Chapter 6

6

Colin

O kay, so I can fully admit that a lot of the time, when it comes to stuff that's not book smarts, I can be a bit lost. This isn't one of those times, not really, but then maybe it is.

"Ugh!" I groan into my empty room, unsure of what I feel, much less if I have the right to feel it. This soft voice in my brain that doesn't always speak up tells me I'm overreacting. So Ash jerks off on camera. It's not the end of the world. To each their own and all that, but then…then that's not the part that has me in a tailspin, is it?

This whole situation is less about him doing it and more about the fact that he didn't tell me, that he didn't want to tell me. He would have actively tried to keep it from me if he could, and that's what has confusion going wild in my head.

Anyone else could keep this secret from me and I wouldn't bat an eye, but this is Ash. My Ash. My person. The one who came to me when he was bullied, the boy who helped me hide stray animals when we were young and I tried to sneak them into the house. The one who talks to me about how stuff with his mom makes him feel. We're a team, and no matter how many mental gymnastics I go through, I can't figure out why he would commit this Step Don't with me.

Why didn't he think he could trust me?

Have I done something to make him feel like he can't come to me with anything? He's the only person who could say, Here's this dead guy I just killed , and I'd be like, What time do we go hide the body?

Despite that, Ash didn't tell me.

What did I do wrong?

If I could understand why Ash is into it, why he wanted to keep it from me, then all the pieces would fit together.

I think…

Maybe…

Who the hell knows because in the almost ten years we've been stepbrothers, this situation never occurred.

I plop down on my bed, unable to find it in myself to care that I'm pouting. I close my eyes, and the first thing that pops into my head is the dejected look in his hazel eyes. He looked like I hurt him, but the thing is, he hurt me too. I don't care if we're codependent. This is us, and it's never caused us any problems before .

But he's also my Ash…my cuddly bro. My favorite person to talk to and spend time with. A guy couldn't ask for a better brother, and I'm the lucky one who has him. I don't have it in me to hurt him, so even though my heart is still banging against my chest and my thoughts are still spinning out of control with questions like why and…well, just why, why, and why? I push to my feet, quietly grumbling while I walk down the hallway to his bedroom.

I knock, and a second later it pulls open. "I would hide a body with you, Ash."

His brows pull together behind his glasses. "Just to confirm, is there currently a body we're talking about?"

I huff, annoyed but trying not to smile because he's Ash and he knows how to make me do that. I squeeze into his room and fall onto his bed, looking at the ceiling. "Remember when I had those glow-in-the-dark stars over my bed when we were kids?"

Ash climbs onto the mattress beside me. "And one day, while you were gone, I wrote my name in them."

A stupid, annoying grin tugs at my lips. "Yes. I wouldn't let you change it afterward, and I bought more with my allowance and put my name on your ceiling too."

"Wow, we're definitely codependent."

"We're brothers."

Ash sighs. "We're not normal brothers, Col. "

No, we're not. Even I get that, but. "I like us."

He cuddles close, setting his head on my pec. "I like us too."

"Then why didn't you tell me? I don't understand why you would try to keep this from me. Why you thought I would care. That's what hurts the most—that you didn't trust me or thought I would what, judge you?"

" I judge me."

I frown and sit up, and he does the same.

"Why?"

"I don't really… I don't know. Did you ever think that maybe I didn't tell you because I can't figure out why I'm doing it myself? If I can't explain it in my own head, how can I explain it to you?"

"There are a lot of things that go on in my head that I can't explain."

"That's not true. You're smart as hell. Almost as smart as me, but only almost."

The annoying Ash-induced smile returns.

"I'm better at law stuff."

"Don't sell yourself short. You're all right with a football too." We're joking, being playful, but then he looks away, eyes on his comforter as he draws pictures with the tip of his finger on it.

"What's wrong?" I hook my finger beneath his chin and tilt his head up.

"I don't want to fight with you, Col. And I don't want to make you feel like I don't trust you. I don't trust anyone more than you. It just…it feels good, and I don't know why it feels so good. Especially when I don't think it should."

Well, now I feel like an ass for being so hard on him. Funny how I can be hurt and annoyed but also feel guilty. "Maybe I would get it if I like…watched you do it?"

Ash's eyes go wide, his cute little mouth dropping open. "Excuse me, what?"

"I can be off camera. I'll see what happens, how you react and all that, and maybe that will help us both understand." I beam, feeling like the smartest person in the world. It's the perfect solution, and maybe I'll see something that clues Ash in on what the public jerkoffs do for him, which will help him but also help us understand why he didn't tell me. "I'm a genius!" I throw my arms in the air.

"Except for the small detail that you're asking to see me jerk off! Jesus, Col. That's a terrible idea."

I frown. "Why? It's not like it means anything. I've been naked in bed with you. Hell, I've seen you jack off before."

