9. Evangeline

NINE

EVANGELINE

I nviting Zane into my home in the middle of the night is going to go down in history as one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Yet, here I am, in my flannel pajamas, with my hair in a bun, holding the door open for him because I’m a sucker for heartache. He doesn’t love me and hasn’t for a long time. Much longer than I stopped loving him or told myself I didn’t.

When he steps into the hallway of my private entrance, his cologne surrounds me. I use the excuse of having to close the door to center myself. He doesn’t need to see the anguish on my face and thankfully, he can’t hear how loudly my heart thumps. The last time we were this close, we stood on the Amtrak platform and said goodbye to each other. If I knew that was the last time I was going to see him . . . well, I don’t know what I would’ve done.

Begged him to stay.

“My place is up the stairs,” I tell him after he’s taken his coat off and hung it on the peg. He slips his boots off, as well. Earlier, when I saw him, he had them tied, which Vermonters laugh about. No one ties their boots unless they’re going hiking, or there’s snow all over them. Now, they’re loose, like he used to wear them.

I follow him upstairs, needing to be behind him for self-conscious reasons. His fiancée is gorgeous, skinny, and impeccably dressed, although not for Vermont. She’s even perfect when her backside is covered in mud. Even her makeup stayed flawless despite her tears. I don’t need to remind Zane of the extra padding I’ve always had on my hips.

“Holy—”

“Night,” I interrupt him before he can use the non-Christmas euphemism.

“Yeah, something like that,” Zane says as he steps into my living room. “This place is amazing. Did you do this?”

“No, the previous owner did it. I bought it after the renovations were complete. It’s convenient because I can live and work in the same place.”

I watch Zane as he takes in my living space. The black walls accent the exposed beams and bricks. Of course, the Christmas decorations give the room a lot more life.

“I remember when this place was a conference room and had a storage area. The firemen had their beds over there, in the corner. Do you remember when we used to jump on them?” Zane asks me.

“Yes, I do. I remember my grandfather used to get so angry with us because he thought we were up here destroying things.”

“Do you remember sliding down the pole?”

I motion for Zane to follow me toward the back but keep him away from my bedroom. I point to the brass pole sticking up through the floor.

“Is it still usable?”

“Yes, but it’s not something I use ever.”

“If I’m being honest, I’m jealous. I’d slide down it every day to start my morning.”

I can’t help but laugh. “Maybe later,” I tell him. It’ll never happen because after tonight, I’m going to put some necessary distance between us. My heart can’t take this.

Zane continues to look around and walks toward my windows. “The view from here is amazing.”

“It is.” I move to the kitchen and put a kettle of water on the stove. “Hot chocolate?”

Zane turns. “Is it your family’s homemade recipe?”

I give him a deadpan look. “What else would it be?”

“I’d love some.”

He smiles and turns toward the window again. “How often do you sit here and stare out the window?”

“Daily. It’s my favorite part of this place, aside from my office being downstairs.”

“You love work that much?”

I laugh. “No, it’s just cheaper than renting two places.”

“Do you own this building?”

“I do. ”

The kettle whistles and I add the boiling water to the cup and follow the hot cocoa recipe my mom uses, then I add a scoop of marshmallow to Zane’s without thinking.

“Sorry,” I tell him as I hand him the mug. “I added marshmallows without thinking. I don’t even know if you still like them.”

Zane smiles brightly. “I can’t believe you remembered.”

“There isn’t much I’ve forgotten, despite my many attempts at trying to.”

He frowns and takes a sip, then goes back to looking out the window. “You can see my dad’s store from here.”

“Yeah.”

“He says you help him a lot.”

“I do.”

“How will I ever be able to thank you?”

“Stay.” The one word that could change everything is out of my mouth instantly. It’s the same word I should have said to him all those years ago on that platform in Albany.

Zane meets my gaze.

“Not for me but for your dad. I’ve seen a change in him since you arrived. He’s so happy you’re here.” I should’ve asked him to stay years ago. It was my mistake letting him leave. I thought I was doing the right thing.

“Can we sit and talk? Please Eve.”

I glance at the time on the digital clock sitting on the side table .

Zane sees where I’m focusing and looks, as well. “I’ll help at the farm tomorrow, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“It is, and while that’s very nice of you, I’m not sure my dad will be happy to see you.”

“I know. He made himself very clear today. But I need to make amends. Fix things.”

Finally, I nod and walk toward my U-shaped sectional. I take a corner and use my Christmas throw to warm my lap. Zane sits closer than I expect, making this much harder for me.

“Does Caryn know you’re here?”

Zane shakes his head. “Nah, and I’m not sure she’d care. She knows I went for a drive. We talked a little before I left. Actually, it’s why I left. There are some things she said which left me feeling a bit on edge.”

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in this situation. The man I was once madly in love with is talking to me about his fiancée. Something tells me this shouldn’t happen. I’m not the one he should confide in.

“I think, somehow . . .” Zane drifts off as looks toward the window again. “I had every intention of coming back.”

“But you didn’t.”

He nods. “I was on my way to the station when my boss, Mr. Bamford, called me into his office. He said there was a group of people I needed to meet. It was urgent, had to be done right away.”

“Was it urgent?”

“Looking back? No. They could’ve waited until Monday. ”

Lovely.

