Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Kate's stomach was in knots. Tight coiling knots that twisted and twirled around the closer the carriage got to Piccadilly Street in central London. Everything that she had said to herself, in an attempt to convince herself that everything would be fine, vanished from her mind completely, leaving her empty of absolutely everything but ice-cold, all-consuming fear.

She thought getting into the carriage was going to be her biggest issue. She assumed that the journey would be the worst thing, but the closer Kate got to members of society, the quicker she realized that the travel was the easy part.

Facing the ton was going to be so much worse.

She was shuddering, shivering with the terror, yet she could not find the words to beg her brother to turn this carriage around, to take her back home. She wished to close her eyes and open them to find her body back in her bedchamber. Every shake and jolt of the carriage made her catch her breath and hold it. Her ears strained to catch the rhythm of the horse's hooves. Her hand flew to her mouth to stifle a cry when other carriages passed them close by.

Yet her main fear was them. The people out there were ready to jump upon the gossip that she was back out in public after her sheer humiliation, daring to show her face once more ever since she lost the Duke of Fairbridge, and all with a humiliating limp as well.

She should have stayed home. Her bedchambers never made her feel all exposed like this.

"We have almost arrived," Jonathan whispered quietly to his sister. Yet his reassuring words were not able to calm her. This was the most terrifying situation she had ever found herself in, the most exposed she had ever felt, and she had not even stepped out of the carriage yet to face the stares and whispers. "You are going to be fine. I shall be here with you always. Plus, you must remember that you have nothing to be ashamed of."

She wanted to take his words to heart, wished that she could believe him, but there was no chance. Jonathan had been away from the haute ton for a while now, and he likely could not recall how intrusive people could be. He had never been on the wrong end of gossip himself, so he would not be able to sympathize. He had been out of the city for long enough not to hold onto concern about all eyes upon him, but Kate felt all that pressure within herself.

"The Egyptian Hall will be wonderful." Jonathan continued to try to convince her. "I have heard that the art work on display there is some of the most beautiful in the world. I cannot wait to show you..."

But as the carriage finally pulled to a halt, Kate could no longer hear him. The only sounds she was aware of were her thundering heart and her ragged breaths. Her body had almost gone into shock, and she was not sure if she could move. Unfortunately, Jonathan seemed utterly oblivious to her panic.

In fact, he stepped out of the carriage with ease and motioned for Kate to follow him. He held out his hand for her to take, barely even acknowledging that she could not make herself do that much. Once she took Jonathan's hand, the day would begin, and there would be no getting out of this situation. She would have to do all the things that her brother had planned.

You must, she told herself firmly. You cannot shy away in this carriage all day long. That should be worse.

However, she could not convince even herself.

At this point, there was no hiding away from the gossip. She quickly ascertained that she would be talked about more, sitting where she was, not even giving life a go. Plus, the last thing that she wanted to do was upset her brother. So, even though she was totally uncertain about what would happen when she did so, she reached out and let her brother hand her out.

The air on Piccadilly Street was thick and hard to breathe. The daylight was almost too much for Kate to handle. Thankfully, the carriage had parked directly outside of the Egyptian Hall, so she did not have to suffer it for long. Nor did she have to walk very far. Her brother assisted her part of the way, but through fear of drawing more attention to her than she wanted, she attempted most of the walking alone. At least as much of it as she could. She hobbled and winced in pain but managed more than she ever could have believed she would. The doctor would have been proud to see her.

I shall tell you all about this, Doctor Andrews, she thought determinedly to herself. You will see that I have tried...

"You are doing very well," he had reassured her at the end of the dinner party. However, by that point in time, Kate had not wanted to hear it. She did not want anyone to say a thing to her. The pain had turned her blood into burning hot waterfalls, and all she wanted to do was escape to bed. "But you must keep it up. Continue to push yourself. Push yourself further."

Well, if this was not pushing herself further then Kate had no idea what would qualify. This might as well have been her taking herself to the ends of the earth.

But even if she paid for it dearly, she was going to make sure the good doctor knew that she had given it her all...

The Egyptian Hall was everything that Jonathan had promised Kate it would be. She did love looking around, and the pieces of artwork were truly incredible. It was something she might well have thoroughly enjoyed had it not been for the stares of the other guests. Kate felt like she was on display herself, just another art piece to be criticized and watched. Talked about and judged. She might as well have pinned herself to the wall to let the other guests stare to their hearts' content.

People were not even trying to hide their obvious interest in Kate; the whispers were not even disguised, yet Jonathan did not seem to notice. He was oblivious, completely lost in the wonders on display around them. Yet, of course, he was not the one who needed to worry, was he? It would not be him talked about in the gossip sheets the following day. Or even if he was mentioned, he would be the hero of the story: Poor Lady Katherine, chaperoned by her brother, spent the morning admiring artworks at the Egyptian Hall. Kate could visualize it now, and it chilled her to the very core.

Oh, they would all think that Jonathan was wonderful, wouldn't they? For allowing himself to be seen with his utterly pathetic sister. For bravely getting her out there in the world.

