Chapter 26

CHAPTERTWENTY-SIX

Within the hour,I’m making my way back through the tunnel to Hakran, with Lex and his harbingers leading the way. I learn from Lo that the tunnel is powered by etheryn magic. That’s what enables us to traverse across immeasurable distances with ease. I’m still unsure of where exactly Nevaris is. It’s nestled into mountains and covered with conifers, so I assume somewhere north, on the mainland, but I can’t recall much about mainland geography. I’ve explored every inch of Hakran—the island isn’t that big—but nothing beyond.

Lex shares that the Vannyks likely don’t know that Enira and I are goddesses. He also claims to have overheard them speaking in the pit. They aren’t willing to kill her out of fear of losing their throne. That’s what I was hoping for previously, but now, I want the bitch dead. If they won’t do it, I’ll do it myself.

After I get answers from her.

I don’t care what Ilona, the Vannyks, or anyone else thinks. This is between Enira and me.

As we near the end of the tunnel, Lex asks to read my emotions one last time. Callan, Lo, and Sora go on ahead, giving us a moment of privacy.

It takes Lex no time at all to pull my emotions toward him.

“The bond is very weak.” He runs a thumb over his bottom lip, refusing to look at me. “It should fade entirely soon. Perhaps even by the time you’re back at the palace.”

Since I met him, I’ve thought of Lex as calm and collected, when really, he’s a man in pain. Now that I know the truth, I see it in the way his jaw locks up. The way his eyes focus on one spot for far too long. The way his sentences are sometimes short and clipped.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. It’s an apology for everything and nothing all at once.

“He’s a lucky man.” He finally looks at me, and his gaze is electrifying. “You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known. Truly beautiful, all the way down to your core.”

My stomach twists at his words, and gratitude clogs my throat. There’s no way I could ever hate a man like Lex. I don’t believe it.

“I have to tell Dash who I really am,” I say, feeling the urge to open up to Lex. “I don’t expect him to be thrilled that I’m a goddess of death.”

“The. You are the goddess of death.”

“Even worse! I’m a one of a kind slaughterer!” I scoff, throwing my hands up. A bit of rage builds inside of me, a faint reminder of my now-fading bond with Dash.

“You are not a slaughterer, Astrid,” he says, calling me by the name I know best. I appreciate him for it. He reaches out, gently rubbing my shoulder and my skin tingles beneath his touch. I shudder, hoping he doesn’t notice. “You do not kill for sport or fun. You are a warrior, a ruthless protector of the people you love. Deathbringer to those who threaten the people you’ve sworn to protect. Even if you choose to protect Hakran now instead of Nevaris.”

“Wording it differently doesn’t change the reality of what I am,” I whisper.

He steps forward, cupping my jaw and forcing me to look up at him through my tears. “In that case, you are a vicious, ruthless murderer.”

When he smiles, I chuckle in return. “Gee thanks for the confirmation.”

“You’re right. Wording it differently doesn’t change the reality of who you are. Labels won’t change anything about you. Dash should love you more because of who you are, not despite who you are. If he doesn’t, then he’s the wrong man for you.”

My heart pounds fiercely as Lex strokes my cheek with his thumb. Neither of us makes an effort to pull away.

Something raw and electrifying pulses between us, and I want to wrap my arms around him—to pull him close and cry into his shirt while he holds me. I cried in front of Dash, but it was because of my out of control magic.

Thisfeels different. Much more real.

It’s further proof that the memory of Lex lives somewhere deep inside of me. I know this man. I simply don’t remember him.

“Why did Sora say I hated you?” I ask.

Lex’s brows tighten together, and he curses under his breath. “We’ve… I’ve made mistakes.”

“Were they unforgivable?”

“That’s not for me to decide.” His eyes darken as they roam every inch of my face.

“I’m sick of everyone being so cryptic.”

“Aren’t you fed up with everyone creating their own narrative for you?” he asks, his voice a low rumble, sending prickles down my spine. “Of everyone telling you who you are?”

“Yes.”

His face softens at my answer. “That’s precisely why I give you the answers I do.” He reaches out, tenderly grabbing my hand, and I interlace our fingers together on instinct. A shockwave courses through me where our skin meets. “I refuse to lie to you, but I also refuse to tell you my truth. I can’t risk influencing your narrative with my biased perceptions of the past. You need to discover your own truth.”

Tears well in my eyes, and I look away, trying to avoid the soft glow of light from the orb in his other hand.

“Do you know the hardest part about this goodbye?” he asks. I shake my head, wanting him to continue. “That it’s only temporary, but that I don’t know when we’ll meet again. It wrecks me to wonder whether you’ll remember me. Remember us.”

