Chapter 5

5

Ash

"A sh, I know this is gonna sound like a dumb question…" Angie says as she enters our shared cubicle.

Angie's another new intern, working with me at Peach State's biomed research lab. Right now, I'm only doing data analysis and familiarizing myself with the tech, but being part of this exciting intersection of technology and health is why I became a biomedical engineering major. I like learning the ropes, and I imagine really getting into the swing of things, fantasizing about the day something in this place triggers an idea for my master's thesis and eventually my dissertation.

Even just knowing Angie has a question for me gets me going. I'm armed not just with everything I've learned the past few months at the lab, but with the knowledge I've acquired in my own research outside of school.

"Lay it on me, Ang! "

"The new espresso machine. Where do you put the grinds in?"

"Oh…yeah, I can help with that."

Admittedly, a bit of a letdown, but I get up and head to the break room, navigating her through the new espresso machine, which I can understand might be confusing.

There are a lot of duties I perform as an intern that I feel like don't fully utilize my talents, but I get that this is part of paying my dues. And I'm eager to put in the work, even if that means explaining to most everyone on my floor how to use the new espresso machine.

After offering Angie a brief tutorial, I head back to my desk and finish up on my files for the day. It's just past six when I head out of the mid-rise building. Dad called while I was working, so I FaceTime him on my way through the parking lot.

"Morning, Ash," he answers. I'm about to correct him when he says, "Oh, guess it's late afternoon there."

"Yeah, I was gonna ask if you wanted me to call you when I get back to the frat. Just finished my internship hours for the day and heading back."

He cringes. "Actually, I have a tour of Kyoto in a bit."

After Dad's conference in Tokyo, he and some friends were planning to see the sights around Japan.

"That's why I called earlier," he adds. "I'm supposed to meet the guys in the hotel lobby in five."

"You and Mom are real busy recently," I say through my teeth.

"She mentioned what happened last time you were supposed to chat. Not exactly Mother of the Year, is she?" As I tense up, he quickly adds, "Sorry, that wasn't a nice thing to say about your mother. I know I'm not Father of the Year, and she's been the one you've lived with for most of your life. I was just trying to make light of things."

Dad tries, but even when I was little, he tended to try to cheer me up by cracking awkward jokes to avoid emotional moments. He's gotten a lot better about making sure he's not dismissing my feelings. It's a process, and I appreciate both Mom's and Dad's work on our shit. Just like I appreciate he remembered to give me a call even when he's traveling.

I open the door of my Honda Civic and slide into the driver's seat.

"I'll call you another day, Ash. I promise. Tell you all about the trip. Sorry again about the timing."

"It's okay." But I can't disguise the disappointment in my tone.

We exchange I-love-yous before ending the call. I tuck my phone away and grunt out my frustration as I start the car.

The engine revs.

Then cuts off.

I try again with the same result.

Uh-oh.

*

Colin and I sit on a bench in the waiting area at the auto repair shop where Troy works.

After Colin showed up at the lab, he waited with me while the truck driver finished getting my car rigged to the tow truck. Then we followed him to the garage.

Fortunately, Troy's working today, so he's been generous enough to take a look to see if he can figure out what's wrong.

"Yeah, we're still waiting to see what's up," Colin says, holding up his phone with Steve on FaceTime.

I called Steve while we were waiting in the parking lot, but he called to check in.

"Okay, boys. You just let me know if you need anything. And text me when you find out what's wrong. Love you guys."

As Colin returns the words, I chime in, "Love you too, Steve."

After he hangs up, I tell Colin, "You really didn't have to come. AAA's taken good care of me. And I could have just Ubered back to the frat."

Although, I'd be lying if I said I didn't prefer my bro having my back.

Things are always better with Colin.

He glares at me because I know damn well nothing I could have said would have stopped him from heading over once he found out my car wouldn't start. "You just don't want me to keep you from flirting with Troy," Colin teases, setting his phone on his thigh. " Do you have any more tests coming up in Thermo ? I would love to tutor you. "

"Why do I sound so dumb in your impersonation?"

Colin keeps on, without changing his tone. "Oh, it's getting so hot in here, let me take this off real quick. " He starts hiking up his shirt, revealing those bulky muscles that anyone would have to be impressed by…and slightly turned on. And yes, that includes me. I'm only fucking human.

I grab his wrist and tug it down so he won't strip right here in the shop. "You asshat. I've been good ever since he and Atlas got together."

Colin turns to the garage door. " Big Troy, why don't you come in here and take me? Take me, Troy. I'm all yours ."

