9. Jesse

CHAPTER 9

Jesse

F uck the anger. Fuck the pain.

I couldn’t be angry with him. The moment I’d seen him I’d instantly been battling my emotions and the way my body craved him, especially with that new tribal tattoo that he’d had added down the length of his arm. I was in shock, but with more admiration that after all the talks and discussions we’d had around the design and the execution of him wanting a design, but never actually going through with it, he’d finally gone and taken the leap without me. I didn’t know whether to be more proud at the fact that he had the exact design that we’d discussed or upset he had waited until we’d parted ways.

That was beside the point though because after our outburst and screaming match together, the tension between us was so taut and strained. I wanted to just slam him against the nearest tree trunk and tell him to shut the fuck up. I’m glad that Theo decided to walk away before I did just that and give us that time, even though I hated him being apart from me, scared that he wouldn’t return to me. Deep down even in this shortest time of him being back around me, I’d realized my heart was still tied to him. I wanted him more than anything in the world. It was as if my brother knew that the two of us were intertwined and needed this time together—the fucker. I’d make him pay for this.

The moment I heard that scream—his scream—my blood turned to ice. I reached for my rucksack and forgot about the tent and everything else and just ran. I knew I had to just reach him and nothing else mattered. It seemed like hours between checking him over, the passer by coming over and checking on us and my sudden urge to kiss him.

That’s right I had to taste him.

My mouth needed to devour him and I didn’t care that Theo had walked away or that I had no idea of the exact reason, except in my heart all I had thought about was the potential reasons surrounding my sexuality being the cause behind it. I just knew that he was everything I ever wanted, needed and would require forever more. I just had to express it in the only way I knew how at this moment.

“Lean on me,” I whispered once I pulled back from him breathlessly. “I’m going to get you back to the campsite and then I’m going to clean this wound up. Dress it and hopefully, it just needs butterfly stitches,” I uttered. “Then I’m going to undress you, get you into bed and lay with you. I need to hold you.”

“You need to hold me?” Theo replied as I stood up and pulled my rucksack on before holding my hand out to him. “This is a new and assertive approach, Jes.”

“Do you like it?” I chuckled, cocking my head to the side and giving him a wink as he pulled himself up to stand and wrapped his arm around my waist. The heated touch instantly sent goosebumps along my skin as I took in this moment that we hadn’t shared in so long. “Just let me get that leg seen too and then I’ll show you I can be as assertive as you need me to be.”

I watched the slight grimace appear across Theo’s face and assumed that it was from the pain radiating through his leg. Once I got him settled and got some pain relief into his system along with his leg treated, I’m sure that he would be feeling much better. Then we could deal with what we needed to. I had an initial glance when I wrapped the wound. It didn’t look too deep, just a surface wound, but the shock and blood that Theo saw probably didn’t help. He had never been very good with any type of injury ever, especially one that contained any type of blood at all.

Hopefully we could avoid needing to get him to a doctor immediately. It was the last thing we needed at the moment, but if I had to then I would do it.

My initial thoughts had been correct. The wound had actually been three smaller cuts which, with the way the rock had hit it had caused superficial damage to the skin, luckily some antiseptic, painkillers and butterfly strips with a bandage over it seemed the right course of action. Then he should be right again in a few days.

“Now that’s sorted, where were we?” I uttered removing my ripped top and making my way next to Theo in the tent I’d luckily finished putting up when he’d gone walking earlier when we’d both been attempting to blow off some steam. I allowed my hand to skim up his new artwork and trace the lines of the designs under my fingertips. “I love that you had it done. I remember the endless talks about it,” I whispered as I gazed into his eyes. “I know you had to go. I know that’s down to me and it’s all my fault…”

“Your fault?” Theo halted me, jolting himself backwards like I’d burnt him. “Why would you ever think that?” he said with a venomous anger to the tone of his voice. “Seriously Jes?—”

“You don’t need to hide the fact away from me anymore, Theo. I know that you wanted to hide our relationship after I’d told you I wanted to tell everyone,” I admitted to him, looking at his darkened eyes. “You ran away and backtracked as you were too scared and nervous to talk to me about it. I don’t care…”

“Jes—” He attempted to force my name fully out, but it got stuck on the tip of his tongue. At this moment, the loving sentiment of the nickname I was used to seeing on his face wasn’t present and a gut-wrenching pain suddenly twisted in the pit of my stomach as if I was suddenly recognizing that I had this totally wrong. “It really was nothing to do with any of that, I soon found out my dad knew there was more to us than I’d ever known. I was just blinded by the fact he never mentioned it.”

The sudden influx of thoughts hit me and I immediately recoiled away from him and pushed myself to sit up, watching the way Theo did the exact same thing. Had he really left me for something much worse? Had Theo just fallen out of love with me and I’d attempted to push my way back into his life without giving him a chance to explain? Had I honestly just thought that Theo’s sexual preferences had been the reason surrounding why the two of us had split up?

Fuck… what if he had someone else? No… I shook my head at that thought. He would have pushed me away and not allowed me to even touch him.

I was so wrong about the reason why… What the hell had I done?

I watched Theo contemplate his next move as he twiddled the rim of his shirt with his fingers and toyed with his bottom lip between his teeth as he dropped his gaze from mine. He was nervous and uncertain about something but I wasn’t letting him avoid me any longer.

“Just tell me, Theo.” I breathed out. “We need this line that’s between us finally gone and dealt with.”

I watched the way Theo retreated into himself, his arms curling around his knees and cocooning into a ball of protection, carefully watching his leg as he avoided looking at me at all costs.

“I found a lump, Jesse.” He forced the words out. “I thought I had—” He tried to say the word, but I already knew what was going to leave his lips. “I couldn’t tie you to me if I was that ill. I just couldn’t fucking do it so I pushed you away. I was a fool. A fucking fool to think that it was the right thing to do,” he continued as the tears flowed. “I didn’t want you to be trapped with me and unable to escape me because you felt obligated to stay by my side. I’d never be able to look at you or myself again especially after what my Uncle Mike went through…”

“You’re not your Uncle Mike, Theo,” I snapped out in shock at his confession, quickly standing up as the anger flowed through my veins. “And you know I’m certainly not Cam.” I rasped out, as I ran my hands through my hair and yanked on the ends hoping it would ease some of this anger before it spilled out. “I can’t believe you fucking did this. That you pushed me away over your health. Fuck, Theo—” I looked at him before shaking my head, thinking what the hell had been going through his head to think this would be a good idea. “I need space. Fuck I can’t?—”

“Jesse, please don’t—” I heard him whisper but it was too late. I’d already walked straight outside of the tent and away from the fucked-up mess that was unraveling around us.

I thought I’d experienced every kind of emotion going but at this moment a turmoil of them had currently wrapped themselves around me and trapped me.

I didn’t know how to feel; scared, angry, hurt or worried.

It all came down to the fact had I really been that difficult of a person to lean on that he thought the only way to deal with what was going on was to leave me and figure it out alone?

But even though I was hurt and angry I was more importantly concerned if Theo was okay now. My poor heart.