Chapter Nineteen

My heart raced as I watched my wife writhe on the bed. Walking in here to see blood sprayed all over the floor had terrified me beyond anything I'd felt before. I thought the priestesses had made it past our wards and come to kill Nadine and the babies. When I saw she was vomiting blood, I knew we didn't have much time. I portaled straight into Luana's office, and she came the second she saw the worry on my face.

Luana placed her hand on Nadine's chest, and a white glow emanated from her palm. Nadine's shaking body steadied, and her wheezing breath sounded clearer. I couldn't believe how fast Luana's healing magic worked on her.

"Lucas," Nadine rasped, reaching out for me.

I took her hand, squeezing it desperately. Tears streamed down my face as I choked back sobs. I had to hold it together for her, because she needed me right now.

Nadine let out a sigh of relief. "I feel much better now."

The tears I'd been holding back spilled over my lids. I'd been so terrified for her and the babies. Thank the Goddess for Luana and her healing magic. I didn't know what we'd have done without her.

I turned to Luana to thank her, but my eyes caught the others lingering in the doorway. Chloe and Talia stood at the front of the group, and the others were gathered in the hall. Chloe clutched the Mentalist Wand, and Talia held on to the Seer Wand. The ends were glowing. Chloe's features had turned ghost white.

"We can read her mind," Chloe said hollowly. "It's not word-for-word, but we can sense the message. I'm not going to speak or translate for her directly, because I'm not a skilled interpreter, but I can put the gist of what she's saying together and get it across to you, as long as Luana's fine with it."

Luana must've read her lips, because she nodded to Chloe, telling her it was okay.

Chloe swallowed hard. "She says the babies are okay, but Nadine was poisoned."

Time must've stopped, because I wasn't sure how much I processed after that. I was aware that Verla and Talia were both freaking out. Their voices grew harsh as they discussed how this could have happened, in case there was a cure, but that was about all I picked up on.

It didn't make sense that Nadine had been poisoned. We'd all been eating and drinking the same food all day, and none of us were sick besides my wife. It wasn't that I didn't think this could happen. The priestesses certainly wouldn't hesitate to kill Nadine the first chance they got; she wasn't useful to them anymore. I just didn't know how they could slip anything past us. Our wards were iron-tight, and we didn't source any supplies from the coven anymore. Besides, I trusted every person in this house, so I couldn't even fathom where the poison had come from. The only thing that made sense was that something she ate had interacted with her meds.

I mentioned this, but Luana didn't seem convinced of it. I insisted that we couldn't possibly have a traitor in our midst. Luana suggested perhaps the poison was accidental—that maybe we'd been sold some bad herbs.

"What kind of poison was it?" I demanded.

"She doesn't know for sure," Chloe said. "It's not a poison she's healed before, so she's not familiar with it. What Luana knows is that the poison targeted Nadine's stomach and lungs, and she was able to heal those with her magic by healing Nadine's organs. Unfortunately, she couldn't process the poison out completely, because she'd have to heal her whole body, and that could trigger early labor."

"That's ridiculous!" Verla protested. "She should be able to heal Nadine of all ailments."

Luana glanced between Verla and Chloe, then started signing an explanation.

"Healing magic can have poor effects on pregnant women," Chloe explained. "She can target specific areas, or use her magic to observe and diagnose, but technically, the babies are foreign to the body. If she heals too much, the body might try to abort, and we can't risk that."

"Absolutely not," Nadine agreed in a groggy tone. "I'm not going to do anything to harm the babies."

"So what do we do?" I demanded.

"With time, Nadine's body will process out the poison on its own," Chloe said.

"We must be able to do more than that," I begged.

Luana frowned, and Chloe said, "There comes a point where neither you nor the medical staff can do anything. We just need to give it time and hope it doesn't affect the babies. Luana wants Nadine to remain on bedrest for the rest of the pregnancy."

Nadine winced a little as she moved. "Believe me, I'm not leaving this bed until my due date. Then Lucas is portaling me straight to a hospital bed."

Nadine looked really uncomfortable, and I took her hand. She squeezed as tightly as she could, though she didn't appear very strong. She gave me a look I'd seen a thousand times before that said, All I want to do is sleep.

"Let's give her some space," I suggested.

"I'll brew a cleansing potion that will get the blood stains out of the carpet," Verla offered, before following the others out into the hall.

