Chapter 19

Sen

Sen:I decided that I don't want to go.

Dad:That's not one of the options.

Sen:You didn't give me any.

Dad:You know everything we do is because we love you.

Sen:Threatening to pull me out of school isn't love.

Dad: Let me know when you're done with the session.

My eyes burned as I read the last text. I tossed my phone onto the bed and hung my head between my knees.

Everything in my mind was a mess. I allowed myself to do the unthinkable last night. I kissed Kai. He kissed me back. Really kissed me back. Even through the panic and the constant pounding in my head that sounded like my dad's voice, I felt happy while I was with him. There was a sense of wrongness, but it was like something foreign floating at the edge, trying to barge in and ruin everything. Inside, I'd been lighter.

There was a Claritin commercial I remembered seeing when I was younger. At first, the whole picture was hazy, but then it cleared to reveal sunshine and smiling faces. That was sort of how I felt. Clarity was a devilish bastard with an affinity for evasiveness. As soon as I grasped onto it, I found myself lost in a sea of other people's voices again. The only way I'd been managing to hold myself together was to repeat Kai's words from last night.

He promised me safety with him. I woke up to a text he'd sent me at one in the morning, reminding me that everything was okay. He told me that I could wake him up at any time if I started to feel like it wasn't.

It wasn't okay right now, but I couldn't go to him. He couldn't solve this problem for me, so I had to see Derek. If I didn't, my dad would stop paying for school. There was no way I could afford to stay here on my own. I didn't want to go home and, let's be honest, I didn't want to leave Kai.

I pulled on a hoodie, partly because it was raining and partly in an attempt to bring myself a modicum of comfort. Raising the hood, I left the room. My shoulders sagged as I walked through the courtyard toward the parking lot. My Uber was already waiting and with every step toward it, I felt a little more nauseous.

That was kind of funny when I thought about it. Camp Dumont fucked with my head and made me feel sick at the thought of being too close to a man, yet now I felt nauseous as I neared those same people.

I would go because I had no choice, but I refused to give it my all. My entire future was uncertain right now. I had no idea how to feel as comfortable as Kai. I didn't even know if it was possible. All I knew with one hundred percent certainty was that I didn't like what I'd been doing before this.

After the car dropped me off in front of the building, I stared up at the third floor.

I can do this. He's just a man in a cheap suit. He has no power over me.

I opened the door and walked up the stairs slowly. Each step felt like it was sealing my fate, but there was no way to know which one that was.

When I entered the waiting room, Derek was already standing there. It made me feel cornered. The door clicked shut behind me and I wondered if the walls had somehow inched closer together.

"Sen," he greeted cheerfully, holding out his hand.

I slipped mine into my pockets without a word. He cleared his throat and gestured for me to lead the way into his office. It wasn't too late to run. I could make it to the stairs before he tied a noose around my neck.

"You're looking a little green today," he noted as he settled behind his desk. I hadn't even realized I'd sat down.

"I'm fine."

"Don't be afraid to be candid. Last weekend, you were in the midst of a crisis."

Crisis. I'd thought so at the time. Now, it sounded ridiculous.

"Actually, I'm great," I said, forcing enthusiasm into my voice.

"This friend of yours- the confused one. Have you seen him since Saturday?"

"Just in class."

"Mhm. I see. Has he attempted to talk to you?"

"Nope. We've gone our separate ways since I offended him."

"I don't want you to think of it like that. What you did was correct, as were the words you said. If he's offended, it's because he knows there's truth in it. The longer he denies it, the more defensive he'll become about it."

"Right."

"Are there any women on campus who you're attracted to?"

"No," I replied automatically. The way his brows rose as he took notes made me purse my lips.

"Can you identify at least one who you can imagine yourself with?"

"Uh, sure. There's a cheerleader who talks to me."

"Oh, wonderful. I'm sure she has a sort of feminine charm that's quite alluring."

I fought the urge to grimace. "Yeah, definitely. She's beautiful."

He smiled. "Since you've ended a problematic friendship, I think it's a perfect time for you to pursue one that'll better serve you. It doesn't have to be romantic, but I'd like to see you try to find something like that. Based on what we've talked about recently, I think it would be beneficial to try some different types of therapy as well."

"Like what?"

"Do you remember some of the exercises from camp? I know it was a while ago."

