Chapter 18

Kai

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I probably should've taken a step back immediately, but I couldn't. Something about the way Sen kissed me felt like he'd put the force of his entire soul into it. And he gave me the damn thing as if I knew what the hell to do with it.

Pressing closer to him, I sucked on his lower lip. I wished I wasn't wearing all of my gear so that there was less between us. Dropping my helmet to the floor, I brought my hand to the side of his neck while I cupped his jaw with the other.

"That's why I felt differently about you," I murmured against his mouth.

"Why?"

"Because I've been lying to myself about wanting to kiss you. It would've been rude if you were straight."

"I'm…"

Pulling back slightly, I raised one brow.

"I don't know," he mumbled, casting his eyes to the floor.

Using my grip on his jaw, I angled his face toward me and kissed him softly. I could feel the way he relaxed from the simple touch. It was glaringly obvious there was an ass load of repression going on and I wanted to know the extent of it, but now wasn't the time. I didn't want this moment to end because I was afraid that it'd never return.

"You can touch me," I said.

Out of the corner of my eye, I watched him raise his hand. He was shaking so much that I sort of worried he was gonna have a heart attack or something. I took his wrist and guided him to my face, leaning into his touch. His throat bobbed as his fingers pushed through my hair.

"You're gross and sweaty."

"Mhm." I smiled and let my eyes fall shut. "I think you're digging all of this raw, masculine energy."

I tried to come up with a way to ask him what he wanted. He was like a rabbit in the forest, skittish and ready to run. I was worried he'd be too quick for me to catch him. I was fast, though.

The door to the locker room opened, letting in laughter and conversation. I glanced over my shoulder, seriously considering threatening them until they all left. Sen had already dropped his hand and gone tense, though. I knew that the moment was over, which made me rack my brain faster for something to say.

Before I could figure it out, he ducked under my arm. I watched him disappear around a row of lockers toward the side door.

Damnit.

At least I knew where he lived. He could knock on doors and disappear before I had the chance to answer, but now he'd given me a reason to chase him. He wanted to knock, but I might just smash through like the Kool-Aid man.

Maybe I had a concussion. I didn't think I'd hit my head, but I hadn't let them check me out, so it was possible. That entire encounter could've been in my imagination. I might be able to convince myself of that if I didn't still feel his lips on mine.

"Jesus, Kai. Why would you run off like that?"

I turned to West and blinked a few times to clear my head. He looked frantic with worry, his blue eyes somehow brighter than usual.

"They didn't need to fuss over me."

He marched closer and took my face in his hands. Holding onto it firmly, he searched my eyes. I huffed but let him do his little examination. When he was apparently satisfied, he patted my cheek too firmly, making me wince.

"You get hit like that, you let them check you out," he said with added emphasis.

I rolled my eyes. "Fine. How'd it go out there?'

He broke into a grin, effectively dispelling his previous seriousness. "Basically, I am a football god and I think everybody should bring offerings to my dorm on Fridays."

"Oh, god. We need to hire someone to manage your ego."

He laughed as he stripped out of his jersey. I followed suit, glad to finally tear off my gear.

While West launched into a play by play of the last quarter, I remembered the ten-year-old kid I'd met in sixth grade. He was angry and tried to insult me, but I let it roll off of me and told him that I liked his Naruto shirt, even though it had seen better days and was a little small on his lanky body. A few days later, he followed me home from school. I thought for sure he was going to beat me up. Instead, he asked if I had an Xbox. We played until dinner and when my mom motioned for him to join us, he flinched. She saw it, I saw it, and my dad saw it. After that, he ate with us at least a few times each week.

He was the best person I knew. Even though he never believed it, I constantly reminded him of his potential. Without me, I don't think he would've gone to any college, let alone made it into Harmon on a full ride. He'd stared at that acceptance letter for a full hour, as if he had to convince himself he remembered how to read.

I loved the guy. He was more of a brother than a best friend. Our bond was irreplaceable and when he made it big, like I knew he would, I hoped that wouldn't change.

"You sticking around?" he asked as he slung his duffel over his shoulder.

"You know I am. Wanna join?"

He considered it for a second, then shook his head. "I'm beat. Probably won't even make it out of my clothes before I pass out."

I held out my fist and he bumped it. With a wink, he spun around and headed for the exit. I heard him talking to someone else, which made me laugh. He was like an old man at Thanksgiving, always finding a victim to corner and lure into conversation.

Crazy bastard.

In just a pair of basketball shorts and a t-shirt, the air felt cold enough to make me shiver as I stepped out of the locker room. The lights were still on in the field, but it had cleared out. When the stands were empty like this, I wanted to sit in the middle and just bask in it. If I let my mind wander, I could imagine my dad and mom in their usual spots back home, waving and screaming my name just to embarrass me.

I paused when I saw a figure sitting on the grass by our team benches. My heart sped up and I couldn't help but quicken my pace. He was in the same spot from before when I burned the coin with him. He must've heard me, but he didn't look up.

"Hey," I greeted.

It wasn't often that someone made me nervous like this. I wasn't exactly sure why. Sen was likable and even though I didn't let myself think about him that way before, now that he'd taken a step and shown interest, my mind wouldn't accept any excuses. I liked him and wanted to know him more. So, I dropped to the ground beside him and took his hand. He immediately tensed and started to pull back but seemed to make a conscious effort not to.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"Stop apologizing to me, Sen."

