Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Kate stood close to her father as the couples danced in front of them both, swirling and gliding around the dance floor like birds about to take flight. At first, Kate thought the hammering of her heartbeat was from nervousness overcoming her because she had not been this close to music and dancing in what felt like a very long time. But soon, that changed. Quickly, she recognized that what she actually felt all funny inside about was a yearning to dance herself. She had missed it, that thrill of feeling like a swan gliding beautifully on water with another person.

Of course her gown was designed for dancing as well. Kate knew that it would look lovely on the dance floor, flowing outwards with every spin, cascading around her feet as she moved. The very idea made it challenging to keep herself still.

"Is it your leg?" her father asked her nervously as he spotted her fidgeting. "Would you like me to call a carriage?"

Kate bit down on her bottom lip and shook her head. If she was going to be honest, then perhaps it was aching a little, but the last thing she wanted to do was leave the ball. She had not even had the chance to speak with William yet. The night would feel meaningless without that encounter.

She had caught sight of him a few times, but he had never been close enough for them to chat. She had not come all this way and fought all this pain merely to see him across a room.

"I am fine," she reassured her father. "I'm simply enjoying watching everyone have a lovely time. This is such a wonderfully decorated ball."

"Yes," her father replied with a slight downturn of his mouth into a frown. He did not look like he was buying Kate's excuse at all. He knew her well enough to know that she would prefer to be in the center of everything. "It is well decorated."

A thick knot of emotion lodged in Kate's throat as she remembered the last time she had been asked to dance by the Marquess of Fairbridge, back when she was giddy and in love, with the whole world at her feet. A tear pricked in her eye because now she knew for certain that she would never be that naive young girl again, head over heels and endlessly happy. A small part of her wished that she could go back to that moment, simply to experience that emotion once more, and another part of her knew that if she could return there, all she would do was warn herself of what was to come, so she could be prepared.

Even if she could not have avoided the accident, she could have been more prepared for the shock that came after.

Douglas must have always been a terrible, heartless person to be able to walk away from her without looking back. Even if Kate could understand his reasoning because the accident had crippled her, she was finally able to admit he had been the wrong man for her and be glad to discover that before they married. What would have happened if the accident had occurred after their wedding? Would Douglas have requested a divorce from Parliament and ruined her even more? He had destroyed her already, but that would have been utterly unbearable. She would have been forced out of London, never to return to the city she called home.

Yes, losing Douglas might have shattered her heart, but Kate now believed that it was for the best in the long run. After seeing him on Bond Street recently, she had confirmed to herself that she was not to mourn him anymore because he was never the person she'd fantasized about him to be. He was a dream, and the reality of him had never truly entered her brain.

He had done her a favor. In fact, he would have done her more of a favor had he never courted her in the first place. She would have been a much happier person had he never come into her life. If she did not even know of his existence...

"How are you, my lovely sister?" Jonathan asked her with a smile as he approached from the left. He certainly seemed far more cheered up than before. Kate shook her head ever so slightly, pushing Douglas from her mind. She did not wish to be thinking of him here, of all places. How dare that man come into her mind now while she was thoroughly enjoying herself? "I was wondering if I could request the honor of dancing with you?"

He bowed and held out his hand, acting like a gentleman. Kate tittered.

"Of course you may." She took his hand gratefully. It might not have been a dance with the man she really wanted to share the floor with, but she was happy to be able to have some fun. "Thank you, Jonathan. That means much to me."

She smiled brightly as they walked into the middle of the crowd on the floor and started dancing with her brother. Jonathan was very graceful. Every step was more perfect than the last, which made Kate pay close attention to every movement she made also. This was a very different experience to the last time she had danced, but better. It had to be better because it was not with a man who was going to do whatever he could to make her unhappy.

"Are you enjoying yourself tonight?" Jonathan asked kindly. Kate wondered if he had realized just how rude he had been before and how upset she had been. It appeared to Kate that he wanted to make things right. Well, if that was the case, then she was happy to make peace. She did not need any bad blood between her and Jonathan.

He did always have her best interests at heart, even if he did not always show it in the right way. He simply needed to start seeing her as an adult woman who could very much take care of herself.

