10. Zane

TEN

ZANE

T here are times in my life where I’ve felt out of control. It mostly happened after moving to New York and losing Evangeline. Knowing what I know now, I find myself questioning everything from that year, and it makes me feel incredibly uneasy.

When I returned to the inn after my late-night excursion, Caryn was out cold. Instead of getting into bed with her, I stayed on the couch. In the morning, she didn’t seem fazed by it one bit and said she had the best night’s sleep.

Ouch. What a shot to my ego. I’m sure she didn’t mean it the way it sounded.

After breakfast, we lounge in the sitting room. While I read the newspaper, which is such a novelty since I’m usually on my phone, Caryn’s fingers are flying over her keyboard, likely texting one of her friends or her mother.

“What do you want to do today?” I ask her.

“I’d like to go shopping. ”

Thankfully, the newspaper hides my eye roll. “Okay, there are a few boutiques in town.”

“Chanel is having a sale,” she says. “Where’s the nearest store?”

“Fifth Avenue,” I say without missing a beat.

“Seriously?”

I set the paper down and reach for her hand. “Small town, remember. There’s a mall, but it’s in Albany. Actually, a town called Colonie. Do you want to go there?”

“Ms. Caryn,” Leslie the innkeeper knocks on the door as she comes into the room. “Sorry to interrupt but I overheard you. We’re driving over for Albany today if you’d like to come with us.”

I fully expect Caryn to say no, but she readily agrees.

“That would be lovely!”

My eyes go wide at her statement. She smiles, as if saying yes is something she does often. As soon as Leslie leaves, I lean forward and touch her forehead with the back of my hand. Caryn laughs and bats my hand away.

“Stop it.”

“I can’t help it. I think my fiancée has the flu or someone had taken over her mind.”

“It’ll be fun.” Caryn shrugs.

I pick up my phone and type out a text to her. “This is the address of the Inn. If you get bored or want to come back, call for a car. I think an Uber can bring you here. But please remember, this is a mall. It’s not Fifth Avenue. I think their designer store is Macy’s. ”

“I like Macy’s,” she says with a shrug.

I’m doubtful, but she deserves the benefit of the doubt. “When did you get chummy with Leslie?”

Another shrug. “We chatted over tea. She’s rather nice.”

“What’s her last name?”

Caryn’s eyes widen and then turn to slits. “You think you’re a funny guy, don’t you?”

I nod, popping my eyebrow. “What is it?”

“Grace.”

“I’m impressed.”

Caryn laughs and throws her napkin at me. She stands, comes to me, and presses her lips to mine. “Go visit your dad today.”

“I will.” I pull onto my lap and hold her. While I believe I, or even we, needed this trip, it’s messing up my feelings. “I love you.”

Caryn peers into my eyes. “I love you too.”

“Have fun today. Call me if you need anything.”

She laughs. “Don’t you mean, call my dad?”

Ouch, another shot to my ego. Before I can say anything to defend myself, she’s off my lap and gone. I tell myself she doesn’t mean to hurt my feelings. Her parents raised her to depend on her dad for everything. Still, her words sting, and are a stark reminder I’ll never be able to financially support her. Unless I take over her father’s company, and considering her dad isn’t retiring anytime soon, I guess things will always be like this.

After Caryn and Leslie leave, I head to my dad’s store. By the time I get to Main Street, it’s bustling with activity. Last night’s snowfall has sparked some magic, and people are out being jolly.

I find a parking spot a block away and walk toward the store, stopping and talking to people who recognize me. I give them the quick and dirty—living the life in the big city, home for the holidays—type stuff. Some ask about Caryn, having heard about her from my dad, and I promise to introduce her to everyone at the tree lighting ceremony this coming Friday.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” I tell them all. Except, when I think about the last one I went to my insides twist. I’d been to so many over my years living in Deer Ridge, but that very last one sticks out in my mind. It’s when I told Evangeline about the internship.

