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Chapter 28

CHAPTERTWENTY-EIGHT

Ilona knowsI killed her mother now. It’s a secret I’ve hidden from her our whole lives, but I don’t even know if it’s true or not. I don’t know what to tell my best friend. Until I retrieve my true memories, I’m stuck in a weird limbo. It’s a guessing game about what’s real and what isn’t.

Without pausing to knock on Ilona’s door, I burst into her room.

As soon as I enter, she levels a glare at me from where she’s sitting on the bed with Marnie.

“You should really lock your door,” I say. “Goddess, I’ve missed you.”

Crossing over her white fluffy carpet, I open my arms to embrace her, but she shakes her head and scoots back on her bed, all the way up to the headboard.

Marnie stands, her eyes bouncing between Ilona and me. Marnie’s always shown a certain respect toward me, so I doubt she’s willing to cause a confrontation, but she looks torn between speaking up and staying quiet.

“Ilona doesn’t want to see you,” she says quietly. “You shouldn’t barge in like that.”

“You are in no position to tell me what to do,” I say dryly. My lips tighten as I stare her down.

A beat passes, and no one moves.

“Maybe I should just go,” Marnie finally says, breaking the awkward silence. Turning to me as she passes, she quietly adds, “Princess Astrid, please, think of what’s best for her.”

When the door clicks behind me, signaling Marnie’s exit, I loudly exhale all the air in my lungs.

“Ilona, please. You’re my best friend.”

She plays with the edge of her blanket, her big, green eyes welling with tears. “Am I though? Friends don’t lie to each other.”

“I never lied to you!”

“You killed my fu—mother!” Almost hearing the curse come out of her mouth alerts me to just how livid she is.

“It wasn’t like that, Ilona. I don’t even think it’s true.”

Her red curls hang loose around her head, knotted in some sections as if she hasn’t run a comb or oils through it in a few days. Purple bags sit like bruises beneath her eyes, and her creamy skin is even paler than normal—almost translucent. She looks the worst I’ve ever seen her.

A single tear slides down her cheek, then another, until streams fall, trailing over her freckles.

“I thought I lost you too,” Ilona whispers. “I saw that man beside you. Saw him raise his hand right before we all fell. Then you were just gone when we woke, and—”

“He didn’t harm me,” I say.

“Stop!” she yells, and I cringe at the way her high-pitched voice rings through the room. She never raises her voice like this, and it pierces my heart. “Stop being so bossy, and stop interrupting me. I know I’m not as eloquent as you, that I ramble, but just—just let me get out what I need to say for once! Please.” Her voice cracks on that final plea, and her desperation makes me recoil.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper without breaking eye contact, even though her words make me want to look away. It’s awful seeing her this worked up.

All because of me.

Do I really interrupt her that often?

Am I bossy?

Maybe I haven’t been as good a friend to Ilona as she’s been to me.

“I thought you were gone, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. You’re the only person I have. The only person,” she whispers. “I know you hate your mother, but at least you have one. Mine died when I was a little girl. I was left behind with only you. Then you were gone all of a sudden too. When I went to visit Queen Enira out of pity, or respect, or I don’t even know why—she told me that you are the reason my mother is dead.

“You saved me once, Astrid. But now, I learn you’re the one I needed saving from. You’ve broken me, and this time you can’t be the one to fix me. I’m really alone.” She sniffles. Snot and tears cover her face, but she holds her head high, staring at me from across the bed.

“I truly am sorry for everything. I’ve always loved you like a sister,” I tell her softly. “I wish I could take your pain away.”

“Well, I don’t wish you could,” she says, her eyes wild and red-rimmed. “The pain is a reminder of what I’ve lost. A reminder not to make the same mistakes I have in the past. Don’t you care about what I want?”

“Of course I do! What if I wasn’t the one who killed your mother, Ilona?”

“Can you look me in the face and tell me truthfully that it wasn’t you?”

“I—no. No I can’t because I don’t know if it was me.” I press the heels of my hands into my eyes, rubbing away the forming tears, trying to keep myself from falling apart. In my head, explaining this to Ilona was so much easier. But now, it doesn’t feel like enough.

