24. Briar

Briar's palms were sweating.He wiped his hands on his shorts and then used them to block the intense sunlight blinding him when he climbed out of Derek's truck.He'd intentionally dressed down with a plain t-shirt and a pair of battered Hey Dudes, but he'd forgotten his sunglasses on the dash of his Jeep.

He'd never seen the reservoir during the day.It was bigger than he'd expected, a vast man-made lake of rippling gray waves.The two docks on opposite sides of the lake were packed with middle-aged fisherman.A rolling, grassy knoll stretched out from the water, dotted by lawn chairs and colorful picnic blankets.The scene was something out of a Norman Rockwell painting.Families gathered around a horseshoe pit, and a group of teenagers played volleyball on the grass.Children laughed as they splashed behind the buoys of the swimming area, far from the fishing competition.Elderly couples sat in folding chairs, lines cast into the water, hands clasped as they basked in the sun.

"Do you think I'm going to blend in?" Briar joked, clenching out a grin that he hoped was more blinding than the sun.

"Not a chance." Derek removed his own sunglasses and slipped them onto Briar's nose.He leaned in close and dropped a quick kiss on the edge of Briar's ear lobe before whispering, "You'll always stand out.But that's exactly what I love about you."

Briar's heart fluttered with warmth.He knew there was a difference between loving a quality and loving the man himself, but with Derek's voice low and reassuring in his ear, it was hard to remember the distinction.

Briar took a deep breath, grounding himself with the fragrant blend of barbeque and fresh water.He adjusted the sunglasses now shielding his eyes.They felt like a barrier, armor against the curious glances of the crowd.

Derek opened the back of the truck and released Sabbath.She barked and raced away, flinging grass and churning up dirt beneath her paws, but she cut it short as soon as Derek called her back.She sat obediently beside Derek's thigh, tongue lolling, and he gave her a rewarding pat.

"Let's find you a spot," Derek suggested, scanning the perimeter of the lake for an area that offered both a view and some privacy.He led the way to a partially secluded patch of grass near the trees, far enough to prevent eavesdropping.

"Since Nate isn't here, see if you can find some folks you know to kill some time.I'll meet up with my family and then come get you when it's time to eat."

"Inviting a buddy to eat won't look strange," Briar said, tongue in cheek.

"It's all about timing," Derek agreed wryly.He looked at Briar closely, as if sensing he wasn't as comfortable as he pretended.He opened his mouth to say something, but just then, a sonic-boom level squeal erupted from the make-shift stage.

"Agh,"Briar cried, clapping a palm over one ear and rubbing.

Derek grimaced and stepped back."I better go help James."

Briar shooed him off with a smile.He didn't cling, no matter how strong the impulse.It wasn't Derek's fault that Briar couldn't assimilate.No matter how kind the locals were, he still felt like an outsider.But that wasn't unusual. Deep down, he'd always felt like an outsider.He was beginning to think he wasn't destined for things like family or a place to belong, even if it was all he"d ever wanted.He could live in Sweetwater, but he wasn"t sure he"d ever truly be a part of it.

He soaked up the sunshine until his ass went numb, then he put Sabbath on a leash and explored the events.He wandered, alone, nibbling samples of homemade goodies and casting longing glances toward the stage where Derek was holding up a beam for James to attack with a power drill.

Derek looked so handsome in his worn-out jeans and simple t-shirt, but sweat was trickling down his temples and sticking his shirt to his back.If life had been different, Briar would have brought him a snow cone to cool down, but he didn"t want to risk approaching before he was invited.

Maybe Nate was right. Maybe Briar had just switched one kind of bad boy for another.Derek was a beautiful secret, but he kept their relationship trapped in a fragile bubble that Briar was terrified to burst.He was afraid to define it, afraid to label it, afraid to bring Derek a drink on a hot day.Afraid to do anything that might drive Derek away.

Afraid.

Briar was so, so afraid.

By late afternoon, he was hot and sunburned and miserable.He sat on the blanket Derek had assigned him, picking at dead grass and watching as Sabbath gleefully scrapped with a group of kids over a squeaky toy.

A shadow passed over him, momentarily blotting out the sun.He glanced up, half-expecting Derek, but was surprised to discover a woman observing him with a curious expression.She was tall and plain, dressed casually in a pair of ripped denim shorts and sandals.Her long brown hair was pulled back in a high ponytail, giving her a youthful look despite the lines at the corners of her eyes. It was her eyes that caught Briar's attention.Smiling eyes, not quite as green as Derek's but not brown like West's either.Briar remembered those eyes from the family photograph on top of Derek's dresser.

"Susan…?" he asked hesitantly.

Susan's smile widened. "So, you do know me."

Her expression was warm, but it held a sharpness—a probing, investigative edge that made Briar nervous.She plopped down on the blanket beside Briar without invitation.

"Briar, right? James told everyone he invited you.Why don't you come join us for a bit?We're about to fire up the grill, and God knows we made too much food."