As everyone went their separate ways, I stopped Grant and pulled him aside. I lowered my voice so no one else could hear. "I want you to go through all the leftovers. Test everything Nadine ate today."

"I can do that, but I might not have the results until morning," he said.

"I don't care. Just find out what caused this. And don't let anyone in this house eat anything else until we know what we're dealing with."

Grant nodded. "On it."

Chloe and Talia stayed to help interpret for Luana. "Nadine was very lucky," Chloe said. "She could've died without an Anichi healer, but Luana got to her just in time. She says the rest of us have to be very careful. It could've been a mistake, but from her experience as a healer, she thinks someone might've tried to harm us."

"Is Nadine going to be okay?" I asked Luana.

"She'll be fine for now," Chloe said while Luana signed to me. "She needs to rest. Luana wants you to portal into her office in the morning so she can come and check on Nadine. She promises to be back every few days to monitor her. If we need anything else, she wants us to portal her here immediately."

"Thank you," I told Luana, before I portaled her back to her office.

Verla returned with her cleansing potion and helped clean up, then left the room.

Nadine and I were alone again. I lay on the bed next to her. She was on her side, and we were facing one another. She looked super tired, but also relieved. Isa lay curled up next to her belly.

I pushed the hair back from her face. Though I was still terrified, my voice remained steady. "It's going to be okay."

Tears welled in Nadine's eyes. "I want to believe you but… Lucas, I think I did this to myself."

I furrowed my brow. "You couldn't have possibly poisoned yourself."

"But what if I did, accidentally?" she insisted. "I think I manifested it."

I propped myself up on my elbow, more alert than ever. "Nad, what are you talking about?"

She sniffled. "Right before this happened, Chloe and I were talking. I told her this pregnancy was going so well that I don't feel disabled anymore, and it was like a piece of myself had died. It's hard to know who I am without my lupus, and that scares me, because I'm afraid I won't be able to advocate for the disabled anymore."

I wiped a tear from her eye. "That's not true."

"It doesn't matter, as long as I believe it," Nadine said. "What if I accidentally cast a curse over myself so I'd be sick again?"

I wanted to tell her she was wrong, that this was some accident or fluke, but I wondered if maybe she was right. I couldn't understand what was going on inside her head, so I couldn't be sure this was unrelated. I felt helpless to assist her, because I couldn't understand what she was going through.

"If that's the case, you can break the curse," I told her.

She shook her head. "I can't. The Waning is affecting me, and my magic won't be back for over a week. Besides, if Luana's magic can trigger labor, who's to say mine won't if I cast it on myself? I just… barely feel like myself anymore."

I stroked her cheek. "No matter what your health is doing, you'll always be Nadine."

She placed her hand over mine and closed her eyes, as if taking in my presence. "I think I need to remember that sometimes. Could you get me the box from under the bed?"

"Now's not the time," I stated.

Nadine frowned, like she thought I was making a joke. "Not that box. The other one."

Oh. I had forgotten about the other one.

I crawled off the bed and found the box she was talking about, then handed it to her. Nadine pulled off the top and began placing the items in front of her on the bed. It was her box of mementos—things like birthday cards from her parents, pictures she'd kept of her family, and a necklace that looked like one Helena had worn often. A silver star charm hung off another chain, and I noticed the ticket from our first date. The house key I'd found in the abandoned mansion behind the school sat there. It had been a symbol of our sanctuary while we attended Miriam College. There was so much in there now that the box was nearly overflowing.

Nadine ran her fingers over each item, like she was trying to memorize every piece. I didn't say anything, only watched on curiously. With every item that she touched, another tear fell down her cheek. It was heartbreaking seeing her like that. I wished I could help, but I sensed all she needed was a quiet moment.

"Do you remember this?" Nadine held up the gift certificate we'd received when we solved the mystery at the haunted house one Halloween.

"Yeah, I do," I replied fondly.

Nadine spoke softly. "It was a good time—a happy time."

Her fingers trailed to the ancient key Helena had given her. It was an antique skeleton key that hung from a chain. Nadine had gifted it to me before we started officially dating, but I'd given it back last Valentine's Day. We'd agreed to share it, and she'd worn it almost every day since, until Helena died. I never asked her about it, but now I could see it was because it reminded her too much of her grandmother. There was a longing in her eyes, like she wanted to wear it again, just to keep Helena close to her heart.

