1. Jesse

CHAPTER 1

Jesse

I f there was an award for someone having the world’s fastest shower, then I would have been hands down in the lead for taking that trophy after this morning's antics. I’m not even sure how, in my warped mind, I ever thought I’d have time to jump in and out as well as make myself presentable, for the day ahead would even happen. I nearly applied shaving gel to my hair as I was tired, thankfully noticing the color of the gel in my hands and rinsing it off as fast as I applied it. Thank fuck I did, as otherwise trying to get that rinsed out of my hair would have been a hell of a job.

I now realize, though, that taking that shower this morning meant having to knock back on the presentable side and sort myself out on the go. I didn’t even have time to rub my hard-on out in the shower thanks to my sexy guy’s wandering hands exploring, without thought, during the night. I’d get him back for it. It was going to be a hellish day. Having to imagine the way he last made me explode in his mouth as he stared into my eyes, unable to break that penetrating gaze with me. Thinking about it… it’s been a while since we’d managed to get some time alone together without some sort of interruption arising.

I don’t know how it had even reached a quarter past seven already. I just couldn’t believe where the day had gone. I left the apartment at six am this morning, rushing out of the door at the crack of dawn, with my tie half thrown on and my shirt untucked, knowing I’d have to sort myself out as I made my way to the office. At least one positive was that the streets around were still mainly deserted at this time and couldn’t see my bumbling mess of a self. I somehow had the wishful thinking that I’d be back around four, as usual, but today had not gone to plan at all and whatever could go wrong in the day had. It had just been one fuck up after another. It was as if the universe could tell that I’d planned my day out and wanted to screw with me. I’d told myself at the start of the day that I’d make sure I pop to the store on my lunch hour but when the time came around, I was lucky to grab ten minutes and get a bite to eat, let alone head for groceries. I thought if I came in earlier in the morning maybe I could still leave on time after all the work would be done. However, as the day passed on, I soon began to realize that I’d have to come in early anyway with the workload, which was still left to do. It seemed that it was going to be that type of week for me, after all.

So, when I walked out of the office doors and noticed the hue of the sun starting to fade already, I let out a large sigh as I was finally able to loosen the stifling tightness of my tie around my neck wondering how the hell I’d ended up in this position. Only a few years earlier, I’d been growing and adapting my world with the love of my life in the great outdoors as we spent our time in the wilderness together. The thing is, we both knew that as we grew older, we’d need stability in our lives and decided to try to find some routes we could go and access together. It was on days like this I wished we’d decided against the practicalities in life and thought of only ourselves.

I reached for my cell out of my pocket and noticed the missed call and voicemail waiting for me. I called through and listened to the message, smiling at the sound of Justin’s voice down the line and Myles chattering in the background. It was the break from the here and now and the confirmation that the two of us needed to get back on track.

Now I just needed to get these groceries bought and home before surprising my sexy guy with tonight’s plan.

“Theo,” I called out to him. “Justin and Myles left me a message asking if the two of us are free tonight for a drink. Did they call you, man?” I asked him as I pushed the front door of our apartment open and kept it prised open with my foot as I slipped the keys into the back pocket of my jeans before gathering up the grocery bags that I’d propped up against the wall. “Theo,” I shouted out again. “Did you hear me? They said Bree even managed to get a sitter and?—”

I’d seen his work boots in their normal position at the entrance, so I knew he was home. Was he sulking, as I hadn’t sent him a message to let him know that I’d be coming back later than normal tonight? In hindsight, I should have let him know I was going to be late. After all, he could have been worried about where I was.I knew if the roles had been reversed than I would have been.

Normally when I came home, he would have answered me or at least made his presence known if he was busy. The moment I entered the open plan living room, I noticed two suitcases in the middle of the room, which were packed. I knew something was going on.

I walked over and dropped the grocery bags on the kitchen counter top, looking out into the large open space, unfazed at the fact of the fresh items that could spoil inside of them. I took a large influx of breath, trying to steady myself, knowing that I needed it to face Theo and whatever he wanted to say to me. My heart started to race in my chest with each step I took as I heard noises coming from the back of the apartment where our bedroom was.

