Chapter 27

CHAPTERTWENTY-SEVEN

I never imagined leavingLex behind would be so incredibly difficult. It’s a wound inside of me, ripping wider with each step.

I’m no longer denying my attraction to him or blaming it on circumstance. I wish my memories would return as badly as he does. I wish it were that simple.

Lex is tortured. I knew it the moment we locked eyes in the pit. I’ve always seen the glimmer of a threat inside of him. But even through his own anguish, he’s willing to sacrifice his happiness for my own.

I finger the cord around my neck, vowing not to use the stone to bother him. Not unless I can commit to him. He doesn’t deserve for me to lead him on, and until I can figure out my place in Hakran and acquire my missing memories, I need to leave him be. I need to discover who I am before I can give a piece of myself to him.

Shaking off those bleak thoughts, I trek through familiar vines and bushes, finding one of the many worn dirt paths that will lead me to the palace.

I’m relieved Enira is imprisoned and the Vannyks have been working to reinstate peace among Hakran. They have the people’s trust now, and that should only make my transition into power easier. If I can win the Vannyks over, they will back my claim to the throne, encouraging the people to do the same. Except…the thought of ruling Hakran doesn’t fill me with peace or elation. It feels all wrong.

I’m not a princess. Not meant to be a queen. I’m a goddess, even though I don’t really know what that entails. It’s like I’m a child playing dress up, and I don’t quite fit into the gowns.

Hakran was never mine to rule.

But at the same time, these people still mean something to me. I can’t leave them to fend for themselves. Many of them are impoverished, struggling, and without a ruler, it might only get worse. I need to help them find their footing and rebuild. I owe it to them to see this through.

Finally I emerge from the overgrowth, sticky with sweat. The palace sparkles, looking like a mirage against the bright green backdrop of the jungle. It’s so bright that I have to squint before averting my eyes altogether.

I can’t wait to see Ilona and Dash.

Oh Dash.

Even though I don’t know what I’m going to say to him. Our time together was wonderful, but it was fleeting. I still hold affection for him, but I expect he won’t feel the same when I tell him who I really am. Plus, with Lex in the picture, it’s…complicated now.

Hell, I’m even excited to see Marnie, Zale, and Gi—

Gianna. Poor, sweet Gianna.

She definitely did not deserve her fate, and that’s a guilt I will carry for the rest of my life.

I head toward the palace entrance, opulent curved doors made of gold, and I notice an abnormal number of guards milling around the property. None are wearing face coverings any longer, and most appear to be from Stellari, but a good number of Hakranians are sprinkled in among them.

I wonder what the Vannyks did with those who stayed loyal to Enira after being freed from her manipulation. Are they beside her in the pit? I can’t imagine the Vannyks would harm them, but they also couldn’t have let them go free.

“Princess?” a guard yells. “Princess Astrid?”

“Thank the goddess. She’s alive! Someone get the king.”

“I’m fine,” I say to whoever’s listening. “There’s no need to bother King Emman.” He must be in charge temporarily, waiting for me to return. I bet he’s eager to tend to his own country; that might be a further incentive for him to support my claim to the throne.

I enter the palace just in time to see Dash bolting through the corridor. The sharp angles of his face are contorted with concern and disbelief.

“Dash!” I rush toward him, and in a flash, he’s crushing me to his chest. His sandalwood scent washes over me. He’s warm, comforting. I missed him more than I realized.

“I thought I lost you,” he whispers, peppering kisses into my hair.

“Lost me?” It hits me suddenly that Dash might have thought something sinister happened to me. After all, I never sent word that I was okay.

“Did he touch you?” Dash asks, backing up and assessing my state. “Are you hurt, sweetheart?”

My stomach clenches at his term of endearment, but not the same way it used to.

Gripping his hands, I shake my head. “I’m not hurt.”

“I’ll kill that sonuvabitch,” he growls.

“I’m fine,” I say. “He didn’t hurt me. He helped me.”