Urgh, it sickened her to her stomach. And to think there was a time in her life where she wanted to be talked about. She could not imagine anything worse now. Even if Kate was in a happy place in her life with all the things she did not dare dream of anymore, she would not wish to be discussed.

Her business was her own and that was the way she always wished for it to stay.

All of this was only made worse by the throbbing in her leg. Yet she did not feel like she could pause and relax it for a moment. Not with everyone around waiting for her to mess up, waiting for her to show some kind of heartbreak to add to their intrigue. No doubt they were all still hoping that she was distraught over losing her engagement to Douglas, so her taking a seat and looking even remotely sad would likely be attributed to him.

He had nothing to do with it anymore. She was simply glad that he had gone.

Well, perhaps that was not the whole truth. She still felt like she deserved to know why he dropped her with such ease, and from his own mouth as well, not her assumptions.

Perhaps she did cry a lot about him as well, but it was more the situation she found herself in and not him as a person...

Anyway, she would not be sitting sadly thinking of him, even if that was what others might assume. For that reason alone, she would have to persevere however much trouble her leg caused her. It was the only way.

Thank goodness Douglas was not here. She had not even considered that he might be visiting this display as well. That would have been the one thing to send her spiraling backward under her thick black cloud. Even Jonathan might not have been able to comfort her.

***

Kate was absolutely exhausted. The weariness was almost worse than the pain in her body. Staying inside her home, where her bedchamber was always within reach, meant she had not noticed how weary she was all the time. But the Egyptian Hall had more than taken it out of her. She had not walked through it all, but she could barely keep her eyes open.

With every fiber inside her being trying to keep her going, it had taken more out of her than she ever thought possible. She was almost at the point where she could not keep it up. But as it turned out, she did not have much choice.

Yet Jonathan still wanted to visit Gunter's. He was incredibly keen on sharing fruit ices with Kate like they had done often when they were children, and she simply did not have the heart to disagree. Since she would likely not be visiting the center of London for a very long time after this nightmare, she thought it best to do everything while she was already here.

Jonathan had tried his best to improve her mood; she could not fault him for that, only that he had been totally oblivious to the endless stares coming her way, so she owed him the nicest afternoon possible. She wanted him to have positive memories of their time together.

"I shall place an order," Jonathan said warmly as soon as he and Kate were inside. "I already know your favorite."

She smiled thinly, resting in the chair, hoping for some relief. Unfortunately, Kate had pushed herself a little too far today, so even taking a seat did nothing to calm the inflammation, the heat, the throbbing. At least she was in the corner of the room, so she could hide herself a little, but truth be told, she was done with the outing and could not wait until she was back home. For a woman who was once very sociable, who enjoyed the sights of London, who relished having eyes on her, this was shocking. Knowing how far she had fallen pained her. But she knew that she would never return to being that woman again; she would always be this shell of her former self. Tragic.

She could not even bring herself to give more than a cursory glance around Gunter's to see who else was in attendance. Once she had determined that Douglas was not one of them, she focused her attention on her feet, hoping and praying that no one would try to greet her.

Kate was not sure she could manage politeness for anyone today.

"Here we are." Jonathan was glowing as he took a seat opposite Kate. "Just as wonderful as I remember. The taste of these ices never lessens. I do miss Gunter's, almost as much as I miss the family..."

He continued on in his oblivious way, discussing his business in the Far East and how good it felt for him to be back in London because he had missed it more than he imagined. Thankfully, he did not seem to expect any answers from Kate because she did not have the strength to give them. She could just about muster up a nod every now and again. This did not trouble her brother. He was happy to fill in the silences, proud to have his sister out in public once more.

Finally, they were done with their fruit ices, and it was time to return home. Kate could hardly wait. The second she spotted the carriage awaiting outside, she pushed herself out of her seat and hobbled toward the door. She barely had any strength left and wanted to get inside the carriage before anything else could happen.

Oh my! Every step grew harder than the last one, her body more sluggish and tired. What is happening to me?

Not here...not now...please, let me escape...

All of a sudden, a sharp, agonizing pain bolted through her leg, one that snatched the air right out of her lungs. It was no longer a dull ache but a bubbling burning heat that caused her to gasp loudly. She expected her brother to step in, to hold her up to make sure that she did not fall, just as he had been doing all day long. She had not realized that in her hurry, she had left Jonathan behind paying for the ices. He was still back at the table and completely unable to reach her. Once she recognized that she was by herself, Kate thought that forgoing the walking cane was the worst idea she had ever had. She should have swallowed her pride and carried it. It would have allowed her to take more steps than she had done today. She would have had something to lean on to stop her from falling.

But she had nothing. There was not a thing within her reach that she could grab onto. She had lost her footing and was about to tumble to the ground. In front of everyone. She had not glanced around to check, but she was certain that everyone still held far too much interest in her. She could not escape that with ease, and now...

Now, they would have even more to write about in the gossip sheets. Kate could not, or did not, want to imagine how dreadfully humiliating the captions would be about her now. She would never allow herself to be seen again.