Chapter 27

CHAPTER 27

B eth cried herself to sleep that night.

She knew that she was, in part, at fault for what had happened. She should have told him, but she hadn’t known when to do so. Was it appropriate to have disclosed such intimate details about her life so soon as their first meeting? She hadn’t thought so, but given that their wedding was so soon after it was not as though she had any other choice, and then they had agreed to go their separate ways after enough time had passed, and so she hadn’t thought it necessary.

But if they were to remain together, he had to know, and it was nobody’s fault that he did not like what he heard. Her words had hurt him, she knew that, but they had to be said. He couldn’t love someone that couldn’t give him what he needed, and so he couldn’t love her. It was easier for her to call it all off rather than him trying to force it. Her last husband had done that, and it had been more painless that way.

“There will be no need for us to accompany you,” Adam told the mail coachmen, “For we have changed our plans.”

“Very well,” the guard nodded, “There shall be another passing in the opposite direction within the hour. They might be able to help.”

They nodded and sat and waited for it.

It was the longest hour of Beth’s life. Shye didn’t know what to say to Adam that might have helped, yet she knew that it was worse to say nothing at all. He would sit there truly believing that she hated him, which she did not, but what could she say to prove that after the way she had spoken to him?

Eventually, the other mail coach came and it did, indeed, have two spare seats. The other two were taken by two gentlemen, clearly friends with one another. Beth sat beside them and looked out of the window, trying to ignore what they were saying, but they seemed more than happy to gossip right in front of her as if she were not there.

Perhaps they wanted her husband to join in with it all.

“They say Buckingham has one on the way,” one of them smirked, “Not with his wife though. Then again, it’s not like she’ll be around for much longer.”

“That’s alright then, he can go off with his mistress and make her his new wife. It’ll be, what, an eight month baby? They’re hardly unusual.”

“Except that Lady Buckingham would have to go first.”

“Ah, yes, and she’s as stubborn as anything. She’ll probably hold on until the year is out just to spite the child.”

“You say that as though it is her fault,” she muttered, “As if she is to blame for her husband’s activities.”

Both men turned to her, as if surprised to hear her speak to them that way, but they had seen her enter with Adam. They would have known better than to say anything too inflammatory to her.

“Well,” the first man said quickly, “You are likely a good wife to your husband. Men hardly ever stray when what they have is worth keeping.”

He had, of course, meant it to help her, but it had not. If anything, it had only confirmed what she feared would happen. She could not provide Adam with what he wanted, and so he would have to find that elsewhere. She would have been fine with that when they had first met, but now…

It felt like a betrayal.

She did not say another word to the gentlemen, instead looking out of the window once more. Adam had kept to himself throughout the exchange, and she wondered just what he was thinking during it. She wondered if he was already planning his escape.

Upon their return, Beth left the coach without waiting for Adam to help her. She would be on her own soon enough, and it was time to act as such. She could hear him calling after her, but she refused to listen. She did not wish to hear anything more from him than she already knew.

“What has happened?” Mrs Henshaw asked when they entered, “You are not supposed to be back for a long while, yet.”

“Our plans changed,” Adam explained, and Beth stormed to her bedchambers before she heard anything further.

She did not go to dinner that night. Instead, she sat in her room and thought. She did not like to think too much when she was hurt, for it only ever made her feel worse for having done so, but she couldn’t help herself. She had wondered how Adam would feel about her condition, and at least now there was no question about it. He hated it, and that hatred would go to her eventually, even if it hadn’t immediately done so.

“Are you alright, My Lady?” Her lady’s maid called from the other side of the door.

“Come in, Eliza,” she sighed, and the girl entered.

“Has something happened?”

“That entirely depends on how much you have already heard, for I do not wish to discuss it if I do not have to.”

“We need not discuss it at all, but it may help you.”

Beth nodded, and sat back. The two remained in silence for a moment, and Beth knew that she had to say something, but there was nothing that she could say that wouldn’t lead to questions that she did not wish to answer.

“I heard the earl,” Eliza said after a while, “I heard him say that you lied to him.”

“I did not lie. Well, I did not say anything that was dishonest. He may see it differently, but that is besides the point.”

“But I do not understand. You are always so honest.”

“I have been honest with the earl. You see, I…”

She did not want to discuss her issue a second time. It was painful to think about, but even worse to say. She knew how people looked on ladies with conditions such as hers. It was too much sympathy at best, and abject horror at worst. Then again, Eliza was a friend to her. She had been the closest thing to a friend she had ever had besides the earl, and at least she would not feel slighted by her predicament.

“Eliza, you mustn’t tell anyone this, but there is a certain duty that a wife has that I shall never be able to uphold. The earl did not know, and that is my fault, but I hadn’t expected him to be so upset about it.”

“Ah, you cannot have children.”