Dash looks taken aback. “What do you mean he helped you?” He lowers his voice, probably in an attempt to keep our conversation private despite the numerous lurking guards. I eye them warily. Although the presence of so many Stellari guards is to be expected after what happened with Enira and her followers, I still don’t like it.

“I’ll explain everything. Where’s Ilona?” I’d rather explain it to my two best friends at the same time.

“She’s—” Dash sighs, scratching his neck.

“Don’t you dare tell me something has happened to her, Dashiel Dargan,” I warn, releasing his hands and stepping back. Tears pool in my eyes.

“Not like that. She’s fine. It’s just that—” He pauses, and relief courses through me. She’s fine. “Enira told her you…you killed her mother?” It comes out as a question, and I cringe.

Enira told Ilona I killed her mother.

That bitch.

My memory of that event is clearly false; I was never here as a young girl. I never could’ve killed Ilona’s mother… At least not how I remember. Enira likely fabricated the entire story, but until I acquire my memories, I can’t promise Ilona with unwavering certainty that I didn’t do it.

I don’t know what I did as Aife. Who I killed as Deathbringer.

“No,” I say, exhaling the word. Ilona will never forgive me for keeping such a secret. It doesn’t matter if the memory was planted. There was a time I believed it to be true and purposely hid it from her.

I’ve been played by the goddess of deception, and even now, when she’s deep in the pit without her magic, we’re still pawns in her game.

“I told Ilona that it can’t be true,” Dash says. “That it’s nothing more than a desperate ploy for Enira to manipulate her, but I worry she believes it. She’s secluded herself in her room, away from everyone except that kitchen girl.”

“And Enira?” I’m relieved Ilona at least has Marnie and isn’t alone in all of this. I need to see her, explain what happened.

I can’t lose her.

Even if our pasts are manufactured, some of our time together was real. I know her, and she knows me.

Dash’s brow furrows, probably because I called Enira by her first name rather than Mother or queen.

“She’s in the pit,” he says carefully. “Half of her guard rebelled against us, despite being released from her hold. They seem to truly believe she’s a good, just queen. We’re holding them in the old prison off the coast for now, but Enira is here in the pit. Not many lives were lost, but it was… We can talk about it later. First, I need you to tell me what happened with that bastard.”

“Lex,” I say. “His name is Lex, and he isn’t a bastard.”

Dash snorts in disbelief. “Please don’t tell me you went with him willingly after what he did to your people. You’re not that stupid, Astrid.”

“Excuse me?”

“I didn’t mean it like that.” He rubs his temples. “I only meant that you must’ve had a good reason for leaving.”

“I want to talk about it with both you and Ilona, but—” I also need to talk to Ilona about her mother before I bombard her with any of my own grievances. “Can we go somewhere, just the two of us so I can explain?”

Nodding, Dash grabs my hand and leads me through the hallway. I vaguely recognize some of the guards milling around. Some of them look at me with fondness, while others scowl. All of them incline their heads with a show of respect as we pass though.

“Dash?” I ask quietly. “Are the people—does everyone think I am as bad as Enira?”

He curses under his breath. “They know who you are, Astrid, and many are not happy. They saw you kill that little girl’s father in the throne room during the storm.”

They know who you are.

I want to laugh at the absurdity. They only think they know who I am. They’ve cast a role upon me, just as Enira did.

Bile rises in my esophagus, and I swallow down the bitter taste. How can these people—these strangers—claim to know who I am when I don’t even know who I am?

They’ve seen me at my absolute worst and have drawn conclusions about who I am based on that?

“Did anyone have any old memories return?” I ask. Could Ilona possibly have remembered something about her real past?

He looks puzzled. “What do you mean?”

I don’t bother responding. If my memories haven’t returned, it’s safe to assume no one else’s have either. And Enira is wickedly smart. She probably switched out the palace staff and guards every few years so she wouldn’t need to alter their memories. It’s possible she only altered the memories of those who have been here for an extended period of time—Jamell, Cedrik, Ilona, and me.