I took the chain it hung on and slipped it over her head. "For protection."

I knew the rumored protection charm inside it was bogus, but it seemed to bring Nadine comfort.

She spent a moment admiring the key dangling from her neck, before turning back to the other items. Her fingers stopped on Helena's necklace, and she picked it up. She studied it for several long seconds, before her voice cracked. "I miss her so much, Lucas. I just know if she were here, she'd be singing songs to the babies and making them blankets for their nursery. She'd be concocting tea blends to help with the pregnancy."

"We still have some of her herb blends," I offered. "I can make a pot."

Nadine shook her head. "It was never about her tea. It was her, just having her here with me, knowing she cared."

"She still cares," I promised. "Even if she can't be with us physically, I think she's still here with us."

Nadine reeled back. "No, she's not! If she were here, she would've known what caused this. She could've helped prevent it in the first place."

"Her memory lives on. Everything she taught us is still inside of us, and the memories we hold of her are inside that box."

"I don"t give a fuck about what lessons she had to teach me! I care about her being here, not in a place where I can"t talk to her—hell, even see her! All I have left of her is this stupid box!" Nadine grabbed the box and tossed it across the room, then buried her face in the pillow and sobbed. Contents scattered across the floor.

My stomach dropped. I never wanted to see her hurt like this. I placed a hand on her shoulder, but she shrugged me off. She was really hurting right now, and the last thing I wanted was to make it worse.

I got up and began placing the mementos back in the box. "She is here, Nadine, whether you believe it or not. Maybe she was the reason I got to you in time tonight."

Nadine didn't respond with anything but a sniffle. I didn't want to push it, because whatever I could say, I didn't think it would help. Grief had been a theme in her life many times over, and I worried what it might take to bring her grieving to an end.

If it were even possible.

Nadine fell asleep, and I finished cleaning up her things. I changed and got into bed next to her, but I could hardly sleep all night.

The little sleep I'd gotten was interrupted the next morning with a light knock on the door. I got out of bed slowly, as to not wake Nadine.

Grant stood on the other side of the door, holding a notepad. "I've got your results."

I quickly shot a look back at Nadine, then stepped into the hall. "What'd you find?"

Grant looked anything but happy. "Nothing. The fruit was fine, the meat was thoroughly cooked, and the cookies were perfect. There was nothing."

Maybe Nadine was right and this wasn't poison at all…

But Luana had sensed it in her.

"Was there anything Nadine ate yesterday that you didn't test?" I asked.

Grant thought about it. "The iced tea. It was all gone by the end of the night, and the pitcher was washed. But everyone else was drinking it, too."

"Maybe there was something in it that only affects pregnant women," I suggested.

Grant's eyes went wide. "Oh, Goddess. I must've mixed the ingredients wrong, or something was wrong with the ginger. I poisoned Nadine!"

"We don't know that," I assured him.

Grant threw his hand over his mouth. "I never meant to hurt her. It was supposed to be pregnancy safe."

I grabbed him by the shoulders. "This isn't your fault. It could have been any one of our theories. But the fact is it was an accident, and no one's to blame. Honestly, that makes me feel better than suspecting there's a traitor among us."

"I want to talk to her," Grant said.

He followed me into the bedroom, and Nadine stirred when I opened the door. I knelt beside her. "How are you feeling?"

"Better," she said, though she didn't look well. She tried to push herself upright, and I immediately grabbed her arms. I fluffed the pillows and put two behind her back to help her sit upright.

Tears streaked Grant's cheeks as he approached the bed. "I believe this is all my fault, and for that I am very sorry. I brewed the iced tea, and I mixed it wrong. It was meant to be pregnancy-safe, but I screwed up. I never meant to hurt you, Nadine."

"If this was truly an accident, then we have nothing to worry about," Nadine assured him. "Thank you for being honest with me, Grant."

"I will be sure not to let you eat or drink anything magical from now on—not until the babies are born, at least," Grant vowed. "Nothing touches your lips unless we've checked it for magic."

"Deal," Nadine said.

Nadine took Grant's confession very well, and he seemed to relax as he left the room.

I checked the time. "It's almost time for me to portal Luana in. Do you want someone to stay with you?"

Nadine settled into a more comfortable position. "I want Onyx here."

