2. Theo

CHAPTER 2

Theo

I t was all like a bad dream… a recurrent episode of my life in which I couldn’t escape until I dealt with what was going on, head on. The thing was, I’d rather have this dream and be stuck in this circle of despair forever, more than actually have to move my feet forward and deal with the future. It would make whatever was to come next seem like a perfect day, and that was saying something.

In my heart I’d gone over and over my options—thinking about the what ifs and maybes, but it had all come down to the same conclusion and ending. I had to stay true to what I believed in and could live with forever more, no matter what happened. Moving forward was the only option whether the outcome was positive or negative. It was a risk sure, but one that in my mind I’d regret deep down.

The idea of what I had to do hadn’t sat easily in the pit of my stomach, but I wasn’t going to send Jesse’s life into turmoil. It was enough of a shock that my own life could have been shaken up as it had been, let alone dragging him through it all with me. It’s why the countdown over the last two weeks, knowing I had to tell him our relationship was over was tearing me apart. I had to be the strong one and not show any sign of weakness because the moment I did, Jesse would cling to that knowledge and start to dig away wanting answers. The thing was there was nothing as yet as I could give him, even if I wanted to.

I wanted to free him from the burden that was about to land upon my life, as I knew I couldn’t dare to look into his deep honey brown eyes and know I’d been the one that had caused him any type of pain at all.

I had to bide my own time until I found out the truth for myself. Until that point, I had to just deal with the pain and heartbreak myself and whatever life had thrown my way. Until then I was dealing with this how I saw fit and that was by letting him have his life as I was no way even if there was a remote chance of my health issues potentially being the severity of what the tests are being conducted for. Jesse deserved everything and not this strain especially after what I’d seen in my life already.

I just wish I could have done the same for my dad too, but I needed somebody to talk to and lean on and he’d understood my thought process of why I’d done this, even if he didn’t agree with it. I was his son, after all and I knew he’d do the same thing in a heartbeat.

We were both compassionate and thoughtful people through and through. We would rather take the pain tenfold ourselves, than inflict even an ounce of it on another person if we ever had to in our lives. It was moments like these, though, when it meant weighing up the odds, and the chance of something detrimental, like what was happening to me, could map out my whole future and mean inflicting pain on everyone I loved and cared about. It meant I had no choice in the decisions I had to make today.

The broken heart of the man I loved was the best outcome in the reality of what could come in the long term. I just needed to get through the rest of today, talk to my dad, and find out if this large lump was something to be seriously worried about or not.

Only time would tell…

I’d counted the time this journey had taken to get to my dad’s—when it had been standstill traffic, during torrential rain and a thunderstorm so severe that broke the branches of ‘old red’, the large tree that grew out back in the garden and smashed through my dad’s bedroom window. Today, I was counting down the minutes I had left until I pulled up, hoping that something would delay us. I wanted him to have the additional time knowing everything was normal and fine before I dropped this huge bomb on him. I’d always had it in my mind and hoped that the next time I pulled up here it would be hand in hand with Jesse to reveal our relationship, even though I think deep down my dad suspected for a long time that we were more than the close friends I told him we were by the amount of time he spent here. Now though I couldn’t even tell him about my broken heart and had to suffer with that all alone all because of my worries. It’s all worthless concerns now when I think about it in retrospect compared to the bigger picture which is now staring back at me.

He was sharp and witty. A guy of his time and the moment he bore witness to my unprecedented arrival the questions would be adding up until he finally had all the pieces of the puzzle in front of him. Then and only then could he work out how he could solve the problem and deal with it.

The moment the cab pulled up to the curb outside my dad’s house, I paid the driver giving him a good tip for his help before getting out and heading around to the trunk to grab my luggage. I closed the trunk shut before giving him a wave in his mirrors indicating I was done and he could be on his way. I let out a long sigh as I glanced up at the clear blue skies above as I allowed a single tear to drip down my cheek.

“No Jesse with you, son?” my dad hollered from across the yard, startling me from my thoughts as I quickly swept the tear away from my cheek. “You two are joined at the hip normally. It’s strange not seeing him by your side. Where is he?” he continued before running his hand down his beard and furrowing his brow as he headed down the path toward me. “What’s with all the luggage?” he uttered, suddenly. “Son, is everything okay?”

