Chapter 30

Sen

With winter break starting in a week, it felt like I was scrambling to make sure I was caught up. Most professors were pretty cool, but I had one who assigned us a whole packet to complete during our time off, which seemed like it defeated the purpose, but whatever.

I didn't know what I was going to do while classes were out. Yesterday, I left my mom a voicemail to tell her that I missed her and hoped we could find common ground someday. She'd yet to return my call. I'd expected it, but it still hurt.

When I stopped by Kai's room earlier, he was on a video call with his mom, so I decided to give him some space to talk to her. I knew that he was struggling too, just in a different way. He had the perfect parents and he was slowly losing one. It didn't seem fair when good people suffered. People like Derek and Ms. Tabatha were more deserving of that fate.

Sitting at a table in the coffee shop down the road, I thought about the paper that was due the day before break started. There was still time, but I wanted to get it done. The less stress I added to my plate, the better.

Who was I kidding? I was the stress. There was no escaping it.

School was one of the reasons I was stressed. My tuition wasn't going to pay for itself and my dad had made it very clear that he wouldn't help. I couldn't go home, which meant I'd have to either find a job that paid well enough for me to live in the city, which was unlikely to happen, or I had to find a way to pay for school. Going into debt at twenty was my only option.

After spending almost two hours in the financial aid office today, I wasn't feeling great about my future. There were some grants I might qualify for, but even with those, I would have to borrow a lot of money. I hated the idea of student loans. People on a reddit forum I browsed said that they were predatory and I'd be paying them off for the rest of my life. It sounded horrible, but what else was I going to do?

I stared at the form on my laptop. Some of the information it wanted, I didn't have. For over an hour, I'd been staring at it, hoping some miracle would happen and the site would suddenly tell me that I didn't need to contact my dad. Was there an option for, "My dad hates me and texting him might kill me?"

With a sigh, I tapped his name on my phone.

Sen:I need info for financial aid.

Dad:Call me.

What? No. That wasn't one of the scenarios I'd gone over in my head. A text back was cool. Him ignoring me was another possibility.

Since he was impatient, his name popped up on the screen as the phone vibrated. I connected it to my ear buds and prayed to the nausea gods that I wouldn't throw up in front of everybody here.

"H-hey," I answered. Clearing my throat, I tried again. "Hi."

"You're getting financial aid?" His gruff voice curdled the latte in my stomach.

"Well, I don't have much choice."

"You have a choice."

Ignoring his comment, I clicked through the form. "It's asking for your information. And Mom's. Um, social security numbers and income."

He sighed loudly. "Your mom has been crying nonstop, Sen."

Clenching my teeth, I blinked to clear my vision. "I just need the info, Dad."

"You don't care about how she feels?"

"Of course I do."

"You're hurting her for some selfish urges."

"And what about how I feel?"

A few people looked over at me. I slammed my laptop closed and stuffed it into my backpack. Once I was outside, I leaned against the wall and tried to rein in my frustration.

"Not everything is about you," he replied. His tone was dismissive, devoid of any emotion that would imply he cared.

"I can't change who I am," I said in a tiny voice that I hated. "This isn't going away, so please, just give me the information and I'll leave you alone."

There was a drawn out silence. With each passing second, my desperation grew. Just when I thought I'd have to start begging, he spoke again.

"Let's make a deal."

"What kind of deal?"

"I'll keep paying for your classes, but there are conditions."

I wasn't sure if I was more relieved or scared.

"You need to come home for Christmas. Your mom misses you."

"Okay," I whispered.

"You don't bring it up with us. Ever. I don't want to hear anything about it and your mom doesn't need to either."

"I guess that's fine."

"And nobody finds out."

"What?"

"If your lifestyle is public, I won't have anything to do with you. Tuition gets paid if this habit stays in your private life. You don't need to flaunt it like these people on TV."

"But… Dad, I have a boyfriend."

He made a sound of disgust that traveled straight through to my chest.

"I can't stop you from doing any of that, but I won't have it connected to my name. My family. Keep that shit behind closed doors."

"I don't know if I can do that."

"It's your choice. I'll send over the information you need while you decide. Your mom would be very relieved to see you at Christmas, Sen."

The call ended before I'd even processed it fully. I couldn't bring myself to move from this spot. As the rain fell, I remained under the small awning, watching its descent.

