Chapter 8

8

Kacey looked even younger all cleaned up. As it turned out, his hair was blond, not muddy brown, and a lot of what he thought were bruises was actually smeared blood. Not that the boy wasn’t beat up, he just looked… more human.

Some good rest, a bath, and comfort food had been good for Kacey, and good for River too in a way. He’d had a little time to think, and to take things slow.

Kacey was in and out. He’d be awake for a while, then doze off. He’d really liked the pizza, but as soon as River turned on the TV, the boy was out.

Every time Kacey floated off, the boy cuddled in, drawn to him like a magnet. Then he would wake himself up, blink, and ease away.

That was all right. Eventually, the boy would stop fighting what he already understood—on some level—that River was good for him. That River would keep him safe.

That River could give him what he needed.

And River could be patient.

His shoulder was stiff, and his arm was asleep, but he’d be damned if he was moving right now. Kacey sighed softly and stretched, pushing against him close enough that he could feel the brush of those long eyelashes.

He pressed a kiss to Kacey’s forehead. It was reflexive, and he didn’t let himself overthink it. River was happy to hold the boy, soothe him, keep him calm so he could heal. He still wasn’t convinced that Kacey would stay once he was healed physically, so the stronger this trust he was building could be the better.

Kacey woke up, pulling away with a moan. “God, I’m sorry. I keep being a dork. Tell me I’m not drooling on you.”

River put a hand on his shoulder. “Kacey. Don’t apologize. You need the rest, and I promised you the time to do it.”

“Yeah, but it’s a… I mean… it’s a little super-friendly.” Kacey smiled at him, vulnerability pouring off him in waves.

“I am your friend, Kacey,” he said seriously. “And I want to take care of you.”

“But—” Kacey searched his eyes, brows drawing down as if River was doing something dangerous. “I haven’t done anything to deserve it. Even Sam’s mad at me…”

“If we only ever helped people that deserved it, none of us would ever get help from anyone.” River slid closer on the couch. “Sam is upset because you dragged him into a fight he didn’t want. But he understands why. Being mad doesn’t make you not friends, and you’ll get your chance to apologize.”

“I hope so. I’m real sorry he got hurt.”

Not that Kacey was sorry for fighting or insulting the bikers. Or putting himself in danger, being unsafe, drinking too much, being reckless…

Just that Sam got hurt.

Kacey’s total lack of self-respect was a problem they were going to have to work on.

Not that he had the first fucking idea how.

“He got hurt because of your impaired decision-making, Kacey. Because of a reckless disregard for your own health and safety. You’re going to have to give that some thought.”

Kacey nodded and sighed softly. “Yeah, I hear you. No reason to drag anyone into hell with me. I was mad as hell. Still am, I guess.”

“There is no reason for you to dive headfirst into hell either. None. You don’t deserve punishment, you’re not a fuckup, and you’re not out of options.”

Now the expression was sheer shock. “How did—How did you—Did I talk in my sleep?”

Even if Kacey hadn’t said a word, it didn’t take much to extrapolate the reasons behind the boy’s actions. Self-destructive behavior was what it was, and he’d seen it many times before. Hell, he’d been there himself for a while.

“I pay attention.” And his bathtub really was a wondrous place.

“I got to get better at that cowboying-up thing, huh?” He got a wink with pink cheeks.

“No. No, Kacey. Just the opposite. You need to get better at being honest with your feelings. At trusting. You need to forget the culture that makes you close it all up and let it out instead. There are times when controlling your emotions is appropriate, of course, but this isn’t one of them.” He wanted all the raw honesty Kacey would give him.

“That’s not how I was taught. Not a bit.”

He hummed his disapproval. “How far has that instruction gotten you? How well has it served you, boy? All this time. Is it helping you?”

Kacey wouldn’t meet his eyes. “I don’t know. Hell, I am so fucking full of not knowing that it’s stupid. I don’t know a goddamn thing that I used to know. I thought I was okay, right up until I wasn’t, and why the hell are you calling me boy?”

“Does it bother you?” He’d rather avoid a direct answer for the moment.

“No. You aren’t being mean. I can tell. It’s just weird.”

“Not in my world, it’s not. For now, just know that it’s meant affectionately, and it’s a reminder that I want to help you on your journey. Thomas calls Sam ‘boy’ as well. I promise it’s meant respectfully.”

