CHAPTER 19

"I just feel like I'm going a little crazy here," Carina said.

"Over Kieran?" Kenna asked.

"I'm supposed to go out with someone tonight. It's a first date that we've been planning or kind of planning on having for about a month now, but she's been busy with work, so we put it off. And, honestly, I didn't want to bring anyone home, with Tinley still there, so I've been putting it off, too."

"Is it that Jessa woman you've mentioned?" Ripley asked.

"No, Jessa and I only have sex, and we haven't done that in…. well, since before I met Kieran, technically."

"So, you're going out with someone who's decidedly not the woman you want to be going out with?" Kenna asked.

"Yes. And Kieran is complicated and also straight."

"But you're into her and not this other woman?" Ripley asked.

Carina pushed her wineglass away and said, "I'm not not into Amalia."

"Amalia? That's a pretty name," Kenna noted.

"I know. She's Swedish. Well, her mother and father were born and raised there before they moved here and had her. She's forty-two, been divorced for five years, and is a successful attorney."

"How'd you meet her?" Ripley asked as she wrapped an arm over the back of Kenna's chair.

"ABA meeting."

Kenna looked at her, confused, and said, "The lawyer thing, right?"

"American Bar Association. We met there and got to talking, but she's been busy with work, and I didn't press for more than just a phone call here and there until she could actually get free for the night."

"And that night is tonight, but you're out for a drink with us?" Kenna asked.

"She and I are going to this coffee house thing at eight. It's an open-mic night with no alcohol, and I wanted a glass of wine to warm me up a little, you know?"

"Because you like Kieran, and you're going to have to feign interest in this Amalia," Ripley added. "You should talk to Kieran."

"And tell her what? That I think something could be happening between us, but I'm wrong because she's straight? Oh, and I'm prosecuting her twin sister for a crime that Kieran doesn't believe Marin committed."

"Sounds simple to me when you put it that way." Kenna joked.

"You're not helping," Carina replied.

"I know. Sorry. Bad joke."

"No, I mean the interview thing."

"Oh, that," Kenna said. "It's my job, Carina. The same way your job is to prosecute Marin."

"No, it's different because you choose your stories. I don't choose my cases. You know you have episodes for years, with all the crime in this country, yet you chose this one."

"Marin agreed to the interview. And I work for a network, so I don't always get to pick and choose what we cover, Carina. Sometimes, it's another producer telling me to get on a case. Other times, the network is interested, and we don't have much of a choice. What was I supposed to do?"

"How is Kenna's story causing you a problem?" Ripley asked.

"This whole thing is a mess." Carina sighed. "I'm into a straight woman who used to be married to a man who was – at least, for a little while – Marin's attorney, and he wanted Kieran back, too. At least, that part is over now, but Marin still won't take the deal I'm offering her, even though it's a great deal, and she's now doing this interview, which will only get her in trouble. People won't believe she's innocent, Kenna, and you'll be poisoning her jury pool by putting this out there."

"But you're not supposed to care about that because you should want her to do the interview if it's going to hurt her case," Kenna argued. "So, what's going on there?"

"What's going on is that I can't help but feel like I'm missing something."

"About Marin?" Ripley asked.

"Yes. There's just something about her that makes me want to believe her. She's surprisingly like Kieran."

"Surprisingly? They're twins."

"Yes, Kenna." Carina rolled her eyes at her for pointing out the obvious. "They're also so different and grew up under completely different circumstances, but they're both just so direct and honest and logical, it seems. I don't know why, but when I've listened to Marin give her statement, I just… I believe her. And I shouldn't because the evidence tells a completely different story. I believe Kieran, too, and she believes her sister. I know she's biased and overwhelmed with finding out she has a twin, to begin with, but when I look at her, it's like I can sense that she knows something because she's Marin's twin."

"What? Like that whole twin connection thing people say twins have?" Ripley asked.

"Maybe. Kieran isn't dumb or na?ve, but she believes Marin, so I wonder if there's something to that, you know? Like, she knows things I can't know or see in the evidence, and she's right."