I hurried to get Onyx, then left the girls in the bedroom while I portaled to Hok'evale. I found Luana standing in her office next to her father.

"Luana has asked me to accompany her to interpret," Chief Cauac said. "But only if you're okay with it."

There were very few people I trusted to come into our safe house, but I trusted these two with our lives. Teleinsight had been useful in a pinch, but a skilled interpreter was always the better option.

"Yes, you're more than welcome," I told him.

Luana grabbed a medical cart beside her and followed me through the portal with all the equipment. Her father entered the portal behind her. Nadine lay propped against the pillows. Onyx sat on the bed beside her, holding her hand.

"Hello." Nadine greeted Luana with a smile and a gesture in American Sign Language. Luana signed back kindly.

Chief Cauac stood next to me, on the opposite side of the bed from Luana, so that she could easily see us all. "I will be interpreting everything said today, and all conversation will remain confidential. You may speak between one another as if I'm not here. I may ask you to slow down or pause, and I may need to ask for clarification. Do I have everyone's consent to do that?"

"Yes," we all agreed.

"How are you feeling today?" Chief Cauac interpreted for Luana.

"Better than last night," Nadine answered.

Luana made a questioning gesture, and Nadine nodded. Luana placed one hand on Nadine's head, and the other on her belly. A magical white glow filled the room. Luana tried to mask her disappointment as she drew away, but I saw it on her face clear as day. She signed to Nadine.

"Your blood pressure is high," Chief Cauac said. "I believe you have preeclampsia, but I will need to do a blood test and urinalysis to measure your protein levels."

"It's a good thing I really have to pee, then," Nadine joked. I could tell she was feeling at least a little better, or she wouldn't be joking right now.

"You're not worried?" I asked her.

"A little," she admitted. "But we've known for a long time I was high risk, so I guess I've already been preparing for this news. I'm not surprised."

I looked at Luana. "I thought Nadine was taking meds to reduce her risk."

Chief Cauac interpreted. "Nadine's medication only reduces the risk by about fifteen percent. The meds may have helped reduce the severity, as her case is mild at the moment."

"So it could get worse?" I asked.

Luana gave an affirming nod, and Chief Cauac added, "Yes, but we can keep her symptoms under control with close monitoring."

I shifted my weight between my feet uncomfortably. "You've been monitoring her weekly. How could this happen so fast?"

Luana signed quickly, and Chief Cauac said, "Preeclampsia can come on suddenly. Many women don't even know they have it until it shows up on tests. When you start feeling sick, you need to be admitted right away, and we may have to induce early."

"Is this why she threw up blood?" I asked Luana desperately.

"No, that was something else entirely, though it could have triggered preeclampsia," her father interpreted. "We've prepared for this. Nadine has lupus, she's undergone a kidney transplant, and she's carrying twins. These are all risk factors, and we're going to keep her symptoms under control."

"You can't heal it?" I wondered.

"Since preeclampsia is widespread, Anichi can't heal it without the risk of triggering labor. Pregnancy, in particular, is difficult for even the most experienced healers to manage with Spirit magic. We Anichi believe that pregnancy is the magic of creation itself, and therefore, it's not able to be easily influenced without causing something to go wrong. Keeping Nadine's symptoms under control is the best option. The only cure for preeclampsia is delivery."

"Cool." Nadine looked up to Luana. "Can I pee now?"

"I'd like to do an ultrasound before taking a urine sample. A full bladder helps with the imaging."

Luana started untangling cords from her cart, which I noticed for the first time had a laptop on top.

"Here, let me help," Onyx offered. She only knew one sign in ASL, which I guess was the word help.

The girls worked together to get the ultrasound machine plugged in. Nadine had two ultrasounds before—one right after we found out she was pregnant, and one at twenty weeks. Still, I couldn't get over how special it was to see our baby boys on the screen. I held Nadine's hand as Luana ran the wand over Nadine's belly. I couldn't take my eyes off the screen as I watched the boys wiggle. According to Luana, they appeared healthy and unaffected by last night's incident.

After Luana finished with the ultrasound, I helped Nadine to the bathroom. We got her urine sample, then returned to the bedroom, where Luana took Nadine's vitals, as well as a vial of blood.

