32. Fletcher

"Oh, come on, Fletcher. You know you want to go." Some big jock type whose name I can't remember nudges my shoulder as we walk through the middle of campus. He's trying to get me to go to a party at his frat house tonight.

I've been back in school for almost two weeks now, and I've already made friends.

Yay me.

"Nah, I don't think so. I'm not really into parties," I tell him truthfully, but I say it with that practiced big bright smile that makes it seem like I don't want to jump off a damn cliff.

And okay, I don't actually. Don't worry. But honestly, deep down inside, everything hurts. I can't stop thinking about Ronan. Wondering if he's okay. If he's as miserable as I am. Annie says he's actually much worse, but I don't think that's true.

If it were, he'd have sat outside my apartment and begged me to take him back, like I've contemplated doing almost every single night since we ended things between us.

Or he ended things.

I was prepared to figure this all out. I feel like we could have, but there's something holding him back. Something that's been holding him back from day one with me, and of course, I know what that is.

He can't lose his job. He loves his job. But I don't know. I think it's more than that. I think he loves me too, but he's afraid.

"Aw, man. Are you sure?" He really wants me to go to this party, but it's not happening. Still, I'm not going to crush the guy.

"We'll see. I gotta get going though. I'm starving and have another class in an hour."

We do some weird bro hug thing, and then I dart off, not wanting to waste any more time with this guy. And although I am actually starving, I don't really want to eat. I don't really want to do anything.

I make my way to my apartment. But when I get to the door, I realize it's not locked, even though it was when I went to class. My shoulder sag, and I huff as I push open the door, not at all surprised to see Blair sitting at the counter.

"Still breaking and entering," I say with absolutely no emotion and close the door behind me.

She climbs off the stool, walking over to me with a coffee in one hand and a brown paper bag in the other. I can smell my favorite sub in the bag, and although my stomach growls, there's no joy in it.

"Mickey's. Thank you," I manage, but instead of handing the bag and coffee over, she places them on the counter and then wraps her arms around me.

"Sweetheart."

"I'm okay," I barely choke out around a sob because I'm so not okay.

"No. You aren't," she says instantly and then pulls back, moving her hands to cup my face, and then I realize she's wiping tears from under my eyes. "You didn't get excited about a meatball sub. Something is very, very wrong."

She's also tearing up, but she manages a smile, which makes me smile too, even with tears falling. "He ended it."

She's still holding my face. "Oh, honey. I'm so sorry." She releases my face, but only to wrap her arms around me once again and hold me tight. I don't push her away. I let her hold onto me. I let her comfort me because I'm just so damn tired. I'm exhausted from pretending I'm okay.

I'm not okay.

I'm miserable and sad, and I miss him so damn much, it hurts me every single day. I wanted him. I wanted to work it out, and he pushed me away.

We move over to the couch, and she doesn't bother grabbing the food. Just wraps her arm around me and lets me lean on her shoulder—which probably looks ridiculous, given our sizes, but she doesn't seem bothered, and neither am I.

"He can't lose his job." I can't tell her too much, but I don't think Ronan would mind a little more information going to Blair. Not that I'll ever see him again anyway. "He's like me, Blair. And Rhett and Bree. He needs his job because he never had anything that was his before."

She takes in the information, and I know she knows exactly what I'm saying. "Well, okay. But haven't you two been keeping it a secret? Why would he lose his job if you do that?"

Because I'm an idiot.My throat aches so bad with the pain of the truth that it's hard to speak, but I make myself. "We got caught. Well, sort of. The dean sort of walked in on us kissing in a classroom."

I can feel her amusement, even though I'm not looking at her, and thankfully, she chooses not to tease me about that. "So, he got fired?"

"No," I say as I shake my head. "I told the dean it was all me. That I kissed Ronan for helping me find my next class."

She does let a soft laugh escape this time, but it's very small and brief. "I'm sorry, honey. But wow, he really thinks you're easy, huh? Just giving kisses for directions."

"Mom," I say with a warning.

She clears her throat. "Sorry. Okay." She lets out a rapid breath. "Not funny. Okay, so the dean believed you?"

"He did," I say, but it didn't matter. "It scared the hell out of Ronan though. He ended things, and it's stupid, I shouldn't be upset. I knew it wouldn't last. He told me that when we first started this thing, and I don't know what the hell I was thinking."