"Well, there's also the fact that you're into her, so that might be why you believe her," Kenna suggested.

"Maybe. Although, I really don't think so." Carina shook her head. "I just like her, and it's starting to drive me a little crazy. I want to see her all the time and talk to her about anything other than the case, but the case keeps seeping back into the conversation, and I don't know what to do about that. Your story isn't helping, Kenna. It's just another thing we keep having to talk about."

"What do you want me to do?" Kenna asked. "I haven't done the interview yet, but we're scheduling it for next week."

"Stop it," she answered. "At least until the trial is over."

"The point is to have the first episode out before the trial and then to do a follow-up piece."

"I'm aware," Carina said on a sigh.

"Babe, can you maybe do something else?" Ripley asked. "I mean, you have so many story options."

"And I have an inkling that this is going to be big," Kenna replied.

"I know. And I know how hard those are for you to resist, but it's not just Carina asking you as a friend. What you're doing might end up hurting someone who may be innocent."

"We don't know that."

"No, but we don't know that she's guilty, either."

"That's all of my stories," Kenna said, laughing a little.

"This one feels different, Kenna," Carina added. "I don't know how to explain why I think that, but I do."

"You're still prosecuting her, though."

"Yes. I have to. The evidence says she killed him, and it's not my choice, anyway. I'm not the DA yet."

"Yet." Kenna laughed. "If it were your choice, would you prosecute her?"

Carina really wished she could say no, but she couldn't. If she were the DA right now, looking at the evidence and only the evidence, she'd have to answer yes. But she did tell Kenna that she'd want more time to investigate what her gut was telling her to investigate.

After she finished her wine, Carina paid for all of their drinks since she'd been the one to invite them out specifically to try to get Kenna to slow down on her story, which, thankfully, Kenna had agreed to do. Then, she drove home to shower and change for the date she had been looking forward to up until recently.

Not wanting to cancel on Amalia after so much time talking about getting a night out together, she showed up five minutes early to the café that Amalia had picked out and saw that the woman was already there and sitting at a table. Amalia smiled at her, and Carina smiled back, but it was forced on her part because she didn't want to be here. She wanted to be somewhere with Kieran. As a result, the entire date, Carina had been distracted, which she'd been able to cover up, she hoped, by listening to the musicians and poets perform on the makeshift stage about twenty feet away from their table. When Amalia took her hand and set it in her lap, Carina didn't pull away, but she didn't move to entwine their fingers, either, and when the performances were done and their check was paid, she only kissed Amalia on the cheek and told her that she'd text her later. Then, she got into her car and headed in the direction of Kieran's apartment.

"Hi," she said when Kieran opened the door.

"Carina?"

"I should've called. I know."

"Is something wrong? Did something happen with–"

"Everything's fine. Can I come in this time?"

"Oh, yeah," Kieran said. "Sorry about the first time you were here. I should've invited you in then."

Carina walked in with purpose and waited for Kieran to close the door behind her.

"I need to tell you something, and before you ask, it's not about the case. It's about us."

"Us?"

"Can I sit? I feel like I need to sit. I'm sweating a little, I think. I'm not usually much of a sweater."

"Yes. What's going on? Are you okay?"

"Actually, can I stand? I feel like I need to be able to move."

"You can sit, or you can stand. You can even kneel, if you really want to, or lie down, if you need to, as long as you tell me what's going on. You're scaring me, Carina."

"I like you," Carina revealed. "I like you a lot, and I shouldn't."

Kieran stood there, in the middle of her living room, looking stunned, and she didn't say anything.

"Yeah…" Carina decided to continue after a moment. "And I just spent half of my night convincing Kenna to leave your sister alone, which I shouldn't have done because it works in my favor if she does that stupid interview, but Kenna agreed to back off for now, and–"

"Kenna backed off?"