"He might hear you." I can tell this isn't gonna deter Colin, so I snatch his phone off his leg, keying in his passcode. "Maybe I can text that Phi Kappa girl you hooked up with."

"Her name's Hannah."

"You remember her name? Oh, you must be in love."

"I always remember girls' names."

It's true. He's very much that kind of guy, but if he's gonna give me hell, I can give him some too.

"Bet she's in recent messages," I say. "Wonder what I could tell her."

"Two can play at this game." Colin reaches into the front pocket of my jacket, grabbing my phone. "I'll hop on Grindr and maybe start chatting up your last trick."

I know he's not intending to follow through with this any more than I'm intending to invade his privacy, but he keys into my phone and scrolls through my apps like he's about to, when his brows tug closer together.

"What's Manzturbate?"

I freeze.

The blood in my face drains.

My throat's dry.

I'm struggling to think straight.

"What? No, it's nothing," I say so defensively, I know now Colin won't have a choice but to question further.

"Is it a hookup app? Like Grindr?"

It would be so easy to say yes, but "don't lie" is about as big a Step Don't as "don't keep secrets."

I don't lie to Colin.

Ever.

I hand him back his phone. "Seriously, just let me have my phone back."

He hands it over, eyeing me like I've grown a third eyeball, which makes total sense because this is not me.

Not us.

Like, at all.

Since we were kids, I've told him almost everything. He's the first person I told I was being bullied in middle school, who talked me into going to administration, and who confronted them with enough force that I was never bothered again. Hell, he knew when I had my first bi impulses, the moment I started feeling attraction toward guys as well as girls. I've told him about hookups, break-ups…

But not this.

I'm struggling to think how to make sense of what I just did without revealing the truth, when the garage door opens and Troy says, "Okay, looks like it's a bad starter. Common issue. I can get you set up in a few days, once I get the right part in."

I head to the main desk, and Troy and I go back and forth about the price because he's trying to give me labor for free, which doesn't sound fair, but he finally convinces me.

This whole time, there's this tension in my chest. Colin's trying to play it cool with his bestie, but he's looking like the time he was at the bottom of a tackle in the fourth quarter against the Bulldogs—out of it, in a daze.

I'm running through my head what the fuck I'm gonna tell him about that app…

That I've live streamed myself jerking off for people?

That I've done it more than once?

That I want to do it more?

That I don't know why?

After we finish up with Troy, we head to Colin's car, and as we get inside, he says, "Are we gonna talk about what just happened?"

"Can we please wait until we get back to the house?"

He grimaces. I'm sure he's trying to make sense of why I'm acting like this.

"Please," I beg.

"Yeah, totally."

I feel like shit all the way back to the house; in all the time we've known each other, the only time Colin's been this quiet with me in a car has been when he's passed out.

I'm hoping I'll have something to say by the time we get back, but I'm just spinning in my thoughts about the naughty things I've done on that app and the guilt of the big Step Don't I've committed.

I reflect on those twinges of guilt when I was recording.

He wouldn't want to know this , I told myself, but clearly, he fucking does .

But this is so private…

Yet when the hell have Colin and I ever done private?

I'm on edge as Colin leads me to his room, closing the door, his expression serious as ever.

"Okay, so I waited."

"I…"

I still don't know what the fuck to say!

"If this is that serious, you know I would never make you talk about anything you didn't want to," he says. "I won't even google it if you tell me not to. But you can understand why I'm confused, right? I find a hookup app on your phone, and you've shown me guys on Grindr, so I don't understand why this is something you feel you have to keep from me."

Which puts me in a weird-ass position. "Maybe this is just what a good boundary for us is," I say quickly, and his expression twists up.

"Boundary?"

He sounds sincerely thrown at the notion of a boundary between us, and I can't blame him.

"Yeah, like healthy relationship boundaries. You know, so we're not like some messed-up, codependent stepbrothers."

"But we're kind of codependent, right? That's what I love about us."

That's what I love about us too.

Fuck, he's making this hard.

"I just mean, I really don't want to answer this question, Colin. And I don't think you would like me to answer it either."

Judging by his expression, you'd have thought I stomped across the room and decked him.

And it's the hurt that stings the most.

Even worse, I know he has a right to be hurt.

"What about no secrets?" he asks. When I don't answer, he adds, "Whatever it is, I'm sure you're being safe, so I guess other than that, it's none of my business." He hangs his head. Despite wanting to give me my privacy, it's clear how much this pains him.

Fuck me. Right in the jugular.

I pull my phone out of my jacket, looking at the black screen, my face warming as I think about the glimpse he got into my dirty secret. This is so fucking embarrassing, but I can't do this to him. I'd rather endure any amount of humiliation than see him hurt.

