Chapter 20

Keep showing up. Cass sighed. Here she was, sitting in her truck, trying to muster up the courage to show up at Aunt Wills's front door for no reason.

"You have a reason, dipshit. Your wife is in there." Cass glared at herself in the rearview mirror. She was tired and cranky. Sad, she corrected silently. She was allowed to be sad, yes. But that didn't mean she had to stop trying. Stop showing up. So, she grabbed the small bag next to her and jumped out of the truck, trotting up to the door. She rang the doorbell before she could talk herself out of it.

Rebecca opened the door and was surprised — yet very happy — to see Cass standing there. God she looks good. The tight jeans and V-neck tee were indeed an appealing look for the tall, androgynous woman.

"Cass, hi," Rebecca smiled. She noted again the flash of disappointment, but Cass's return smile was genuine.

"Hey, Becca. How are you feeling?"

I stayed up way too late reading and fantasizing about you, so I'm tired."I'm okay. I'm being waited on hand and foot by my aunt and sleeping a lot because she won't let me do anything else."

"I can hear you!" Willamena shouted from somewhere inside the house.

"I know!" Rebecca shouted back, then swayed when a wave of dizziness washed over her. She pressed her fingers to her temple, hoping it would help relieve the pounding.

Cass immediately closed in on Rebecca, her arms wrapping around her. "Are you okay?"

"Oh," Rebecca involuntarily breathed in Cass's intoxicating scent. "I-I'm fine. Note to self: do not shout at your overly doting aunt."

"Come on, let's get you inside." Cass bent and hooked her arm under Rebecca's knees, easily picking her up.

Fuck me.Rebecca buried her head in the crook of Cass's neck, hoping to hide her blush. Please tell me I didn't say that out loud.

"I-I can walk." Shut up. If the woman wants to carry you, let that muscled body press against you.

Cass's heart was pounding in her chest. Rebecca's arms were wound around her neck, and her lips were close enough that if Cass just tilted her head, she could…

Cass cleared her throat. "I know, but why walk when you can get a free ride?" she grinned. She gently deposited Rebecca on the couch and covered her with a soft blanket. "There, all cozy." Cass's fingertip grazed Rebecca's cheek as she pushed a strand of blonde hair behind Rebecca's ear. Their eyes were fixated on each other, but neither quite knew what to say.

"What happened?"

Ugh! Perfect timing, Aunt Wills! Rebecca barely managed to control her frustration. "Nothing happened. I got dizzy, and Cass helped me to the couch. End of story."

Cass stood faster than a teenager getting caught with her hand down her girlfriend's pants. "I-I probably should have called before I came over. I didn't mean to cause any undue stress."

Rebecca reached up and touched Cass's hand. "No, it wasn't your fault."

Willamena could have kicked herself for interrupting their moment. But she wouldn't gamble with Rebecca's recovery. She'd apologize to Cass later.

"You know you're always welcome here, Cass," Willamena said, noting that Rebecca was still holding Cass's fingers. "Did you need something, or were you hoping I had more pasta?"

Cass smiled. She, too, was painfully aware Rebecca was still touching her. Cass's body wouldn't let her try to ignore it. It's fine. I'm fine. Everything is fine. Keep a cool head, try to stop the blood from traveling south, and we're good. All good. "I will never turn down food. Actually, I'm here because, uh, I forgot to pack Becca's favorite brush."

Now that she was standing here in this situation, Cass's reason for coming here sounded incredibly pathetic.

"Brush?" Reluctantly, Rebecca let her hand drop because she couldn't think of a good reason to keep holding Cass's hand. "I… have a favorite brush?"

"Totally." Cass grabbed the brush out of her back pocket, waving it around like a prize. "You use it every night. It makes your hair so silky and soft. I love running my fingers… I mean, uh…" Cass sputtered, not knowing whether to apologize or run away.

Rebecca absently touched her ponytail. Oh, what she wouldn't do to have Cass running her fingers through her. Hair! Through your hair, Rebecca! But her hair was neither soft nor silky at the moment. Still, something inside her itched for the chance to tease Cass.

"They tell me I have amnesia. How do I know this is my favorite brush?"

"Well, I…" Cass saw a glint in Rebecca's eyes. She's teasing me! That had to be a good sign, right? "I guess you'll just have to trust me."

"I guess so." Rebecca tried unsuccessfully to stifle a yawn. "Sorry! That is in no way a reflection on my present company."

"Someone stayed up too late reading even though they promised they wouldn't," Willamena scolded playfully.

