4. Theo

CHAPTER 4

Theo

ONE YEAR LATER

I scrolled through the names in my contact list, and yet again stopped and hovered over the call button when I reached Jesse’s name. It was a vicious circle I’d been in for the last year now and one I’m not sure I could ever break away from. He’d been a constant in my life, my thoughts and the required help needed with the use of my hand. If I was honest, it was only his face, images of his cock and body that could do anything for my dick now; nothing else satisfied the need within me. It was both a punishment and pleasure in knowing that this one man had created such an effect on me, even though I’d never have the real thing again in my life. If I was honest, it was a comfort knowing I could press that button and hopefully within a few rings he’d pick up the line and I’d hear his voice, but on the other hand, a reality check at the situation I’d caused.

My mind couldn’t help but drift off and think about the way his lips pressed against mine, the way his cock ground against mine and how our fingers trailed along the hard ridges of each other's bodies as we became tangled within the sheets together. It was a game to see which one of us could resist touching the other first. Jesse normally would win against me—well, until the last month or so, when everything just spiralled and changed. I just had no staying power or resistance against his looks or charm. I wanted him, however, and whenever I could get him. It was pure luck that I hadn’t been caught for indecent exposure for the times I wanted to just push him against a wall in an empty cubicle knowing that people were around us, but my secret was truly hidden still. It made my blood pump faster in my veins and the adrenaline rush within knowing that with one knock on the door, everything could be unveiled. That was all lost now. I was alone and it was well deserved. The games all finished and ended.

It was my fault he wasn’t by my side. It was my fault I’d caused heartache that didn’t exist. It was my fault that I was living with my dad miles away from the place and life that I’d loved all because of the way I freaked out. I should have done as my dad said and got the bigger picture first before being rash with my decisions, but I thought I was right—as always—and jumped in without a care in the world and now I’m the one paying for it. In my mind, all I could think about was Jesse had probably moved on and was now loving life thinking he’d had a lucky escape.

“You pining over the guy again?” my dad shouted as he entered the room, startling me and making me drop the phone to the floor. I picked it up quickly off the ground, muttering under my breath a range of curse words as I made sure I hadn’t accidentally pressed the call button by mistake and cracked the screen. “I don’t get why you didn’t tell him why you left. You just need to swallow your damn pride, son.” He sighed loudly, rubbing the back of his neck. “I know it’s the same conversation between us. It was thankfully a scare and you’re okay. You need to be thankful that you are okay.”

“I am,” I retorted abruptly, feeling shocked at the fact he would even say that to me. “I’m forever grateful that it was a torsion of the testicles and nothing more sinister. Yes, I lost one and had to go through surgery to fix the problem but it could have been so much more severe.” I spoke to him. “I’ll forever value every second I’ve been given now especially when I was sitting there waiting for the results of the various additional cyst biopsies that were discovered but I can’t go back on what I did. It would be wrong of me to go running back begging Jesse for forgiveness when I caused all this.”

“If that’s what you believe…” Dad shook his head knowing there was no point continuing trying to get through to my stubborn self. My mind was set and that was it. “I’ll leave you to think about it, but just so you know he still tries to contact me every so often asking if you’re, okay?”

“You haven’t told—” I blurted out in shock at his revelation.

“No, I wouldn’t do that. I just say you're busy and that you should speak to each other,” he replied as I sighed loudly at his admission. “Have I ever said that the two of you we’re definitely made for one another?”

“Yes, you did after that long talk we had a few months back and you know what I said back then, too,” I whispered, knowing that I had to stay strong to those thoughts.

“That admitting your feelings to me towards Jesse was hard enough and over time you’d hoped that you’d been here together talking to me, but in your heart and soul you had to let Jesse go,” Dad responded rolling his eyes at me as if what he said was the most ridiculous statement he’d heard. “That you believe a mistake is worth paying for forever more…”

“I—” I paused thinking that I didn’t actually say all of that to him, did I? “I know now I have to live my life. I can’t continue the way I have been.”

“Then maybe take your own advice, son,” he said firmly, turning on his heel before halting in his step and dropping his head down. “Otherwise, you’ll be stuck in this place you are in now, and never be able to move forward,” he added. “Trust me, son, you need to make a decision or this will seem like a bad nightmare that you’ll never wake up from.”

I watched my dad as he walked away out of the room and dropped my hands from my hair to cover my face, rubbing it hard out of frustration.

The worst thing was that my dad was right. I was stuck in a nightmare and I didn’t know how to escape the torment that I was putting myself through day after day.

It stopped now, though.

I needed to fight the loneliness and become the happy-go-lucky guy I was known for being.

I had to reconnect with the people who knew me. They didn’t need to know the ins and outs of my life story and what had sent me away. All they knew was I had to start laying foundations here and move to a place where I could call home knowing my dad would remain living close by my side. The dynamics and reasonings of how all that would work remained a mystery in my mind but I was going to do my best to figure it out. Checking in and sending Bree the odd text to check in on her and her boy, or Justin and Myles may just be what I need. I can control the responses and the amount of information I share. It’s not like I would have to visit them or anything.

It was time to hold myself accountable and to make some changes.

I vowed that I would live for each moment from now on and at this moment; I was breaking that promise to myself. It was time to deal with the mindset I’d become accustomed to and the emotions flowing within me.

First thing tomorrow I was getting back on my feet; instead of living on my dad’s pay packet any longer, I was going to find a job and pay my way.

It was time Theo Murphy got his A game back.