Luana signed to Nadine, and the chief interpreted. "I want to continue seeing you once per week for urine tests. You'll have to do kick counts to make sure the babies are still moving. Once per day, count how long it takes each baby to kick ten times. If it takes more than two hours, alert me right away."

Luana turned to Onyx, and Cauac added, "I'm going to leave you with medical equipment so you can take Nadine's blood pressure and vitals daily. Nadine should stay on bed rest, only getting out of bed to shower and use the bathroom. Preeclampsia puts stress on the body, and we want to reduce that stress as much as possible."

"What other kinds of risks are we looking at?" I asked.

Luana turned to me and signed. "Preeclampsia, as well as being pregnant with multiples, increases the risk of preterm labor," her father said. "It's too early to deliver now, but waiting too long can be risky for the mother. We typically plan for women with preeclampsia to give birth at thirty-seven weeks, but since you're having twins, we may be looking at thirty-six weeks depending on how the pregnancy is progressing. However, in cases like this, delivery can happen much sooner and unexpectedly. I will have all the medical equipment ready to go in case Nadine goes into labor early."

"What do we do if that happens?" I asked.

"It's my philosophy that mothers should be as comfortable as possible throughout the delivery process," Chief Cauac interpreted for Luana. "I've assisted in many home births. However, due to Nadine's condition, I believe it best if Nadine labors and delivers in the hospital."

"How long will we have to stay?" Nadine asked. "It's not safe for us to leave the house for long periods of time."

Luana appeared sympathetic, and Cauac's tone reflected that. "Since the boys will most certainly be premature, they will require extra care and equipment after delivery. That said, since Onyx is here with you and you have a nurse in the house, I'm willing to provide all the equipment you'll need to keep the boys here. I'll be available on-call anytime you need me to portal back for assistance. Of course, plans may change if your preeclampsia worsens, but for now, you can stay home with close monitoring."

"That all sounds good," Nadine said. "Thank you so much for all your help. One more question. Can we still have sex?"

"Nadine…" I started, but Chief Cauac didn't even miss a beat interpreting.

"That depends on your typical reaction to it. If it's a relaxing activity for you, it can actually lower blood pressure."

Nadine gave a light smile. "Excellent."

Nadine didn't seem bothered by all of this information, as if all the new meds she'd been prescribed and the doctor's orders were more of a comfort to her than anything. I think she'd come to expect this kind of news and had become accustomed to dealing with it.

Her nonchalant nature helped ease my nerves over the next few days. I worried for her and the babies, but all Nadine could talk about was how excited she was to meet them. Since she couldn't get out of bed, we spent a lot of time making things for the babies. I'd found craft supplies in Helena's closet, and Nadine was learning to crochet. She'd already made several hats for the twins, and we'd worked together to make each of them their own fleece tie blanket.

Nadine was learning how to crochet baby socks the following week while I worked on hanging some of the pictures she'd drawn for the babies. Her drawings had the babies' names on them with cats crawling over the letters. They were really cute.

Our room had become crowded with medical equipment that Luana dropped off when she came to visit. I'd rearranged the furniture to make room for two incubators. We prayed we wouldn't need them, but we wanted to be prepared for anything. I'd had to move the bed to another wall, and everything that we usually stored beneath it was still piled out of the way in the bathroom.

I arranged Dean's sign over his incubator, then stepped back. "What do you think?"

Oliver meowed at my feet like he approved.

"Mm…" Nadine mused from the bed. "I think Marcus's sign is a little crooked."

I nudged the frame just a little. "Better?"

"Better." Nadine set her crochet project aside and began stroking Isa's head.

I didn't even have to think about it when I grabbed a bottle of lotion off the nightstand and sat on the bed beside her. I ran lotion over her hands and began massaging them. "How are you feeling?"

"It's hard to breathe sometimes, but I think that's just from the babies getting bigger."

"We can't know that for sure. We should mention it to Luana when she comes this week."

"I've told her everything," Nadine assured me. "I'm not vomiting, so that's a plus."

"If you start vomiting, I'm taking you to the hospital right away," I warned.

"Deal," she agreed, though she sounded certain it wasn't going to happen.

I finished massaging her hands. "We only have to make it a few more weeks. You three better behave yourselves."

Nadine snickered as she ran her hand over her large belly. "I have a feeling these boys are going to be nothing but trouble."

"The least they can do is wait until they're teenagers," I teased as I stood from the bed.

