31. Ronan

I'm watching the door again.

I can't seem to stop that habit. I know Fletcher isn't going to walk through the door of my classroom. That after last week, I have effectively totally pushed him away. That I likely won't see him again for a while, and if I do, it will be a fleeting moment.

I didn't want to hurt him.

I'd convinced myself that I wouldn't, but as I held him in my home while we both cried as we said goodbye, I knew I was a fool. That I had ended up hurting us both with my stupid decisions.

I knew better, and for the first time in a really long damn time, I ignored all my instincts. And now look at where we are. When someone does walk through the door of my classroom, it's not Fletcher. It's Annie, and she's looking at me with so much damn pity, it makes me want to throw up.

But I can't really garner the energy to tell her to quit it. "What?"

"Jesus," she says, probably surprised by my rude greeting, but again, I can't seem to find the energy for basic manners. "You look like shit."

"Wow." I glare at her. "You really came here to tell me that? Thanks so damn much." I didn't tell her or Nathan what happened. I haven't talked about anything really with anyone since Fletcher left my house almost a week ago. Since I let him go. I couldn't bring myself to talk about it.

It makes it far too real.

But I know it's real, and I know Annie is right—I do look like shit. I feel like shit. I've barely managed to get myself up, showered, and dressed this last week. I'm pretty sure I forgot to eat today, and I even forgot coffee.

It doesn't really matter. Nothing really matters. It feels like I'm missing an entire part of myself. And how the hell did I get here? I promised myself I'd never ever rely on another human for my happiness. That I wasn't going to be one of those pathetic people who needs another human to feel whole.

And now, here I am. Just looking like shit in my classroom, waiting for the next class to start over and over again until I die. Dramatic? Yes. True? Also yes.

"I'm a really good friend. That's why I'm here." She sits down in one of the desks in the lecture hall in the front row. "Fletcher looks great."

My gaze shoots to hers. "He does?" I mean, he's young. Of course he bounced back. I might have too if I was still eighteen.

"Yup. Handsome and smiley as ever. Flirts with everyone in my class—not in a sexual way—but in that charming way he has about him. Pretty sure at least half my students are totally in love with him."

I absently rub over my heart as it beats painfully in my chest. "That's good."

"No. It's not."

"What?" I ask her exasperatedly. "What do you mean it's not good?"

"It's all bullshit, Ronan. He's back to that fake as hell fuckboy act, and I hate it. I don't know what happened between you two, but I know that something happened. The boy is miserable, and so are you."

Her words sting, hitting me straight in the heart. Fletcher has gone back to his crutch of putting on that bright and shiny act, where no one takes him seriously. And it's because of me. "The dean caught us last week."

Her eyes go huge. "Oh my God. Were you fucking?"

"Annie," I scold. "No. Of course not. It was just a kiss. A brief kiss, but it was in here, and it was beyond stupid."

"But you still have your job," she says it almost like a question.

"Fletcher took the fall." I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it. Why did I let him do that? "He told the dean that it was all him. That he kissed me and it wouldn't happen again."

Annie seems to take this information in, listening quietly. "Okay. So what's the problem? Sounds to me like you're home free."

I scoff loudly at that. "Are you insane? We aren't home free. We were caught, and it could have been so much worse."

"But it wasn't."

"But it could have been," I argue. "We got careless. I could have been fired. And I swear I've seen McKay around here more and more. He's watching me."

"So quit."

I stare at her in shock. There's no way she just said that to me. "Are you crazy? I'm not giving up my job."

"You're not happy," she points out the obvious.

No. But I have a job. I'm safe.

"I'm sure you could find another job, Ronan." Oh yeah, I'm sure after they find out I fuck students, colleges will be flocking to me with the job offers. This would ruin me.

"It's not an option, Annie."

"You're really just going to let him go?" She stands up from the desk now and makes her way to where I'm sitting. "You're going to give up your real chance of happiness for a job. Because that's all this is, Ronan. You may like economics, and you may even love teaching, but at the end of the day, it's just a job. It's a place. A place that will have no problem replacing you if you left tomorrow."

"It's not just a job though." My throat is raw as I look up at her and beg her to understand. "I promised myself I'd never be that sad kid ever again. That I'd work my ass off, and I'd get my house. I'd get safety and security and it would all be okay because it wouldn't be up to anyone else but me."

She places a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it gently. "Ronan, I know. Believe me, I know. You are one of the most impressive humans I've ever met. I know how hard you worked to get here, and I know how important it is to you. But I promise you, you can have it all. You just have to let yourself try."

"I did try." I look away from her and toward the door, but no one is there. "It blew up in my face. I hurt him. I hurt me. I almost lost my job. How exactly can I have it all? You tell me."

She just sighs softly and squeezes my shoulder again. "I don't want this for you. I want to see you happy. He makes you happy."

I look down at my desk now, hanging my head. "Please just drop it."

My voice is quiet and not stern. I'm begging her because I'm not strong enough for this. I can't talk about it. I don't want to think about it.

"Okay, Ronan."

She takes pity on me, and all I can think is, Thank God.

But it doesn't matter if she talks about Fletcher or not.

He's the only thing on my mind.