Chapter 25

CHAPTER 25

T hings changed quite quickly after that night.

A few weeks passed, and the same thought plagued her throughout. For her entire life, she had been taught to be the epitome of perfection and no less, but now… Now, she was unsure as to whether or not she had ever wanted any of it to begin with.

“Something is troubling you,” Adam said gently, observing her sitting in the drawing room, “Do you care to tell me just what it is?”

“It is nothing to be concerned about. I am thinking, that is all.”

“Then tell me your thoughts. Perhaps we might be able to sort through them together?”

She had never expected to fall for her husband, and in amongst all of her questions who she was and who she had been before, she had continued to feel that way. She could not, however, disclose such a thing to him; he was not hers to fall for. Their year would soon come to an end, and he would be gone, and she knew it was for the best that she kept her distance from him.

Knowing, however, did not make the act any easier, and she knew she could not continue to do so.

“How do you do it?” She asked.

“Do what?”

“Whatever it is that pleases you. I have never understood it.”

“Well, I decide what it is that I wish to do, and then I do that and nothing else. It is quite simple really.”

She laughed. It was an empty laugh, and she saw the concern in his eyes.

“What I mean is,” she continued, trying again, “Your mother must have raised you to know what to do, or at least your father would have ensured you knew it all before he passed.”

“Of course they did. Granted, my mother didn’t know much about it all, and my father was simply happy to have me, and perhaps did not wish to scare me off again, but I knew a few things.”

“Right, but you never cared for it all.”

“Not in the slightest, no, and it astounds me that you do.”

“It is all that I know. That is why I am so curious about–”

She stopped herself, but he had already raised an eyebrow at her, smirking.

“Fear not,” he chuckled, “For I have had the same thoughts about you. In the same way that you have questioned why I reject it all, I wonder why you do not. After all, it is not as though it has served you in any way. Being proper and cordial did nothing for me, either, and so I might as well do as I please. I wonder, Beth, if I am living for myself by doing as you please, who are you living for?”

That simple little question shattered her, for the simple fact that she did not know.

“My parents, I suppose. They had dreamed of me marrying well and having a family, and when that did not happen, they were furious. I did not know what to do with myself afterward, but I thought that if I kept pushing, kept trying to be perfect, they might eventually love me.”

“Would you mind a difficult truth?”

“No, I believe I am in need of one.”

“It does not matter what you do. They will never love you.”

Such words should have been cruel, and they would have been were they not precisely what she needed to hear. Adam was correct; she would never be good enough to warrant any affection from her family, and refusing to believe that would only ever serve to make things worse.

“I feel as though I have known that for a long time now,” she admitted, “But that hadn’t stopped me from trying all the same. Did you know– you probably do not remember it now.”

“I likely do. Tell me.”

She didn’t want to remind him of it incorrectly, but the way his eyes searched hers made her dissolve in front of him. She couldn’t pretend with him, it was impossible.

“Do you remember when you took me for dinner?”

“Vividly, yes.”

“Well, when we were at the ball, and we were dancing, I couldn’t help but think back to the kiss we shared. I am sure that you thought nothing of it, but to me it was this wondrous and freeing thing. I wanted to do it again, at the ball, but I knew that I could not. That is what has made me think about all of this. I wish to be myself.”

“Then be yourself. I know that I certainly like who you are, even if your parents might not approve. And for what it is worth, that kiss was not something that I could ever think nothing of.”

It was precisely what she had needed to hear, as always. Hidden beneath Adam’s rough exterior was the most incredible gentleman, one she had dreamed of since she was a little girl, and she should have been blissfully happy to have married him. Instead, she was bitterly angry that she would inevitably disappoint him, just like she had done before.

Regardless, it had felt good to talk to him about how she was feeling, and if their time was to come to an end soon, then at least she had something good to remember when he was gone. That was the deal, and it was precisely what she had asked for.

December came, and it was a cold one. The snowfall was beautiful, but dangerous, and Beth wondered if their trip to Scotland for Christmas would be possible at all.

Even so, they boarded a mail coach and sat inside, though there was quite the lack of space and there was a guard staring at them, pistol in hand. It was for in the event of a robber, Beth knew that, but that did not make seeing a pistol any less unnerving, especially when it was what had caused her last husband’s demise.

“I see you are concerned,” Adam said brightly, “You have no need to be. The carriage will fare just fine, and soon enough we will be in the North and settled.”

“I do hope so. This is my first time travelling outside of England, and I would rather it was easy.”

“Well, it shall be my first time celebrating Christmas, so we shall both have some things that are new to us.”

Beth blinked.

“Did your mother never wish to celebrate? That is unheard of!”