I didn't like the feeling of the lotion on my hands, so I went to the bathroom to wash it off. The counter in the bathroom was stacked with boxes we'd kept under the bed that I hadn't had a chance to return after rearranging the room. I ran the water, then looked around for the soap. I found it shoved in the corner behind one of the boxes and pulled it out.

Oliver chose that moment to jump up on the counter. There wasn't any room for him, and he could barely fit all four legs on the edge of the sink.

"Oliver, no!" I scolded.

I nudged him off the edge of the counter with my elbow. He clamored for a foothold, and it all happened so fast. Oliver's tail swished, and it smacked into the pile of boxes. The box on top teetered, and I rushed to catch it, but it was already too late. The box burst open, spilling its contents into the sink under the rushing water.

Panic swept through me when I saw the photographs and other mementos shrink under the water. It was Nadine's memento box.

Fuck! Oliver took off running out of the room. He knew damn well he was in trouble.

I hurried to shut the water off, but the damage was already done. Photographs were soaking wet, and the ticket from our first date was beyond repair.

"Lucas, are you hurt?" Nadine called.

"No, I—" I cut off. How did I even begin to explain to her what happened? I pulled the photographs out of the sink and laid them out on the floor, as if I could still save them. The corners were wrinkled, and some of the ink had smudged on a few of them. I couldn't even begin to express the sickness that rose in my gut. I felt horrible.

I heard footsteps, then the sound of Talia's and Grant's voices as they came into the bedroom.

"Is everything okay?" Talia asked.

"We heard a crash," Grant added.

"Lucas is in the bathroom," Nadine told them. "I'm not sure what happened."

"I'm okay," I called.

The bathroom door was open, though, and Talia came to investigate. She gasped when she saw what I'd done. I was on my knees on the floor, trying to separate everything so it could dry, but it was no use. It was already ruined.

I leaned back on my heels hopelessly. "Nadine's going to hate me," I whispered.

"No," Talia said gently. "Just… be honest with her."

I drew a deep breath, but my heart was pounding. "All right. Can you help me?"

Talia helped gather the things, and I placed a few items back in the box that hadn't been completely destroyed. There wasn't much.

I dropped my head and stepped out of the bathroom. "Nad, I'm sorry?—"

Nadine's breath caught, and she threw her hands over her mouth. "Is that…?"

"Your memento box fell into the sink," I admitted. "Oliver accidentally knocked it over."

Tears sprang to Nadine's eyes. "Oh, Goddess, Lucas. All my pictures… they're ruined."

Grant quickly grabbed a towel and placed it on the bed, and Talia and I spread the mementos next to Nadine.

"I think some of them can be salvaged," I said hollowly.

Nadine stared down at the items I'd destroyed. A faraway look entered her eyes, like she couldn't believe what she was seeing. She looked wholly broken. "Some of these pictures don't have digital copies. These were all I had."

"Nadine, I am so sorry—" I started.

Tears streamed down her cheeks. "It isn't your fault. I manifested this because I called the box stupid. I didn't want this box to be all I had left of my family, and now I don't even have that."

She reached for the ticket from our first date, and it crumbled into two pieces in her hand. She went to pick up a photo of her and her parents, but drew away at the last second, as if afraid that too would fall apart.

"There are a few things that didn't get destroyed," I said desperately as I picked through the box. "Your dad's license plate is still good. Your mom's apron got some soap on it, but we can wash that?—"

"No!" Nadine cried.

I went rigid.

"You don't understand! If we wash it, it's not going to smell like her anymore." Nadine brought the apron to her nose, and the dejected look on her face broke my heart.

"It got wet, and it's already lost her scent," Nadine cried. "All these photos, all my memories, they're destroyed…"

Talia knelt at Nadine's side and spoke gently. "I know this is really hard, but you have to remember, these are just things. It was the moments and the memories that mattered."

"No, these aren't just things," Nadine bit. "This is the last stuff I have to remember everyone by. My parents are gone. Grammy's gone. This is all that's left of them."

"Your memories will always be with you," Grant offered.

"Fuck my memories. I don't want to live in the past. I want these tangible things here in the moment with me right now." Nadine's shoulders began to heave with heavy sobs.

"I can't tell you how sorry I am," I told her softly.

She wiped her eyes. "Can I just… be alone for a while?"