Right. Reading. "Thank you, Aunt Wills." Rebecca caught Cass's eye and made a face. Her breath caught when Cass laughed heartily.

"What were you reading?" Cass asked, wiping tears of laughter from her eyes. Those were much more welcome than the tears of sadness she shed last night as she tried to sleep.

Rebecca pursed her lips. What would Cass think about her reading preferences? Samantha never allowed her to read ‘trashy novels.' Once, when Samantha was high, she admitted it was because Rebecca didn't need to get any wrong ideas about what a relationship should be. Rebecca was a possession. A toy for Samantha's pleasure. No more, no less.

"Just a book I found on Aunt Wills's shelf. I thought it might keep me entertained while I was cooped up."

"You're not cooped up. You're recouping," Willamena countered, curious as to why Rebecca didn't tell Cass what she was reading. She assumed it had to do with Samantha. If so, Willamena was willing to help her niece by showing her she didn't have to be worried about telling Cass the truth. "She's reading a Joslyn Cohan book. One from her series."

Cass's eyes lit up, but Rebecca missed it because she was too busy glaring at her aunt. "The one with the, uh, interesting dynamic between the two main characters?"

"That's the one!" Willamena announced with a shit-eating grin.

Rebecca narrowed her eyes. "Don't you have food to prepare, woman?" Cass's words then registered in her brain. "Wait, you read Joslyn Cohan?"

Cass nodded. "Hell, yeah! They're freakin' hot! Well written, too. I don't wanna give any spoilers, though."

Rebecca smiled. "Thank you. I'm almost done, so maybe we can discuss it after I finish?"

She wants to see me again! "I'd like that." Cass smiled when Rebecca yawned again. "I should go and let you rest."

"You don't want to stay for dinner?"

Cass kneeled next to a disappointed Rebecca. "I do, but you can't stop yawning. My first — my only — priority is your welfare and recovery, Becca. I'm gonna go so you can take a nap. Maybe when you wake up, you can finish that book, and we'll have our own little book club about it."

Rebecca smiled sweetly. "I'd like that." She yawned again and laughed. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't be." Cass brushed her fingertips over Rebecca's soft cheek. "I'll see you soon, okay?"

Rebecca nodded. As much as she wanted Cass to stay, she was having a difficult time keeping her eyes open. "Soon."

Cass sat there,staring at a blank canvas. Don't try to paint if your heart isn't in it. Her heart was only a couple of miles away, though it felt further somehow. Tonight, however, gave Cass hope. Rebecca still may not remember Cass, but there was something there. That spark that lit Cass's fire the first time around burned a little brighter tonight. She could feel it. The way Rebecca touched and looked at her? It was familiar, yet new. And oh, so exciting.

Cass picked up her paintbrush, and with the feel of holding Rebecca still lingering, she made the first stroke. She had no vision, no plan for this painting. But her heart was there. Cass wasn't able to express her love for Rebecca verbally. Or even with the actions she had become so accustomed to. Had she taken Rebecca for granted? Oh, she had always shown Rebecca love and attention. But could she have done better with just being with Rebecca?

She didn't know if she deserved a second chance with Rebecca, but Cass sure as hell would fight for one. This time, she'd do it differently. She'd do it right. Rebecca would know without a doubt that Cass's life meant nothing without her. It wasn't about the sex — no matter how incredible it was. It was Rebecca herself that completed Cass. After years of being ‘Cassanova' and never feeling the urge to be tied down with someone, Rebecca appeared seemingly out of nowhere and flipped Cass's world upside down. And sideways. And catawampus.

Cass chuckled, the low sound filling the silent air. "Catawampus. Maybe that should be my new safe word."

That made Cass think of Mistress. Mistress isn't someone Rebecca created, Cass. She is Rebecca. Cass hoped Eve was right. While there are things Cass would change about how she showed Rebecca love, the one thing she didn't want to change was submitting to Mistress. Giving herself to Rebecca fully was a true sign of trust for Cass. If Mistress really were a part of Rebecca, Cass would be more than happy to help bring that side out again.

"We just need to balance every aspect of our lives better," Cass told herself. That included work, home life, sex life, social life, and… family life. While Rebecca couldn't have kids, the discussion of adopting was never off the table. Cass wasn't sure that would be the direction their lives would go, but it was definitely something to discuss with Rebecca in depth to get a definitive answer. They had both been anxious to get Mocha back, though… Cass smiled. With Rebecca slowing down and Cass determined to slow down with her, this had been the perfect time to see how well they did with having a full-time living being dependent on them. How would Rebecca react if Cass brought Mocha around to… reconnect?

