Chapter 39

Louisabegan her fixing with none other than Killik himself.

"What's something you and Sune like to do here together?" she asked him, without preamble, once he'd looked up from his own prayers beside her. "Some kind of interest you share, something you won't argue about?"

Killikeyed her with distinct wariness, but then shot a brief glance up at Skai-kesh, and shrugged. "Sparring, or throwing knives, mayhap," he said. "In the arena."

Louisagave a decisive nod, and then waved him toward the corridor. "Then you need to go find Sune, and if he's well enough, you ask him to do that," she said flatly. "He went through a horrible ordeal with Rikard yesterday, and he seemed very upset about Ulfarr last night, too. So you need to go stand beside him, and reassure him, and remind him that you care about him. Remind him that you'll always be here for him, no matter what."

Killikblinked at her, clearly nonplussed — and Louisa gripped at the odd comfort of her knife-hilt at her side, and then yanked it out, pointed it at him for good measure. "You will do this now, Killik," she hissed. "And also, for the foreseeable future, you need to make it repeatedly, excessively clear to Sune that you didn't just adopt him for Ulfarr. You need to make it clear to him that you fully consider him your son, too. And if that's not actually the case, then you should damn well seek the forgiveness on offer" — she jabbed her knife at Skai-kesh — "and then take that secret to your grave."

Killikkept blinking at her, his head tilting, his hand fidgeting with his own dagger, too. "Ach, ach, well enough, woman," he said, and though his tone was exasperated, that might have been guilt in his eyes. "And whilst I am off sparring with Sune, what shall you do?"

Therewas an unmistakable challenge on his voice, and Louisa didn't balk from it, just kept gazing back toward him, her eyes steady. "I have a few confidential matters to address here, alone," she said firmly. "Without you, and without Ulfarr. And then, I'm going home."

Killikblinked again, once, but otherwise stayed still for a long, silent moment, his eyes locked on hers. But when he finally exhaled, glanced away, she could almost feel his comprehension, and then his capitulation, passing silent but certain between them. Maybe even his permission.

Becauseif Louisa didn't try to fight this, to fix this, it would be over anyway. Wouldn't it? And as an outsider, as an expendable and unwanted interloper, she had freedoms that Killik and Ulfarr didn't have. She could take their burdens on herself, and do her best to help them, even if she never saw them again. She could face this, and seek forgiveness. Amends. Peace. Maybe not even for them, or for Ulfarr, for… for herself.

"I would be grateful if you could say goodbye to Sune for me, and give him my best wishes for a quick recovery," she said, as she jerked to her feet beside the bench. "And please tell UlfarrI had a wonderful time, too. And that I — I'll write him a letter, maybe. And leave it with Halthorr at the camp."

Killik'seyes flicked back to hers, and his throat bobbed, his breath inhaling. But then he rose to his feet, spun away from her, turning toward the door —

Andthen — he hesitated. Turned back. And before Louisa had caught it, seen it, he grasped for her chin, drew her forward, and… kissed her.

Itwas light, brief, barely a brush of breath, but he'd done it, he'd done it. And oh, Louisa could still taste him, could feel the roughness of his lips, the sweetness of his breath, the soft scrape of his claws on her chin.

"I…" he said, husky, as he drew back again, and briefly met her eyes. "Thank you, Louisa."

Thank you, Louisa. It seemed to hang there, shimmering and tangling with that still-lingering taste of him, deep and dizzying on her lips. AndLouisa couldn't speak into it, couldn't break it, could only twitch a shaky nod toward him. And when he nodded back, it was curt, decisive, almost like… almost like a farewell.

Hedidn't speak again as he left, just striding from the room with his back very straight, his dagger gripped in his fist. And as Louisa watched him go, she couldn't deny the stinging behind her eyes, the quiver on her mouth. Maybe this was still over. Maybe it was still farewell. Maybe she would never see him again.

Butshe could — try. She could square her shoulders, grip her knife, take one last look at Skai-kesh's watching, knowing eyes. And then she could take a breath, draw up strength from the earth, and walk out the door.

"Could you help me find Jule?" she asked the first orc she saw in the corridor, a Skai she vaguely recalled meeting the day before. "I'm supposed to meet with her today."

