24. Emmett

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

emmett

After gettinghome from what was the worst day at work since I started there, I grunt at my roommates and brother, who are hanging out in the living room, and make my way to the cupboard I call home now.

It’s not a literal cupboard, but with the cluttered mess the guys haven’t cleaned out yet and the small mattress I was sleeping on in Benny’s frat house, I have no room to move. So instead, I flop down on my stomach and wallow.

Ignoring Jonah was the worst because all I wanted to do was tell the kids to skate and have fun while I ran over to him and kissed the fuck out of him.

I stayed strong though, and I need to.

He asked to take a step back and get some space, and maybe we both need it.

I was getting way too comfortable with him, and that was only after staying over at his place twice in a row.

He needs to walk away from me. He needs to save us both because I’m not strong enough to end things myself.

It’s inevitable, so why are we even contemplating sweeping this under the rug? Why is he dangling hope in front of me when we both know a secret between partners is unhealthy and will only lead to resentment? And then if he found out what that secret was? It would ruin everything and hurt Benny.

And the last thing I ever want to do is hurt my brother.

“Yo, mopey fuckface. What happened?”

Okay, now I want to hurt him. Physically anyway. I settle for giving him the finger instead. I don’t turn my head, don’t acknowledge him in any other way.

The idea of him being punished for a mistake we both made … I can’t live with that. I don’t want him to get hurt academically because he has dyscalculia. We both already feel guilty enough for holding each other back. We thought we were helping, but we only cheated each other out of a proper education. We took the protective route when we might have needed to be more supportive and tried to teach and share our strengths instead of doing it for each other.

But hindsight is 20/20 or whatever that phrase is. We didn’t know we were making things worse by trying to make them better.

It took me until this morning to realize the other reason I took the fall for the fire, and it’s that I don’t believe I deserve to be in college.

Yes, I hated it, and I don’t want to go back, but it wasn’t just that. I welcomed the blame, the expulsion, the consequences, because I knew I hadn’t earned my spot.

Guilt hits in the weirdest ways. At random times. Benny and I had been switching for years. We even cheated on the SATs, for crying out loud. We tested at separate centers, on different days, and in the short break between the math and English portions, we met up in the bathrooms, swapped clothes, and no one was any wiser.

The amount of trouble we went to so we could keep taking the easy way out is now astonishing to me, and it’s no surprise both of us only have a middle-grade grasp on our poorer subjects.

“Is this normal for him?” Marshall asks Benny. “This is what he’s done all day since he came home this morning from being out all night. Then when it was time to go to work, he got up and left, and now …”

“He’s imitating a dead fish. Probably practicing for all the sex he has with Professor Brooks.”

Why am I protecting him again?

Oh, right. Love and all that crap.

“I’ll talk to him.”

I don’t need to lift my head to know Benny is ushering Marshall and probably my other roommates out so he can tell me to snap out of this toxic funk.

We both know his speech won’t work, but it’s what we do for each other. The door closes with a resounding click, and then Benny kicks my foot.

“Move over so I can sit down somewhere.”

Instead of sitting up, I roll so I’m horizontal, my head still on the low mattress but my legs lifted to rest on some boxes stacked on top of each other. Don’t know which roommate they belong to or what’s in them, but they’re sturdy, so that’s all that matters.

Benny mirrors my position. “What’s wrong?” He draws out the word and puts baby talk into it. He might be being condescending, but this is how Benny shows he cares.

“Your face is what’s wrong.” I, too, am amazing at expressing how I feel.

“So, your face? Is that what you mean?”

“Yes.”

Benny turns his head to me. “Wait, is it really our faces that’s the issue?”

“Yep.”

“Because we’re so good-looking?”

“Because it’s the fucking same. Can you imagine what our lives would’ve been like had we not been identical?”

“Completely boring.” He answers so quickly. “Imagine how many times we actually would’ve been in trouble for all the crap we did if they could tell us apart and knew who to blame?”

“Imagine getting the help we both needed in school and being able to actually function like every other human being.”

“Emmy …”

I shake my head. “Sorry. I’m in a really shitty headspace. Jonah basically asked if we have a future, and I had to tell him no. So now he needs space, and he’s going to decide I’m not worth the effort, and⁠—”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow your roll. What did you tell him exactly? Why can’t you have a future with him?”

“You can’t be pissed at me, considering I did it to protect you.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Think about it, Benny. Say we end up getting serious. He meets the family. We fall in love and have a big queer wedding, and then one day, he finds out you have dyscalculia and there’s no way you could’ve gotten your grades in his class.”

“So tell him after I get my degree.”

I huff. “And then make him feel tricked? Like, ha ha, my big secret is we cheated our way into a degree for Ben, and now he has his diploma, there’s nothing you can do about it. Come here and give me a kiss. Love you.”

Benny’s silent, and so am I because I think we’re both finally getting those consequences we’ve avoided for so long.

To protect my brother, I have to give up someone I really could love.

In years to come, will I look back at college and think I’m an idiot for even wanting Jonah to begin with, or will I look back and only see resentment for my twin?

It’s impossible to know, and I’m scared to find out the truth.

Only time will tell.

“I’m so sorry, Em,” he whispers, and I know he is.

Because “I am too,” I whisper back.

“We really fucked ourselves over, didn’t we?” he says.

“Yup. Any regrets?”

“Nope.” Benny’s mouth pops on the P. “Actually, yeah. I regret that we’ve held each other back for so long thinking it was for the best. Without that, none of this would have happened, and you could be as happy as …” He slams his mouth shut.

“You were about to say you’re happpppy,” I taunt.

“Was not. You lie. We should be doing things to make you happy. Let’s go out tonight.”

Pass. “Does it look like I want to move?”

He laughs. “Yes, actually. How are you comfortable?”

“I’m not. But I deserve it, I guess.”

Benny grabs my arm. “No, no, no, none of that. Up we get. You know what will be super fun? Taking Harrison to Bottom’s Up. You know that gay bar where all the Navy SEALs are drunk and shirtless a lot of the time? I’m about to open that baby bi’s eyes to the awesomeness that is half-naked sailors.”

“Is there any point in saying no to you right now?”

He tugs on my arm harder, trying to get me to stand, and it’s all the answer I need.

I shake off his grip. “I’m getting up. I’m getting up.”

“Good. Because you stink. Did you not shower at the rink?”

“Nope. Couldn’t be bothered.”

“Go shower, then we’ll have pre-drinks before we go have all the drinks.”

“Is tonight going to get messy?”

“You betcha.”

Great. Just great. But hey, maybe drinking my weight in alcohol will make me forget my problems.

If only that was possible.