I had the horrible thought that she was never going to forgive me for this. I knew it was an accident, but it still made me feel like the worst husband in the world. I should've been more careful. Those mementos meant everything to her.

I turned to follow Talia and Grant out the door, but Nadine stopped me. "Lucas? Where are you going?"

I paused. "I thought you wanted to be alone."

"Alone with my husband," she begged.

My heart lifted, and I hoped she would forgive me. I shut the door behind Talia and Grant, and Nadine moved over on the bed. I moved the mementos aside, then pulled back the covers to snuggle up beside her, taking her in my arms.

"I really am sorry," I whispered.

She sniffled. "I know it wasn't your fault. I'm just really sad. I need you to hold me."

I kissed the top of her head. "Darling, I can certainly do that."

Nadine shivered, and I quickly pulled off my sweatshirt and wrapped it around her shoulders. She pulled it close around her and inhaled the scent. For some reason, that made her cry harder.

Nadine's tears soaked into my shirt. "I'm glad you're here. You're the only person who can help me when I'm grieving."

It was really comforting to hear that. Her words repeated in my mind, and something hit me. I quickly conjured the Reaper Records and flipped the book open with one hand.

Nadine tilted her head. "What are you looking for?"

I pulled her tighter to my chest with the other arm. "What you just said… that I can help when you're grieving. It made me think of the grief spell I couldn't figure out. Maybe I can use my magic to help."

I found the page I was looking for and skimmed the spell again. "It says I need to feel into your grief and draw it out. Do you want to try it?"

Nadine looked over the spell. "What does it do exactly?"

I reread the spell. "I think it puts your grief into physical form, like you can talk to someone who's passed on—not in a literal, ghostly sense, but like an illusion. I think it will help if you can talk it out."

Nadine nodded. "I want to talk to Grammy."

"All right. Let's give it a shot," I said.

I wrapped my arms around Nadine, drawing her close to my chest. She kept her eyes closed and steadied her breathing. I reached out with my magic and let it flow into her. According to the records, I was supposed to be able to sense her grief deep in the pit of her stomach.

My power hit a wall, like there was a hollow emptiness that my magic brushed up against. I knew immediately that was the grief I was looking for. I twisted my magic around it and called it to the surface.

Dark energy swirled out of Nadine's body. She trembled in my arms. "Lucas, what's that?"

"It's okay," I assured her. "It's your grief. She wants to talk to you."

I guided the energy out of her, and a figure took shape in front of us. Only, it wasn't Helena.

It was Nadine.

She appeared as solid as the version of Nadine lying in my arms. Every inch of her body was the same, except this version of her wasn't pregnant. She looked so much like my Nadine that I could've easily been fooled into thinking they were one and the same. And maybe that was the point—she was a part of her.

"Why'd you make me?" Nadine sneered. "I thought I was going to get to talk to Grammy."

I shook my head. "I didn't do it intentionally. All I did was manifest your grief into physical form. I think she took the form you needed to talk to the most."

"What am I supposed to say to her?" Nadine asked bitterly. She eyed her grief up and down in a cold manner. "I mean, she's me."

"Speak from your heart," I told her.

She took a deep breath. "All right… How do I get rid of you?"

"Nad, I don't think that's—" I started.

"No, I'm serious," Nadine cut me off. "I keep thinking I'm better, yet she keeps coming back."

Nadine turned toward her grief. "I thought I dealt with you when my parents died, but you're still here. What do I have to do to get rid of you once and for all?"

"You don't," her grief answered. She sounded just like Nadine, but she spoke calmly, like she understood Nadine's feelings. "I'm a part of you now, and I'm here to stay."

Nadine shook her head, like she refused to accept that. "No. I got rid of my darkness. I can remove any curse. I can get rid of you, too."

"I can change, if that's what you want from me," Grief Nadine said. "But I'm not going away, because I can't."

"Well, you need to, because I'm sick of you hanging around," Nadine ordered. "You've been here for years, ever since my parents died. Then again when Amy died, and now Grammy. No matter what I do, you just keep getting stronger. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to end up like Beau, whose grief consumed him for decades. I refuse to let you become all that's left of me. I want to move on, which means you have to go."

Grief Nadine remained calm. "I'll always be with you, whether you wish me to be or not. You'll never be able to get rid of me. If I become all you are, that is a choice that you have made. You can choose to become nothing but grief, or you can choose another path."

