Chapter 25

CHAPTERTWENTY-FIVE

The five ofus stand unmoving, waiting for someone to speak.

“Lo is right,” Lex finally says with a seriousness that deeply unsettles me. “You are Aife. Goddess of Death. The Deathbringer. And you belong here in Nevaris.”

Deathbringer? Goddess? I can’t vocalize any of my thoughts, because I’m completely stunned.

The others watch me cautiously, and after a long minute of processing, I double over in laughter once again. “Unbelievable. You hate Dash so much that you’re trying to trick me into staying here, away from him, with the most ridiculous story I’ve ever heard? And you couldn’t think of a better name for me than the one I gave my horse?” Narrowing my eyes at Lex, I shake my head angrily.

Callan raises a hand. “Orrrr maybe Lex hates Dash because he’s sleeping with his—” Lex exhales loudly, cutting Callan off, and shoots a look that tells him to shut up. Callan shrugs. “What? It’s true.”

Sora sighs, muttering under his breath about how ridiculous this is. Lo trots into a room on my right. There’s a scraping noise and a loud bang, and then she returns carrying a gold-framed painting.

“Here,” she says, turning it toward me.

The two people in the painting look identical to Lex and me. In the portrait, we stand side by side, looking equally fierce. My hair flows around my shoulders in the image, but those teal eyes and that round face are unmistakably mine.

“What is this?” I ask quietly.

“The truth,” Lex says.

“No.” I shake my head violently. “No. You had someone paint that after I arrived.”

I glance at each person, waiting for someone to crack and admit it’s all an elaborate joke. A ploy to keep me here in Nevaris for some reason.

“I’m sorry,” Lo says. She worries her bottom lip between her teeth. “Maybe Sora was right. You weren’t ready for the truth.”

“No shit,” Sora says, glaring at her.

“I know who I am, and it’s not this Aife person,” I say, my voice cracking. “I’m sorry if you thought I was, but I’m not. I remember my whole life on Hakran. I’ve never even left the island.” I chuckle again. Another realization strikes me, inciting a bit of anger. “Lex, were we… together? What the fuck were you doing with Ana?” Out of all the questions I have, that’s the one that slips out.

Callan has the good sense to look bashful as he scratches his neck. “Eh, that was my fault actually. I sent her up with the intention to relax Lex.”

“You seem jealous,” Lo adds thoughtfully. “That’s a good sign!”

“Nothing happened with Ana,” Lex says, pinning me with a dark look.

“Even if it did, Lex has nothing to apologize for,” Sora cuts in.

“I have always been loyal to you, Aife,” Lex murmurs, a pained look on his face. “When I went searching for you, I had no idea that you’d have a life of your own. That you’d no longer have our memories.” His eyes shine with sorrow, as if it hurts him to admit these things out loud.

“Sora’s right. You don’t owe me any apologies.” I sigh. “Like I said, I’m not your… whatever. I do have plenty of memories—memories of my entire life, from childhood and beyond. I’m not Aife.”

“Those are false memories. Enira planted them, manipulated your real ones,” Lex informs me. Bile rises in my throat.

Impossible.

I’ve lived on Hakran for as long as I can remember. Except, when I try to think back, I don’t recall much other than a few prominent memories—such as murdering Ilona’s mother. I know my past, know the story of my life, but I can’t picture it. I can’t recall any significant moments.

“What do you remember about your life, luv?” Lex asks, with an unexpected tenderness.

“Everything!” I want to shake Lex until he realizes how ludicrous this is.

“Do you truly? Are your memories specific, or are they hazy?”

“When I was little, I killed Ilona’s mother by accident.”

“And what happened after?”

“Mother took Ilona in.” I try to think back, to remember exactly what happened, but it’s jumbled. I can’t conjure the same prominent image as I could with Ilona’s mother’s death.

“What else? What else do you remember?”

“Plenty of things.” I scoff. But when I fail to picture any specific days or events, I begin to panic. The blood drains from my face, and I begin to consider that Lex is telling the truth. A tear breaks free, trailing down my cheek. “What happened to my memories?”

“Enira,” Sora says, crossing his arms and leaning against a pillar.

I swallow the lump in my throat. Something Lex said echoes through my head: “She has something that belongs to me. Something I came to retrieve.”

Was that something me? Was he searching for me all along?

