23. Jonah

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

jonah

Emmett sits there,trying to find the words to say that will let me down gently.

I get it. He said from the start there were things that he couldn’t offer me. I thought it was because his brother was my student, but it’s obviously more than that.

What it is, I have no idea, but if I’m going to continue to sleep with him, I need to readjust my hopes.

We have fun together, and while I might have stronger feelings for him than he does for me, I can handle that. As long as I know ahead of time that if I allow myself to fall, it’s my own fault because he has promised me nothing.

He’s still staring with a scrunched brow, and while I’m tempted to hear what he has to say, I know it’s not going to be the words I want to hear. You don’t hesitate this long if there isn’t something major standing in your way.

“Your lack of answer is answer enough,” I say. “Can we forget I said anything? Let’s see where this goes and try not to think about any future.” I drink the rest of my coffee in one gulp and get back out of bed. “I’m going to get dressed and head to campus.”

“Jonah … I …”

I avert my gaze. I can’t look into his eyes if he’s going to end things all because I got ahead of myself. But because I’m me, I completely ignore that voice telling me not to turn back to him, and when I do, it’s not pity in his eyes. There are fucking tears.

“Shit, what’s wrong?” In a split second, I’m by his side, unable to help myself.

“I can’t do this.”

My heart sinks. “Wait, we don’t need to put a label on anything, and I know you feel like I’m pressuring you, but—” I run my hand over my hair. “I shouldn’t have brought it up. I’ve been happy with what we have, and I went and screwed it up because I haven’t liked anyone the way I like you in a really long time. And there I go again with the pressure. I’m sorry. I really am. Maybe … maybe we need to take a step back. Then I won’t be crowding you and you⁠—”

“You’re not crowding me,” he croaks. “You have no idea how much I want to give everything to you, but I can’t. I literally can’t.”

“Why? What’s standing in your way? I don’t understand.”

Emmett buries his head in his hands. “I’m not a good person. Benny and I … we’re not … I’m not …”

“What are you talking about?”

“There’s another reason I took the fall for that guy who set fire to the dorms, but I can’t talk about it.”

“Ever?” I squeak.

“Even if we were to fall in love, become boyfriends, get married, I would never be able to tell you without betraying my brother, and when it comes down to love and relationships or having Benny by my side, it will always be Benny. Do you understand?”

Not in the slightest. I am starting to think Ben might have killed someone, though. That’s probably being dramatic.

Or is it?

“So if I want to be with you in any capacity, you’re saying I have to ignore this giant secret you have, and it will never be a piece you will share with me?”

“I can’t expect you to be okay with that, which is why …”

“Why you’ve been holding back.”

“Exactly.” Defeat laces his voice.

I don’t want to lose what we have, but at the same time, I don’t think a relationship can build if two people aren’t being completely open and honest with each other. But in a sense, he is being honest. He has told me there’s something he can’t say, will not say, and can never say.

So I guess the question is, will I be able to accept that and still trust him?

It would be easy to say we’re at the beginning of this, we could see where it leads, and the big stuff isn’t important, but what if we do this, and I fall past the point of no return, and then I realize this void between us is too big? Do I protect my heart now or risk having to pick up the broken pieces in the future?

“I … I need to think about this,” I say. “I’m sorry⁠—”

“Don’t be sorry. It’s fair. This is exactly why I said I can’t date you. Why I wanted only that first night, but then you’d bring your nephew to hockey practice, and I couldn’t fucking help myself. You know, if you weren’t so irresistible, this wouldn’t have become an issue.”

As much as that thought warms me, it just makes me sad.

Emmett stands. “I’ll let you get ready for classes and give you the space you need.”

My heart tells me to beg him to stay and forget about whatever secret he has that was done in the past. It has nothing to do with me. Yet, my gut instincts hold me back.

So I only watch as he gets dressed and then approaches me, kissing me softly on the cheek and then walking out the door.

When did this all become so complicated?

I’m nervous walking into Cullen’s hockey practice that afternoon because I still don’t have any idea how I feel about the whole situation.

But when I do go inside, Emmett is already on the ice, his hair tied back in his signature messy bun, his powerful legs pushing him around like he’s gliding on air.

I give him a wave when he looks in our direction, but it’s as if he wasn’t paying attention because he snaps out of whatever trance he was in, puts on a weak smile, and waves back.

He doesn’t come near us though. “Go get dressed and get out here, Cullen.”

Emmett’s either giving me the space I said we need or has decided I’m not worth the effort of keeping. Which would make sense. He’s been nothing but truthful about us having no future from the beginning, and maybe my “I really, really like you” speech was his wake-up call that it is time to cool it.

I wish I had someone to talk to about this, but all of my college friends moved on after graduation. Some went on to do their master’s at other schools; some went straight into the workforce.

I could call my sister, but we don’t really have that type of relationship. I love Lauren, but I don’t trust her judgment when it comes to men.

When I began the year, I was assigned a tenured professor as a mentor, but I don’t think asking for love advice was included in the mentoring. Then again, the best piece of advice he’s given me so far is “Don’t get a lap dance from a student,” so maybe not all hope is lost?

So, while Cullen has his lesson, I take out my phone and text Dr. Sinclair.

Me

You want to go out for a drink tonight?

Dr. Sinclair

That would be completely inappropriate. But tell me, you had sex with a student, didn’t you?

Me

No. But I do need some advice. It’s not strictly professoring related though.

Dr. Sinclair.

I’m in. Just tell me when and where.

I’d normally meet up with friends at Shenanigans, but I’ve noticed the shift in vibe ever since becoming a professor instead of a student. Almost like I’m not welcome there anymore. It’s possible I’m reading into it because I’m me and I’m not entirely the smoothest of people, but either way, I don’t want to have this conversation in a bar with a million students.

Me

There’s a bar near the Navy base called Bottom’s Up. You heard of it? It’s a gay bar that has all the nice sailor eye candy.

Dr. Sinclair

Now I’m doubly in. Though, I can only look. No touching.

Me

Same. But I just can’t go to Shenanigans.

Dr. Sinclair

You definitely slept with a student.

Me

At least that would be a clear answer—cut and run. This is more complicated than that.

Dr. Sinclair

Instead of meeting there, let’s ride share so we can get you drunk.

I’m starting to think my mentor might be a bad influence on me.

When Cullen’s class is done, Emmett doesn’t come near me. I take Cullen into the locker room to help him out of his hockey gear, and then Emmett is nowhere to be seen when we’re done.

“Ready to go?” I ask Cullen but still glance around for Emmett to show his face.

“Yep. Hockey is so much fun.”

So he’s not getting sick of this sport as quickly as I thought he would, and I can’t help thinking it’s because he wants me to suffer as payback for putting him through every other sport under the sun.

Why else would he attach himself to the one sport that has Emmett in it?

Totally selfish on his part.

“Let’s get out of here.” I steer my nephew toward the exit, but I’m walking so slowly people probably think I’m moving in slow motion.

We get to the door before I hear Emmett’s voice.

“See you next week, Cullen. Good job today.”

“Thanks, Coach Dalton,” Cullen calls back but keeps walking.

I hesitate for a minor second before turning back to Emmett.

He gives me that small smile of his, and all I can do is return it before walking out.

Where we stand, I can’t be sure, but until I figure out whether or not I can accept his situation, it’s better this way. Even if it fucking hurts.