“Oh, no, it isn’t that. One does not have Christmas in Scotland, or at least, it isn’t common. We do celebrate Hogmanay, which is a few days after, to celebrate the new year.”

“Oh! In that case, we need not–”

“We most certainly do. I will not steal your traditions away from you. If anything, it is a blessing, for we can have two celebrations, and you know fine well that I enjoy a soiree.”

Beth thought back to the night with his sisters, and had to nod in agreement.

“Very well,” she replied, “How long do you suppose the journey will be?”

“As I organized a mail coach for the two of us, it should take around three days. It would be two, but with the way this weather is looking, it might be best to err on the side of caution.”

“That is quite alright. The holiday shall be long enough to make it worth the wait.”

“Precisely. I cannot wait to show you everything, as well as everyone. I have written to them to inform them of our arrival, and there are so many people wanting to meet the lady that finally made me a husband.”

“Is that to say that there were never any ladies in Scotland?”

“No, not even one.”

Beth would have found that hard to believe had he not looked so sincere.

“I am not like other gentlemen,” he continued, “I would never go raking across Scotland, or England for that matter. I knew even as a boy that I only wished to do all of this once. Perhaps that it why it has taken me so long after what happened with… her.”

“She is of no consequence now,” she assured him.

“Indeed. I have you, and in spite of everything I must admit that I am enjoying my time in England.”

“Is that to say that you might stay after all?”

“It is to say that I may be persuaded to do so.”

He leaned closer to her, and once again that urge to become closer to him came over her. He was the most incredible man, and given that he had changed his mind so completely made her wonder if he thought the same of her as a woman.

But such flights of fancy did not last. He would grow to resent her when he had been near her for too long. He would run the second the opportunity presented itself, and it had nothing to do with him and everything to do with her.

The snow continued to fall, and it was only coming down harder as they traveled. Beth watched it fall past them, and she wanted to consider it beautiful but she knew it only posed a threat to them, even if the sunlight looked lovely on it. She truly knew it was becoming difficult when Adam began to look nervous. He had been the one telling her not to worry, and that it would take no time at all to arrive, but now he looked even more concerned than she was.

“You know,” she said gently, daring to place her hand on him, “If there is something troubling you, you can tell me. I do the same with you, and so it is only fair.”

“It isn’t anything to be too concerned about,” he replied, “But with how the snow is, we may need to stop more often than we thought.”

“And that is perfectly fine for me. Is it not for you?”

“It is! I mean, I know that needs must and it is not as though anyone can control the weather, but I miss Scotland, and I have been so excited to return, and now it feels like each extra minute is another month.”

“Well, it is only a minute,” she smiled, “And we will be there soon enough, and you can have a wonderful time explaining what everyone is saying to me.”

Adam chuckled at that.

“You seem to understand me well enough when I use that dialect.”

“I am used to you. I cannot say the same for strangers.”

“In which case, I shall be more than happy to be of assistance. It is rather easy once you are used to it.”

“Shall there be any need for me to adapt to it?”

He was silent, but he was smirking. Beth wondered if that meant he might be planning for another trip before their time was up. If that was the case, she knew in an instant that she would be going with him, even if she was yet to see it.

They came to a stop that evening, and a man appeared at their door.

“I’m terribly sorry, but it isn’t wise to continue in these conditions.”

“We understand.” Adam replied, “We aren’t in any particular rush, and so we would rather that you do what is best for the horses.”

The man nodded before vanishing again. The mail coach began to move once more, and Beth tried with all of her might not to place her head on Adam’s shoulder. The guard, who had been watching them throughout the journey, was likely not to gossip about them, but it was possible, and–

She balled her skirts up in her hand, scolding herself. She had spoken to Adam about this, and told herself that she would no longer care what people thought of her, at least not as much. He was her husband, and she wanted to place her head on his shoulder, and she had every right to.

And so she did.

In an instant, she felt herself grow weary. It had been a long day of traveling, and with the comfort he gave her in an instant, she could feel herself falling asleep then and there. Fortunately, she managed to hold herself together until they reached an inn, and lifting herself from him felt monumental.

The inn, at least, was warm and bright. There was an incredible smell coming from one of the rooms, and Adam led her away without a second thought.

“I told you that you would enjoy food from inns,” he smirked.

Beth agreed with him, and he proved himself right once more. Having eaten, though they did not indulge with any drinks that night, he led her upstairs to a room, and followed her inside.

“Here we are.” He said, “This is your room for the night.”

“It is lovely,” she said gently, turning back to him, “Is yours nearby?”

“I suppose you could say that, given that it is this one.”

Beth felt herself turn scarlet. He laughed at her gently before walking to the fireplace and warming his hands over it.

He had only gotten one room for the two of them.