Chapter 38

Louisaspent the night with Killik and Ulfarr in the bed, curled up close against Ulfarr's solid, snoring body.

Itshouldn't have been easy to sleep like that, after all the confusing chaos of that endless day — but once she'd gone and cleaned up in a nearby latrine, she'd found herself utterly exhausted, rubbing at her aching eyes as she'd staggered back into the room. AndKillik had taken one look at her, and sharply ordered her into the bed.

"You really — don't mind?" Louisa had asked, blinking her bleary eyes at him. "Is it — your bed?"

She'dcast a searching look around the room, which she'd scarcely noticed until now — but it was a small, sparse room, furnished only with the large bed and several sturdy wooden chests. ButKillik had irritably waved her toward the bed, and then nudged Ulfarr toward it, too.

"No, it is Wolf's bed," he'd said. "But he does not mind if we share it, ach, Wolf?"

Ulfarrhad shaken his head, and he'd even reached for Louisa's hand, drawing her closer. And once they'd settled down together on the soft fur, Ulfarr had tucked Louisa close into his side, and then settled Killik down into his other side, too, before pulling another large, heavy fur over them.

Andeven amidst Ulfarr's low, steady snoring, all the night through, Louisa had perhaps never slept so long, or so deep. What with the soft fur above and below her, and the warm solid safety of Ulfarr's strong body against her. And there was even something about the truth of Killik lying there too, sprawled easy and familiar over Ulfarr, his arm brushing hers.

WhenLouisa's full awareness returned, what felt like a long time later, the room was still dark, and Ulfarr was still lightly snoring beneath her. But there was just enough light from the lamplit corridor to illuminate the sight of Killik, still sprawled across from Louisa on Ulfarr's other side. His face looked so different in sleep, almost peaceful, though his black lashes occasionally fluttered against his cheek. And he even still had one of his daggers out, his clawed fingers loosely wrapped around it, its blade resting casually against the fur, dangerously close to Ulfarr's throat.

Butif either of them were concerned by this, they certainly weren't showing it. And as Louisa blinked toward them in the shadows, it occurred to her hazy brain that this was surely familiar to them both. Something they'd done many, many times before.

Thatthought seemed to catch, circling, and Louisa kept letting it spin, holding her gaze on Killik's sleeping face. Killik and Ulfarr… cared for each other. And they clearly had for a very long time, to the point where they'd adopted a son together.

Buteven so, it felt like much of last night had still been… new, for them both. The way they'd looked, when Ulfarr had signed those heated words at Killik. WhenUlfarr had thanked Killik for his kindness. When he'd spoken so fondly of Killik's temper, and his daggers, and his fierceness, and his loyalty.

Ithad obviously meant something to Killik, more than he'd wanted to admit. It had meant enough that he'd looked shocked, and maybe even afraid, even as his desire for it had been far, far too clear.

Andas Louisa kept watching Killik's sleeping face, she wondered if maybe — maybe that distance between them was related to Ulfarr's past, too. Or even to those vows Ulfarr had apparently made, as part of his punishment. He swore he would not seek to gain a mate.

Whichmeant… Ulfarr couldn't take Killik as a mate, either.

Andhad Killik… wanted that? Had that been something he'd hoped to gain, by helping Ulfarr? By supporting him the way he had, helping him earn the forgiveness of the clan…

Butcould Ulfarr ever gain forgiveness? Should he? Even if he had fully believed he'd been making the right choices, even if he'd agonized over those choices, his actions had still been abominable, his oversights maybe insurmountable. His failings had led to true and lasting harm for others, and Louisa couldn't suppress her cold shudder at the thought of how terrified Maria must have been, to be kidnapped by a huge, powerful orc from her mate's own clan.

Louisaswallowed, and shot an uneasy look up at Ulfarr's still-sleeping face. He looked peaceful now too, his hard features distinctly softened — but the scars were still just as stark, cut deep and plentiful into his skin. And he had so many scars, he'd suffered so much, he hadn't healed for a half a year, Killik had said…

Louisawinced and dropped her gaze again, back to Killik — and then startled as one of his eyes squinted open. "If you ken I cannot feel you watching me, woman," he said, his voice hoarse with sleep, "you are again an even greater fool than I thought you."