What a can of worms. Maybe he should be more careful, because he wasn’t ready to dive too deep with Kacey yet.

“Yeah. They’re… intense, but Sam sure does love him.”

“Yes, indeed. Thomas would move heaven and earth for Sam, too.” He’d never known a couple more devoted to each other—lovers, Dom and sub, best friends. It was something to aspire to.

“Yeah. Sam’s got his shit together.” Kacey took a deep breath and let it out. “Sometimes I think⁠—”

Kacey stopped himself with a wry little chuckle, then shook his head.

“Finish your thought, boy. Honesty, remember? These conversations stay between us, I promise.”

Kacey shook his head, body rocking the slightest bit, as if there was music playing somewhere and Kacey simply couldn’t stay still. “I just wonder if I shouldn’t have been someone else. Someone not born to make one stupid decision after another.”

“You know.” He took Kacey’s hand in both of his. Kacey already was someone else. He was out, he was in New York, he was trying to figure it out. “Have you ever considered that none of this is your fault? You’ve been trying to be who you were taught to be, and you were dropped into circumstances beyond your control. Maybe you need to take some time to figure who you really are now that you can make those decisions for yourself.”

“I don’t… I’m sorry, man. I don’t understand. I’ve never been anything else but who I am… I try to be better, but I don’t know how to be anything but a marginal bullrider.”

“Okay. That’s all right. You’ll understand better with time, and as we work together. I can teach you to be more than you can imagine.” That was cryptic enough that it should prompt Kacey to wonder, maybe eventually ask some questions.

“Right now, my imaginator is broke-dick.” That made Kacey chuckle softly and straighten. “But if you give me a bit, it’ll start back up.” Then he got a head tilt. “Are you like a life coach? I can’t see Sam being friends with a cult leader, and I ain’t got enough money to be a-a-a-member.”

He laughed. Someone who didn’t know better might call Sin Deep a cult, but it was a club—membership was voluntary and incredibly cheap for subs. “I’m really just a nobody with money and too much time on my hands. But I have an interest in something like life coaching, yes.” Just a lot sexier and with orgasms. He instantly regretted even thinking that because Kacey was already making his balls heavy. He could jack off to the image of Kacey in his bathtub for days.

He probably would.

“Good deal. You’re handsome and easy to talk to.” Kacey squeezed his hands. “I bet you do fine, coaching. I got faith.”

Faith. He was lucky he even heard that. He’d almost stopped listening after Kacey called him handsome. “I have faith in you too, Kacey.”

“Somebody’s got to, right?” Kacey smiled at him, and there was a heaviness, this age in his gaze. “I appreciate this, and I swear to you, I’m trying to make things right.”

“What does that mean? Make things right? Make what right?”

“Everything. I can’t think of a solitary thing I touched that I ain’t broke, ’cept for you, and I’ve only known you two days.”

Everything was too big; Kacey was going to make himself crazy. “My guess is that there are very few things you really need to spend your time on fixing, and the rest you just have to let go of. Sam and Thomas, maybe Mike at the bar… do you really care about fixing the rest of it?”

Kacey’s lips parted, then there was the tiniest shake of his head, like he couldn’t believe he’d done it.

Baby steps. “Talk, boy. It’s heavy now. When you get it off your chest it will be lighter.”

“I—Everyone believed I did it. No question. Everybody.” Kacey closed his eyes, hiding away from him.

“I’m sorry. I can’t imagine anyone thinking such awful things of you. But Kacey, they didn’t know you. Not if they believed you could hurt anyone that way. They didn’t love you, because they didn’t stand by you. Those are people you have to let go. There’s nothing to fix and there’s no point in trying.” The truth was hard, and he knew it would hurt, but Kacey needed to know the whole world wasn’t that way.

“Yeah. There ain’t a lot of folks that do, I guess.” There was another one of those long, slow breaths. “Do you play backgammon or anything?”

He smiled at Kacey. Okay, no more hard talk for now. “I do. I have a great board; do you want to play?”

“Yeah, that would be cool. Thanks. I’d offer to play cards, but—” Kacey held up his hands.

“A cut-throat hand of cribbage is in our future.” He winked. Kacey was right, of course. The boy needed some time to breathe. “I’ll get the board. Coffee?”