"I am enjoying myself very much," she agreed. "The Earl of Embleton knows how to throw a good party."

Jonathan bit his lip and nodded, seemingly resisting everything that he wanted to say. If he had a problem with William, at long last, he was willing to keep it inside, for which Kate was truly grateful.

"There are a lot of guests," he replied instead, trying to change the subject. "I am surprised that I have not seen you on the dance floor earlier on."

Kate shot him a warning look. "I do not think anyone wants to ask the cripple to dance."

Jonathan's expression darkened. Kate felt the intensity of his anger on her behalf. "Well, then perhaps they do not deserve to dance with you."

Kate felt for her brother. She did not wish what had happened to her to have such a negative impact on him also. "I am sure that now people have seen me dancing with you, that might change. They will now know that I can dance, which is bound to make a difference."

"Hmm, yes, I do hope that you are right. Although I am not so sure that I will allow any of them to dance with you now."

Kate laughed. "You do not need to be quite so overprotective, you know."

"Oh, I absolutely do. That is the role of the big brother, after all."

It was nice to laugh, and as Jonathan spun Kate around and she caught her father smiling at her, she was happy to give everyone that little bit of relief from worrying about her.

She did enough worrying about herself.

By the time the first set came to an end, Kate was a little tired, and her leg had begun to hurt. But Jonathan made it obvious that he was keen to dance a second set, probably to prove to the other ball attendees that she was quite fine, so Kate grinned and bore it. She knew that once it was over, she would be back on the sidelines, wishing that she could be in the middle of the action once more.

Much as she tried to reassure her brother that other gentleman might like to dance with her, she was not entirely convinced by it. Although there was one who might...

The second dance was a mistake, though. Much as Kate had fun, her leg began to throb, and she needed to sit down. None of her walks in the garden could really have prepared her for the intensity of a dance. But she had to suffer in silence because if she made any kind of fuss, her family would make her leave the ball, which she still desperately did not want. She tried to hide her limp as much as she could as she walked over to the chairs to finally rest. Her father came over to her.

"Is everything all right?" he asked with concern. Kate wondered why her family could not see that she was growing tired of that question. "You look like you might be struggling. Would you like to leave?"

"I am quite fine, thank you very much." Kate attempted to keep her tone steady so her true feelings would not shine through. "I just need a rest, that is all. I might even be ready to have another dance later on, should someone ask me."

Her father looked at her doubtfully, but Kate continued to smile until he stopped. As her face fell, she started to look around the room, to see the fun everyone else was having. Immediately, she found herself drawn to Tristan and Emily as they laughed at something William said. Her doctor, Tristan Andrews, had made her promise that she would use her walking cane so she would not overexert herself. She hoped that he would not see her sitting here now or he could convince her father that it was time to go home.

"Actually, I think I might take a walk around," Kate declared to her father. "Speak with some friends. I have seen some of the girls dancing who I know from school and have not seen in a while. It would be lovely for me to catch up with them."

She knew that her father did not want to spend the whole night sitting with her, but wanted to be with her mother and enjoying the party, so this would give him the freedom to do so. Plus, if Kate was walking around and slowly exercising her leg, it might relieve some of the pain and assist her in escaping from the eyes of the doctor. She did not wish him to tell her off.

"Well, if you are sure," her father responded with a nod. "Come and find me if you need me. I will not go far. Please, let me know as soon as you wish to go home. I have strict instructions from your mother."

"I will. I know she is concerned, but she has no reason to be."

"You know as well as I do, that will not change a thing."

Kate nodded and started her walk with slow and deliberate movements. She had no destination in mind, but she had to act like she did for her father's sake. She could feel him watching her as she moved, checking on her the whole time. She could not breathe easily until she was out of his line of vision and able to relax.

Soon, Kate found herself even more lucky. She found an open door which led out to the manor's lavish rose garden. She could not immediately see anyone else outside which meant she had the whole garden to herself. She could have peace and quiet, a moment to endure her pain all by herself without anyone worrying about her and wanting to take her home.

Admittedly, if this was the party of anyone else, then Kate would have already taken her family up on that offer. But this party belonged to the man who had been on her mind ever since she first met him. She could not leave yet. She had not spent a long time getting herself into this beautiful dress only to fail to speak to the host on a more personal level.