“Let’s get these cases inside shall we and then I’ll get us a drink each?” I stated as I grabbed the two handles of my cases in one hand and wheeled them standing up straight toward my dad’s broad frame. I schooled my features the best I could, hoping I could at least keep my cool out in the open as I glanced over at the twitching curtains of Mrs. Hitches at number ten. I knew I’d be the talk of the neighborhood if I didn’t get my ass through that door before allowing myself to break down, or before allowing my dad’s inquisition to take hold. “Come on, I’m sure you have a six pack in the fridge? I’ll get these in and let you get off those feet and grab us one each.”

“Now I know there's something wrong.” My dad pried before pausing as he scoured my face for a clue from me. “You hate having a beer with me. You’d rather have a dash of something stronger and never at this time. Stop beating around and just spill it will ya, Theo?”

“Using my name now, huh!” I retorted, slapping him on the shoulder. “I’ll reveal all once we’re away from prying eyes,” I whispered with a sharp nod, squeezing his shoulder and hoping that he got the hint to lead the way inside. “As for a drink though, I’ll take anything you’ve got to offer.” I chuckled. “We are both going to need it,” I mouthed under my breath.

I knew there was delaying a situation and then there’s full-on avoiding a person. When my dad decided he needed to come and find me rather than continue waiting for me, I soon began to realize how long I’d been keeping him waiting. As I sat in my old childhood bedroom with a bottle of strong stuff in my hand. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the two beers I had told him I was bringing him forty minutes earlier. His presence instantly soothed me.

“I wondered where you’d got to. Are you ready to talk to me yet or do I need to find Jesse’s number and call him?” he questioned me as he rested his arm against the door jam. “I’m happy to wait if you need me but I know you son and this isn’t like you. Just spit it out and then we can deal with it.”

I brought the bottle of liquor to my lips and took another swig before letting out a large hiss as the alcohol burned down the back of my throat. I lowered my head in the process, knowing I couldn’t see the moment I broke my dad’s heart, too. I’d done enough of that for one day.

“I found a lump...” I started. “I…” I choked out as my dad’s feet scuffled on the floor next to me and he dropped onto the bed next to me, reaching for my hand. “Like Uncle Mike…” I swallowed back harshly. “I have an appointment with my physician tomorrow for a biopsy to…”

“Son…,” my dad firmly said, as his voice attempted to hold strong and steady, stopping the wobble from expelling into the air and making the two of us crack under the emotions. “I’m here. It’s going to be fine. Trust me. You’re not Uncle Mike. You are my son and I know that you are cautious and meticulous… you would have sought out your physician at the first sign of noticing anything.”

I nodded at my dad’s words. He did know me so well.

I wasn’t someone to play around or joke about it, especially after the journey and what happened with Uncle Mike.

“It’s just…” I whispered as I lifted my head knowing I was baring all my emotions that I had tried so hard to hide away from my dad. I sniffed hard hoping the tears within my eyes remained there and didn’t fall onto my cheeks. As the moment they started, I was unsure I could stop them. “I didn’t want to tie anyone down with my problems.”

“You mean Jesse.” Dad chuckled as I nodded to him.

“Especially him,” I retorted back, trying my best to regain my composure as I took another swig of the harsh liquor. “He’s just a good friend. I couldn’t add that type of burden…”

“Theo, if that’s what you want to call him then that’s fine with me, but I think we both know that friend isn’t the word you’d like to use for him,” he stated, wrapping his arm around me and squeezing tight. “It wouldn’t matter to me whatever term you used for him, but I will say I wish you hadn’t pushed him away. You’re going to need every person you can imagine in your corner going forward no matter the direction these results go.” He sighed loudly. “Jesse, could have supported you, just like me.”

“I couldn’t tear him apart though. I couldn’t see him wither away,” I admitted to him. “I don’t want him to know anything about this and what’s going on, Dad. Promise me…,” I pleaded with him as he reached for the bottle and took it out of my hand before placing it down by his side on the floor. “I came to you as I know you will help me through this, Dad. I need you.”

“I know, son. I know,” he uttered, pulling me into his chest. “I’ve got you son; don’t you worry about that. No matter the result.”