"Yes. But that's not what I really came here to talk to you about. I spent the other half of my night on a date with a perfectly intelligent, beautiful, kind woman who brought me to a coffee shop to listen to people perform their own songs and poems – which, I'll admit, isn't my dream date, but it was still romantic, and she was sweet – and I feel horrible because I was completely distracted the whole time and not thinking about her at all. At one point, she asked me if I liked one of the songs, and I just nodded, but that song could've been horrible or about something bad, and I never would've known because I wasn't paying attention."

"Why?"

"Kieran, you know why. I just told you. I like you."

"I like you, too. You know that."

"No, I mean that I like you. I feel like a teenager right now, but I like you as more than a friend. I'm interested in you. I am attracted to you. And I can't be."

"Oh," Kieran let out and walked over to her sofa. "You mean you like me?" She sat down.

"Yes, I like you." Carina let out a deep breath. "And I just needed you to know, I think, because, well, I feel like you've been completely honest with me so far, and you probably shouldn't have even done that given the position I'm in."

"I trust you," Kieran replied.

Carina swallowed.

"I shouldn't, but I do," Kieran added and shrugged a shoulder. "I feel like you wouldn't do anything to put me at risk or even to put Marin at risk, which I know sounds weird, but I'm not defining risk by putting in jail."

Carina laughed a little and said, "If Marin gets convicted, it will be because I argued the case based on evidence in court."

"I know," Kieran replied. "And I like you, too, but–"

"Not like that. I know. I get it."

"I just got divorced. Well, not just, but in a way, it still feels like that because Diego's still been a part of my life up until recently, acting like we're together."

Carina tilted her head because that wasn't the reason that she'd thought Kieran would give her for why they couldn't try this. She'd expected her to first bring up the fact that she was a heterosexual woman who wasn't attracted to other women.

"Plus, you're, well, prosecuting my sister. I don't–"

"Yeah," she said, interrupting Kieran then because the next thing she'd say might be that she was straight, and for whatever reason, Carina felt that if Kieran didn't say that out loud, it wasn't the truth, and there might be a chance one day. "I just needed to tell you because if there was… something here… a chance for… more than that new sort-of-weird friendship, I'd have to recuse myself from the case."

"You can do that?" Kieran asked.

"If I have a good reason, not just because I want to. My boss wouldn't let me otherwise."

" This is a good reason," Kieran replied. "They could put someone else on the case."

"This isn't a good reason if nothing's going to happen between us, Kieran. Besides, I think I might need to take some time with this."

"What do you mean?"

"Not spending time with you. Maybe we just cool the friend thing until after."

"After the trial? Won't that be months or a year or something from now?"

"We have the hearing the day after tomorrow to get some evidence admitted," Carina said.

"The cigarettes?"

"Yes. I have to at least see if the judge will allow it, but I don't expect him to. Anyway, that kind of kicks things off, and we'll get a trial date after that unless the defense has more motions to file."

"So, you don't want to see me until after the trial?"

"No, I want to see you all the time ," she admitted, still standing there in Kieran's living room, holding her purse in her hands in front of her body like a protective shell that was failing on all parts. "I kicked Tinley out because of you, Kieran. Not you specifically, I mean. With you there, giving Tinley back everything she tossed at you, I felt something. I felt ready to stop enabling her and to finally move on with my own life. And tonight, I kept thinking of you. I didn't think of Amalia."

"Amalia? What is it with you dating women with strange names?"

"I'm sorry; Kieran . You were saying?" Carina laughed for a second before adding, "Not that we're dating… I just meant that–"

"I know what you meant," Kieran replied.

"I should go."

"You can stay. We can keep talking."

"No, it's late. And, well, now, I could use another glass of wine and my bathtub, to be honest, so I'll get out of your hair."

"Carina, you're not in my hair."

"Still," Carina replied. "Will I see you at the hearing?"

"Of course," Kieran said.

"Okay. Well, we'll just take it from there, then."

"Okay. I guess." Kieran stood up and approached her slowly as if she no longer knew how to handle Carina now that Carina had told her how she felt.

"Good night, Kieran."

"Night," Kieran replied.