Louisarolled her eyes at him, but her exhale felt almost relieved. "I didn't want to wake him," she replied, quiet, darting another glance up at where Ulfarr still seemed to be sleeping — for now, at least. "Is it morning?"

Killiknodded and yawned, stretching his lean body long against Ulfarr's. "Do not fret about waking Wolf, for he could sleep through a pitched battle. It is the one gain of ruined scenting and unhealed wounds, I ken."

Hisvoice was rueful, but his glance up at Ulfarr was sympathetic, almost sad. And again Louisa was caught in all this, trapped in the miserable mess of it, all that pain and darkness and grief.

"So speak, then, woman," cut in Killik's voice, as his foot kicked at hers beneath the fur. "What is it."

Louisashot a wary look toward him, but that wasn't mockery in his watching eyes. If anything, he still just looked tired, and resigned. As if — as if maybe he still expected her to condemn Ulfarr, reject Ulfarr, and leave.

ButLouisa drew in a slow breath, drew up the strength of the bed beneath her, just as Killik had taught her. "Do you think," she began, breathed again. "Do you think some sins are unforgivable? Do you think wrongdoers can never be — redeemed?"

Itwasn't at all what she'd meant to ask, or was it, and Killik's head raised to look at her, even as his shoulder twitched a shrug. "Some, mayhap," he said slowly. "ButI ken it hinges upon the acts, and what drove them. And then, after, the repentance, and the amends."

Theacts, and what drove them. The repentance. The amends. Louisa let out her breath, fought through her twisting, tangled thoughts. WhileKillik kept watching her like that, a crease deepening between his brows. As if he might have caught something in that, as if he might even ask…

Butno. No. This was about Ulfarr, it had nothing to do with Louisa, she was forgetting that, escaping that, LordScall was dead…

"And do you think," Louisa added, too quickly, "Ulfarr should be forgiven? Do you think" — another breath — "he's done enough to repent? To make amends?"

Killik'smouth thinned, his eyes flicking beyond her. "I ken he has done more than enough," he said flatly. "More than he ever ought to have borne. But my wishes" — a hard little laugh — "are not the clan's."

Louisastudied him for another breath, fought to follow that glimmer of anger in his eyes and his voice. "And what is the current… perspective toward Ulfarr, then, within the clan?" she asked carefully. "Does he still have any support?"

"Ach, some," Killik replied, low. "All of his old pack yet stands behind him, and yet many more yet remember his care toward them. But" — he jerked another shrug — "they all watched Simon destroy him, ach? They saw his pain and his weakness and his shame, lain bare before all the clan. And none of them would wish to draw this upon themselves, or those they care for."

Right. Louisa drew in more breath, kept searching through the muddle of her thoughts. "And what about Simon himself, then?" she asked. "You said you still think he's a good leader — so is there any way of making amends with him? I mean, he must have made a few concessions toward Ulfarr after all that, right? If nothing else, he would have allowed you to adopt Sune, right?"

Thequestion of Sune had been increasingly nagging at the back of Louisa's thoughts, because if Simon really saw Ulfarr as an ongoing danger, he wouldn't have allowed Ulfarr to adopt Sune, right? He wouldn't have trusted him to raise a child?

ButKillik barked another brittle laugh, and shook his head. "Ach, Simon is a good leader, but I ken he has not yet forgiven Wolf's sins, and mayhap never will," he replied, clipped. "And thus — no. Simon would not have allowed Wolf to adopt Sune, but for me, and but for Sune himself."

Louisablinked, not following again, and Killik sighed, glanced up toward Ulfarr's sleeping face. "Before all this came about, Wolf had kept watch over Sune for many, many summers," he said. "Sune's blood-father was not well, and they did not live at the mountain. SoWolf oft went and fed Sune, and gave him clothes and goods, and taught him to sign and track and hunt. And once Wolf was wounded" — Killik's voice dipped — "and could no longer go see Sune, Sune came here, raging and half-starved, and refused to leave his side."

Louisawinced, squeezed her eyes shut against the vision of that, but Killik was still talking, his voice curt. "Even then, Simon wished to part them, and place Sune elsewhere. ButSune's blood-father could no more care for him, and I knew Sune was all that drew Wolf's mind from the pain, and kept him from slitting his own throat. So ach, I adopted Sune for him, instead."