"Tell me what I need to do, so I can move on," Nadine begged.

"There is no moving on," her grief responded. "Only moving through. Moving on means forgetting; moving through means continuing despite. You must feel this in order to reconcile yourself to it."

"You're lying," Nadine spat. "If I let myself feel it, there is no way out of this pain."

"Your heart hurts because you are resisting the process," Grief Nadine explained. "Your loss is not a failure, but a completion of a cycle. I know how you feel, Nadine, because I am you. Our grief reflects our desire to remain connected, and you're afraid that if you aren't hurting, you'll lose your connection to the people you love. But you can tap into that connection at any time and keep your loved ones in your life. You must accept that the connection is not gone, but merely changed into something else, and you must change with it."

Nadine sat a little straighter. "Why are you being so difficult? You're only a piece of me, which means I have power over you. I can choose to feel however I want. As time passes, I'm not going to feel this way anymore. One day, I'll get to a place where my parents' death and Grammy's death don't hurt anymore."

"It doesn't work that way," her grief stated. "Hundreds of years could pass, and it could still hurt just as much. The only way to make it hurt less is to love more."

Nadine recoiled. "Love is what broke my heart in the first place."

Grief Nadine crossed her hands in front of herself. "The only way to get rid of me is if you don't love at all. But if you were willing to let go of love, I wouldn't be here in the first place."

"That's ridiculous," Nadine sneered. "I'll never stop loving people."

Her grief appeared sympathetic. "Then you're going to have to continue to grieve, because that's the price you pay for love."

"You're not listening to me!" Nadine shouted.

My heart broke for her. I wanted to stop the spell, but I also thought maybe her grief could still help her.

"You my emotion, and I'm in control of you," Nadine added.

"You're acting like this is a choice, but I'm one of the few things you don't get to choose," Grief Nadine said softly. "The harder you suppress me, the stronger I'll become. Allow me to become a part of you, and we'll do this together."

Nadine turned her head into my chest, like she couldn't bear to look at her grief any longer. "Lucas, you need to stop this. This was a bad idea."

I looked back to her grief, begging desperately for one last piece of advice that would change Nadine's mind. But her grief only replied with a sad look. I realized her grief couldn't help if Nadine didn't want her to.

I waved my hand, and the image of Nadine standing next to our bedside became a mass of energy once again. Wisps of black magic returned to Nadine's body, and the spell ended.

I curled my arms tightly around Nadine. "I'm sorry it didn't work."

Nadine sniffled and drew away. "It will. We'll figure out this spell together. When I've figured out how to defeat my grief, then you can do the spell again. Then I'll vanquish her and make her go away."

I wanted to tell her I didn't think that was going to work, but when I looked into her desperate eyes, I knew my words would be anything but helpful. The only thing I could do was be here for her through it.

"We'll figure it out," I agreed. "I'm right here, Nad."

She relaxed into me. "I'm glad you're here, Lucas, but I wish that was enough to stop me from falling apart. I know you love me, and that all our friends are in my corner, but none of that helps to make this go away."

I stroked her hair. I wish I could tell her it would get better someday, but I understood grief all too well. Her grief was right, and I hadn't realized the truth of it until I heard it said out loud. This wasn't something that disappeared. It was just something that you learned to live with because it would always be a part of you.

I would never get over Eric"s death. A thousand years could come and go, and I"d be just as sad over his suicide as I was the day that it happened. It didn"t sting as much anymore, because the shock was over and so much time had passed, but I still missed my brother every day. I"d grieve for him until time itself ran out, and because I"d loved him so much, I was willing to accept that.

Nadine wasn"t. She"d do anything to escape. I knew how she felt, because there"d been some dark days after Eric died when I"d pleaded to Mother Miriam to take my love for my brother away, just so my pain had somewhere to go. That didn"t happen, though. It festered inside of me and made me sick until I realized the only way to cope with it would be to allow myself to accept that this was the way things had to be.

Nadine had a long way to go before she got to that point, if she did at all.

One day, she would understand, and I would be right there alongside her to help her through it. I understood the point of this spell now. It was clear I had more than one job as a reaper. I could help the dead cross over into Alora, but as long as I was living, I could also help the living cross over into a new life after they'd lost somebody.

Problem was, I was still learning how to do that myself.