Chapter 26

CHAPTER 26

I t had been a bold choice, but Adam had made it without second thought.

Beth was, after all, his wife, and he thought it might be seen strangely if he wanted two. Not only that, but it had been a very last minute stop there, and he did not wish for them to think they were disappointing him if they did not have enough space.

That was why he told himself he had done it, at least. It was quite clear to his wife, however, that there had been other motives. He did not want to admit it, but it was indeed the truth, if only in part.

“It is warmer over here,” he said to her, turning his head and seeing her still by the door, “You would be far happier here, I think.”

She nodded, and came toward him with her hands out towards the fire.

“Do you like winter?” He asked, “I have to admit, having been in Scotland for so long, that England seems rather mild in comparison.”

“I was never one to enjoy it too much, no. I much prefer spring.”

“Then Scotland may prove quite difficult. Fortunately, you have warm clothes.”

“I shall enjoy it even if it is freezing, I assure you. I’ve never been one to shy away from a challenge.”

“No, you most certainly have not. Very well, I shall not feel any need to listen to any complaints you might make.”

She laughed at him, and when he bent to the floor to be closer to the fire, she followed him, placing her head on his shoulder just as she had done in the mail coach. It was freezing, yes, but she was warm, and he wanted her to stay perfectly still so that he could feel her presence a while longer.

He tried not to tell her as much.

“So,” she continued, “Who are these people that I am to meet?”

“Oh, there are to be several. For the most part, they are patrons of the tavern I ended up owning. They watched me grow up, you see, and they are so very happy to learn that I am now a married man. I do not think that they expected me to find any success at all when I came here.”

“And yet, you did.”

“And yet, I did. They will like you, I am certain of it, especially now that you have seen what life was like for me and enjoyed it.”

“I suppose you will no longer speak like an Englishman there?”

“Not if I can help it, no. I am rather looking forward to that. This voice that I use, it is more like a mask I have always worn. It was always some vain attempt to make people believe that I wasn’t some outsider from miles away. It never worked, and perhaps that is why I have never liked it. It’s an awful reminder to hear every time I open my mouth.”

“Then why do you still use it? It is not as though I would mind.”

He chuckled.

“You said yourself that you would find difficulty in understanding it at times, and above all I want you to understand me.”

“I believe I do,” she replied, “Quite well, if I may say so myself.”

Adam did not wish to admit that she was right, but he had to. Of all of the people he had ever known, be it in Scotland or England, she had known him best. It was instinctive; she knew how to speak to him when he had succeeded, and when he had failed, and she knew how to make him feel good. He had searched for an English lady to be his wife, but more than that if he had had the choice he would have wanted someone exactly like her, and he could not believe that he had found her.

And he was certain that she felt the same. She hadn’t said as much, but how could she? They had an agreement, and she had turned out to be a lady of her word. She had promised not to fall for him, as had he, and like him he was likely too proud to say that she had gone against their deal, but he believed that she had.

And he was willing to be the first to admit it to her.

“Beth, I–”

“Thank you,” she said suddenly.

“Whatever for?”

“For taking care of me. I understand that a lot has changed since we met, and that not all of it was what you wanted, but you did it. I know that you were happy with who you were, as was I, but I truly do believe that you and I have both changed for the better.”

“Oh, I know that for a fact.”

“And that is what has made this year so lovely, but also difficult.”

“It hasn’t been a year yet.” Adam pointed out, but she shook her head sadly.

“No, I know, but it will be soon enough, and I do not know when I might have another chance to say it to you, so I wanted to say it now. Thank you for everything. I did not know that I needed to change until you showed me that I did, and it infuriated me at first, but you were right all along. I needed to know how to live, and now I feel as though I am ready to.”

“As am I, which is why…”

She looked at him with hope in her eyes, but there was more to it than that. She looked afraid, perhaps not of him, but of something. Did she not want him to say what he was about to? Was this her silently pleading with him not to say a word for fear of ruining everything? It could well have been.

But he had to do it.

“Which is why I have been thinking of the future,” he said at last, “And I know that it is not what you and I had ever considered, but I cannot help but think that we should have. I certainly do now, at least.”

“What do you mean?”

She still seemed uneasy, but the hope was so evidently there.

“”Well, picture it, would you? You and I, in a little house in Glasgow, a home for the two of us.”