Louisakept following that, fighting to think it through, maybe to see the other side of the tale. "But perhaps Simon truly did fear," she began, tentative, "that Ulfarr still would harm Sune, somehow? Simon's first concern would have been Sune's safety… right?"

ButKillik exhaled a heavy sigh, maybe a growl. "OurRightHandDrafli is mated to mayhap the realm's best scenter," he countered. "They knew there was not a single scent wrong upon Wolf, nor upon Sune, nor any of Wolf's pack, ever. So no, this was not about Sune's safety. This was about Wolf, and his sins, and his suffering. It was about his payment, and his penance. It was meant to be more of his justice."

Hisvoice caught on that last bit, dark and angry. AndLouisa fought the inexplicable urge to reach over and touch him, maybe even caress him — but she held herself still, watching, waiting, as Killik drew in another deep, shaky breath.

"And not once has Wolf defied this justice," Killik continued, even harder. "He has borne his wounds, and shouldered his shame. He has said not a word about his broken pack, or his ruined scenting, or his maimed bloody prick that brings him always more pain with his pleasure, or oft denies him its pleasure at all. He has done all within his power for the clan, for the school, for any Skai who needed this. And those orcs who spoke false to Wolf, and harmed our kin, and sought to escape Simon's judgement" — Killik's voice cracked — "it was Wolf who went and killed them, and wept as he burned their bodies before Skai-kesh. It was Wolf who suffered for this, again, and again, and again!"

Killikwas almost shouting by the end, his voice scraping loud and harsh through the room, surely enough to startle Ulfarr awake — but when Louisa shot a furtive glance up toward him, he was still sleeping, his low snores a strange steady counter to Killik's gasping breaths.

"And not once has he sought to forget this," Killik went on, his voice a sharp hiss. "Not once has he sought to escape it, or play-act as though it was not his burden to bear. He has faced it with all his strength, and done all within his power to fix this. To make these amends."

Thosewords rang through Louisa's chest with sudden, vivid power, swallowing her breath. Ulfarr hadn't tried to escape his past. He hadn't tried to forget it. He'd faced it, with all his strength…

"But how much suffering is enough?" Killik demanded. "How much suffering is just? How much pain and work and shame must be borne before the taint is lifted? Or must it be borne for a full life? Must the wrongs of one moon be repaid a hundredfold? Must the suffering be only ended with death? Is this justice? Is this kinder than a swift clean death, from the start? Because but for Sune, I ken Wolf would have gladly welcomed this, over a lifetime of loss and weakness and pain!"

Hisvoice dragged raw and harrowing through Louisa's belly, clawing at her spinning thoughts. And as she looked at him, at that sheer helpless misery in his eyes, there was the thought, sudden and unbidden, that perhaps Killik had never spoken of this to anyone else. Perhaps he couldn't speak of it, to a clan he didn't agree with, to an otherwise good leader he resented, to people he couldn't trust.

Andwithout at all meaning to, Louisa finally reached over to him, and ran her hand down his warm bare arm. "But he's also had you," she said, through her too-tight throat. "And all the help you've given him. Right?"

Killik'seyes angled away, but he didn't flinch from her hand. "Ach, mayhap," he replied, his voice thick. "WithSune, and the camp, and with pleasure, and all his hidden vows and secrets. And there is yet much more I should wish to do, many more battles I should wish to wage, but…"

Hisvoice trailed off, that helpless misery again flashing in his eyes, and Louisa kept waiting, kept stroking, as he drew in another shaky breath. "ButWolf wishes to earn this forgiveness, from Skai-kesh, and Simon, and the clan," he continued. "He longs to keep his vows, and make his amends, and pay for his sins. He longs, more than aught else, to truly regain his place as a true Skai son. And if he sees me as driving this on his behalf, testing or defying our Enforcer, or pushing the clan, or taking his own burdens upon myself…"

Hisvoice faded again, his mouth twisting, and this time Louisa drew in breath, and said the rest of it. "He'll sacrifice you, too, won't he," she whispered. "He'll fight you, or shut you out, or push you away. So you won't be able to help him anymore at all."