"I do," Blair says it with so much confidence, I actually sit up so I can look at her face as she speaks. "You were thinking he'd change his mind."

"I..." I start, wanting to argue with that because I wasn't trying to manipulate him or anything, but I guess I was hoping he'd maybe change his mind after we spent time together.

"Of course you were," she says matter-of-factly. "And it worked too. I saw the way he looked at you. He fell just as hard as you did. He's just a stubborn shithead."

I smile at that, but it fades. "He's not in love with me, Blair. He let me go. He told me he couldn't do it. He never said he loves me."

Of course I didn't tell him I'm so desperately in love with him either. But that's really not the point.

"Oh, honey," she says softly as she shakes her head. "I think you're more like me than I ever realized." I'm not so sure about that, but I don't argue with her. "You know I love Rhys more than life, right?"

I nod my head slowly. "Yes." I drag out the word because I'm not really sure where the hell she's going with this.

"Well, he didn't make it easy. I knew I loved him. That we were supposed to be together, but he didn't know how to be loved, Fletcher. He'd been through so much agony in his life. He'd been so abused. So put down." I nod my head solemnly because it's no secret that Rhys's life was hell in foster care too.

He doesn't really talk about what happened to him then, but we all know it was bad. That he can barely stand to be touched, even to this day, and that he's quiet most of the time. But he loves Blair. And he loves us.

That's never been a question, at least not to us.

"He fought me the whole way, and I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. But sometimes, when you have to survive your whole life with never depending on anyone else, love is too hard to believe. It's too hard to let in.

"But I was willing to. It's scary for me too, Blair."

She places a reassuring hand on my cheek. "I know. Believe me, I know. But still, Fletcher, after everything you went through, you have this uncanny ability to let love in. You did with Bree. You did with Rhett. And then, you did with Rhys and me."

"You're my family."

"We are." She smiles. "But it's not so easy for some people to let others in. To give away that sort of control over your life, it's hard. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It means he's scared, and maybe you're going to have to push a little."

I shake my head. "I don't want to force him to love me." I laugh humorlessly because the notion is insane. You can't make someone love you.

"Oh no, you can't force someone who doesn't love you to love you. But he does love you. He's scared. And I imagine his job is important to him. I'm guessing he was in foster care too?"

I nod. "But no one saved him," I croak. "He had to do it all on his own. No one came for him."

"Then you save him from himself, Fletcher." Her tone is firm and surprises me.

"I can't."

"Yes, you can." She doesn't back down. "This whole narrative where we must be strong and only take care of ourselves. Never rely on anyone." She waves her hand in a dismissive way. "It's all bullshit. We are supposed to lean on other humans. We're supposed to get love from others. It doesn't make you weak to need love, Fletcher. Love makes you stronger."

"I don't feel very strong right now," I admit.

"You're one of the strongest people I know, Fletcher. You should have been an angry, mean, horrible little man." My eyes widen a little at that because is that what she wanted me to be? She goes on, "But you weren't. Not ever. Not even when you were bruised from another human being's hands—from someone who was supposed to take care of you—not when everyone and the system let you down over and over. No. You were still sweet. Still kind. Still caring. That's strength, Fletcher. When you get beat down over and over again, but you still find it in you to be kind and brighten other people's day. That's the most beautiful kind of strong."

I wipe at my leaking eyes. "You knew my smile was an act?"

She hugs me to her again, wrapping her arms around me as best she can. "Oh, honey, of course. We all knew that. But it doesn't make you fake. You always wanted to be happy. Circumstances just didn't allow it."

"I was really happy with him, Blair."

"I know," she says and hugs me close to her, kissing the top of my head. "What can I do to make it better?"

I smile sadly at that. "I don't think you can this time."

"That simply can't be true," she says, and I laugh because I can feel she's in fix-it mode already.

"Please let it go."

She lets out a soft, watery laugh and kisses my head again. "You're my kid, and you're hurting. That's simply not possible, kiddo."

I can't help smiling into her hold because if anyone could fix it, it'd be Blair.

I just hope she doesn't resort to blackmail and threats.

That would be kind of embarrassing, and I'm pretty sure Ronan is a little afraid of her already.

I mean, we're all a little afraid of Blair.

She's just the right amount of crazy.

Still, I really don't think even Blair can fix this for me. He doesn't want me enough to make it work.

I really need to let it go. Try to find some joy without him. I could probably do it.

Maybe.

Okay.

Maybe not.