Chapter 31

Kai

"Your parents named you something like Seneca and expected you not to be gay," West chortled.

Sen rolled his eyes, but I allowed myself to laugh. I knew he wasn't upset about the comment. Over the past two months, I'd learned to recognize many of his expressions. Right now, I could tell that he was amused, but he couldn't show it because he felt awkward about being called gay. He'd been growing used to it, but he was much more comfortable when it was just me and him.

This whole thing was a journey and I was happy to be on it with him. I wanted him to come out so that I could openly show my affection and not have to maintain distance in public, but when that happened was up to him. We were getting there.

"You're named after a direction," Sen pointed out.

"No, it's Weston, thank you very much. I just don't like that hick ass name."

"Brooks is named after a shoe," I snickered.

"Fuck off," he laughed before bringing his water bottle to his lips. "My name is cool."

"Whatever you say, champ."

I took a bite of my food and glanced at Sen. He had a sandwich, but he hadn't touched it. The bread was a little squished, like he'd been poking at it. His eyes looked distant as he stared down at the table.

Feeling my stare, he turned. Immediately, he smiled, but it didn't feel genuine. A minute ago, he'd been joking with us. There was something on his mind now and it couldn't be good. Probably his dad or something.

We were already sitting next to each other, but I scooted a little closer. Leaning an elbow on the table, I angled myself so that I had a good view of him, then held up a forkful of spaghetti.

"Eat."

He shook his head, making me narrow my eyes. I grabbed his chin and ran my thumb along his lower lip. His gaze fell, hiding his emotions from me.

"Please," I murmured.

"I'm not hungry."

"Do it anyway. When's the last time you ate?"

"Yesterday?"

"I really hope that wasn't a question."

"Yeah, I had that coffee with you."

"That's not food," I pointed out.

He shrugged, which just irritated me. It looked like I'd be bringing him lunch and eating dinner with him every day. I wasn't complaining, but I wished it wasn't necessary. Sen would not be starving himself on my watch.

Grabbing his wrist, I yanked on him until he stood.

"Let's go."

"Where are we going?" he asked. He turned to look over his shoulder as I dragged him through the cafeteria.

"Just relax, Seneca."

"Stop doing that."

"Come with me and you'll be in a world of pure imagination."

His cheeks reddened from the exuberant way I was singing. He glanced warily at the people around us. Nobody really gave a shit. The worst that would happen were a few moments of embarrassment.

I'd probably been around West for too long.

"You need to open your mind," I said as we turned onto the path to the football field. There was nobody around, so I moved my grip from his wrist to his hand. He was stiff when I threaded our fingers.

"We need to be more careful."

"The trees aren't going to talk."

"Seriously."

"Okay." I pulled my hand free and pushed it into my pocket.

It was silent the rest of the way to the field. I tried not to read into it, which was hard when his expression was so blank.

I grabbed a football and jogged to the center of the field. He joined me at a slower pace and stopped twenty yards away. When I threw the ball, I wasn't sure if he was going to actually play, but at the last second, he shook his head and shifted to catch it.

"Tell me what's on your mind," I called after he sent it back to me.

"Nothing."

"Come on. I don't like this."

"Just stressed about classes."

Lie.

I gritted my teeth and threw the ball hard. He had to run a little ways in order to catch it. It bounced out of his hands and rolled on the ground.

"What are your plans for the holiday?" I asked.

His fingers gripped the ball tighter. "I… Don't know."

"You should come home with me."

I watched his brows furrow, then his eyes widened. It wasn't like I expected him to automatically jump for joy, but he almost looked pained by the offer.

Something wasn't right and every second I was with him, it felt more wrong.

"You don't have to," I added. "I'd love it if you did, but if you're not comfortable…"

"I might go home."

I caught the ball and blinked a few times as I processed his words. "Oh. Have you talked to them?"

"Yeah. My dad wants me to come."

"Well, that's good, right? It means they're trying to get on board with you being gay, I hope."

"No."

Tucking the ball under my arm, I studied his tense expression. "I don't understand."

With a sigh, he met my eyes. "My dad said he'd keep paying for school if I come home for Christmas and I don't talk about it."

"Don't talk about being gay?"

"Yeah."

"And are you comfortable with that? Hiding around them, like you always have."