Cass sighed and put her brush down. "Ugh! I'm overthinking this. We were great before the tumor. We'll be even better after. I'll get Rebecca and Mocha back and show them both I'm all in." She looked at her canvas and laughed. "And hopefully Mocha has learned that our toys are not hers."

"You're up late."

Rebecca bobbled the mug she had just taken down from the cabinet. "Please don't do that." She puffed out her cheeks and tried to regulate her heartbeat. It seemed that whenever Rebecca's pulse pounded, so did her head.

"Do what?" Willamena took the mug from Rebecca's trembling hands.

"Sneak up on me. And I was going to make some tea, so I'm going to need that."

"Sit. I'll make you some." Willamena waited until Rebecca complied with her request, then went to work on making that tea. "Just so you know, I didn't sneak up on you. You, however, were lost in thought. Care to share?"

"I was… trying to remember."

"Remember what?"

"Everything, Aunt Wills. But mostly… Cass."

Willamena smiled to herself. "You like her." You love her.

"She's sweet. Definitely different than…"

"Than what you're used to?" Willamena helped. She set Rebecca's mug in front of her, then took a seat, dunking her tea bag as she observed Rebecca as a psychiatrist. "Does that scare you?"

Rebecca raised a brow. "Seriously? You're going to psychoanalyze me now?"

"Perks of the job," Willamena teased. "You know, I happen to be pretty good at my job. But if you don't want to talk about this, I won't make you."

"Can I ask you something?" Rebecca said instead of acknowledging Aunt Wills's offer not to talk.

"Of course."

"Why did I choose Samantha? Did — or do — I know that answer? Mom and Dad didn't raise me to be weak. Nor did you. I don't understand why I would choose to be with a sadist like Samantha. And stay with her for years. H-how do I trust what I think I feel for Cass if I don't trust myself to make good decisions?"

Willamena reached over and took Rebecca's hand. "We have discussed this, and it took you years to forgive yourself for the choices you made. But I'll tell you now what I've always told you. You weren't the weak one. Samantha was. Rebecca, you have been pushing yourself since your parents died. It got to the point where all you did was work and study. Friendships suffered, and as a result, so did your confidence. Not in your abilities but in who you were. You had been called ‘boring' so many times you needed to prove to yourself you weren't. Samantha was… exciting at the time. She introduced you to a world you didn't know you needed or wanted. Only, the way she did it nearly broke you."

"She did break me, Aunt Wills," Rebecca said, staring into her tea. Surely, Cass would see through whatever facade Rebecca must have been flaunting these past couple of decades.

Willamena shook her head. "I disagree. You are so different now." Especially from the first time you woke up in the hospital after Samantha tried to kill you. "You may have been knocked down, but you were never broken."

Rebecca frowned. "Is that what I'm doing with Cass? Finding something ‘exciting' with someone who is clearly way younger than I am?"

"Absolutely not. You were way past finding who you were when you met Cass. She isn't someone you were looking for, but she's become someone you need. She balances you, Rebecca. And, more importantly, she makes you deliriously happy."

Rebecca sat back in her chair with a thud and a groan. "This not remembering shit is so frustrating!"

"I can imagine. But I think it's counterproductive to try and remember things you don't know you're supposed to remember. Don't look at me like that. It makes perfect sense. Let the memories come to you instead of you trying to get to them." Willamena patted Rebecca's arm. "Now, why don't you go upstairs and…"

"If you say get some rest, I swear I'm going to scream. That's all I've been doing!"

"Good," Willamena smirked. This stubborn side of Rebecca is one she hadn't seen in years. Well, that wasn't exactly true. Rebecca Cuinn-Giles was one of the most stubborn people Willamena knew, but it was the sullen pout that tickled Willamena's funny bone. It was one of young Rebecca's traits that Willamena wasn't sad to see go. Seeing a nearly fifty-year-old Rebecca do it was quite comical. "That's all you should be doing. Doctor's orders."

Rebecca narrowed her eyes. "Where did you get your degree again?"

"From a Cracker Jack box before they stopped giving anything but ridiculous stickers or tattoos."

Rebecca's eyes widened. "They don't give toys anymore?!"

"Nope. I'm probably one of the last ones to get a degree from there." Willamena stood, kissing Rebecca on the top of her head. "That means I have every authority to tell you to get your behind upstairs and…" she leaned down to whisper in Rebecca's ear. "Get some rest."