Dash leads me to the library, and I’m grateful for the familiarity of the comfortable space. It’s as peaceful as ever.

Does Lex have a library? The books in his spare apartment were entirely to my taste…but of course they were. They very well could’ve been my books. I’d never live somewhere without books, so I bet Harmony House has a library worth salivating over.

I’m trying not to think about Lex, but it’s impossible not to.

Dash grabs a seat in an oversized chair, and I take the one to his left.

“Astrid.” He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. There are bags under his eyes, and he looks exhausted. “A lot has happened in the few days you’ve been gone.”

I finger the cord around my neck absentmindedly as I wait for him to go on. Instead, his gaze catches on the stone, and he pauses.

“What is that?” he asks.

“Just a stone I like.” The lie slips out before I can stop it. He’d hate knowing that Lex gave it to me, and I want to tell him the important things before we get into everything else.

He grimaces. “Lex gave it to you.” His voice is flat, and his eyes spark with irritation. It’s almost as if he’s listening to my— “I heard the truth in your thoughts.”

Dammit.

“How dare you!” I snap.

“I hadn’t intended to! Hell, I shouldn’t be able to,” he says. “What did that bastard do to you?” He kneels in front of my chair, reaching up to cup my cheek in his palm.

“He didn’t do anything to harm me, Dash.” Sighing, I remove his hand, patting it softly as I grip it tenderly on my lap. “Get that out of your mind. I already told you he helped me.”

He purses his lips and watches me skeptically. Without hesitation, I relay what Lex told me about the power-sharing bond. I inform him of how power is only meant to be shared between the fated or else it can drive one insane. I tell him the truth about how Anwyr really died, how the bond recharges through intimacy, and how it fades with time and physical distance. I open up about how badly it had hurt me to hear everyone’s thoughts, how it put me at risk of harming the people around me—like that poor man in the throne room. I tell him that Lex gave me a safe space to let the bond fade.

But I don’t tell him about Lex and me just yet.

“Our bond is broken,” I whisper carefully. “If it’s not fully gone yet, it will be soon.” I’m self-conscious in his presence now that he can hear my thoughts.

“Broken,” he repeats. He pulls his hand from my grip and stands before me. I squirm uncomfortably. “So he whisked you away, to what? To save you from me? Then he gave you a precious stone to wear? Please don’t tell me you’re blind to his intentions.”

“He has no intentions, Dash. I’m not some poor damsel in distress. It was my decision to step away in order to protect myself—to protect all of you.” I leap from the chair, annoyed. And oddly, I find myself grateful it’s a regular, mild annoyance rather than the all-consuming rage I experienced last time I was here. I grab the celestite resting on my collarbone. “This is just a way to stay in touch should I ever need assistance.”

“You don’t need him to protect you. I can protect you plenty.” He reaches for me, and I swat his hand away.

“Didn’t you hear a word I said? I don’t need either of you to protect me.” I pop my hip and place a hand on it. “I’m perfectly capable of looking out for myself.”

Lex never made me feel small or weak, but somehow Dash has a knack for it. I freeze up, fearful he’s listening. When I glance at him, it appears he is deep in contemplation.

“Are you listening to my thoughts?” I ask nervously.

“Absolutely not.” He frowns. “I wouldn’t purposely disrespect you like that. Surely you know that by now. I only did it at first when I had to be sure you were pure. I’ve only ever wanted to protect you.” His voice cracks on the last bit.

“Thank you,” I say, though I’m filled with uncertainty. I’ve only been back for a few minutes, and already we’ve gotten testy with each other. Something has changed between us. It’s more than my relationship with Lex. Dash and I built our relationship on lies. It’s too easy to mistrust one another. More importantly than that, he could’ve killed me with his reckless abuse of power sharing; that will always linger over us.

It’s hard to trust someone who can freely access my thoughts, especially since he’s done it before without permission when it suited his needs. He might mean well, but it puts me at a serious disadvantage in our relationship, and I don’t like that.