My stomach curdled. I remembered them like it was yesterday.

"Yeah, I do."

"I have a couple in mind-"

"I'm not doing those," I interrupted.

"We're just exploring options, Sen. We'll discuss everything in depth later."

Slumping in my seat, I started to lose myself to memories of my time that summer. I'd never thrown up so much in my life. Naked men should make you nauseous, so they gave us something that made us sick while they showed us pictures. If it wasn't vomiting, it was pain or ridicule to the point of having a breakdown. Anything they could do to make us associate our urges with something terrible, they did it.

I couldn't go through any of that again. I didn't want to. Even now, I experienced some of that nausea when I was around Kai. It had largely faded over the years, but enough remained.

Would I ever be free from that place? Probably not and I guess that was the point. Things were changing, though. For the first time since I tried to rebel against the conversion and kissed Travis, my life felt real. I'd taken the wheel and I didn't have any idea how to drive the fucking thing, but I'd rather crash and go flying out the windshield than be chained in the backseat any longer.

Every time Derek's words started to make me doubt myself, I thought of Kai. He was my lighthouse, the only thing that could guide me out of the storm. No matter how many times I got swept out by the waves, I hoped he would still be there to bring me back. To save me.

I've got you. You're safe with me.

Please let him mean those words.

*****

Kai:You look hot today.

My body tensed, but my lips curved upward. I looked over my shoulder and saw him already staring at me from the back of the classroom. In his black hoodie, with his dark hair loose over his forehead and damp from the rain, he looked like a devil. Dimples appeared at the corners of his mouth when he smiled. Then, the asshole winked.

Nothing could have prepared me for that.

Kai:Aren't you gonna tell me I'm hot too?

Shaking my head, I dropped the phone into my backpack. I may have decided to try out this authenticity thing, but that didn't make it easy. I'd hoped that I would wake up this morning with a pep in my step and a new lease on life, but it wasn't that simple.

"Hey," a guy said from beside me.

I looked up at him, trying to place his face. His name was Parker or something like that. "Yeah?"

"I need this seat. My eyesight sucks."

"What?"

When I realized who he was, I turned around. Kai raised a challenging brow and shifted his eyes toward the seat beside him, the one this other guy had been sitting in for over a month.

"Uh, I'm gonna stay here," I told Parker.

My phone buzzed and, curious bastard that I was, I pulled it out of my bag and read the text.

Kai:Ass. Here. Now.

Pretty please.

With a sigh, I picked up my stuff and stood. The room wasn't completely full yet, but there were enough eyes in here to make me feel self-conscious. They were all watching me and making assumptions, I just knew it.

I dropped my bag with a thud and plopped into the seat. Kai grabbed onto the bottom of it and pulled me closer. The chair legs squealed against the floor, drawing more attention.

"Kai," I hissed.

He flashed me an innocent look. "What? You were too far away."

"What the hell are you doing?"

"You kissed me. I'm clingy. Now we're here."

My nostrils flared and my jaw ached from how hard I clenched my teeth. He bit his bottom lip and rolled it back and forth for a minute.

"Relax. I'm not gonna plant one on you or anything."

"They're all gonna know," I muttered.

"If I was sitting with any of my other friends, nobody would think anything of it. Trust me. They're not paying as much attention to you as you think."

"Okay, but if they are…"

He shushed me, putting a finger to my lips. I swatted it away but regretted it when I saw the playfulness flee from his eyes. After a quick glance around the room, I took his hand, threading our fingers, and shifted so that they were concealed.

"You do look hot," I whispered. It wasn't as much about the people around us as it was the fear of saying it aloud. The words almost got stuck in my throat.

He flashed me a heart-stopping smile. Thankfully, Professor Montaghue walked in, so I didn't have to panic as I got lost in it. I tried to pull my hand back, but Kai kept a death grip on it. I thought West was the needy, touchy-feely one, but clearly, they had more in common than I'd given them credit for.

This is wrong. Everybody can see you.

Taking measured breaths, I listened to the lecture. Kai seemed to have a sixth sense when it came to emotions. He stared at me for a moment, then released my hand, but shifted his leg so that his thigh was pressed against mine.

"Compromise," he whispered, smiling at me again as he casually hung his arm over the back of my chair.

This felt less like a compromise and more like I'd found my way into the best dream of my life. I never wanted to wake up.