Killik'sthroat bobbed, and he pulled up his hand still holding the dagger, and halfheartedly jabbed it at Louisa's face. "ButWolfneeds this help, woman," he rasped back. "He needs me."

Itwas like he was daring her to challenge him on this, to argue or refute it. But there wasn't even a thought of it, not even when Louisa shot another glance up at Ulfarr's scarred, sleeping face. Ulfarr did need Killik. He needed pleasure, he needed purpose, he needed strength and comfort by his side. He needed someone who could see beyond his past and his sins.

Andmore than that, it was clear that Ulfarr needed Sune, too. He needed his son, and his old pack. And maybe he even needed that camp, that distance from this mountain, that purpose. That… peace.

Andmaybe — maybe Ulfarr even needed that title again, too. TheWolf of the Skai.

"I know," Louisa finally said to Killik's glinting eyes. "Of course he needs you, Killik. But" — her thoughts flipped backwards, toward something else that had been simmering, nagging, louder and louder — "but now you're going to face Simon's judgement. Aren't you? You tried to take all the blame for all this. For setting me up with Ulfarr, and lying to him, and bringing me here. So now — now Simon's going to punish you for that?"

Hervoice was rising, sharpening, her eyes searching Killik's face. His face that just looked tired again, resigned, all the spark faded from his eyes. And what had he told Simon about this, just yesterday?I shall not refute your judgement upon this. ButI should be grateful if you could grant me the night to settle some matters first…

"How — how will Simon punish you, then?" Louisa demanded, clasping her hand tighter at Killik's arm. "Will he — separate you from Ulfarr? Will he still blame Ulfarr? Will he separate either of you from Sune? Will he hurt you, Killik?"

Hervoice had gone even louder, grating between them, and in return something shifted in Killik's eyes, convulsed in his throat. "I cannot see Simon wounding me for this," he replied, hoarse. "And he would not part Sune from us now, either. He is not a brute, you ken. He yet seeks to do his best for his kin."

Louisacouldn't bite back her hard, disbelieving snort — this Simon had apparently ignored Ulfarr's contributions and concerns, broken apart his pack, and then he'd almost beaten him to death, and let him suffer for months, and tried to part him from his son. AndKillik didn't think that same orc was capable of hurting Ulfarr? Of hurting them?

Killikhad surely followed that thought, and his mouth gave a brief, rueful twitch. "I ken Simon might rather bar us from the camp, mayhap," he said. "And bar us from you, also."

Oh. Oh. He said it so lightly, so easily, as though it wouldn't bother him in the slightest. And of course he wouldn't care, it didn't mean anything — but it still plunged in Louisa's belly, prickled sudden and dangerous behind her eyes. And she didn't want to ask, didn't want to know, but…

"And you would — obey?" she asked, or maybe challenged. "You wouldn't fight Simon's so-called justice on that, either?"

Thecorners of Killik's mouth tightened, but he glanced away again, toward the wall beyond her. "If it was only me, mayhap I would," he replied, very quiet. "ButI cannot risk Wolf or Sune in this. You ken I cannot."

Right. That was that, then, that was his answer. No, yet again. AndLouisa couldn't even fault him for it, especially with that admission, that confession, hovering too strong between them. If it was only me, mayhap I would.

Butit still curdled and churned in her belly, stung hotter behind her eyes. So she didn't have those four nights, after all. She didn't have Killik. She didn't have Ulfarr. It didn't even matter what she thought about all this, what she'd decided…

Andgods curse it, maybe she had decided, without even meaning to. Because maybe — she wanted to face this. She wanted to believe in forgiveness, and redemption, and amends. But none of it mattered now, it was already over, already too late, and she was — she was —

Atrickle of hot liquid squeezed from Louisa's eye, streaking down onto Ulfarr's big shoulder beneath her. And though she winced, dashed it away, another escaped after it, and another. AndKillik could see this, and mock this, oh gods she needed to leave, she wasn't even supposed to be here, and…

"Come, woman," cut in Killik's voice, and when Louisa blinked up, he was shifting up off the bed, and holding out his hand. "There is — one you ought to meet, I ken."