"Oh." Briar glanced around, desperately searching for Derek, as if he could give him a clue through telepathy."I don't know…"

"Come on," she coaxed, waggling her eyebrows."You look like you love a good party. Nobody's as lively as us."

"Where'd you hear that?" Briar asked.

Susan threw her head back and laughed."Oh, honey. Once you move to a town like Sweetwater, you don't have any secrets."

"God, I hope that's not true," he blurted before he could catch himself.

Susan shrugged and grabbed him by the wrist, hauling him to his feet with a strength that reminded Briar wryly of her brother.He snatched up the blanket and whistled for Sabbath, following haplessly as Susan led him over to a large picnic area bustling with activity.

Children darted between adults like pinballs, and a couple toddlers were plopped on blankets beside a young woman who Briar supposed was James' wife.An older man with a cane hovered beside a smoky grill, arguing with anyone who tried to offer a bit of advice.

Briar didn't recognize all the men congregating around the meat, but Derek stood out even with his back turned.He towered over the other men. Every cell in Briar's body yearned for him to turn and offer some reassurance, but he might not have even existed for all the attention Derek paid.

"Everyone, this is Briar," Susan announced."He's the city transplant who's been helping Nate down at the clinic."

All activity seemed to pause—or maybe that was just Briar's paranoia.

Derek's mother, a frail-looking woman with sallow cheeks, wiped her hands on an apron and extended one hand.Her fingers were cool even in the heat, but not as cool as her tone when she said brusquely, "Nice to meet you, dear."

"Hey, bud," West greeted cheerfully, saluting him with a longneck bottle."Grab a beer and a plate."

"Where's your other half?" Briar asked gratefully.West had always been friendly during Briar"s vet calls at the ranch, and he"d gone out of his way to make conversation when they'd gone out for drinks.

West raised an eyebrow and gestured toward the lake."Who do you think is catching all the fish?" he asked."I would've helped, but I didn't want to embarrass him with my skills.Besides, someone's got to stick around here to make sure Dad and Derek don't kill each other."

"Don't be an ass, West," Derek said, startling them both.He hadn't appeared to be paying any attention, but now he reached behind West and fished two bottles from the cooler at his feet.He effortlessly cracked the tops on the edge of the grill and then passed one to Briar.

Briar reached for the bottle, but Derek didn't immediately release it, forcing him to meet his gaze.The look he gave him was intentional, quickly searching Briar's eyes to make sure he was okay.Briar tried to hang onto the moment, but something tugged on his shirt.

"Do you play soccer?" asked a little boy with popsicle smeared in his hair.He was the spitting image of a miniature James.

His innocent question popped the tension like a soap bubble, and Briar laughed.

"No," he admitted, "but I can try if you promise to take it easy on me."

For the rest of the afternoon, Briar stuck with the children as much as possible.Playing with them gave him a chance to observe the family without forcing any awkward conversation.He felt included but separate, like a wildlife photographer, afraid to get close.

The family was lively, and the bonds they shared were obviously deep and worn, but there was an underlying current of tension between them that kept Briar on edge.Derek's parents were spirited but visibly aged beyond their years.His father's hands trembled, and he wobbled on the uneven ground.Watching him made Briar nervous.He was terrified the old man would fall and break a hip, but he snapped at anyone who dared lend a hand.Mrs. Owens mostly showed her affection for her children by fretting loudly until they soothed her with over-the-top assurances.

The true patriarch of the family was Derek.He was the locus of all activity.He didn't say much, and he didn't seem to enjoy playing with the children, but they buzzed around him like fireflies, vying for his attention.Everyone seemed to actively seek out Derek's approval for even the most trivial of matters.They roped him into every decision, from bringing down extra coolers to how long mayonnaise could sit in the sun.He was both pack-mule and problem-solver, and as the sun began to cool and evening approached, Briar couldn't help but notice how tired he looked.His temper got shorter, his words got sharper, and his siblings began to give him a wide berth.

"It happens every time," Susan said, coming up behind Briar and handing him a plate full of grilled fish and macaroni salad."He never really enjoys himself at family dinners."

"Maybe if he got a chance to sit down," Briar suggested, forking up his first bite of flaky white fish and hoping she hadn't noticed his sarcasm.

Susan smiled wryly. "You'd think, right?But he wouldn't sit down even if he had the chance.He's wired to solve problems."

Briar nodded his understanding."He's really good at it."

"He is," Susan agreed, flashing Briar an approving look."In another life, he'd be off curing cancer and launching rockets into space.Instead, he's stuck fixing my van for the hundredth time."

Derek, who had been giving every impression of ignoring their existence, glanced up from all the way across the picnic area and barked, "The van broke down again?"

"Not exactly," Susan hedged. "It's just making a clunking noise that Ian can't figure out."

"I haven't had time!" protested her husband, a slightly flabby looking man in a trucker cap who hadn't gotten out of his camp chair the entire afternoon.The look Derek gave him was scathing.