"Sure. It's not that big of a deal. But it's not just around them. It's with everyone."

"What, your whole family?"

"No. Everyone."

I dropped the ball and looked up at the sky, giving myself a moment to breathe. It would have been laughable if he hadn't already told me he was going home. That meant he'd agreed, or at least intended to.

"No, you can't do that."

"Kai, school will put me in so much debt that I don't think I'll ever crawl out of it. It's a sacrifice, but if it creates a better future for me, I'd be stupid not to accept it."

"You're letting him buy your acquiescence."

"That's not what I'm doing."

"Yes, you are!" Shoving my hands through my hair, I paced in one direction, then the other. "You're putting money above being goddamn happy, Sen."

"I am happy. I have you. We just have to do it the way we have been."

"I can't do that."

His mouth opened, but no sound came out for a moment. "It's not enough to be with me?"

I shook my head and my nostrils flared. "That is not fair. It's six years."

"It's two for me if I just get my bachelor's."

"I don't care. That's too much. What happens when you graduate? Do you think he'll just be okay with you coming out then? It'll be something else."

"I'll figure it out when the time comes."

"What are we doing here, Sen? Because if you really believe that you can stay hidden for that long… I can't live that life."

"You said you'd be patient." His expression fractured, revealing the pain he'd been hiding from me all day.

"I can wait, but only if I know we'll have a future together. Openly. And now… I'm not sure we do. Two years is a long time. Two months has felt like a long time and I thought we were getting closer. Waiting while gradually moving forward is different than having to remain stagnant until god knows when."

"I don't know what to do, Kai."

Marching toward him, I latched my hand around his neck and kissed him. I put everything I had into that kiss. He needed to know how serious I was, how willing I was to do anything for him.

"I told you that you'd always be safe with me," I said against his lips. "I meant that with every cell in my body. If they want to hurt you, they'll have to make it through the massive barrier of my love for you because as long as I'm still alive, I'm going to be your shield. Nobody deserves to go through what you have and I feel sick thinking that you're going to put yourself in a position to be hurt by them again."

"Kai-"

"I'm not letting you go back to them, especially not alone. You're going to tell him no and we will do whatever we have to do because this is right. You and me are right."

When he pulled back, my face pinched. His eyes were distant in a way that caused a physical pain in my stomach.

"If we can figure all of that out, we can figure it out this way too. You can't just force me out of the closet."

"I don't want to force you out of the closet. You should be able to do that in whatever way is healthiest and safest for you, but this is neither of those things. I can't just wait around for that day. I can't wonder when or if it's going to happen at all. You want me to accept that I won't be free to express what I feel for you for years. You have to understand how that's too much."

"Are you…" He put his hands on his head and stared up at the gray sky. "Are you ending this?"

My eyes closed for a few seconds before I looked at him again. "No, but this hurts me because I am so in love with you and I hate that our future doesn't sound happy to me right now."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he rushed out. "I know I'm all fucked up."

"It's okay. Let's just take some time to think, okay?"

Not giving him a chance to respond, I headed off the field. I didn't want to walk away, but we both needed to think. If I had stayed there, staring at the tears welling in his eyes, I would've caved and told him I'd wait. I would wait two years or ten years; whatever he needed. But at what point were the things you did for love just hurting you?

I texted West on my way back to the dorm and when I got to my room, he was standing in front of it. He immediately read my pain and pulled me into a hug.

"What happened?" he asked.

We moved into the room and he waited patiently for me to gather my thoughts. I hated that I was listening for any sound in the hallway. Even now, while my heart felt shredded, I wanted to go to him and make sure that he was okay.

Sitting beside West, I crossed my legs on the bed. "I don't know if I'm being selfish or demanding too much. It feels like I was unfair to Sen."

"Would the alternative be unfair to you?"

"Maybe."

He blew out a breath. "I'm assuming there's no middle ground that would avoid both of those."

"I don't think so. He's trying to take the route that he sees as easier, but the only reason he sees it that way is because it's how he's lived his whole life. I don't want him to hurt himself, but it's also about me. And it doesn't feel like it should be."

"The relationship isn't just about one of you. You're allowed to think about how it affects you. Do you want to tell me what happened?"

With a nod, I got up to grab the ice cream from the freezer. This time, West didn't get to eat the whole thing.