I crack, and the tears finally burst free, streaming down my face. “You think we’ll see each other again?”

His face morphs into a kind smile, one that makes him look younger, softer. “I’ll make sure of it.”

I remember the pain in his voice when he said Enira took something that belonged to him—something that mattered greatly to him. And my first day in Nevaris, he said he lost something he loved and didn’t want what happened to him to happen to me.

He won’t force me to choose him, even though it clearly hurts him to let me go. He’s letting me choose Dash, Ilona, and my people, because he knows that it would tear me apart to lose them.

I step closer to him, brushing my chest against his. My head tilts up. Lex might fool everyone with his detachment, but he doesn’t fool me. The man feels everything I do—probably more.

He lets the orb of light crash to the ground and grazes my collarbone with his fingers. Goosebumps rise on my arms, and my body hums with energy.

It’s thrilling.

I want more.

“Lex,” I whisper. A hungry look crosses his face, and everything around us disappears as his mouth slowly starts on the journey toward mine. I ache for him to close the gap. To use his lips to make me remember him. I want him to kiss me senseless, until I don’t care whether I’m Astrid or Aife. I want to be so blinded by love, or lust, or whatever this is that I choose to stay with him.

I crave his kiss, his touch, because I know it will change everything.

It doesn’t matter why I hated Lex before. I don’t care if he ruined me—if he turned everything I held dear to ash. In this moment, I’d willingly let him destroy me again, because I know he wouldn’t leave me broken.

He’d help me rebuild stronger than ever.

That’sthe kind of man I know Lex is, deep in my heart.

Right before our lips meet, Callan’s voice rings through the tunnel. “Are you two coming or what?” It startles us, and we jolt, ripping apart.

The connection we had a moment ago is still there, but it’s been spoiled by the interruption. Lex clears his throat, grabbing his light from the ground. “Would you like me to accompany you to the palace?” he asks, his voice pained.

“No.” I sigh. It’s something I need to do on my own. I almost lost myself in Lex a second ago. I was close to letting it happen. But I’m glad nothing happened—at least not yet. The last thing I want to do is lead Lex on or hurt Dash unnecessarily.

There are things I need to figure out first.

“Thanks for your help, Lex.” We stand there in the too-small tunnel, still not quite knowing how to say goodbye.

For a moment, I harbor one last hope that Lex will grab me and pull me into a soul-shattering goodbye kiss. I’m partly disappointed when he doesn’t, partly relieved that he has such incredible self-control. Goddess knows I’m hanging on by a thread right now.

We make it to the exit and emerge into the sticky heat. I’m grateful Lex gave me something thinner and cooler to wear before returning.

“Ugh,” I say as my face flushes. The familiar scents of rich earth and salty air fill my nose.

“Sure you don’t want to come back to Nevaris?” Lo asks, grinning sadly. She pulls me into a hug, and I don’t fight it. Apparently, I’m turning into a hugger. Deathbringer and hugger, who would’ve thought? “Don’t give up on him.” Releasing me, she smiles one last time before heading back into the tunnel.

Sora watches her go, then turns to grimace at me before heading after Lo.

“I know you’ll be back,” Callan says, blinding me with his too-perfect smile and patting me on the head. “I know it. You are going to remember everything. I can’t wait.” He heads to the tunnel, stopping to take in the vivid scenery. The jungle is drenched in every imaginable hue of green, with flecks of vibrant color scattered about. Even the cave is covered in green moss, camouflaged almost entirely.

Callan whistles. “Damn this place is wild.” He nods at Lex before leaving the two of us to our farewells.

Once we’re alone, Lex reaches into his pocket and pulls something out, handing it to me. It’s small and smooth. I turn the stone over in my palm, wondering exactly what it’s for. It’s pale blue, almost grey, with flecks of white, and it’s attached to a thin black string. A smile grazes my lips at the unexpected gift, and I immediately slip it over my head and tuck it into the neckline of my shirt, letting it fall safely between my breasts.

“Celestite,” he says. “They’re new. I had Callan forage for them.” He tugs on a black string around his own neck, revealing an identical stone, one I hadn’t seen him wearing earlier at Harmony House. “If you ever need me, rub your stone between your palms. Mine will heat up in response, and I’ll know to come to you.”

“And what if you need me?” I tease half-heartedly.

“We both know I’ll always need you before you need me.” He gazes at me with so much affection that I can’t breathe.

I don’t reply because I can’t.

It stings.

Now that I’ve seen the truth, I can’t unsee it. Walking away from Lex pains me, but I do it anyway. Not because I want to but because I need to.

I need to figure out myself—my past and my future—without the distractions and temptations of Lex and Nevaris.

Maybe one day I’ll return.

Without another glance back, I begin my trek west, toward the palace.