Chapter Nine

CHAPTER NINE

LUCA

My ass is sore.

And not from the stick Leigh and my friends assume is perpetually stuck there.

Why Enzo thought it was a good idea to ride horses…in the snow…for thirty minutes, just to have brisket and beer with a view of the mountains Jack wanted to visit (solely because they were on the can of his favorite light beer) I’m not sure. We might all be ex-pro athletes who have stayed decently in shape, but I’m fairly certain nothing could have prepared our bodies for this.

I shift in the saddle, trying to hide my discomfort.

Holt chuckles from atop his horse as he slides up next to me.

“I take it I’m not the only one who will be utilizing that hot tub tonight.”

“And every night from now till New Year,” I mutter. “You know Jack would love this shit and is probably laughing hysterically at us right now.”

“No doubt.” Holt huffs, his voice weighted with the sadness we all feel every year we do this without our friend. It’s both heartbreaking and refreshing and not something I would trade for anything in the world.

“How are you holding up?”

I side-eye Holt, brow raised. “Can I assume you’re not talking about my ass in this saddle?”

He jerks his head in the direction of the sleigh, gliding along the wide snow-laden trail to our left, and I follow his gaze.

Zach is giggling in his mother’s lap, pointing at the horses pulling the carriage. Leigh has her head tipped back, laughing at something the ranch hand steering the sleigh said.

If I had known they were going to send the Captain America of cowboys, I wouldn’t have asked Leigh to join us. Or at the very least, I would have opted to ride in the sleigh with them. Instead, I had the brilliant idea to ride this damn horse to impress Zach. Now I’m learning the hard way almost two-year-olds don’t give a shit about things like that. There’s also the realization that as much as I don’t like Leigh flirting with my friends, I really don’t like her flirting with random strangers on romantic sleigh rides.

“I’m not going to ask again.” Holt adds, “You didn’t give us much to go on last night, but anyone with eyes can see you’re spiraling. I’m just not sure if it’s towards something good or bad.”

It’s such a Holt response. Never pushing too hard or fighting for answers. He’s a firm believer in if you want to, you will.

“Is there a good spiral?” I ask, which earns me a pointed glare.

He’s not wrong. I feel like I’m a spinning top, bouncing off every wall in sight, waiting for gravity to stop me and make sense of the emotions swirling in my chest.

Last night I was too angry to give them more than the basics: Leigh and I were old acquaintances who fucked in a hotel vending machine room and may or may not have a child together. I left out the part where I ruined her life as a teenager, but they know that story and put two and two together, thanks to Enzo. Thankfully, they got the hint I didn’t want to talk and didn’t pry further. And I didn’t give them the opportunity this morning. Mostly because I’m still trying to reconcile how I was okay with her not telling me about Zach as long as I got to be a part of his life, but now that I might not be his father, I’m ready to rage.

Then there’s the fact that the sight of Leigh, with her cute freckles, blonde curls, and leggings that have no business being so damn tight, makes me harder than a fucking rock at the most inopportune moments.

Like now.

But there’s no way I’m admitting that to Holt. He’d never let me live it down that I—Bash’s playboy wingman—is hard at the mere sight of a woman.

The rest, though, he might understand.

I shift in my saddle and exhale deep from my lungs. “I thought I knew what I wanted. Now I’m not sure if it’s possible.”

“But you want her?”

As if it’s that simple.

“No. Yes.” I hesitate, trying to pinpoint exactly what it is I want, even though I know damn well what sparked a fire in my soul. I glance from the trail ahead over at Holt, my lips in a solemn line. “I want a family.”

If he’s shocked, his face doesn’t reveal it. The damn stoic bastard. If he isn’t raging, he’s practically the Dalai Lama. It’s unnerving.

Not that I expect him to be caught off guard. I might not have explicitly shared my want of a family, but the guys know how much I cherish what we have. They are my brothers as much as my twin is.

But it’s not the same.

There is something about the idea of family, one that is entirely mine and of my making. They can be everything I never had. And I can give them everything I’ve always wanted. Because that’s the thing about having your heart broken by the people who are supposed to always stand by your side. You learn what you won’t settle for and create the life you deserve.

I deserve to know my son.

I deserve a partner who will stand by my side.

Just like Zach deserves to have two parents who love him and remind him every fucking day he is the center of their world.

Holt's lips give a slight purse and gently tugs on the reins to slow down, creating more room between us and the sleigh. “That’s what you really want?”

“I didn’t know until the opportunity was thrust into my lap, but yeah,” I admit, tugging on my own reins to keep pace with him.

“Have you told Leigh?”

I wince. “Not exactly.”

I’m pretty sure she would be on the first flight out of here if she was aware of all the things I want with her.

“And you haven’t apologized yet.”

“No.” The word is strained through gritted teeth, the weight of exactly how ass backwards I’ve handled the situation heavy on my chest. “I wasn’t expecting there to be a chance Zach wasn’t mine.”

“Ahhh.” Holt nods, all the pieces clicking together. “You got ahead of yourself again.”

“All in, all the time,” I say with a grin, but it’s a cover for all the times my impulsive nature has bitten me in the ass.