"You shouldn't be driving that shit bucket," Derek told his sister fiercely."Either let me rebuild the engine or take one of the cars I've got for sale."

"We don't need your charity," Ian blustered.

"It's fine, really," Susan interrupted, and then she physically stepped between the two men to cut their line of sight.Like stepping between dogs at the dog park, Briar thought with grim amusement."It's probably just me being paranoid.I'll let Ian take another crack at it first."

"Like hell," Derek snarled, and held out his hand."Give me the keys."

"Mind your own business, Derek." Ian had finally gathered enough steam to propel himself out of his chair.He was a few inches shorter and a few pounds heavier than Derek, but he didn't appear intimidated.He cracked his neck and thrust out his chin aggressively, saying, "Why don't you spend a little more time worrying about your own…projects."

The look he shot Briar wasn't mean-spirited, exactly, but it felt like he"d been marked for death.Susan gasped and gave her husband a sharp jab in the ribs.

"Hush!" Derek's mother had been relaxing at the picnic table beside West.She'd barely left her youngest son's side all afternoon, devoting all her time and attention to doting on him, but now she sat up straight.Her face was pinched and distressed."That's enough, Ian. Derek, stop provoking him.We don't air our dirty laundry in public, especially not in front of strangers."

She didn't look at Briar—no one did.They didn't single him out in any way.Derek's jaw clenched visibly.It seemed to be taking all his strength to not even glance in Briar"s direction.

It reminded Briar of the nightmares he used to have when he was a kid.He'd wake up alone in a new foster home, in a bed that didn't smell like his, and he'd studiously avoid looking at all the lumpy shadows that might be hiding monsters around the room.

Because looking made it real, and Derek didn't want him to be real.Not really. He wanted to keep Briar a private fantasy that bumped up against his real life but never intruded.

Briar exhaled slowly. He set his plate down and stood, carefully brushing imaginary crumbs from his shorts to keep his hands busy.Then he squared his shoulders and plastered on his most dazzling grin.

"That's okay, Mrs. Owens," he said brightly."I didn't mean to intrude on a private conversation.I'm going to go explore before it gets dark."

Derek's mother wasn't unkind.She had the grace to look regretful, but she didn't apologize or offer for him to stay."That's for the best, dear. You wouldn't want to get mixed up with us.It's never anything but drama around here."

"Don't let us scare you off," West protested."We're always like this."

West shot his brother an intense look, but Derek only shoved his hands in his pockets and looked away.Briar had never seen him so reluctant to step in before.He understood—he did—but it still hurt.

"It's fine, really," Briar insisted, though his face felt like it might crack with his pasted-on smile."I appreciate you inviting me over, but I needed to find someone to give me a lift back to town, anyway.I can"t impose on Derek"s hospitality anymore."

Derek met his eyes. A muscle flexed in his jaw, like he was chewing on something he wanted to say but couldn't.No words came out, and the silence grew more awkward.

Sabbath tried to follow him when he left.Briar shooed her away, but she ignored him, frolicking at his heels without a care in the world.Derek called her back with an angry-sounding command.The puppy slunk over to her true master, tail drooping, bewildered at what she had done wrong.

Briar understood how she felt.Derek had never lied to him. He'd never pretended he had any intention of coming out.He'd even done his best to include Briar within the boundaries he'd set.Briar was used to being an outsider; he just hadn't expected it to sting so badly this time.

As he wandered toward the lake, a band started up on the stage down by the waterfront.Briar had expected covers of the country songs he heard blaring from every open car window around town, but to his surprise,the cooling breeze carried the bluesy strains of a bass guitar across the water.

The sun was low and heavy, flushing the rippling waves with a sparkling, rose-gold hue.Briar paused at the water's edge to appreciate the view.A few hardcore old men still fished from the docks, but the contests had closed a long time ago.Far on the other bank, families still played in the shallows. Children shrieked and splashed with delight.Lucky kids. A heavy lump lodged in his throat as he basked in their carefree joy.He didn't think he'd ever felt joy like that, but he'd gotten awfully good at faking it.

Decisively, he stripped off his shirt and waded into the water.It was colder than he'd expected, stinging his thighs and lifting goosebumps all over his body.He ignored the discomfort, taking a deep breath and plunging beneath the surface.The chill washed over him, sharp enough to blank out the hot static in his head.

He swam out far enough that the laughter and noise of the crowds faded to nothing but a distant murmur, and then he just…drifted.All on his own, perfectly himself, even if no one was around to appreciate it.

It was almost dark when he slowly made his way back to shore, feeling weary rather than refreshed. The sky was such a bright, blazing red that the forest surrounding the reservoir looked black bycomparison.The fading coals of barbeque pits dotted the knoll, sending up wisps of fragrantsmoke.But Briar barely noticed any ofthat.

He only had eyes for the dark figure of a man waiting for him onshore.