She said it very matter-of-factly, as though it was a simple thing to acknowledge and not a fundamental problem that she had.

“To put it simply, yes.”

“And the earl is angry about that?”

“He is.”

“Well, is it because of the issue in and of itself or is it simply a surprise as he did not know?”

She certainly made an excellent point, but which one it was remained to be seen. It was also not a discussion she wished to have.

“You know,” Eliza continued, “My mother had a friend who had your same ailment. She would pray every night for a child, and then one day, after years of waiting, one came. Perhaps it will be the same for you?”

“I cannot rely on my prayers being answered. I do not think that the earl would either, and even if he did it would only make me feel worse. He would spend each month waiting to learn whether or not we were with child, only for us not to be. That is the resentment I warned him about, what my parents warned him about.”

“You only say that because some men do that. That is not to say that he will–”

“No, he will. Eventually, he will. It doesn’t matter how good of a wife I am. He doesn’t even want an heir, for entirely selfish reasons. If he did, I could at least hate him for seeing me as nothing more than a vessel for his heir. No, he wishes to be a father even if it is a girl. He simply wants to know the love of a child, and I cannot give that to him.”

At some point while she was talking, she had begun to cry. Tears streamed down her face and Eliza looked rather startled. It was not like her, but she had done the one thing that she couldn’t do. She had fallen for the earl, and she cared about him deeply, and now she had stripped him of the one thing that he wanted that only she could give him.

Legitimately, that was.

“He will hate me.” She repeated, “It might not be now, while he is in a state of shock, but it will come.”

“It will not.”

“It will, and I shall need to prepare myself for when that happens.”

“How will you do that?”

“I cannot tell you, Eliza. Now, I do apologize but it has been an awful day and I really do need to rest.”

Eliza looked reluctant to leave, but she knew to follow orders. She curtseyed and left the room, leaving Beth to her devices. She had to prepare herself, just as she had said, and that had to happen before morning. She had to be ready for whatever came her way, and that had to begin with losing the feelings she had for her husband. At least then, when he left, her heart would not be shattered entirely.

Thankfully, the servants were yet to unpack their belongings.

Adam did not know what to say to Beth.

She had hurt him terribly, but he wanted to believe that it had not been deliberate. She had never been unkind, and he knew that she was hurting, and he wanted so badly to say it was not her own fault that she had done what she did, but he had to accept her words.

She did not love him, and she felt very little for him at all. The fact that she could not have children, and neglected to tell him as much, had come as a surprise, and he hadn’t been happy about it, nor had he reacted as well as he would have liked to, but that was not what had caused him pain. It was her denouncement of everything he had thought they had.

“Do you suppose she will come?” He asked Mrs Henshaw at dinner, “She hasn’t eaten anything at all today.”

“She may, and if not I shall have someone take her something to her room.”

That soothed him, but only slightly. He wanted her to come down so that they could speak to one another. She might not have wanted to, but it was necessary. Then again, he did not know what to say to her to begin with. He did not want to be accusatory, nor did he want to speak to her about the issue for fear of it hurting her further, even if he knew that they had to. He considered simply having a pleasant conversation with her, as though nothing had happened, but they had cancelled their trip and returned home. It was not possible to act as though everything was as usual.

But she did not come to dinner, and so he did not need to decide anything. He went to his study to write letters to those in Scotland. He kept them brief, not telling them the real reason for their change of plans. He simply said that the weather was too bad, and that they therefore could not come. They had no way of knowing that to be false.

He could not bear the thought of her sitting there in her room with nothing to do except think. He also had no intention of sitting and thinking about everything, and so he knew what he had to do. He had to speak to his wife.

“Beth?” He asked, knocking, “Can I come in?”

There was no response. It was late, and she could well have been sleeping, but he tried again to make sure.

When there was no response this time, he gave in, turning to leave. That was when he saw Eliza, who seemed rather weary herself.

“Is everything alright?” He asked.

“Yes, My Lord, I simply hate to see her so upset.”

“Have you spoken to her?”

“A short while ago, yes. Just after she should have gone to dinner. She told me what happened on your journey, and she… She is hurting, My Lord.”

“I do not doubt that. Did she make any suggestion that she might wish to see me?”

“If anything, it is my belief that she wants to be alone. She asked me to leave, which she has never done before. I do not know if that would also mean yourself.”

“Frankly, I believe I am the last person that she would like to see.” He sighed, “Very well, I shall try in the morning. Thank you, Eliza.”

She curtseyed, and he went to his room. If she did not wish to speak to him, then he would at least make an attempt to be near her the following day. He could prove that he was not angry with her, even if she was furious with him.

Except, the following morning, after a fitful night’s sleep, he was awoken by the butler, who seemed highly alarmed.

“My Lord, it is the countess,” he said quickly, “She is missing.”