CHAPTER 20

"S he told you that she liked you?" Ruthie asked.

"Yes, and that she shouldn't."

"But you're sure she meant that she likes you as more than a friend?"

"Ruthie, yes. She told me that she's attracted to me; interested in me."

"But she's prosecuting your sister."

"I'm aware of that, and so is she. That's the problem."

" That's the problem?!" Ruthie exclaimed.

"Where are you? It's loud."

"I'm out getting my morning coffee. Where are you ?"

"At home, getting dressed for the hearing. You called me to check on the progress with your app from a coffee place?"

"I called you from the parking lot. There's a longer line than usual today, for some reason. Anyway, you just said that the problem was that she's the lawyer trying to put your new sister away for murder."

"Pretty big problem. Don't you think?" she asked.

"Um… Kieran. You're not gay. That's the problem. You're also not bi, as far as I know. You're not queer or anything other than straight. And we talked about our fun college years – or, rather, my fun college years, where I kissed a few girls at parties and even felt one up under the bra once – but you never confessed to even kissing anyone other than Diego during those usual years of exploration or any time after. Even when you two were apart, I don't think you went on a single date."

"I've never been with a woman, no, and I'm not gay."

"Okay. Then, explain to me how, when you're telling me what the main, biggest , most important problem in this scenario between you and Carina is, you mention the case and not the fact that she's a woman and you're not attracted to her?"

Kieran flopped onto her bed and said, "I can't."

"Shit. Really? You're into her? You're into a woman?"

"I don't know. It's confusing. She's trying to put my twin sister in prison for something I don't think Marin actually did."

"But that's changing the subject back to the case, and we're talking about how you might be into a woman for the first time ever. First time ever, right?"

"Yes, it's the first time ever." Kieran laughed. "But I don't even know if I'm really into her."

"Oh, I think you do. If we're talking like this, you do," Ruthie said. "Can I get a venti iced caramel latte with extra caramel and a blueberry scone?"

"What?"

"Hold on," Ruthie told her. "Thank you."

"What?" she repeated.

"I'm not talking to you, Kieran. Give me a second."

Kieran waited while she listened to the cacophony of sound from Ruthie's end of the phone as people stopped by the coffee shop to pick up their morning drink and breakfast.

"Okay. I'm back. There's a hearing, right?"

"Yes, today. It's about some evidence Carina wants to get admitted in that could hurt Marin."

"And you're into this woman?"

"Ruthie, I'm being serious here."

"I know you are. And I know things are crazy for you right now, which is why there's no progress on my app, but that's totally fine. Do you want to grab a drink later and talk about this in person, though? I feel like you're going through a lot, and I should be there for you."

"Weirdly, Carina's been there for me."

"Because she wants to sleep with you," Ruthie suggested.

"I don't think that's it."

"No, that's it."

Kieran laughed and replied, "I mean, I guess so, yes. She likes me like that, so… probably. But I think it's more than that. She wouldn't risk her case and maybe her career just for sex, and especially with someone who has no real experience."

"You've slept with Diego about a million times."

"I think you're overestimating the number of times Diego and I had sex. But I meant being with a woman. If she was going to risk things for sex with someone, it wouldn't be someone like me, who isn't likely to... you know… get her there."

"Hey, you don't know that," Ruthie said. "I've never been with a woman outside of the under-the-bra stuff a thousand years ago, but I remember talking to that girl about it. She said I'd just do what I liked myself, and we'd go from there. I even thought about it for a second before I realized that girls weren't for me, but I think that's a good place to start. Wait." Ruthie paused then. "Are you thinking about that? Sex with Carina?"

"Well, I wasn't ," Kieran said. "I thought something was different about her and that I liked her, and– Okay, maybe for, like, a second, I did think about what kissing her might be like, but that was it."

"Until?"

"She's standing in my living room, telling me that she feels something for me, and I'm telling her that I'm recently divorced. That's why I said nothing could happen. I think I saw her smirk, and she didn't say anything, but I know what that smirk was about."

"First, describe the smirk."

"What?"

"Just go with it."

Kieran thought for a second, smiled, and said, "Sexy."

"Shit, yeah, it was!" Ruthie laughed. "Sexy, smirking Carina. You want her."

"The past two nights, I've been thinking about it, and I know I can't."

"Hold on. What do you think the smirk was about? Go back to that."

"The same thing you caught me doing before. I had reasons for why we couldn't see if there was something between us, and neither of my reasons – the divorce thing or the fact that she's prosecuting Marin – referenced my sexuality."

"Oh, shit. She caught you, didn't she?" Ruthie laughed again.

"Yeah, I think she did. She does that, though, and it's actually really…" Kieran swallowed.

"Sexy. It's sexy, isn't it? That she catches that stuff."

"Yes." Kieran laughed. "And I don't know what to do with that because I can't like her."

"Because of the woman thing?"

"Because she's–"

"Okay. Hold on. Before you say that it's because of Marin, just stop and think for a second. Had you met Carina at a bar or online or at some grocery store where you were buying bananas, and she made some penis joke and made you laugh, would you still be into her?"

"Penis joke? Really?"

"Well, it happens," Ruthie replied. "How do you think I met Gavin?"

"Oh, God. I forgot all about Gavin," Kieran said, laughing a little. "Who made the penis joke, exactly?"

"Me; because he was just so hot, and I got nervous. The sex was amazing, though."

"God, what's that like?" Kieran said as she stood back up and stared down at the business suit she'd chosen for court.