His demands were ridiculous. I could handle keeping that part of my life separate from them. It would suck and we'd all know it was fake, but we could still have a relationship.

I thought about what Kai said after I told him about the conversion camp. He told me that I should be disappointed in them, not the other way around. And I was. They'd failed me, especially my dad. But I loved them. Outside of the camps and bigotry, I saw them as good parents. Did one necessarily negate the other? I had no idea.

If I could have a relationship with my family, it felt like that was the right move, even if I had to make some sacrifices. It was the last stipulation that kept me from agreeing because it wasn't just about me. Hiding myself was doable. I'd been doing it for a long time. Hiding Kai… It was wrong in every way, not to mention unfair to him.

I had to talk to him about it before I decided anything. The way we'd been doing things was working. Our relationship was growing and our friends knew about us. No matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise, though, I knew that wouldn't be enough after a while. Kai was proud of who he was and he'd never had to hide it. While he respected my need to be discreet until I was ready, I knew that he didn't like doing it.

An email from my dad came through on my phone with a bunch of attachments. Now that I had everything I needed, I could put in the paperwork for financial aid. It would be difficult, but I could do it. A lot of college students had to go this route.

I stuffed my phone in my pocket and decided to head back to campus while the rain was light. I missed my boyfriend. If he was off the phone, I was going to park myself in his room and attempt to get my paper done, even though I knew that I'd probably just stare at his beautiful face until he inevitably managed to derail any attempts at doing homework.

*****

"It's how much?" I nearly shouted.

Trish, the nice woman in the financial aid office, smiled at me. I shouldn't have yelled, but Jesus. What came out of her mouth was insane.

"Around fifty thousand," she repeated. "With the grants you applied for, you might be looking at around forty."

"And that's every year?"

"Yes, it's for the nine-month school year."

"What about in the summer?"

"Do you want to take summer classes?"

"Not really, but I don't have anywhere to go, so I'd need to stay on campus."

"I can run the numbers for you. Remember, if you can make payments on the loans while you're still in school, it can help with the interest later."

"Yeah, I doubt anything I can pay will help all that much."

"Your tuition for this semester was already paid, but if you want to get financial aid for spring, you'll want to get this in as early as you can."

I chewed on my lip as I stared around the office. Fifty thousand dollars. It was stupid to choose a school out of my home state, apparently. I didn't even know they charged more for that. It seemed pointless.

My parents got a loan to cover my school expenses, but I had no idea it was this expensive. His offer was sounding better the more I thought about it. If I only got my bachelor's degree, I'd still be looking at close to a hundred thousand dollars of debt. That was insane. I was too young for that kind of thing.

What choice did I have? I could apply at a cheaper college. It'd still be a lot, but it could help. One thing was inevitable: I'd need to work full-time. Maybe more than that. My social life would be nonexistent and I'd be tired all the time. I guess this was what it meant to be an independent adult.

I hated it.

"Alright," I said slowly. "I can put the application through even if I'm not sure yet, right?"

"Of course. You'll have to accept the loan before it's finalized."

"Cool. Let's do that, I guess."

After I left her office, I made my way to the cafeteria. It was pretty empty right now, but I knew that it would fill up soon. I grabbed a sandwich and sat at our usual table, poking absently at the bread. Nothing seemed appetizing right now, even though I knew that I needed to eat.

I put my phone on the table and started scrolling through apartment listings. If it was more feasible to quit school and just get a job, I could do that. I wanted the degree, but I didn't even know what I wanted to do with my life. I imagined acquiring all of that debt just to hate the field I chose. It would be a waste.

Apartments in Seattle, and even the outlying areas, were expensive. I couldn't find a studio for less than twelve-hundred. Could I afford that? It was highly unlikely, not to mention I'd need to have money saved for a deposit and furniture. I could go without for a while if I needed to. An air mattress on the floor was better than a life of repression, right?

Maybe. It was hard for me to imagine either scenario.

The discouragement I felt made my shoulders sag. Kai was so positive, always saying that we would figure it out. Well, I was looking for ways, but none of them made me feel good.

Everything was a mess.

I heard West's voice when he entered the cafeteria, so I pushed my emotions down and painted on a brave face. When he came into view with Kai at his side, I held onto that expression with a vice grip. He smiled at me and it made my chest ache.