"This is so pathetic. I'm being a little bitch when I should suck it up and act like a man."

I tried not to show my distaste for that entire statement. "A man… Do you have a dick?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Scratch that. More importantly, do you identify as a man?"

"Of course."

"Then you're a man. There are literally no other qualifications aside from that last one."

He stared down at our hands. "I don't know what I'm doing, Kai."

"I know. Hey." I took his face in my hands and pressed our foreheads together. "You've gotta tell yourself that it's okay, Sen."

"It's not okay. I'm not okay."

The way his voice cracked made my chest constrict. I held the back of his head and pulled him against my chest. His arms wrapped around me tightly, clinging to me like I was the only thing keeping him above water.

"It is okay. I've got you. You're safe with me."

"You can't tell anybody," he insisted.

"I would never out you. When I say that you're safe, I mean it."

I continued to cradle him against me. As his breathing evened out, so did my heart rate. I was still worried, but it meant something that he came out here to wait for me. He didn't completely run and I knew it went against everything that had been instilled in him to make him feel so wrong in his skin.

"If I say that I like you, will you freak out?" I asked.

He laughed and pulled away. "I've been freaking out this entire time. No, that kind of felt good, actually. I already threw up, so maybe that helps."

"You threw up?"

"It happens sometimes."

"Will you tell me?"

Meeting my eyes, he drew in a shaky breath. "Yeah, but… not right now."

"Whenever you're ready."

"Are we burning a coin?" He nodded toward the bag.

"No, actually. We won, so we're keeping it."

I pulled out the bag of coins and took one. When I handed it to him with the sharpie, he wrote the date on it like last time. I tugged on a few strands of grass and added them to the jar along with the wood. It was sort of dumb, but once it was done, I felt the same sense of satisfaction that I did every time.

More than anything, I was glad that I'd have these physical reminders of my journey. I had a jar for each football season. I knew, more than many people, how fragile memories could be. All the other ones were on a shelf in my parents' room so that he could see them, even when he didn't know what they meant. I believed some part of him did. When he looked at them, I hoped a little bit of his soul settled.

After screwing on the lid, I looked at Sen. He met my eyes, for once not trying to look away. He was still terrified, but he was here.

Because I was probably a little bit of a selfish dick, I dropped the jar beside me and took either side of his neck. He sucked in a breath just before my lips met his. This time, he sunk his fingers into my hair and held me to him. I groaned when he opened his mouth, letting me stroke my tongue over his.

Moving my hands to his shoulders, I pushed him onto his back. The light rain from earlier still dampened the grass, but he didn't complain as he let his fingers graze over my chest.

It took a god-tier level of effort to pull back. "I don't want to push you too fast. But…" I rolled my hips so that my half-mast dick brushed against his. "I wanted you to know what you do to me, Sen. And I need to remind you that it's okay for you to feel the same way."

He rolled his lips, but not before I saw the way they trembled. I kissed him one more time, soft and sweet so that he'd know I wasn't just being a mindless degenerate with a boner.

Grabbing his biceps, I pulled him into a sitting position, then we both got to our feet. I tried to brush the grass and dirt from my legs, but it was no use. I needed a shower anyway. Badly. It was a wonder he hadn't thrown up again just because of that.

"Are you okay?" I asked, regarding him carefully.

He shook his head. "I'll try to be."

"You don't have to be okay. Just make it the goal. Short-term, long-term, all of them. When it comes down to it, all of us are a goddamn mess in our own way."

As we walked toward the dorms, he wrapped his arms around himself. "How are you always so positive?"

"I don't know, but it helps that I've had people in my life who helped make me this way. You didn't, I assume."

"No. I mean, I thought so, but… Now, I'm questioning everything."

"Good."

"How is that good?"

"Everything should be questioned. If a thing can't withstand being challenged, questioned, researched, and tested throughout time, it's not worth subscribing to. Anyone who tries to demonize the very human desire to understand things is just trying to sell you something."

We stopped when we reached our doors. There was a noticeable awkwardness between us and I decided to let him lead. I'd pushed him before and I didn't want to keep doing that until I better understood what was going on in his head.

He stepped forward, but instead of kissing me, he hugged me. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and inhaled the coconut scent of his shampoo.

"Sorry I smell like shit," I murmured against his hair.

"It's okay."

"You're supposed to say I don't."

"Well…"

Pulling back, I bit my lip on the smile that was aggressively trying to break through. "What are you doing tomorrow? I owe you sushi."

"I only have one class on Fridays until eleven."

"Perfect. I'll pick you up at one. I'll even come to your door because I'm a gentleman."

His eyes crinkled as he smiled. "Okay. Wait."

I paused with my hand on the doorknob. His expression had changed into something more guarded.

"Can we go at three? I have something to do tomorrow."

"You have a study session?" I joked.

"Just, um… Sort of."

"Alright. I'll see you at three."

He offered me a curt nod before he slipped into his room. I waited until the lock turned, then flipped on my light and glowered at my shower bag. I just wanted to sleep, but I really smelled like a swamp.