3. Jesse

CHAPTER 3

Jesse

I glanced around the bedroom once I’d pulled myself to some reasonable state and began to think logically and methodically. I knew I could break down fully once I’d settled myself somewhere, but at this moment I had to think with my head and get out of this place that held so many thoughts and memories. My senses were clouded and overrun with everything linked to Theo and the two of us together, making it impossible to find a clear path in any long-term decision-making. All I knew was that Theo would have to return to finalize the key exchange, I could get people in to finish the final deep clean of the apartment that needed to be done. I didn’t have to be here for that moment though. If he wanted me to be here, he would contact me.

One thing was for certain, though, I knew I couldn’t bear spending the evening in the apartment—wrapped up in the sheets and the bed that only last night we’d shared. I would have to make my way to the hotel with the bare minimum required. Then tomorrow, I’ll take a sick day and contemplate the fact that creating a plan would indeed be in my best interest to deal with the situation. The first step on that list, though, would be gathering my belongings and making the journey to a hotel before then going to my brother’s place the next day.

That was definitely going to be an interesting conversation since it's been around two years since I’ve shown my face. Not from not wanting to, but just more due to the fact we’d both been so occupied with life itself. It wasn’t like we hadn’t made time to find those precious moments to pick up the phone when we could—because we had. I knew I was making excuses when in reality time just kept passing by so quickly. I knew he was always there if I needed him, and I hoped he could say the same about me. The thing was, now I was actually going to be taking those words into action and forcing myself into his world, and that could be a completely different story where everything turned to shit. Well, I guess I’d find out tomorrow after all.

I don’t know why I thought even going to a hotel would be a great idea. It’s not like I got any sleep at all. I should have just cut my losses, packed all my belongings through the night and made the journey to Anthony’s at the crack of dawn instead. I would have at least arrived at his place at a decent hour rather than now it being later on once I’d sorted everything out but deep down in my mind, I knew I had to attempt to get at least a few hours of restless sleep rather than none at all. I couldn’t risk traveling and something happening to me during the journey due to my recklessness of having no sleep and adding additional stresses and worries to the people closest to me. It would be an idiotic act to risk the journey if I didn’t feel that I could manage being behind the wheel for that length of time. That reminded me, as I sucked in a deep breath, I pulled out my phone, loaded up my contacts and the emergency contact details and saw Theo’s name and details staring back at me. My first change I needed to do was press delete and add Anthony instead. A small thing, but a significant change in the scheme of things.

I blocked out the emotions the best I could and focused on the task at hand, pushing myself to get out of the apartment. The sooner I could be on the way to Anthony’s, the better. I needed to feel the wind in my hair and turn the music up to drown out everything else that mattered until I reached my destination. Only then could I allow everything to overcome me, and the pain to take hold fully.

It was late the next day by the time I pulled up outside my brother’s apartment. The journey had taken much longer than anticipated after ensuring I had stopped for regular rest breaks. I grabbed the essentials I needed from the trunk and locked the vehicle up before knocking on the green door loudly, knowing that seeing me on the other side was going to be a surprise he wasn’t expecting. I knew he would be in, as Anthony had become quite the recluse from the sense of our conversations knowing he did the majority of his work from his apartment, either through video call, email or on the phone. His favorite person to talk about and his latest obsession was Hardin Poltin; his business partner or partner in crime as I’d refer to him. I always thought that there was something more between the two of them but nothing ever seemed to materialize. It also seemed that it was a sore subject with Anthony, as whenever I suggested it in passing conversation in our calls, he instantly became guarded and flustered, bumbling his words up and quickly changing the topic. It was the only thing in the world—scrap that person who managed to get him to react that way. In my eyes that spoke volumes, even if he couldn’t see that.

“Jesse!” Anthony answered the door in complete shock, before looking behind me. The moment his gaze peered over my shoulder looking for that additional person my knees shook and I couldn’t hold myself together any longer. I hadn’t realized how much I needed the strength and compassion of my brother to help me through this as the tears flowed down my cheeks and I was uncertain whether I could stop them. “Hey, bro…,” he uttered in confusion, opening the door wider and his arms for me to step into. “Come here and tell me what’s happened?”

I let go of my suitcases and immediately stepped into the warmth of his arms, soaking in the familiar woody scent that I’d missed over the last couple of years and let the sobbed pain erupt from within me as he rubbed my back, comforting me just as he had all the times in the past when I’d needed him.

I sucked in a large breath and swallowed harshly at the words I never thought I would have to say before pulling my head away from his tear-soaked shirt.

“He left me. Theo’s gone and left me, Ant,” I choked out before he pulled me back into his arms and held me tight.

“It’s okay Jes, I’ve got you,” he whispered. “I’ve got you, okay?”

“Okay,” I uttered back, knowing Ant only meant well with his words, but inside my heart, everything felt like the world had ended.

I had so many questions and thoughts… ones that I knew needed dealing with eventually and soon. Like what was I meant to do now with my life? I mean, I’d told my boss I was sick and just left. In the spur of the moment, I’d just decided I couldn’t be around Hope Springs anymore, in case he turned up again. I hadn’t even contacted my friends and told them I wasn’t coming out last night—let alone acknowledged their concerned calls, wondering if everything was okay. I could let the damn device go, and die at this moment for all I cared. It’s not like I needed to use it or anything. At the moment I had gone radio silent and I knew it would raise concerns from the people who knew me if I didn’t make some decisions and fast, but at this moment the only person, I wanted to think about was me.

Deep down though I knew I couldn’t be the selfish person and leave them panicking about me. I knew I had to tell everyone what was happening.

I just didn’t want the sympathy that came with it. I just wanted time to heal alone.