30. Fletcher

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

How the hell could I be so damn stupid?

I should have forced myself to wait until after school to see him again. I woke up in his arms this morning, for Christ's sake. I had breakfast with him. I could have gone a couple of more hours.

But noooooo. I had to stop by for a damn kiss on the way to class. And of fucking course, the dean of the entire college just happens to stop by and watch me kiss one of his professors like a damn idiot.

This is bad.

I know it's bad. I couldn't focus all damn day. I wanted so badly to go to Ronan. Beg him to tell me it would all be okay, but thankfully, my smarts actually won out on this one, and I didn't go near his office.

The good news is the dean seemed to buy my dumbass explanation. He didn't seem to be wise to anything going on, and since Ronan isn't home yet, I'm assuming he wasn't fired.

But the wait and the anticipation are killing me as I sit out on his front porch, my legs bouncing with nerves.

I can't lose him. I waited all last night for him to tell me it was over, but it never happened. When Bree, Grayson, and Rhett left, his mouth was on me in an instant. We went back to my bedroom where we made love in my bed, and then he held me all night long until the alarm went off.

It's going to be okay. We're going to figure it out.

I try to keep telling myself that as I watch Ronan pull up in his Lexus, turning his car off and walking up to the front porch, his expression grim. I try not to read too much into it, and I don't say a word until he lets us both into his home and closes the door behind us.

"I'm so sorry, Ron-" My words are cut off by his mouth on mine. Oh, thank God. Relief rushes through me as I cling to him and kiss him back with all I have. It's going to be okay.

He grips my shoulders, and I think he's going to lead me back to his bedroom, but instead he's moving me back, our mouths and bodies separating. "Fletcher."

No.I can hear the pain in his voice. No. "Ronan, I am so damn sorry. It will never ever happen again. I won't step foot in your office or your classroom ever again. Okay? I promise." I barely recognize my own voice, but I don't care. I'm as shaky and desperate as I sound. "I feel so awful. I promised you it would be okay. That we wouldn't get caught, and then I did something so damn stupid. And I'm so damn sorry."

"It's okay, Fletcher." But it's not. I can tell by his tone. Nothing is okay.

"Nothing even happened. I mean, Dean McKay just thinks I'm a nutjob who kissed a professor for helping me out with directions. Like, it's fine." I'm not sure who the hell I'm trying to convince.

"It could have been really bad though. We were caught, whether the dean realized what he was walking in on or not, Fletcher. We were caught."

"No." I shake my head as he releases me from his hold and takes a step away from me. The foot between us may as well be a mile. "I'm so sorry, Ronan."

"I know you are, baby." My heart pings at the endearment. Shatters right then and there. He looks like he wants to come closer to me, but he's staying where he is. The veins in his neck are popped out like it's taking everything he has to stay still. "I am too."

I shake my head, silently pleading for this all to just be a bad dream. I can't lose him. Never in a million years did I see this coming. I wasn't looking for love at all, but I sure as hell found it.

"We knew it had to end sometime." His voice is strained. There's no conviction in his words.

"No," I say again, the only word I can seem to get out.

"This was just a reminder that we needed to end it, Fletcher. It was a push to do the right thing and end it before anyone gets really hurt."

I'm hurt. I'm aching. I can't stand the pain going through me right now as I look at him and see that his eyes are wet. The tears haven't fallen, but they're there. He doesn't want this to end either.

But he's still pushing me away. "We can..." I try, but I have no actual plan.

"We can't," he says as he steps closer to me now, and I nearly weep when he wraps his strong arms around me. "I can't."

And I know he can't. I know it pains him to let me go, but at the end of the day, it's his career that means the most to him. It's his safety and his security. Having this roof over his head.

This is what he needs. And I nearly made him lose it.

I let him hold me. Because I know exactly what this is. This is goodbye. His voice rasps in my ear as a single tear falls from my eye and runs down my cheek. "If I could give it up for anyone, it would be you."

I know exactly what this is, and I don't let him go as another tear falls.

"Fletcher, I just can't." And then I feel a tear that isn't my own hit my shoulder, and I close my eyes tight, trying to make my way through the pain.

Nothing has ever been this painful in my life though. Not my parents failing me. Not knowing that I was on my own. Not the hunger or the neglect or the abuse as I went from house to house where I never fit in. Not the cruel words and empty promises.

None of it sliced through me like this moment.

Because I let myself fall in love with him, despite him telling me from the very beginning it would need to end. I fell anyway, and I fell hard.

"We can figure this out," I plead.

"I'm sorry, Fletcher. I'm so damn sorry," is his reply just as he presses a kiss to my temple, and then he does what I was so afraid he was going to do last night. What I feared all summer long.

He lets me go.