“Why’d you change your number?” He asks me, his eye intently focused on mine, as if he might be able to see the truth in there.

“I didn’t,” I tell him. “At least that wasn’t my intention. I broke my phone and because I was on your plan, I needed you to give the okay for the replacement.”

“Only I didn’t answer when you called.”

“No, you didn’t.”

Zane’s quiet for a long time. The only sound he emits is sniffling. I can’t take my eyes off him and while my heart shouldn’t break, it does when I see him wipe at his wet cheeks.

“I sent you money for the rent,” he says without looking at me. “At least that was my intention. I wrote the check, put it in an envelope and set it in my outgoing basket. I’m assuming since you moved you never got it?”

“Yeah, I never received it. If I had, I would’ve stayed, although leaving helped me move on a little from you. I loved the apartment we picked out together, but the memories were too much, even though you never spent a single night there. On my way to tell the landlord I needed to break the lease, he posted an advertisement for a studio on the ground floor. I explained the situation, and he allowed me to move.”

Zane lets out a strangled laugh. “So, what you’re saying is, if I waited a little longer that day, I would’ve run into you.”

“Probably.”

He holds his mug up. “Have anything stronger? ”

I go to the kitchen and return with a bottle of Baileys. Zane pours some into his mug and offers me the bottle, which I decline. He drinks it down in one gulp.

“I never meant to hurt you.”

“What’s done is in the past,” I tell him. “Now that you’ve visited, be present for your dad.”

“He doesn’t like Caryn.” Zane shrugs. “I didn’t expect him to. He still loves you though, and he told her as such.”

“I’m sorry. That’s not fair to Caryn. She seems like a very nice woman.”

“She is.” He smiles and a part of me hates him for it.

“What does she do for work?”

Zane chuckles. “Not a damn thing. Lives off her parents’ money.”

I expected him to say she worked in fashion, or they met at work. My mouth drops open at his admission, then closes, and Zane smirks.

“Her dad is my boss.” He stares at me for a long moment while those words process. “I don’t know what you’re thinking, but you’re smart and can probably figure things out.”

“I could speculate.”

Zane stands, walks to the kitchen, and fills the kettle with water. Every fiber of my being wants to go in there and tell him to sit down. He shouldn’t be comfortable here. We should be in our respective corners, ready to duke it out in a minute.

Instead, I stay rooted on the couch under my Christmas throw, watching him move around my space like he’s been here before. The lovestruck fool I was back in the day rejoices but the practical me screams. I should tell him to leave and not come back. Nothing good can come from him being here.

When he starts opening my cupboards, I stand and make my way into the space. “What are you doing here, Zane?”

He pauses, his hand on the knob of the open cabinet. He closes the door and turns slowly, resting against my counter. “I love Caryn.”

The admission is like a knife to my heart. “Great. Congratulations. I think you should go.”

“No, let me finish.” Zane takes a couple of steps toward me, only for me to take two steps back. He frowns and runs his hand through his hair. “I never told Caryn about you. Not because I didn’t want to, but because she never asked. We get here and pretty much the first thing out of my dad’s mouth is how my mom wanted me to marry you. Again, nothing from her, no reaction at all. She didn’t yell or scream, or demand we go home. Then I took her to the farm, and, to be honest, I have no idea why I did that. We were driving by, and it was like I was on autopilot.

“I didn’t think you were going to be there. I expected to find you married with a family, and I found out very quickly that you weren’t. Part of me was relieved and I shouldn’t feel like that, Eve.”

“Because you love Caryn.”

He nods. “After the farm, she was quiet on our way back to the Inn. I thought she was going to yell and scream at me for what happened. With you. She asked if we were here for you and asked if I still loved you. I told her I didn’t.”

And the hits keep on coming. I’m not sure how much more I can take. But instead, I mask my impression and say, “And that’s the truth.”

Zane catches my gaze. I have to look away, mostly out of fear that I’ll run to him. “I told her a part of me will always love you because you were my first everything. Caryn looks at relationships and love differently than you and I would. She’s used to people wanting to be with her to get to her family, or her dad setting her up with men to benefit his business.”

“How do you fall into this?”

Zane lets out a sigh. “None of it clicked until now, but I think Mr. Bamford saw something in me and put Caryn in my path. He put us together. Kept us together.”

“Why?” The question catches in my throat.

He shakes his head. “I don’t know, Ev. But he knew about you from the beginning and made sure I never had any time to return. And yet, I always had time to go to parties where his daughter was.”

“Well, it must’ve worked. You fell in love, and you asked her to marry you.” The last part feels like I’ve swallowed acid. I always thought we’d be the ones getting married.

“Eve,” he says my name softly. “What if I never fell out of love with you?”

His question sends my mind reeling. I hate the what if game .

What if this ?

What if that ?

I shake my head, putting my hand up in case he has any thoughts of coming near me. “You need to go,” I tell him. “Asking you to come in was a mistake. You’re engaged, and the only reason you’re second-guessing yourself is because of nostalgia. It’ll all pass when you go back to New York.”

Zane stares at me for a moment, emotion briefly flitting across his face, before he nods. He turns the burner off and steps toward me, but then thinks better of it and moves toward the stairs. I stay at the top until I hear the door shut, and then move to my window. As he exits onto the street, he stops and looks up. I expect him to wave, but he doesn’t.

Neither do I.