25. Jonah

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

jonah

Because it’sthe middle of the week and it’s still early, the bar is quiet, which is good.

“What will you have, Dr. Sinclair?”

“What have I told you? When there are no students around, call me Silas.”

I purse my lips. “I was about to say it feels too unprofessional to do that, but here we are, getting drinks and about to talk about my dating life, so really, what is professionalism anyway?”

His lips turn upward. “You’re still not going to call me Silas though, are you?”

“Silas,” I say to make a point, but my voice cracks. It’s weird because he’s kind of an authority figure, but not really, so it’s messing with my head.

Dr. Sinclair is in his thirties, already tenured, and if it weren’t for his tattoos down one arm, I would’ve said he was the most straitlaced person ever. He’s usually clean-shaven, but on occasion, like tonight, it looks like he hasn’t shaved for a couple of days, and it gives him a sexy, scruffy look.

A few months ago, I would’ve said he is the type of guy I usually go for. Mature, put together. But after meeting Emmett, I’m starting to think those men were my type because it’s who I thought I should go for.

Maybe when it comes to relationships, I need to be the serious one.

We order drinks and find a cocktail table in the corner we can stand at.

I take a sip of my beer, but Silas just watches me.

“Are you going to start talking, or do you need something stronger than light beer?” He swigs his grown-up drink of liquor with no soda in it, which makes it palatable for me.

Maybe I am closer to the students I teach in mental age than I thought. Emmett sure as fuck can bring out my playful side. I’m in that age where I haven’t got everything figured out yet but am too old to be doing stupid shit.

I take another sip and then rest my elbows on the cocktail table. “Those rumors about me, about being with a student⁠—”

“Dire, indeed. Tell me everything.”

“I wasn’t with my student, but I did sleep with his twin brother. Only, I didn’t know at the time that he had a twin or that his twin was in my class because how are you supposed to keep two hundred students in two different classes straight?”

“You don’t. Half the time when I’m lecturing, I’m asleep.”

“Exactly. And at least I thought I knew him from somewhere, but I didn’t put two and two together until I met Ben, who’s Emmett’s twin. But anyway, this isn’t the point. This is merely the background.”

“Got it. Continue.”

“Emmett and I have been sleeping together, dating, and doing all that mushy gushy crap you do in the beginning of a relationship. Seeing each other any chance you get, staying over. He slept at my place twice. In a row.”

“Oh, wow, so you’re practically married, then.”

“I’m not finished. Anyway, I knew I was getting ahead of myself, and I brought up the where do we stand conversation, and it was obviously way too soon because he freaked the fuck out.”

Silas winces.

“I know, right? Shit move on my part, but the thing is, he wasn’t freaking out because I was pushing him for something he wasn’t ready for. He was freaking out because he has this huge secret, and he told me he will never be able to say what it is. He can’t give himself to me wholly unless I’m okay with always being kept in the dark.”

“Damn, those are some red flags right there.”

“So you think it’s a red flag too?”

“I do, but who doesn’t love a good red flag? I’m trying to think of what kind of secret it could be, why he told you about it in the first place, and how he expects you to be all cool with it.”

“It has something to do with his twin brother, and he says he’s protecting him.”

“From what? Did they kill a man? They were originally triplets and killed off the third?”

Maybe I’ll take back what I said about Silas being mature. Even if murder was the exact same thing I was thinking when Emmett first told me.

Silas takes a drink and then licks his lips. “If it has to do with his brother and not you, do you think you could move past it?”

“I get the impression it does have something to do with me.”

“Conceited?”

I scoff. “Paranoid and insecure.”

“Ah, I see.” His long and lean finger taps the side of his glass. “Could you try to figure out what the secret is on your own and then decide whether or not you can forgive it?”

“Where would I even start with that?” Something Emmett said comes back to me. “Wait, he said it had to do with the fire that got him kicked out of San Diego State.”

“You’re dating someone who set a fire and has big secrets? I should tell you to run far, far away.”

I wave him off. “He didn’t set it. His roommate did, but Emmett took the fall … for some reason.”

“Or he’s lying to you, he and his brother did it, they killed someone, and⁠—”

“No one was hurt.”

“Are you sure?”

My eyes widen. Fuck, am I sure?