“Why would my mother do that?” I hate how weak my voice comes out.

“Enira is not your mother,” Lo says softly. “She’s the Goddess of Deception.”

“Is everyone a fucking god or goddess all of a sudden?” I say, throwing my hands up.

“I’m not.” Callan beams and raises a hand before pointing to Lo and Sora. “They’re not either.”

Lex shakes his head before speaking. “Years ago, Enira found our village and began using her power to manipulate our people—good people who didn’t deserve their fates in her hands. She sought to make a home filled with pawns. To play with however she desired. But you bartered with her behind my back, and struck a deal to protect Nevaris. I didn’t know it at the time. Enira broke her hold over Nevaris’s people and simply disappeared one day, but so did you.” He rubs his forehead. “I searched everywhere, discovering Enira in Hakran shortly afterward. What she failed to do in Nevaris, she succeeded to do in Hakran.

“She constructed an elaborate illusion where she can act out all of her wicked fantasies. Enira is the biggest narcissist. Being a goddess isn’t enough. She wishes to be the goddess, and she will do anything to pretend that she is. She wanted a throne, a city, then more power, but it’s never enough for her. She wants to command everything and everyone. When I came looking for you, she used my one weakness against me to subdue me and lock me in the pit. Even the powers of gods can’t penetrate silenxstone.”

His one weakness.

Me.

“You loved me.” For some reason the thought of being loved, truly loved so deeply by Lex that he’d sacrifice his freedom, is like a punch to the gut. It hurts, but at the same time it consumes me entirely. My chest tightens.

“As if you care,” Sora says, scowling. “You hated him.” I wait for Lex to deny it, but he doesn’t.

“We wanted to look for you.” Lo changes the subject, making a rude gesture at Sora. “But Lex bound us by oath not to follow him when he went searching for you. He prevented us from leaving, from using the legions for anything other than Nevaris’s protection. As his harbingers, we had to oblige those wishes, no matter how unfair or idiotic” —she rolls her eyes— “they were.”

“Asinine,” Sora says.

“But my horse’s name is Aife,” I mumble, still in some sort of shock.

“You probably remembered your real name somewhere in your subconscious,” Callan says, offering me a half-smile. “Maybe deep down you still have your memories.”

“Callan’s right. Your true memories are likely still intact,” Lo says. “I don’t think they were erased but buried beneath the illusions Enira planted in your mind.”

“Maybe,” Sora says. He mindlessly fingers a jagged scar on his neck, but when he catches me staring, he adjusts his black turtleneck so the old wound is covered, then glowers at me.

I turn to Lex. “You kept this from me, Lex.”

“You wouldn’t have believed me. I was hoping if you returned home to Nevaris, that you would regain your memories. I was giving you time to recall your life on your own without interference.”

“Was anything you told me the truth? About Paramour Falls? My bond with Dash?”

“All of it.” Lex’s eyes spark with anger, but he keeps it under control. “I have never lied to you.”

“But you didn’t tell me the whole truth either.”

“I’m telling you now!” He yells. It’s the second time I’ve seen him enraged—the first when Ana touched him. “It’s only been five days since I was freed from that damned prison cell, and for three of them, you’ve ignored me entirely. Be realistic, Aife.”

“It’s Astrid,” I spit. Misplaced nostalgia slices through me at hearing him call me Aife. Even without my memories, something inside me responds to his words. I’ve had these unexplainable feelings ever since I came to Nevaris, like I’ve dreamt about this place before. It’s familiar yet unknown at the same time. “You were just going to let me go? Let me walk away after all that time you spent looking for me?”

“You don’t even remember me,” Lex says, his voice cracking. “You said you could be happy with Dash.”

“Plus, you hate Lex,” Sora mutters, raising a brow.

“Shut the fuck up,” Callan says, crossing over to Sora and punching his shoulder. Sora reaches for his dagger, but Lo’s hand flies out, stopping him before he can unsheath it.

“Can you two just…not?” Lo asks the two men. “Not right now.”

I stare at Lex, ignoring the other three. “You really thought I’d be better off with the woman who manipulated me for years? You were just going to hand me back over to her?” It’s almost impossible to comprehend I have a lifetime of false memories and the woman I’ve called Mother isn’t really my mother at all. But then again…the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Enira has never seemed maternal toward me. She’s easily used and disregarded me.

How could Lex let her have me if what he’s saying is true?