If I was honest with myself, I had seen a change lately in him, but I just thought he had a lot going on. I didn’t actually think that there was something wrong, or worse still, a larger problem potentially going on. It makes me think about how blind and oblivious I could have been in our lives.

I cleared my throat as I pushed open the door to our bedroom, making my presence aware.

“Theo,” I cautiously began as I saw a pile of my shirts draped over his arm, “I—what is going on?” I stumbled as my lip quivered at the sight before me. “Talk to me,” I whispered. “I?—”

“Jesse.” His voice broke before he cleared his throat and lifted his steely gaze to meet mine. “I’m going to head away for a few weeks. Visit my family,” Theo started. “I’ve not seen them in a while.”

“Give me a minute—” I began as he held his hand up. I instantly covered my mouth, fighting the nauseous sensation that had overtaken me. This surely wasn’t happening. Theo wasn’t thinking about leaving me. We were happy. We’re in love.

I watched the way Theo’s jaw ticked as if he was fighting against himself before he lifted his head up high and bit down hard on his lip.

“I’ve spoken to the landlord and told him that I won’t be renewing the lease of the apartment after this month.” He stated firmly as my mouth dropped open as I slowly processed the words. “I thought as I’d sorted my bags, I’d start to unpack some of my cupboard space. I found these of yours in there?—”

“You’re visiting your family?” I asked in confusion, taking a step toward him. “Theo, you’ve given notice on our apartment without even consulting me?” I blurted out, fighting back the wobble in my voice. “Are you coming back or?—”

“Jesse, you need someone better than me,” Theo started. “Can you honestly tell me you haven’t seen the strain between us lately?” He queried as he placed my shirts down on the bed. “People grow apart and that's fine, but we have to deal with that, and I can’t be the person to hold you back. We’re two different people now. We want very different things. I want to remain the shy reserved guy who doesn’t have people knowing this side of him. I understand that isn’t you though, and I want you to have the world.”

“But—you wanted our friends to know,” I choked out as Theo closed the space between us. My heart shattered into pieces knowing that this was it. He would never touch me again. He would never kiss me again. We would never share the same space or our bed. I was lost and all alone without the one man who made me feel complete. “I?—”

“Jesse you’ll be fine. I know it. Justin and Myles will keep my secret but I don’t want to have to think about who I am all the time. I prefer a quiet life. I’m going to call a cab,” Theo uttered rapidly like he had to get the words off his chest as his gaze dropped from mine for a moment.

“I never said we had to tell everyone…,” I started. “Theo, you know I wouldn’t make you uncomfortable ever. You said.”

“Yes, I know but after two years, changes were needed. I realize that and I’m not naive, Jesse,” he countered back at me, his jaw set firm as his hand moved to the back of his neck and he started to rub it roughly. “I can’t be that guy. I can’t. Okay,” he declared. “Don’t be a stranger, alright?” he whispered as if a confirmation to himself, before brushing his arm against mine as he rushed past me and out of the bedroom door.

I sucked in deep large breaths as the emotions took hold of me. I wanted to run after him; chase him even, but I knew Theo was a guy who was opinionated and set in his ways. If he was determined about something then nothing would deter him from seeing it through; not even me.

I couldn’t bear to turn around and watch him leave knowing that I would probably try and stop him if I did. So I concentrated on my breathing, knowing that was the only constant at this moment until I heard the door open and the wheels of the cases being pulled along. The moment the door shut, my body crumbled, and my knees gave way and the of course the tears fell.

I’d lost him. My one true love without a real reason why. He’d turned me into a broken soul with no desire or reason to believe I was worthy of a man's heart any longer. He’d ripped it right out of my chest and destroyed it.

I glanced at the shirts on the bed and pulled them into my arms as I dragged them to my nose, trying to suck in Theo’s aftershave and what remained of him and thought about what I was going to do next.

I knew there was only one person I could turn to now: my brother Anthony.