Thankfully, the orc didn't seem at all disconcerted by this request, and waved Louisa after him up the corridor. Toward the Ash-Kai wing, perhaps, the floor tilting higher, the corridors broadening and brightening. And when the orc stopped outside a room, and nodded toward it, she profusely thanked him, and strode inside without looking. Into — a meeting?

Butyes, it seemed to be a meeting in progress, with a handful of attendees all seated on the floor around a low table. There was Jule, leaning into a large, heavily scarred orc — her mate, surely — and flanking them were two unfamiliar orcs, one lean and grey and severe, one broad and green and genial-looking. And there was a smiling Rosa, too, with a large stack of papers in front of her, and her handsome mate John-Ka by her side.

Butnearest to the door, on this side of the table, there was — Simon, and Maria. Both of them glancing back toward Louisa, Maria with palpable unease, Simon with dark, settled solemnity.

"Louisa!" Jule exclaimed, into the sudden silence, as she leapt to her feet. "I'm so glad you're up. You'll come join us, won't you?"

Louisablinked, as a distant whirling part of her brain pointed out that she'd perhaps walked straight into them discussing this situation, discussing her — but then there was the vision of Skai-kesh again, the echo of Killik's words. He shall guide us to amends, and peace.

SoLouisa nodded, and thanked Jule, and smiled as Jule introduced her to the orcs she hadn't yet met. First was the big scarred orc, who indeed turned out to be Jule's mate Grimarr, the captain of the entire mountain. Next was the genial green orc, who was named Baldr, from ClanGrisk, and the severe grey orc — Louisa's attention sharpened on his face — was Drafli, of ClanSkai. Surely the same Drafli who Killik had mentioned, the Drafli who served as the Skai'sRightHand. One of those traditional Skai leadership positions, together with the Enforcer.

Draflididn't speak to Louisa when Jule introduced them, but instead briefly touched his fist to his bare chest. It was the sign Louisa now knew to be the standard Skai greeting, so she signed it back to him, and then flattened her hand to say thank you. Earning in return a brief rise of Drafli's eyebrows, as if he was surprised, or maybe even impressed.

Itwas something, something Louisa needed to cling to in this, because if she was going to make any headway here, she needed to convince this Drafli — as well as Simon and Maria, and likely the rest of them, as well. And she needed to stay focused, to make a clear case, to show them she wasn't an enemy, but a friend. So she signed another thank you, and then sat down beside Maria, and drew in a deep breath.

"If you're all willing, I'd like to discuss the Skai camp on my lands," she said, before anyone else could speak. "I understand the camp is a tactical advantage for you, isn't it? And a support for your women and sons, and a shelter and safe stopping place for travellers, as well."

Therewere a few exchanged glances around the table, and then Jule cleared her throat, and nodded. "Yes, of course," she replied. "ManySkai prefer the camps, and it's to all our benefit to have reliable outposts that can pass on information, guard our own lands around the mountain, and support our strategic priorities as needed."

Louisashot Jule a grateful smile, and drew in another breath. "I'm glad to hear it," she said, "because the camp is a benefit to me, too. The financial support has been very helpful, and the Skai there have kept us fed, and made multiple improvements to my property. However, as we discussed yesterday" — another smile toward Jule, more wavering this time — "the orcs' presence has also led to some… conflicts, especially with my neighbour, LordRikard. He's trespassed on my property, made multiple threats, and put up dangerous traps on his borders — one of which severely hurt an orc child yesterday."

Noone at the table seemed surprised by any of this, suggesting that Jule had shared it all already — so Louisa kept at it, speaking faster now. "I want to support the camp," she said firmly. "I want to face and address these risks, and ensure the camp's security and long-term viability on my property. However" — another deep breath — "I need support. I need to have people I can trust close at hand. And respectfully, I would like to have Killik and Ulfarr. Permanently."

Andyes, that was it, Simon's brow deeply furrowing, Drafli's mouth pursing, Rosa's eyes widening, and Jule darting an uneasy look toward Simon and Maria. "Of course we understand that, Louisa," Jule finally said, with a wincing half-smile. "Especially since you've recently become, er, close with Killik and Ulfarr both. But there are a few challenges there, you understand, and…"

"Yes, I understand perfectly," Louisa said, maybe louder than was warranted. "I understand that Ulfarr has been convicted of several serious crimes, and is still serving his sentence. However, I'd still like to make this request, based on his good behaviour, and his good work at the camp. His good work with me."

