Chapter 31

Iwalked upstairs, knowing I needed to sleep off the effects of the panic attack. I brushed my teeth, washed my face, and pulled my hair into a messy bun. I slipped on my pajamas and climbed into bed. Between the attack and my emotions being so out of whack, as soon as I closed my eyes, I felt myself drifting off.

There was a soft knock on my bedroom door.

I opened my eyes, but my room was still dark. I couldn't be sure if I'd dreamt the sound or if it was just my imagination running wild. I closed my eyes, trying to fall back asleep, but there was another knock.

My eyes popped open. I knew I locked my bedroom door, but I was home alone. No one should've been knocking on my bedroom door. I grabbed my phone and dialed nine-one-one but didn't hit send. I slipped out from under my covers and moved to my chair, grabbing the bottle of pepper spray that I kept for an emergency in my handbag. I held my finger on the nozzle of the pepper spray, switched on my bedroom light, then cracked open the door.

I inhaled sharply.

Crew stood there with his hands in his pockets.

I lowered the pepper spray and opened the door the rest of the way. "What are you doing here?"

"I just wanted to see if you were okay," he said.

"I'm good," I lied.

He eyed the pepper spray in my hand. "Did I scare you?"

"Of course you scared me. I'm home alone and someone's knocking on my bedroom door."

"Sorry."

I huffed. "It's fine." I stepped aside so he could come in.

"You sure?" he asked.

"Who the hell knows anymore," I said as he moved past me into my room and I closed the door.

His body felt so much bigger in my room now that we were alone…and not together anymore. His eyes swept around, taking in my unmade bed. "Did I wake you?"

"Not really," I said, turning off my phone and tucking the pepper spray back into my handbag.

He leaned against my dresser with his hands in his pockets. "I'm glad you came to the game."

"Yeah?" I asked as I sat down on the edge of my bed.

He nodded, and the awkwardness in the room was enough to drive a sane person crazy.

"Well, congratulations. You guys deserved to win."

"Cody really came through," he said.

"Yeah. I'm so happy for him."

"Did Sam bring you home?" Crew asked.

"Yeah. Didn't he make it back to Monty's?"

He shrugged.

"Oh, you might've been too busy with that girl to notice," I said, trying not to sound jealous even though I selfishly was.

"She was nobody," he said.

I held up my hands, wishing I wasn't relieved to hear that. "Not my business."

"Of course it's your business." He pushed off my dresser and walked the few feet to my bed, sitting down beside me. His weight dipped the bed pulling me closer to him, but I stopped myself from leaning into him. "I can't stand this distance between us."

I looked down, suddenly scared to be that close to him.

"This week's been hell," he began. "All I kept seeing was the look on your face when I told you why I left."

"I'm fine."

"Well, I'm far from it."

My eyes lifted to his. "I think we need to consider what happened between us as a blip in time," I said. "We had no idea we were…you know…so it didn't really count."

"It's not just that, Peyton," he said, pain evident in his features. "It's the fact that I can't shake you."

My eyes widened, blindsided by his admission.

"I miss the feel of your skin," he continued. "The taste of your kiss. Your laugh—"

"Stop," I whispered.

"I don't care who you are," he continued. "I just want to be with you."

"Stop," I repeated as my heart began to thrash against the wall of my chest.

"Why?"

I wanted him to want me as much as I wanted him to stay away from me. That's what made it so difficult. The conflicting feelings were at constant odds with each other. But in the end, we needed to forget everything that happened. "Because we can't."

"Says who?"

I swallowed down the lump of emotion in my throat. "Crew."

"Peyton."

"Don't make this any harder than it already is," I said.

"Harder? You just said you were fine," he reminded me.

"Well—"

His lips crashed against mine. I pressed my hands to his chest to push him back, but he slipped his arms around me, holding me tightly to him.

This is wrong.

This is so wrong.

But I couldn't stop. Our tongues moved together like they had so many times before. I was home in his arms. I was his in his arms. And despite the truth, I wanted to forget it all for the night and get lost in his kiss.

But I couldn't.

I pulled back, breathless and flushed. "We can't do this."

"We just did," he countered.

"Well, it can't happen again," I said, trying to get my heart and head in sync.

He swept a loose strand of my hair away from my face, and his touch elicited tingles to my skin. "Let me stay with you tonight."

"No."

"You're in this big house alone. I'd feel better if I stayed."

"I told you I'm fine."

"I promise I won't do anything like we just did," he said.

"You just did. I was an unwilling participant."

He scoffed, not buying a word of it. "There's nothing wrong with us sharing a bed if we're fully clothed. We did it many times."

"You have your own house," I said, knowing this was a terrible idea. "And, your own bed."

He paused for a long moment, and I expected him to agree to leave. "Yeah, but my heart's here."

A shiver racked through my body.

"And, I don't fucking know what to do with that."

My stomach flipped over. He couldn't say things like that and make me feel things I shouldn't feel.

He cupped my cheeks between his hands and stared into my eyes. "We're in this together. We're the only ones who understand what the other's going through."

My eyes riveted between his. He was right. We were alone in this. No one else could possibly understand. And, although I knew the difference between right and wrong, I just wasn't strong enough to force him away.

I pulled away from his hands, inching back toward my pillow. Crew realized what I was doing and stood up. I slipped under my covers.

Taking this as me acquiescing, he shucked his sneakers and peeled his shirt over his head. That's when I saw he was wearing my pink shell necklace.

I sucked in a sharp breath and tears stung my eyes.

He switched off my lights, and then we were in complete darkness. He walked to my bed and climbed under the blankets, spooning me like he had many times before. And, I didn't even fight it.

We lay in silence.

I focused on the soft whoosh of our breaths and the steady thuds of our heartbeats. I tried not to focus on the way his hard body pressed to mine. Or, the way his arms wrapped around my body so that we fit perfectly together. I tried not to inhale his sandalwood scent which was wrapped around me like a lost blanket that I'd just found again.

"You took my necklace," I said.

"I needed to have a piece of you with me."

I didn't know how to respond.

"We wasted a lot of time," he said.

"You were a stubborn ass."

He laughed. "Takes one to know one."

"Hindsight," I mused.

"I still can't believe you let me sleep in bed with you that first night."

"Why?"

"I thought for sure you were plotting something."

I laughed. "Yeah, I'm quite sneaky like that."

"Well, you and Gina pulled off a good one with your wigs. Even if I wasn't fooled."

"How did you know?" I asked.

"When you only have eyes for one person, you notice everything about them. The way they walk. The way they hold their head. The curves of their body. I spotted you the second you sat down in those right field bleachers."

A strange combination of sadness and joy swirled low in my belly. How could I feel both at the same time? It was so strange to be so close yet so far away from another human being—especially one you shared memories with. "This isn't making things easier."

"What?" he asked.

"It's easier to get over someone you don't see."

"I don't want you to get over me," he said.

"That's not fair."

"Why not?" he asked.

"Don't you want me to be happy?"

"Yeah, with me."

"Crew."

"It's not like our parents are together."

"Do you even hear yourself right now?"

"Yeah. Who's ever gonna know if we don't say anything?"

"I'll know," I challenged.

"Does it make you sick knowing we…?"

"I don't want to regret it, but, now that we know, I know it's wrong."

He didn't respond.

Did he seriously think if no one knew, we could carry on like we didn't share DNA? Was it that easy for him to overlook it? "This was a bad idea," I said, attempting to get out of his arms.

He tightened his arms around me. "I won't say anything else. Just please don't take this away from me."

Tears pricked my eyes. I knew, when he left in the morning, I'd need to stay away from him. I'd never get over him if all I could see was him.