The sight of a sweet little bench in the corner of the garden filled Kate with a sense of delight. Now she had somewhere to sit under the glorious stars and where she could have time to breathe. She moved to the bench as fast as she could manage without making the pain in her leg any worse and tucked her dress underneath herself before she perched on its edge. Kate could breathe easier here, without anyone looking at her, wanting to know how her leg was. The more other people thought about her injury, the more she was forced to focus on it as well.

With a deep breath, Kate tilted her head upwards and caught a glimpse of the constellations. The moon was full and bright, glowing a lovely white color and casting a beautiful glow over the garden. The roses looked like they belonged in the pages of a fairy tale. If Kate could stay here for the rest of the night, she would be happy. Much as she had missed dancing, it seemed that her body was not quite ready to spend the whole night moving to the music. That was all right; Kate would not get too upset by that. She was simply pleased that she had managed to dance as much as she had. It had been fun and allowed her to rebuild that bridge with Jonathan.

She smiled to herself, thinking of how kind it had been of Jonathan to pick her for a dance. He did not have to; Kate was sure that there were plenty of other ladies he would have preferred to spend time dancing with, but he chose her.

Kate was disturbed by the sound of other people joining her in the garden, a couple sneaking off to steal a kiss. She smiled to herself as she leaned back into the shadows to hide away from the prying eyes of other people. They were so caught up in their own love and desire to be with one another that they did not appear to even notice the girl in the emerald dress looking at the stars.

For a moment, Kate's heart skipped a beat as she remembered the times when the Marquess of Fairbridge wanted to do the same thing with her. Sneak off from the crowds of people to steal a kiss. Back then, Kate thought herself in a fairy tale of love. But her pulse was no longer racing with memories of Douglas; instead, her heart ached for the gentleman inside the manor who she wished would come to her and find her. Kate wanted yet another love story for herself, but not one so grand and overwhelming as before. Not one that was all for show, for the benefit of other people.

She wanted William all to herself, outside, where no one could judge them as they shared conversation. She wished to see his smile, to hear his laugh, to have him tell her all about his life so she could finally make a judgment on who she thought he was, not who everyone else—mainly her brother—wanted her to believe.

If only that were possible, it would make this wonderful evening complete. But alas, perhaps she was stuck in the shadows with her throbbing leg, while William was needed indoors to host his party. No doubt a swarm of ladies are vying to dance with him, Kate thought wistfully. Even my beautiful dress cannot compensate for my injury.

Still, she could not wallow, she would not wallow. That was not what she had come here to do. She wanted to appreciate all the wonder around herself instead. All the beauty that she had come out here to see.

The ball was incredible, she still would not have wanted to be anywhere else in the world. Everyone looked wonderful, but Kate was lucky enough to have on one of the most beautiful dresses in attendance, if she did say so herself. The music was lovely on the ears, the dancing had been a great deal of fun, and now even out here she had a lot to appreciate.

She might not have been a part of that couple, sneaking off for an illicit kiss underneath the stars, which she would have very much enjoyed. But on the other hand, she was not the wife of a cruel and unfeeling man. She did not have a lifetime of misery ahead of her. Kate did not have to suffer each and every day as the fairy tale romance that she had built up inside of her mind vanished and dissipated, becoming nothing more than a terrible, unhappy monotony with a man that she could not get rid of however hard she tried.

She would have been trapped in a cage, with no way to prize the bars apart. To think there were people really stuck in that sort of terrible situation...it sent a shudder down her spine.

Kate could recall a time, not long after the carriage collision, when she was locked away in her bedchambers when Nancy told her to try and find the color in even the grayest skies. Kate had paid no attention then, she had not wished to hear it, but now, at long last, she was starting to see what her maid meant.

There was always something positive to look out for even during the times when it did not feel like it. Even in the gloomiest of hours, there was something nice coming. Patience was key, a person simply had to pause until that nice thing found them.

And Kate's nice thing was being here, waiting for a few moments until the inflammation in her leg cooled so she could head back inside the ball to see William.

She still wished to speak with him, to maybe even dance with him, and to wish him a happy birthday. That she simply could not wait for.