I caress the celestite, thinking about how Lex said I can learn to use my power as a shield—create a barrier to keep out other vygoras and myndoxes. Until I have my own defense against Dash’s abilities, I won’t be fully comfortable with him.

Dash watches my fingers trace the necklace, and a crease forms in his forehead.

“I need to speak to Ilona and Cedrik,” I say, eager to get to the bottom of all the lies and chaos in my life.

“The healer?” Dash’s eyes darken. “I thought you weren’t hurt. If that—”

“Stop,” I tell him, putting a hand up. “Leave Lex out of this please, Dash. I swear to you he hasn’t done anything.”

Dash paces before me. “I swear I’m not listening to your thoughts, sweetheart, but I know there’s something you’re not telling me.”

“There is,” I admit. He pauses, concern written on his face. “Enira isn’t my mother.” The words tumble out before I can think of the best way to explain. It still seems unreal.

His body visibly relaxes, and a soft chuckle escapes him. “I know.”

“What the hell do you mean you know?”

“I only learned it the other day.” He puts his hands up in a gesture of surrender and flashes me his signature smirk. “Don’t attack me. Unless you get naked first.”

“You are incorrigible.” I laugh, and it lightens the mood slightly. Even though things might not ever be the same between us, I still enjoy his poorly timed humor and cringe-worthy comments. Lighthearted Dash soothes some of my unease.

“I heard it in her thoughts. The woman has some sort of vendetta against you, only I’m not sure why. If it wasn’t for your magic, she would kill you, but it’s too valuable to her. I don’t know who your real family is or how she stole you away from them, but I do know with certainty that Enira is not your mother and she despises you.”

He doesn’t know how I ended up here.

That means he doesn’t have any more answers for me, but he also doesn’t know who I am.

Lex said I went behind his back to save Nevaris—Enira never took me—but what deal did I strike with her?

Did I offer her access to my power in exchange for her promise to leave Nevaris alone?

Did I let her erase my memories? Was that part of our deal?

There has to be more to it.

“How did you apprehend her?” I ask, wondering how the Vannyks managed to outsmart her.

“I mentioned Joccelyn and Cedrik were close friends,” he says slowly. “He’s been working on a potion for years, one that temporarily mutes magic.”

I gasp. “Like how the silenxstone does?”

“Sort of, but it’s not as effective. It wears off quickly.” He runs a hand through his wavy hair. “Once we woke in the throne room after the storm” —he shoots me an incredulous look but doesn’t snipe at Lex or scold me for my murderous outburst— “my family was able to break most of Enira’s hold over the people. Some of the guards knew where she was hiding out. They knew how and when she took her meals. We slipped Cedrik’s potion into her food, hoping it would work.”

“And it did?”

“Well, we combined it with a sleeping potion just in case, which was a smart call. She’s immensely powerful, Astrid. More so than we previously thought. She’s dangerous. We gave her such a strong dose of the sleeping potion that she should’ve been knocked out for an entire day. She woke before we even had her cell locked.”

I want to yell, “Of course she’s stronger than we expected; she’s a fucking goddess!” But I’m not ready to tell him about who—or what—I am yet.

“You don’t want to kill her?” I ask.

“No. But she will rot in that pit forever if I have any say in her fate.”

“She—she altered some of my memories,” I finally tell him, faltering slightly. “At least, that’s what Lex thinks.”

Dash stares at me with disbelief, squeezing his hands into fists. “And you trust that bastard?”

“What is with you two and the name-calling?”

His eyes narrow as his head tilts to the side. “Oh, so he called me names?”

“What the fuck, Dash. I just told you Enira is not my mother and my memories are missing, and that’s what you’re worried about?”

“And I told you, I don’t trust that dirty prisoner.” He pins me with a hard gaze.

“I don’t care!” I yell. “I do!”

He flinches as if I’ve slapped him, his eyes widening in hurt. Dash and I have struggled to build trust for weeks, and here I am, admitting I trust Lex after only a few days with him.