Therewas more silence, more raised brows and exchanged looks around the table, and Louisa drew in more breath. "Along with all Ulfarr's work at the camp, and on my property," she continued, "he has been a great help to me, personally. I'm not sure how much you've heard of my deceased husband, or my dealings with LordKaspar afterwards, but I have" — she drew in another breath, more shaky this time — "I have struggled. AndI've been — very lonely, and very uncomfortable with men, and with my past, for a long time. AndUlfarr —"

Ohgods, was she really going to say this, was she going to announce this to all these orcs she'd just met, to the leaders of Killik and Ulfarr's clan — but yes, yes, she was. She was alive. She was whole. She was speaking her truth.

"Ulfarr has been — wonderful," she said, her voice hitching. "He's been so respectful toward me. So patient, and so careful, and so kind. He's made me feel so — safe. At — peace. In a way I haven't felt in a long, long time."

Herthoughts flashed back to Skai-kesh again, to that promise of peace, and it was enough that she could draw in a breath, keep speaking to all those watching, judging eyes. "Ulfarr and I both entered this — relationship — on the understanding that it was only for a limited time. It wasn't meant to be a permanent agreement, and I certainly wasn't ever planning to become his — mate. So" — another deep breath — "if you feel it's best that our personal relationship doesn't continue, under the terms of his sentencing, I will honour that. However, I still would prefer to have Ulfarr and Killik at the camp, over any others. I would still feel — safer. More prepared to defend the camp, and face Rikard, and whatever else might come."

Therewas another moment's silence, Jule briefly meeting the eyes of her mate beside her. "We certainly realize that Rikard needs careful handling," she said, "and we're very grateful to you for all your support. So we'd be happy to provide you with ongoing support and intelligence in return, and protection, as well. Perhaps from a dedicated team of scouts and warriors?"

Louisa'ssmile felt genuine, truly grateful, even as she shook her head. "I do appreciate that," she replied, "but with all due respect, I still would prefer Killik and Ulfarr. Killik is extremely observant, an excellent scenter and hunter, and hyper-aware of his surroundings. And" — she drew in a breath — "Ulfarr is well able to manage difficult situations and circumstances, and he commands the loyalty of multiple Skai who are already at the camp. Skai who will work to support him and his goals."

Shewas glancing around the table now, her eyes pleading on her listeners' faces — but most of the orcs' expressions were inscrutable, impossible to assess. WhileJule was looking thoughtful, Rosa sympathetic, and Maria perhaps… suspicious.

"Look, it's understandable that you'd feel… partial, toward Ulfarr," Maria said now, her voice decisive in the silence. "But his crimes against the clan were still very severe. And you can't discount the undeniable truth that he stands to gain significantly from a permanent move to the camp — and from behaving kindly toward you, and earning your trust. And having you advocate for him like this."

Shewas accusing Ulfarr of having ulterior motives, of using Louisa to escape his punishment — and while Louisa couldn't fathom Ulfarr consciously doing that, she still made herself follow it, consider the premise of it. "That's a fair point," she said slowly. "But to my understanding, earning the trust and forgiveness of the clan is an integral part of Ulfarr's punishment. So if he's serious about his rehabilitation, wouldn't he therefore seek to treat women well, and serve the clan where he knows he can make the most positive impact, with people he knows and trusts?"

Mariadidn't immediately counter that, so Louisa drew in another breath, pushed on again. "And given Ulfarr's history here" — she gave a vague wave toward Maria and Simon — "it makes sense that he would prefer to live elsewhere, doesn't it? I deeply respect your decision to offer him a chance at rehabilitation, rather than more permanent punishments, but I can't imagine it's been easy for any of you to keep living together as part of it, has it? For either him, or you."