Everything is such a mess, and I feel so lost in the tangle of lies everyone spun around me.

“Even if that’s true, you still never told me.” Her breath stutters as her tears slow. “You kept this from me purposely.”

Her words are a slap across the face. She’s right. Even if some version of my memory is true, Ilona is so tenderhearted and understanding that she would have forgiven me. And then she would have had closure.

But now? Now she’s learned the supposed truth from Enira, and I’ve lost her trust completely.

“You’re not alone, Ilona. You have Marnie. And you’re a grown woman. You’re free to go wherever you want. Become whoever you’re meant to become.” I stare at her through my curtain of tears, silently pleading with her to forgive me.

Whether or not our memories together are true or false, it doesn’t matter to me. She’s my best friend, and I need her. I love Ilona so deeply that nothing will ever change that for me.

I wish the same was true for her.

“You’re my best friend,” I say. “I—this—there’s so much more to the story. If you’ll just give me a chance to explain—”

“Please,” she croaks, cutting me off now, and it strikes me how unfair I’ve been to her. How insanely disrespectful I’ve been with my interruptions and demands. “Just leave.”

I don’t want to leave her, but I exit the room with my head held high. I’ll wait her out. I’ll give her a few minutes to cool down, and then I’ll share my side of the story and all will be well.

As I exit her room, I realize I can’t hear her thoughts anymore. The power sharing bond between Dash and me must be completely gone. Not that it matters, because now Ilona doesn’t want to be near me at all now.

I hate the irony of it.

* * *

I lean against the wall outside Ilona’s room and slide to the ground with a heavy exhale.

“She’s stronger than you give her credit for,” Marnie says, appearing at my side a minute later. We’ve always been kind to one another, but we’ve never had a chance to connect. I don’t blame her for having reservations about me, especially with how deeply I hurt Ilona. “Don’t you think she gets sick of being cast aside?”

I turn sharply to face her, taking in the way she stands with her hands on her hips. I scoff. “I don’t cast her aside.”

“Are you sure about that? She’s always there when you need to vent about your mother. She’s there for you each week at the bacchanals, even though that ruckus makes her uncomfortable. She accompanies you wherever you want to go, whenever you decide. But when have you been there for her?”

“I’ve always been there for—” As much as I don’t want to believe it, what she’s saying is true.

I have made everything about me.I’ve been a selfish friend lately. It was all too easy to push her away when her thoughts and emotions were too much for me, but I never stopped to think how she might feel. I conveniently left her out, in the name of protecting myself.

No wonder she’s so unwilling to forgive me for this final blow.

She’s one of the few people I trust, and in a sick twist of fate, she probably doesn’t trust me anymore.

“What does she need from me, Marnie?” Marnie is clearly vexed, but there’s nothing unkind about her demeanor toward me, even as she puts me in my place.

“To not be around you right now. Ilona has a huge heart. It’s inevitable she’ll forgive you for whatever it is you’ve done to her, but she needs some time to herself first.” My eyes widen when I realize Ilona hasn’t actually told Marnie what happened. There might be hope for our friendship. Ilona is still protecting me, even after everything.

Ilona is an incredibly selfless, kind friend. A friend I don’t deserve.

“I think you’re right, Marnie,” I say reluctantly, using the hem of my shirt to dry my tears. Forgiveness is more than I deserve.

“I care for her, Princess Astrid. I do. So, I’m sorry if the words came out harsh, but I’m not sorry for saying them.”

Taking a deep breath, I nod slowly. “As you shouldn’t be.”

She steps up to Ilona’s door, and I call out to her just as she places her hand on the knob. “And, Marnie?”

“Yes?”

“Please don’t call me Princess. Astrid is fine.” She offers me a sympathetic smile before disappearing into the room.

Prior to this conversation, I wouldn’t have walked away. I would’ve refused to take an answer I didn’t want from Ilona. But now I see how bad of a friend I’ve been. If I want to earn Ilona’s friendship back, I need to respect her wishes, no matter how hard it is for me. Because right now, it’s not about me.

It’s about Ilona.

Holding my head up high, I retreat, leaving her in the solitude she desires.

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