"That's not the same." He sounds exhausted by me. "And an accident."

"Well, me walking in was an accident, but the fact that I didn't walk out and then watched porn with you while tugging on my boner was absolutely not an accident." It hadn't been planned, sure, and it's not something we ever did again, but this wouldn't be any different.

"We were horny teens, and half the time we were making jokes about what we were watching. That was totally different. Why would you want to see me jerk off anyway? You're straight."

Which is true, but this isn't about sex. This is about trying to understand something Ash doesn't get. I know him. He likes answers. He's always had answers, so for him, not getting where this is coming from is probably stressing him out. "It's like an experiment…a sexperiment."

"I thought this wasn't about sex?"

"It's not, but the play on words was fun."

Ash laughs like I hoped he would, before sobering. "I really am sorry I didn't tell you. I wish I understood it better so I could have talked to you about it sooner."

"I know." I wrap my arm around him and pull him close. We lie down on the bed together again, my fingers running through his hair. "I'm sorry I freaked out on you. I don't know why I did that. I just… This feels like a big Step Don't, and I'm not sure why."

Ash sets his hand on my abs, tracing each indent between muscles with his finger. "I feel the same. Maybe if I figured out why, I could either jump in full steam ahead or pull back."

"Maybe." I don't offer to watch him again. The last thing I want is to come off as creepy. He knows the offer stands.

"No more secrets," Ash says.

"Deal."

We're quiet for a moment. He's drawing stars on my stomach, maybe because of our conversation earlier. I let him be, knowing Ash needs that sometimes. Plus, I like sitting in the quiet with him, feeling the soft strands of his brown hair fall through my fingers.

"Can I think about it?" Ash asks a few minutes later.

"The offer to watch? Of course. No obligation either way, but maybe it will help us get to the bottom of it."

Ash laughs, but I'm not sure why.

We lie there together, close. This isn't out of the ordinary for us, but we're soaking it in a bit longer, a little differently because of our argument. It's a territory Ash and I aren't familiar with navigating.

Music starts playing downstairs as our roommates and frat bros get home.

"Fuck. I forgot we have a frat meeting tonight." Ash lets go and rolls away from me, my body feeling…funny.

I jump to my feet and stand in front of him. "Climb on."

"You can't take the stairs with me on your back. "

"Yes I can."

"Well, I'm not going to argue."

I chuckle. "I had a feeling you wouldn't."

Ash climbs onto my back and wraps his legs and arms around me. This started out as a joke when we were kids—me wanting to show how strong I was, betting how long I could carry him around. Then we'd try for longer and longer each time, before we realized we both liked it. It feels good to be something, anything, for Ash.

I carry him, Ash jumping off when we get downstairs.

The house is busier than usual because of the meeting—more people than just our roommates are packed into the living room. Lance is standing in front of the TV at this wooden podium he bought, and he bangs his gavel on it. It's wild that he's our president. I remember when his bid was a running joke, which got out of hand, but since he won, he's really stepped up to the challenge. He's the best prez since I've been here.

"Now that the brothers are here," Lance says, "we can get started."

"We're all brothers," I say.

There's a space on the couch, really one that's too small, but I force my ass between Troy and Payton, then pull Ash down onto my lap.

Lance ignores me and gets started on the meeting. We go over finance, which Payton gets up to talk about, then volunteer and charity ideas, and parties, before landing on TaskFrat Challenge, which is where Ash perks up, before we get back to parties again.

I'm not sure we actually make any decisions, but I think we all feel more responsible when it's over.

Everyone hangs out at our house for a bit, and I'd be lying if I didn't admit to spending most of my time watching Ash. What does he get out of anonymously jerking off online? It's not the money; we have plenty of that. Our privilege isn't something I'm blind to. It's not the sex; he can get that anywhere he wants. So…what is it? I'm missing something. I must be.

By the time I'm in bed that night, it's still on my brain. Is Ash in his room doing it now? Will he do it before he decides if it's a good idea for me to watch? And then my dick starts feeling neglected, so I shove my underwear off, lube up, and stroke my cock. A guy's gotta come, right? It has nothing to do with Ash. Who doesn't get horny thinking about anyone jerking off?

I tighten my hold with my right hand, while tweaking my nipples with my left. I fucking love my nips getting fucked with, love a girl worshipping and paying lots of attention to my pecs.

I squeeze my right one, my slick palm sliding over my cock.

A camera flashes in my mind's eye, and I try to find in my imagination that place Ash has found in real life— working through what it's like to be watched as I writhe on my bed, fucking my fist and squeezing my nipples. Before I know it, an explosion goes off inside me, a kaleidoscope of pleasure shooting colors around inside me while my spunk hits my chest.

Well, fuck. Post-nut clarity didn't come through. I'm no closer to knowing what Ash gets out of this, but I sure as shit released more pent-up tension than I'd even realized I'd built up.