"Okay, I'm just gonna say it, since you want to know. Just try to be open-minded."

His gaze wavers, as though he's trying to imagine what I could possibly be about to share, but I sincerely doubt he's gonna figure it out on his own.

So.

Here goes…

"So one of my Grindr dates," I say, my cheeks burning more and more as I go on, "he showed me this app he was on called Manzturbate. People can go on there and post amateur videos of themselves for people to comment on. They're paid in tokens, which convert into cash. And people watch this kind of stuff and—"

Colin chuckles, closing his eyes. "Oh God, Ash." He breathes a deep sigh of relief, as though he'd been imagining something far worse.

Not the reaction I was expecting.

As he reopens his eyes, he says, "This is what you were so worried about telling me? Seriously?" He rests his hands on my shoulders. "I totally get it, man."

I hesitate. "You do?"

"Dude, you should see some of the porn I watch. I don't care that you like finding guys on live video streams."

Oh… I realize there's been a little miscommunication.

"Why did you think I would freak out over that?" he asks, and he's got that beautiful clueless look in his eyes. It's that lovable Lab who thinks I'm about to throw the ball, not give him a bath.

A part of me wants to let him live with his delusion, but I've come too far to stop now. "Colin, I'm one of the people making videos on this app."

He smirks, eyeing me like he's waiting for me to say, "Just kidding!" When I don't, his expression turns serious. "Huh?"

"I've made a few videos for people to watch me do sessions…jerking off."

His brows shift subtly as he wears a familiar expression—like in high school when I was helping him with precalc. "Oh…" He releases my shoulders and turns away from me, starting toward the bed.

It's a weird reaction from the guy who, when I came out to him, threw his arms around me and said, "I'll always love you, no matter who you fuck around with."

What does he think? Why isn't he saying anything?

"Colin…"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm just…"

"Are you mad that I did this?"

He turns sharply back to me, and again, I see the hurt in his expression. Like my Lab's coming home with a broken leg. It burns in my fucking chest. The kind of burn that makes me wish I could go back in time and redo this whole conversation, tell him everything the moment he asked.

"You think I'd be mad?"

I'm struggling to read his expression.

I, Ash Fuller, can't read Colin Phillips's expression?

The world is coming to an end.

"You're not talking," I say. "You're not telling me what you're thinking. This is weirding me out."

"Yeah, well, then you know how I'm feeling now."

Ooh, fuck him for being right .

"I don't understand it," he says, "but there are other things I haven't understood about you. I know it's not the same as something like this, but I didn't get you being queer; I wasn't mad at you about it, though."

"No, I didn't mean… I don't know what I meant, Colin. You're just acting strange."

"I'm not the one keeping this big secret. We don't do that. What about our Step Don'ts? We don't have secrets."

No, we don't. It's a sore spot for both of us because of Mom and Dad, and I'm sure this is digging at him, and I'm the reason he's hurting.

And it's killing me.

"I don't understand why you wouldn't trust me with this."

"It's not that I don't trust you, Col. It's just…I didn't think it was the kind of thing that my brother would want to know about."

It's more than that, but I stop there.

"I can wake up in bed naked with you and not have an issue, but you think I would draw the line at knowing you jerk off on camera?"

"Those aren't the same thing."

Colin stares off for a moment, and I wait for a reaction before he says, "I think I need to sort through some things."

"Sort through some things?" Why am I not understanding any of his reactions?

"I need to get my head around this."

"Let's talk about it. I'll tell you whatever you want to know."

It's like he's unintentionally waterboarding me, and now I'll confess to anything. Hell, if I could think of another secret I'd kept from him, I'd be out with it right now to end this agony.

Colin nods. "Yeah, I just…need some space."

"Space?" I ask, like it's a foreign concept.

He starts for the door.

Colin has never walked out like this before. Hell, I can't even remember us ever having an actual fight.

Not that this is anything like a fight to normal people, but when the fuck have we been normal?

He heads out, closing the door behind him, leaving me reeling in a big what-the-fuck before he comes back in.

"This is my room," he says, holding the door open.

This is all so much that I can't even enjoy the classic Clueless Colin moment as I step out into the hall.

His gaze meets mine, and I see something I don't recognize there. "I just gotta sort through this, Ash. I'll be fine."

As he closes the door, it's like I've been connected to an oxygen concentrator and he just snipped the cord.

The tension that started when he saw the app has intensified, tight bands constricting my chest as my mind spins out, because my whole reality with Colin has just shifted.

Space?

I'm definitely too codependent for this.