Holt laughs. “We really need to get you to stop sticking your giant ass foot in your mouth.”

“Don’t I know it?” I huff, disheartened. “I just feel like I got a taste of what I could have and then she ripped it away from me. And now I’m having to learn to live with the fact it might not have ever been mine. I want it to be mine.” With each statement, my voice grows louder and Holt glances toward the sleigh to make sure we aren’t being overheard, but I don’t care. I keep going. “How the hell could she do that to me? She’s known where I am. Hell, I saw her this past summer, and she said nothing. We could’ve been a family. I could’ve?—”

Fuck.

My nose and throat burn as I choke on my words. This was not supposed to be a cathartic breakdown in the middle of the woods, but I think Holt knew I needed it. Especially if I’m going to spend the day playing nice with Leigh.

“And you still want to be a family?”

“Yes,” I answer without a second thought. “If Zach is mine, I want to be a part of his life.”

“What about Leigh?”

I consider his question, glancing at the blonde from the corner of my eye.

Do I want Leigh?

Sexually? Yes. Always. I wasn’t kidding when I said she gives the best head I’ve ever received. She’s also got this commanding side that makes my dick hard. I’ve never wanted to explore that with someone, but with her—the things I’d let her do to me are endless.

But beyond that, do I want Leigh?

What do I really know about her?

When she was young, she was feisty but brought sunshine into every room she entered.There wasn’t a trace of the walls she’s erected to keep people out.

Now she’s the CFO of Renegade Hearts and has done amazing things there. She’s smart. Loyal.And she can clearly keep up with Bash and Holt, so she’s got that going for her. Most importantly, she puts Zach first and is an incredible mom.

This is all assuming we can go five minutes without finding a reason to tear each other apart.

Not that I don’t find that incredibly endearing, because I do.

But is that enough to want forever with her?

I know the answer, but admitting it out loud is not something I’m prepared to do. Not when I’m already struggling to protect my heart. Leigh could absolutely be it for me. Mine in every way, shape and form. And the way I’m okay with that scares the shit out of me. Because for every thought of us being a family, there’s one where she doesn’t forgive me, and I’m forced to sit by and watch Zach live a life with parents who can’t coexist.

So I shrug nonchalantly and grin. “I mean, I could do worse.”

“Luca,” Holt deadpans, making it clear I’m not getting out of this with my charming wit or dignity intact.

“Fine,” I grunt. “Possibly.”

It’s not the answer he’s looking for, but it’s not a lie.

“So what are you going to do about it?”

“That’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it?”

Going into the weekend, I was so sure I had the perfect plan. Now—not so much.

Holt presses his lips together, a signature move he does when he’s trying to figure out how to let you down easy. “You aren’t going to like what I’m about to say.”

And there it is.

“If you tell me you’ll fight me for her, I’ll knock you off that horse and make it look like an accident when you break your neck.”

Holt tips his head back and laughs. It’s loud enough that Zach and Leigh turn around to see what the commotion is. She arches a brow but goes back to talking to Brad or Chad, or whatever the pretty cowboy said his name was.

“Maybe if she was my type, but we both know that’s not the case.”

No, Holt might not discriminate against the sexes when it comes to people in his bed, but he tends to like them without a single thought between their ears. The last guy he kept around for more than a few weeks thought they painted the yellow down lines on the football field between each play.

“What I was going to say is she’s one of the good ones.”

I snort and fist the reins in frustration. “You’d know better than me. It’s not like we did a lot of talking the last time she spent more than five minutes in my presence.”

“Your asshole is showing,” he says, rolling his eyes.

He’s right. It’s a deflection. I know she’s exactly the kind of woman I’d share the rest of my life with. It’s true that I don’t know who she is now, but I can’t believe she’s fundamentally a different person. The problem is, if I’m not Zach’s father, it might be a moot point because she still hates me.

Aside from Enzo, Holt probably knows me better than any of the guys in the group.

“All I’m saying is don’t let it or your past blind you to what’s right in front of you.”

“Next thing you know, you’re going to be speaking ass backwards like Yoda.”

“There is no try, only do.”

I grab the rolled blanket behind my saddle and chuck it at him. For a moment, I regret it, considering we’re on horses and I’m pretty sure it’s not advisable to spook them. Thankfully, Holt catches it and neither of the horses seems bothered by my antics. They keep following the sleigh like it’s their only job in the world.

We make the rest of the ride in silence, and I get lost in replaying every interaction with Leigh since she arrived.

It’s short-lived because as we round the next bend in the trail, the forest gives way to an open meadow nestled at the foot of a range of mountains. In the center is a cabin with white smoke billowing from the chimney. It’s like something straight out of a fairytale.

But that’s not what snags my attention.

It’s the smile on the gorgeous blonde in the sleigh and the single tear dripping down her face.

It’s the twinkle in Zach’s eyes as he watches Bash and Enzo gallop ahead with our guide.

It’s a feeling I can’t explain. But somehow, I know this is where I’m supposed to be.

And it’s right then I realize just how fucking screwed I am.

Because it’s not just a possibility of wanting this with Leigh.

It’s an absolute.

Now I just have to convince her to give me a chance to prove I can be everything Zach needs.

And hopefully something she needs too.