Silas smiles. “Let me find out for you. I went to college with Professor Turner, who’s teaching biology there.” He takes out his phone and sends off a text.

“What am I supposed to do while we wait for his reply?” And why am I so suggestible? All it’s taken is for Silas to question one thing Emmett has told me to start thinking he’s a liar and I can’t trust him.

One little doubt has me questioning everything we even had.

And this is why Emmett has been adamant about having no future. Because he knows that I will never trust him. Not fully.

I could say that I do, even believe that I do, and then something will happen, or he’ll say a white lie or something doesn’t match up exactly with what he’s saying, and I’ll go back to this—questioning what he’s keeping from me and if it’s about me. About us. If it has the potential to destroy everything.

“On second thought,” I say, “I don’t need to know. Not knowing the answer to it is enough of a warning sign that you’re right. I should end it. Too many red flags and not enough answers.”

“So go digging for answers. Do a deep dive on him.”

“At this point, I’m not sure I even want to know the truth.” Not to mention, that’s a huge breach of privacy.

Across the bar, near the entrance, there’s a loud ruckus as a group of guys enters. I almost swallow my tongue when I see who it is. The red hair catches my attention first—Harrison. There are two other guys with him who I don’t know, but where Harrison is, Ben will be, and where Ben will be⁠—

Yup. On cue, I see the twins. One of them looks gleefully happy, while the other looks like he’d rather be anywhere but here with his hoodie up and one blond curl hanging down by his face. I’m hopeful the sad one is Emmett, but Harrison throws his arm around that one and kisses the top of his head, pulling him toward the bar.

Guess Emmett really doesn’t care, then. Avoiding me this afternoon, happily going out partying tonight … Can the world please open up and swallow me whole?

“Fucking hell,” I grumble.

“What?”

“They’re here.”

Silas lifts his head, scanning the room. “Who?”

“Emmett. And his twin brother and a few other guys.”

“Ooh, where?”

I point them out.

“Which one is yours?”

Even though I’m sure it’s the one smiling with one of the other men, maybe he’s on a first date in a group or his brother is setting him up with someone more appropriate for him, I can’t shake the instinct that Emmett’s the one currently at the bar with his brother’s boyfriend’s arm wrapped around him. But how does that make sense?

“The two at the bar are boyfriends, so I’m guessing Emmett’s the one flirting with the other guys.”

Silas cocks his head. “Would we call talking flirting?”

“Probably,” I mutter and drain the rest of my beer.

His phone lights up on the tabletop, and as Silas reads, his brow creases. “That’s a dead end. Your boy was telling the truth. Accidental fire. The school wanted to kick both him and his roommate out, but they were both top students, and Emmett was adamant it was all him. There was an official hearing, and when Emmett had a chance to defend himself, all he said was, ‘I deserve this.’”

“Why would he say that if he didn’t do it though? Sure, he was covering and taking the fall for someone else—allegedly—but why wouldn’t he say he’s sorry for doing it? Why would he say he deserves getting kicked out of school?”

“Part of the covering act, I suppose.”

At that moment, one of the unfamiliar guys locks eyes with me. I audibly gasp and quickly look away because I’m that smooth.

“We should get out of here,” I say.

“Already? You’re not drunk yet.”

“I don’t want him to see me. Or talk to me.”

“Even though you know he told you the truth about the fire?”

I think long and hard about that because he was telling the truth. It was my insecurity that let my imagination get away from me, and that’s not his fault. It’s mine.

But that doesn’t change anything. Our relationship would always be like that. I will always have doubts, and he will always have his secret.

I woke up this morning thinking I’d found such an amazing man. Someone I was excited to see. Who was sweet, hot as fuck, and damn, the sex …

Now … Now I’m starting to think all that superficial stuff is just that—surface-level bullshit.

We’ll never have a future; I agree with him on that now. We could’ve worked through it together instead of what this is, but he made his choice to not let me in, and I can’t keep chasing someone who’s unavailable.

“I want to get out of here before he sees me.”

But as if his ears were burning or he could hear me all the way across the bar, blue-green eyes meet mine, and I want to mentally high-five myself for not trusting the obvious answer when it comes to Emmett. He is the one being consoled. It’s written all over his face when our gazes meet.

“Uh,” Silas says, “too late by the look of it.”

Fuck.