I saw a black sedan pull up to the house. It stopped in the driveway and a head of black hair jumped from the car.

My mouth dropped open in shock. "West?"