"What's what like? Sex with Gavin?"

"Just hot sex in general."

"Come on… You and Diego never had hot sex? Not even once?"

"Sex that I might have thought was hot back when I was young, but not in a very, very long time. And, you know, hindsight is twenty-twenty, so I'm not sure that it was even all that hot, now that I think about it. Once in the shower, it was pretty good. Well, it started that way. He jumped in after me, and I thought we'd start in there and take it to the bedroom, but he finished in there, and I didn't."

"You need to get laid, girl, and by someone who knows what they're doing. Do you think Carina knows what she's doing?"

"How would I even know that?"

"How does she seem when you're with her?"

"Seem? I don't know. Normal?"

"Well, if she were just normal , you wouldn't suddenly be having first-time feelings for a woman when you never have before."

"She's got this kind of confidence thing going for her. It's not arrogance, but confidence, and it makes her–"

"Sexy, again?" Ruthie guessed.

"Yes," Kieran said.

"And?"

"And… yeah, she's beautiful. She's smart – brilliant, even – and she can keep up with me. That's the part I think I like the most."

"So, she's got some kind of inexplicable confidence, then? Yeah, she's probably good in bed, and she knows it. You should pursue this."

"Ruthie!" Kieran laughed.

"What? Kieran, you married the first and only guy you've ever been with because he gave you the time of day when so many others didn't, but you're not in love with him anymore. You're in your mid-thirties, you're successful, and yeah, you're going through it right now because of this whole sister's case, but you deserve to find something real and with someone who's actually your match. If that's this Carina, great. And if it's not her, at least you'd know, and you might get some really great, hot sex out of it before it ends. If you don't want to try now, I get it. It is complicated. I'm not na?ve. Just maybe get through this whole Marin debacle, see if there's something worth pursuing with Carina then, and get laid in the meantime."

"The case could go on for years. Marin's trial could be next year, and then, there are appeals if she's convicted."

"You really do like her, huh?" Ruthie said seriously this time, and there was no more noise coming from her side of the call, indicating that she was probably back in her car.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because you just said years , Kieran. Meaning, you've actually thought about how long you'd have to wait for things to get uncomplicated. That means something."

"I don't even know her that well. There's no point in me talking about this."

"You pictured it, though, didn't you? After she told you how she felt, you said you thought about it. What did you think about? Just the possibility of sleeping with her?"

"What? No," Kieran answered quickly.

"You'll see her today?"

"I guess. She'll be presenting her case. I'll be in the peanut gallery, watching and hoping she fails because this could harm Marin, but also not because I like her, so I want her to be successful. It's very confusing."

"Talk to her. Just tell her that you need to think about it."

"But I don't. It can't happen."

"Things change all the time, Kieran. Something might happen with this case that makes it possible. If I were her, I'd want to know that you were also a possibility should that become the situation."

Ruthie hadn't been very helpful, in Kieran's opinion, because she'd told her that it was okay to acknowledge her attraction to Carina, and Kieran had needed her to tell her that it was a horrible idea and that she should never pursue it and stay away from the woman completely.

Now, Kieran was sitting on a wooden bench that lined the back wall of the hallway of the courthouse because they hadn't been let into the courtroom for the start of the hearing yet, and Carina was standing by the elevator, talking to someone whom Kieran didn't recognize, and wearing a pencil-skirt business suit in emerald-green. It made her stand out from the crowd of people who mostly wore grays and blacks, but she would've stood out wearing anything; Carina was just that beautiful.

"Hey."

Kieran looked up to find Carina suddenly standing right in front of her. She must have zoned out or something, and now, she was caught off guard and didn't know what to say. Her eyes went wide in shock that she'd managed to miss the woman walking up to her, which Carina noticed, given her expression.

"Okay. I'll start. Good morning, Kieran. I really don't want things to be awkward between us since I stopped by your apartment the other night and told you that I was attracted to you. If you want to just be new sort-of-weird friends with me, I can do that, and we can just forget about what happened the other night."

"I don't want to forget about it," Kieran said softly.

"You don't?" Carina asked before she shifted her bag to her other hand and sat down next to Kieran. "I didn't really mess this up?"

"I like that you told me. It means that you feel like you can trust me with telling me things like that."

"Things like I'm attracted to you and want to go out with you?" Carina smiled.

"Yeah, that." Kieran laughed a little. "It's fine, okay? It doesn't have to be awkward between us."

"No?"

"Only if we make it awkward."

"Well, let's not do that," Carina suggested.

"Okay."

"But it might get a little more awkward for another reason. I'm about to go in there and–"

"I know. It's your job, though. I'm not happy about it, but I understand."

"If it makes you feel better, I'm not happy about it, either. I wish I didn't have to do something that could hurt you like this. I don't know what… I can ask to have another ADA put on this case, but I don't think my boss will do it."

"I know. I understand."

"Good morning," Frank said as he cleared his throat.

"Mr.Richard," Carina greeted and quickly stood up. "I'll see you in there." She looked down at Kieran and gave her a soft smile. "You too, I guess."

"Nah, I'll be in the back of the room, and you face the front, so I doubt you'll even notice me sitting in the back row putting a curse on you." Kieran winked at her.

Carina laughed and said, "I'll have to turn around to catch that, then."

"You do that, Counselor," Kieran tossed back at her.

Carina gave her a look that said that she might be understanding Kieran right now. Kieran was flirting with her, and she was aware of it herself, but Carina was maybe, too, now. That made Kieran's heart race like nothing else before ever had.