Louisablinked again, shot an uncertain look down at Ulfarr beneath her — but he still appeared to be sound asleep, so she nodded, and reached her shaky hand to Killik's. Letting him guide her up and out of the bed, and once she was on her feet, he silently held out her new dress, too. And it was only then that Louisa realized she was only wearing that damned loincloth, and giving Killik a full-on view of everything else.

Andcurse him, he was taking a good eyeful, leisurely glancing up and down, and even giving a light little slap against the loincloth's leather band over her hip. "This new garb was good, you ken," he said, a little too casually. "Wish you had scented Wolf, when he first saw it. The strength of his hunger near knocked me over, ach?"

Itwas a kind thing for him to say — too kind, still too much like a goodbye. And though Louisa attempted a smile back, it felt wan and thin, and she couldn't seem to hold it as she tied the dress over the loincloth with her fumbling hands. And next were the boots, those tall lovely expensive leather boots, and she hesitated as she pulled them on, and grimaced toward Killik's watching face.

"I didn't even — pay for these," she said. "Or any of this. Rosa said you wouldn't mind, but —"

Killikbetrayed a brief sneer at Rosa's name, but then he shrugged, and gave a dismissive wave of his dagger. "No, keep them," he replied. "Your old boots should have one day killed you, and now I shall not be at fault for this."

Well. Louisa's smile felt more genuine this time, though it faltered again when Killik next handed over her knife, and the chain. The chain that — wait, didn't even seem broken, did it?

"It was only the latch that failed," Killik supplied, without her even asking. "Next time, we ought to —"

Buthe broke off there, looking away, because there wouldn't be a next time, would there? He knew it, and Louisa knew it, and she couldn't meet his eyes as she fastened on the belt, and then her knife. And then let Killik draw her from the room, leaving Ulfarr still alone and asleep in the bed behind them.

Itfelt wrong, lonely and miserable and wretched, and Louisa kept her head down as Killik led her through the dim, narrow corridors. Around this corner, and that, deeper and deeper into the Skai wing, until he drew her into a room.

Itwasn't one Louisa had seen during Rosa's tour, and it was large and round, and scented of sweet incense. And in the middle of the room, surrounded by fur-covered benches, there stood a cluster of life-sized, beautifully carved grey stone orcs. All of them fully bared, flaunting their strong, impressively endowed bodies — but Louisa's eyes were drawn to the largest figure of all, standing tall and proud in the midst of the others. He was big and broad, with messy cropped hair, and he seemed to look straight toward her, into her, with his intent, black-painted eyes.

"This is our father Skai-kesh, and his faithful pack," came Killik's low voice beside her. "If ever you seek guidance, or comfort, or strength, he will always freely offer this. And no matter the sin" — Louisa could feel Killik studying her, almost as strong as this Skai-kesh — "he shall always welcome our repentance. He shall always offer his strength and forgiveness, and guide us to amends, and peace."

Forgiveness. Amends. Peace. The words swaying too deep, too powerful, and Louisa couldn't even look at Killik as she nodded, and lurched toward the nearest bench. Sinking down onto it, holding her gaze to Skai-kesh's watching, piercing eyes.

Andthen, somehow, she prayed. Prayed to a god she didn't know, to an ancestor that wasn't hers. And it didn't even make sense, she'd never been a pious person, but as Killik sank down to sit beside her, his elbow lightly brushing hers, it still felt like — a relief. A relief to silently pour out all this darkness and doubt, all her own guilt and sins, the things she'd never told another living soul. And to know that maybe, maybe even just here, in this room, beneath this Skai-kesh and his too-knowing eyes, there was strength. Forgiveness. A guide to amends. A way to peace.

Andwhen Louisa opened her eyes again, what felt like a long time later, it did feel like peace. Like certainty. Like a direction given, a decision made, deep and certain in her bones.

She'dfaced this trial here, and she'd survived. She was alive. She was whole. AndKillik and Ulfarr had helped her, had granted her so much kindness — and now, she was going to grant the same to them. She was going to stand tall with them, and their pack, and their camp. And with their son, who'd looked at her last night, and begged for her help.

Fix this, Sune had said. Fix this.

AndLouisa was damned well going to try. She was going to fix this mess.