Mariaand Simon exchanged a brief, speaking look, and maybe they were considering it, maybe. And maybe Louisa was going to ruin it now, but she had to keep going, keep trying, please. "AndI don't mean any disrespect by this," she added, "but if you truly are still committed to rehabilitation, I personally don't see how the pain requirement of Ulfarr's sentence is — helpful. I can't see how it encourages him to move forward, or keep pursuing positive change, if he's constantly hurting. Especially with something that's tied so deeply to pleasure, and seemingly to your culture as well, and —"

ButJule had suddenly waved a hand toward Louisa, her brows drawn sharply together. "What do you mean, the pain requirement?" she demanded. "Is that an ongoing part of Ulfarr's judgement?"

Hereyes darted toward Simon, who was also frowning, his gaze flicking back to Louisa. "I ken it was, at the start of this," he said, in his deep steady voice. "We did not wish to grant Ulfarr swift and easy healing, and thus lessen the weight of his wrongs. But he has long ago healed now, for this was mayhap three summers past, ach?"

Butbeside him, Maria's face had paled, and she gripped at Simon's arm. "ButSimon," she said, low. "Did you ever grant Ulfarr permission to go to Efterar, after that? I mean, I know orc healing is usually much better than humans', but…"

Shewinced, and her other hand dropped to her own knife, belted to her side. AndSimon's eyes followed the movement, his head tilting. "No, I ken not," he said slowly. "ButUlfarr has not once asked, nor spoken of this."

Right. Louisa's smile felt more like a grimace, and she twitched a shrug. "But of course you can see why he wouldn't, right?" she asked. "He wants to earn this from you, and fairly win back his place in the clan. He would never want to be seen as needy, or weak, or unable to bear the punishment you deemed suitable for him. The punishment he's required to bear, in order to regain his place among you."

Simonlooked genuinely unsettled, glancing sideways toward Maria's uneasy eyes, so Louisa kept going, faster now. "ButI can assure you, he is in pain," she said flatly. "And it seems to affect him in multiple deeply unpleasant ways. I personally think it's very commendable that he's done as much as he has, and been such a good father to Sune, while dealing with apparently unnecessary agony for years on end."

Thedisapproval was too sharp-edged in her voice now, veering toward anger, or even contempt. And damn it, she couldn't risk ruining this, not now, not when they were maybe, maybe considering it — so she shoved up to her feet, and attempted a smile toward them.

"Of course it's your decision," she said, "and I'll respect whatever you decide. But" — her voice was hardening again, all on its own — "I hope you'll also acknowledge and respect the fact that the camp is still on my land. And my feelings about it being there long-term may very well change, depending on my assessment of the safety of me and my household!"

Thewords swung out strong and certain between them, very much like — a threat. Because it was a threat, Louisa had just threatened all these people — including her generous friends — with shutting down the camp if she didn't get her way on this. And damn it, she wasn't even going to take it back, she was just going to stand there and glare at them, with her hand on her knife — and she scarcely managed to sign a curt thank you before spinning around, and stalking toward the door.

Butthen she halted, gripped her knife, drew in breath from the earth. And then she slowly turned around, and faced this, one more time.

"If nothing else," she said, "you should come see the camp. You should see for yourselves the good work Ulfarr has done there. I would be happy to do my utmost to make your stay comfortable. It would be — an honour."

Withthat, she signed another swift thank-you, and then spun around, and left. Walking down the corridor with unsteady steps, her hands twitching, her heartbeat thundering in her ears. Because damn it, even despite that invitation at the end, she'd threatened them. She'd done so well, she'd kept so calm, and then she'd gone and threatened them.

Butshe couldn't seem to turn around again, either, and she kept striding forward, gripping her sweaty hand at her knife. No, she hadn't been kind, but she'd still been — honest. She'd spoken truth. She'd done her best to make amends, and to repay the kindness — and the peace — Ulfarr and Killik had shown her. To gain them peace in return.

Andeven if that was the wrong decision, even if she never saw them again, it still felt — right. Right in the same way her clothes had, the same way the camp had, the same way her pleasure with Killik and Ulfarr had. Right the way it had even felt praying to Skai-kesh. Repentance. Amends. Peace.

Soshe focused on moving, escaping, aiming in what she hoped was the general direction of the front entrance — but yes, that corridor looked familiar, and so did that one. And a short time later, Louisa was striding out of the mountain into the bright mid-morning sun, and dragging in deep breaths of the cool clear air.

She'dsurvived OrcMountain. She'd faced it, and done her best. And now — another deep breath, into the earth at her feet — she was going home.