She smiled, leaning into him again and watching the fire. He could feel her imagining it, and he knew that she was just as happy to think of it as he was.

“I suppose I can see it,” she smiled, “It would be rather nice, I must admit.”

“Yes, you, me, and our children.”

She froze in place. It was normal, Adam thought, for a lady to do that, as it came with risks to her, but they often put such fears to one side.

“I was only going to suggest two,” he said quickly, “And frankly, if they are not sons, I will be quite content. My father ruined everything in his desperate search for an heir. If anything, I am more than happy for the Winston line to end with me. We even have just the one, if you wished, though I was lonely as a child and I always dreamed of having several brothers and sisters. Then again, that is quite selfish of me to say when I would not be the one to do all of the work. One would be fine.”

“That will not be happening.”

Now it was his turn to freeze. He had always welcomed her to speak her mind, and he was pleased that she dared to do so even when it was about such a matter, but that did not make hearing it any easier.

“I am aware that it can be daunting,” he explained, “But if you give it some time–”

“Adam, what are you saying?”

“I am saying that I want children. That is a fair enough request, I would say.”

“Well, we will not be having any.”

She was, indeed, as stubborn as he was.

“We can discuss it another time, if you wish. I would like to have this be a nice trip.”

“And I would like to live without any illusions,” she sighed, “Adam, do you remember when you told me you would protect me no matter what?”

“Of course I do. You are my wife, and it is my duty to do so.”

“And what if I cannot fulfil my duty to you?”

“You can, and you do.”

She shook her head.

“Adam, I thought there was an understanding between us that we would go our separate ways after the year.”

His heart pounded in his chest. He had been wrong, misunderstanding her each and every time that he thought she might have seen him as something more than a partner she had an agreement with. She had no intentions of staying with him, and that was what was agreed upon, but that did not make it any easier to hear.

“Surely that is null and void?” He asked, “Beth, I made those terms when I did not know you, and you did not know me. I thought that we had come to enjoy one another’s company.”

“Then it is as my parents warned you. I have been bitterly disappointing as a wife.”

“You have been anything but. We can discuss children later. We were having a nice night, and so let’s return to that.”

“We cannot simply discuss it later,” she snapped, “We will not have children because I cannot have them.”

Her words echoed in his mind. Will not and cannot were two very different things as far as he was concerned, and he had not been made aware of that at all. It felt like a betrayal that she had kept it from him, even if he had never asked her.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Why did it matter? I knew my place. I would be your little wife so that you could secure your position and nothing more. Once our time is up, you shall return to Scotland and find someone that you truly do love and have children with her. I am not a fool.”

“Do you truly believe that I would do that to you?”

“Isn’t that what all gentlemen do when their wives are of no use to them any longer?”

Her words stung. It was precisely what his own father had done, and he had sworn never to be anything like him, and he thought she knew that.

“I never would have done that to you.”

“Not when you didn’t know just how much you could resent me,” she argued, studying him, “You already do, don’t you? I can see it.”

“I am not resentful, I am simply angry that you never told me before we were married.”

“Why, so that you could disregard me rather than being forced to stay with me?”

“No, because I would be your husband and I would have to know these things.”

“You are not my husband though, not really,” she spat, “We may have been to a church and said some vows and now wear rings, but you are no more a husband to me than I am a wife to you. I know my place, Adam. I am perfect for a title but not deserving of love, and I have found my peace in that.”

“You could love me,” he told her, “We could have found love.”

“We could have, if I was enough, but I am not. Enjoy the security in your title, My Lord, for it is the only thing you shall ever have from me.”

He wished she had shot at him instead. It would have hurt less. He had thought there was something between them, but as she had so bluntly proven, he had been wrong. She did not love him, and judging by the way she was looking at him, he wondered if she even liked him at all.

“Very well,” he nodded, turning away, “I thought that you and I had a new understanding, but it appears I was mistaken. Fear not, for I completely understand you now. We shall return to the estate tomorrow.”

“Adam–”

“No, no, I see what you mean. This was all a way for me to secure my position and for you to have a husband. Nothing more. I was a fool for believing that someone like you might see someone like me in any other way. Good night.”

He did not wait for a response, instead leaving the room entirely and closing the door behind him. She did not follow him, and at last he went back to the owner to see if there were any other rooms. Fortunately, there was one left, on the other side of the inn.

It was perfect, for he knew he could not face her until he absolutely had to.