Imagine if you hadn’t?

No, I can’t go there. Nothing good comes from playing that game.

Outside the store, a young man peddles the stockpile of Christmas trees. He sees me and smiles.

“Hey, I’m Jake. You must be Zane.”

“I am.” We shake hands.

“Cool. I work for Reindeer Ridge and am filling in, helping your dad out. He’s inside with Evangeline.”

“She’s here?”

That shouldn’t have been my response.

Glancing at the door, I steady myself for what I’m about to walk in. Last night, being in her place, stirred dormant feelings inside of me. I know better than to go in, but I’ve never been able to resist her.

The chime above the door sounds as I open it. I used to hate the sound because it meant I have to work. But now, I like it. It brings back a lot of fond memories. Christmas music plays from the overhead speaker and people shop the small aisles. I find my dad and Eve at the lone cashier stand. Both look surprised to see me.

“You’re just in time,” Evangeline says to me.

“For what?”

“To convince your dad to accept the town’s nomination to be this year’s grand marshal for the tree lighting ceremony.”

“Dad! This is amazing. How come you’re not saying yes.”

“That’s a lot of people to stand in front of. Give a speech to, and pressing the button to turn on the lights seems stressful. What if I push the button and nothing happens.”

“Mr. Whitaker,” Eve says to him, “you know very well we’ve never had any mishaps.”

“Well, there was that one year, when Dino Morelli pushed the button, and nothing happened.”

“Dad, technology has come a long way since Dino Morelli was grand marshal. Besides, he was like ninety something and wasn’t strong enough. You’re strong.”

“Exactly what Zane says,” Eve adds. “Mr. Whitaker?—”

My dad sighs loudly and I imagine Eve rolling her eyes.

“Bernie, the people of Deer Ridge love you. They voted for you to have this honor.”

“And I’ll be there with you the entire time,” I assure him.

“Me too. I’ll be there. ”

“See, Dad. We’ve got your back.”

I look at Eve with hope in my eyes. This would be great for my dad and well deserved. He’s been a pillar of the community for as long as I’ve been alive. He loves Deer Ridge and Evangeline is right; the people here love him as well.

Dad looks from Eve to me. Back and forth. His brain must be spinning and knowing him, he’s imagining the world crumbling around him the minute he steps up to the podium. Unfortunately, no amount of encouragement will ease his mind. He either wants to accept the honor or pass it up. I don’t know how often the town tries to give the honor to someone who declines the opportunity, so this might be his only chance.

“Okay,” Dad says with a grin. “I’ll be happy to light the tree on Friday.”

“Yes!” Evangeline’s hands go into the air in celebration. “Mr. Whitaker, you have made me very happy. I’m so very honored to give this to you.” From the bag slung over her shoulder, she pulls out a box and hands it to my dad.

He opens it and then pushes his thumbs into his eyes. “Thanks,” he says, croaking out the simple word.

I step closer and look into the box, taking the carved Christmas tree out of the cardboard. Out loud, I read:

Bernard Whitaker

Grand Marshal

Tree Lighting Festival

Deer Ridge, Vermon t

“You didn’t have to do this, Evangeline.”

She sets her hand on my dad’s arm. “I didn’t. The people of Deer Ridge nominated and voted for you. It was unanimous, Bernie. And honestly, long overdue.”

“Thank you,” he says as he fights back tears.

I, too, struggle to keep mine at bay.

“I’ll be by later with your itinerary, and it seems more trees,” she says as she looks at her phone.

As soon as she says “more trees” I remember I was supposed to go to the farm this morning. Son of a nutcracker. “Do you need my help?”

“No, I’ve got it.” Eve quickly replies as she leaves us. I hand my dad his plaque and tell him I’ll be right back. “Evangeline, wait up.” She slows but continues to walk as she looks over her shoulder. I follow her outside and find Jake chatting with Santa.