“I need to go.”

“Wait,” Dash says as I turn to leave. “Don’t go. Please.”

“I need to talk with Cedrik.” If Enira’s hold on him broke, he might remember the circumstances of my arrival here. There’s a chance he has insight into my true past. I was hoping he might even know of a way to get my memories back.

“He’s gone.”

“What do you mean gone?”

“He accompanied my family back to Stellaris. My father is extremely unwell. His…situation is progressing rapidly. It’s at the point where Zale is preparing to inherit the throne very soon. Cedrik returned to help keep him comfortable. He’s better than our own healers back home.”

“I had no idea,” I said, shaking my head. Poor Emman. “Is that why I hadn’t seen much of him or Joccelyn while they were here?”

Dash nods, his brows drawn tight. “He has good days and bad days. He’s fine on the good days, but the bad days are becoming more frequent. He doesn’t want anyone to know he’s ill, so he downplays his pain and stays out of sight.”

I wrap my arms around Dash, letting him squish me to his muscular chest.

I’ve definitely turned into a hugger.

“I can’t believe you stole my healer,” I say when we break apart. “What if someone here gets ill?”

“The village healer is staying in the palace for the time being.” He brushes the bangs off my forehead and plants a tender kiss there. “You don’t have any memories from your real family?” I shrug at him, and he exhales loudly “Do you know how to get them back?”

“That’s the key question in my life right now. The silenxstone broke her basic hold over me and most people, but for some reason it didn’t mend my memories. Sora said she might have another source of magic.”

“Who the hell is Sora?” Dash growls.

“Seriously?” I huff at him. “Since when are you so jealous?”

“Since the woman I love ran off with another man.”

Ouch.

Guilt fills my gut, and I hate that I hurt him by leaving, even if it was for the best. I need to hold off on telling him the truth about Lex for a little while longer, until I can sort out the other problems in my life. My guilt overshadows the admission of his love for me, but I can’t deal with that right now, so I change the subject.

“If Cedrik isn’t here to help me figure out my past, we need to figure out what magic Enira’s using to strengthen her hold on me.”

“Would it be so bad if you never remembered?”

My eyes narrow at the suggestion. “Yes. Yes it would be. This is my life we’re talking about.”

“You might have a false past, but you can build a real future. Your—Enira, I mean, is imprisoned. You have me.”

“I’m getting my memories back, Dash. No matter what it takes.”

“Okay. Okay, fine. I understand,” he whispers, giving me a soft smile. “I support you with whatever you choose to do.”

With everything else happening in this conversation, I almost missed something important.

“Dash…” I begin carefully.

“Yes?”

“You said King Emman left.” I narrow my eyes at him, putting the pieces together. The guard outside requested the king’s presence. “Which king is here?”

His face pales. “It’s only temporary. I’m placating the people until you assume your rightful position on the throne.”

My eyes flutter shut, and I shake my head vigorously before opening them to glare at him. “Unbelievable. I guess you got what you wanted after all?”

He reaches for me, but I put up a hand and take a step backward. “You know this isn’t what I wanted. Not like this. I’m only trying to help. I love you, Astrid.”

His words suffocate me. Maybe before the power sharing debacle I would’ve relished those words. Returned them even. But now they feel all wrong, as ill-timed as his jokes. But instead of laughing, I’m cringing.

When I don’t return the words, his dimpled smile drops, and a frown forms in its place. It’s the expression of a tired man, a stressed man. One who likely waited sleeplessly for the woman he loves to return.

Only, she returned as a different woman. On the outside I look the same, but on the inside, everything has changed.

Perhaps I’m being unfair to Dash. I don’t want to hurt him—he’s one of the best men I’ve ever met. He’s attentive and cares deeply for others, but I can’t give him what he wants, especially not if I can’t trust him.

“I can’t do this,” I whisper, afraid to meet his eyes. “I need to see Ilona.” My heart races as I bolt from the room, desperate to see my best friend and rattled by how wrong Dash’s words felt in my ears.