Lex’s hands ball into fists as he struggles to remain impassive. “It’s not about what I want. It’s about what you want. What you need.” Without another word, he exits the foyer, entering into one of the side rooms. Lo chases after him, telling me to wait. Sora grumbles to himself.

“The good news is we have spies stationed in Hakran now,” Callan says. “I’m thrilled to report that Enira was successfully imprisoned by the Vannyks. Her powers are snuffed out with the silenxstone. With the direct line to your mind broken, she can no longer control you, and there’s a chance your original memories could return.”

“Shouldn’t they have already returned if her magic is subdued?” I ask.

“Eh,” Callan says. “Maybe it takes time?”

“They might never return,” Sora says, contradicting Callan’s optimism. “There are rumors she has an additional power source backing up her magic. But that’s unconfirmed at this time.”

“Unreal,” I say, closing my eyes and rubbing my temples. After a pause to collect my thoughts, I address Sora. “You said we hated each other?”

He snorts, regarding me through narrowed eyes. “One of you lacked love and respect.”

“Then why did he come for me?”

“Because we cannot allow Enira to control the Goddess of Death.” He shakes his head in disbelief. “You were a liability under her influence. Liabilities must be neutralized.”

Neutralized?

“As in killed? Are you saying Lex would’ve killed me if I hadn’t broken free of Enira’s hold?” I shake my head. “No way.”

“Aife, look—” Callan runs a hand through his golden hair.

“Yes,” Sora says.

Unfuckingbelievable.

“I need to return to Hakran,” I choke out after a moment of silence.

“Relax,” Callan says. “Sora’s just a cranky fucker. He’s still pissed about the time you almost beheaded him. Lex would never hurt you. Never. No matter what.” Callan gives Sora a rude gesture.

Sweet relief washes over me. But…wait. “I tried to behead Sora?” My eyes dart back to Sora’s, and his fingers absentmindedly reach up to the collar hiding that hideous scar.

“For good reason.” Callan laughs. “He totally deserved it.” Sora doesn’t respond, but his eyes darken.

“Either way, I need to return to Hakran,” I say, bringing us back to the most important topic.

“Please don’t go, Aife,” Lo calls out as she returns with Lex.

“It’s Astrid,” I snap. She flinches at my tone. “I appreciate you telling me the truth, if that’s what it even is, but I have no memories of this. Hakran still needs a leader—they are still my people. I have a duty to them. And I can’t leave Ilona alone.”

“You’re not meant for mere queendom. You’re a warrior—a goddess. Deathbringer,” Callan says, as if he’s trying to convince me not to go.

“You’re a slaughterer,” Dash’s words ring in my mind. He said he hadn’t meant those words—he was only trying to piss me off at the falls—but he was right. What would he think of my true identity? Will he accept me as a goddess of death?

I don’t think he will, but even so, I’ll need to tell him. Withholding information is essentially the same as lying. It’s a form of manipulation, and I’ve had enough deception to last a lifetime. The last thing I want is more secrets hovering over me.

“I’m still leaving.” Lex nods, his body rigid as he heads out the front door with Sora and Lo on his heels.

Callan waits until they’re out of sight, then reaches out and taps my shoulder. “For what it’s worth, Lex never hated you. He loved you—still loves you. Don’t listen to anything Sora says. He’s a coldblooded bastard who wouldn’t know love if it punched him in the dick.” He doubles over in laughter. “You two never got along.”

With that, he heads out the door.

Lex never looked at me with loathing. Even during the few times he was short with me, I never sensed any animosity there.

Why would it matter to him whether or not I’m happy with Dash? Or that I’m safe and protected? Why else would he despise Dash so much?

Of course the man still loves me.

Lex offered me a place to stay and brought me clothes and food. He didn’t take advantage of me even when I was clearly open to exploring the connection between us. He could’ve but he didn’t, because he knew when I found out the truth, I’d hate him for it.

Despite Callan telling me not to worry about Sora’s words, I can’t help but wonder: Did I truly hate Lex? Why?

I wish with my entire being that I could remember Lex. My heart breaks for him—the man I don’t know. I don’t find it in me to be angry at him for not telling me the truth immediately, especially since he was right; I never would’ve believed him.

Even though I’m Astrid now, it proves he still knows me well. Perhaps Aife and Astrid aren’t that far removed.