“Ho, Ho, Ho,” he says, holding his belly. “Have you been a good boy this year, Zane Whitaker?”

His question makes me pause. Up until I arrived back in Deer Ridge, I would say I have been good. But good boys or good men, even, don’t go to their ex’s house in the middle of the night. Even though nothing happened, it’s still not right and I need to tell Caryn where I was. We can’t start the next stage of our life with secrets like this.

Ignoring Santa, I catch up with Evangeline. “I’m sorry I didn’t go to the farm this morning. I know I said I’d cover for you.”

“It’s fine, Zane. My dad hadn’t even been outside when I arrived at nine.”

“Really? That’s unlike him. ”

“Yes, and no. The setup is done and unless someone is there first thing to buy a tree, what’s the point of going out in the cold?” Her eyebrow raises and that’s when it hits me.

“Ah, so you were going to let me go there and stand out in the cold?”

She shrugs.

“Is this payback?”

“For what?”

“For what I did.”

Evangeline shrugs. “Maybe. In some odd way, I thought it was. I don’t know. Had you gone, my dad would’ve come out and put you to work. But you didn’t show. . .”

You didn’t show.

My hand covers my face. “Eve, I’m sorry. I went back to the Inn and crashed on the couch.”

“It’s fine.” She waves her hand, dismissing my apology. “Look, I need to get to work.” She rounds the front of her truck. I happen to glance in the back and see it’s full of trees.

“Where ya heading?”

“Out toward Arlington.”

“Can I tag along?”

She looks at me for a second and shakes her head. “No. You need to stay here, help your dad. My dad will be by with more trees later today.” Evangeline walks closer to me. “Last night was a mistake, Zane. I should’ve never invited you in. What we had—it’s in the past. There’s nothing for me to forgive. We both made mistakes. We move on. You have. I need to. ”

Evangeline gives me one last glance and then heads for the driver’s side of her truck. I stand there, watching as she drives away and wishing I could say or do something. She’s right though. I have moved on.

Back in the store, I put a Whitaker’s General Store smock on and start cleaning and straightening the shelves. Way back in the day, this was my job and while I used to hate it, I was good at it.

Dad and I went to Evergreen’s for lunch, and got our food to go. We stand at our counter, eat, and talk about the weather, and help customers when they come in. By early evening, the store is quiet, and Jake has gone home after another successful day of selling.

The door opens and high heels clank against the old tile floor. Caryn walks around the corner in her stiletto boots, skirt, and fur coat. I’m thankful my dad is in the back. He hasn’t brought her up once today.

“Hey, babe,” she says as soon as she sees me but stops walking. “What on earth are you wearing?”

I look down at my smock. It used to be dark blue but has faded over the years. “Keeps my clothes clean.”

“From what?”

“From the dust. I cleaned today.”

“Why?” Her nose scrunches in disgust.

“Because that’s what you do in a store.”

“Oh, well. Go back to the Inn and shower. We have dinner plans.”

“Where are we going?”

“Albany. I spoke to Serena earlier. She’s on the train, heading in. There’s a W there. We’re going to meet her for drinks. I figured we might as well move our stuff there anyway, especially since she’ll be there for a week.”

No, no, no.

I look “I don’t want to leave my dad, Caryn. He’s the whole reason we came to town.”

“But I’m bored and there’s nothing to do here.”

“You knew this before you even agreed to come.”

“Yes, and now I’ve been here, I want to leave.”

I take a deep breath and take her hand in mine. “I love you, babe. You go to Albany, do whatever with Serena. But please be back on Friday. My dad is getting this huge honor, and I’d really like for you to be there.”

Caryn pouts for the briefest of seconds. “Okay, love you.” She says and then she’s out the door without even a kiss goodbye.

I stand there until my dad’s voice sounds. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” I say with a hint of a sigh. “Just thought I could mix my current life with my old one.”

“Not going so well?”

“Not even close.”