Chapter 31

CHAPTER 31

Holden

Owen looked me up and down when he opened the door. “Rough night?”

“Rough sixteen nights.” I couldn’t believe it had been that long, and I still hadn’t seen Lala.

The card table was set up in the middle of the living room for our monthly poker game. Colby took a beer out of the cardboard box he was unloading into the mini fridge and chucked it to me. “You look like balls, dude.”

I frowned. “Thanks.”

He shrugged. “Actually you look worse than balls. My sack is looking pretty spiffy these days. Billie told me I needed to do a tidy-up down there. When I didn’t get around to it fast enough for her, she told me she wanted ice cream and then shoved me into the waxing place next door to the ice cream parlor for grooming while she ate her cone. She’d booked me an appointment for a bro-zillian.”

“A bro-zillian?” Owen covered his junk over his pants. “Like, someone poured hot wax on your balls and ripped it off?”

“It actually wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I kinda liked the hot wax part. It was warm and nice, like having your balls cupped in two soft hands. The skin-ripping part, I could’ve done without.”

I shook my head. “How did this conversation take a turn so fast?”

Colby stood and cracked a beer with a loud tssSSS kr-POP. He pointed at me as he lowered the can. “Your face looks worse than my pretty balls.”

Brayden strolled in from the kitchen. He looked between me and Colby and held his hands up. “I’ll take your word for it.”

I chuckled. It might’ve been the first time that had happened in more than two weeks. I think I needed this. The guys took their usual seats around the table, and Brayden doled out the chips in exchange for cash.

When he got to me, he lifted his chin. “So why do Colby’s balls look better than your face? Or do I want to know?”

I sighed. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

He shrugged. “Fine with me. Now give me your fifty for the chips so I can start dealing.”

I pulled my wallet from my back pocket and tossed the cash on the table. Brayden added it to the empty coffee can that we kept the chips in and dealt the first hand. I went through the motions, tossing a chip into the center of the table and picking up my cards. But I couldn’t have told you what suits or numbers I had in my hand to save my life. I guess I also got lost in thought while the guys were making bets and taking cards because suddenly, a chip hit me in the face.

I rubbed my nose. “What the fuck?”

“You want any cards or not, pretty boy?” Brayden asked.

“Yeah.” I looked down at my hand, but I couldn’t concentrate enough to make a decision. “Actually, no. I’m good.”

Owen was seated to my left. He tipped his chair back on its hind legs and snuck a peek at my cards.

“You got nothing, shit for brains,” he said. “Take some damn cards.”

I studied my hand once again and nodded. But still couldn’t make a decision.

So I gave in and shook my head. “I’m in love with Lala. I think I fucked up.”

Brayden tossed his cards into the air and groaned. “Oh fuck me.”

Owen frowned. “What the hell did you do?”

Colby blew out a jagged breath. “I’m really going to hate fucking up your pretty face. Did you cheat on her?”

I held up two hands. “No, nothing like that. I meant I fucked up by encouraging her to leave. I should’ve never pushed her to go.”

“Wait. Let me get this straight,” Brayden said. “It wasn’t Lala’s decision to go back to Philly? You made her leave early?”

“Maybe made her leave is too strong. But I told her I thought she should go back. I sure as hell didn’t do anything to stop her.”

“Why the fuck would you do that if you’re in love with her?”

I rubbed the back of my neck. “Because I’m an idiot?”

“Well, we knew that,” Owen said. “But seriously, man, why would you tell her to go if you wanted her to stay?”

I heaved a loud sigh and shook my head. “I thought it was the right thing to do. At least that’s what I told myself at the time. But maybe I was just too much of a chicken shit to tell her how I really felt and ask her to stay and be with me. Deep down, I don’t feel like I deserve her. She’s so smart and beautiful and…unspoiled. Part of me feels like she should be with Warren.”

“Jesus Christ.” Colby shook his head. “I never thought I’d see the day.”

“That I fell in love?”

“No. The day that your egotistical ass had your confidence rocked. When you were eighteen, you thought you could score our super-hot, thirty-year-old English teacher.”

I smiled halfheartedly. “Ms. Renzo put her hand on my thigh. She wanted me.”

Colby pointed. “You see? Never once have you doubted yourself with a woman. Do you think I feel good enough for Billie? Of course not. But you gotta get over that shit. When you’re in love with someone, you don’t push them away because you’re not worthy. You spend the rest of your life trying to become the man who’s good enough to be by her side.”

I wanted to believe I could be a man worthy of Lala. But I wasn’t sure it was true. “What if I fuck up?”

Brayden motioned to the three of them. “Then we’re going to kick your ass. We owe that to Ryan.”

Owen caught my eye. “If you hurt Lala, you’re definitely getting a beating. But I’m going to go out on a limb and say something I never thought I’d say… I think if Ryan were here listening to how you feel about his little sister, he’d give you his blessing. So you have mine.”

Colby nodded. “Mine, too.”

Brayden shrugged. “Same. So stop being a pussy and tell the woman how you feel. And maybe we can also quit talking about feelings and manscaping now and play some cards?”

I smiled. “Yeah, let’s do it.”

I wasn’t sure I’d actually solved anything, but it was good to know the guys thought maybe things could work out with Lala. Now I only had to convince myself…

***

The following morning, I was lying in bed, kicking around the idea of driving up to Philly this weekend to lay my heart on the line with Lala, when my phone buzzed from the end table. It was our manager, Daisy. I read the message in preview and frowned.

Daisy: Hope no one has any plans for the weekend…

Lately, her timing had really sucked.

Though if that wasn’t fate telling me not to profess my love to Lala, I wasn’t sure what was. I sighed and went to type back. But when I unlocked my phone and it opened to the full text, I realized there was more to the message.

Daisy: Hope no one has any plans for the weekend. There’s a new club owned by a group of celebrities that’s impossible to get booked at. One of the owner’s daughters saw you play recently and told her father he needs to get you guys on stage.

Before I could respond, my bandmates typed back.

Dylan: I’m in. Where we heading?

Monroe: Could be Pluto for all I care. I’m in.

Our manager responded.

Daisy: It’s a little more convenient than Pluto. It’s in Philadelphia.

I sat up, feeling adrenaline pump through my veins. Maybe fate had other plans after all…

Holden: Definitely in.

Once we’d all responded, Daisy sent through the details for the Saturday-night gig. Still feeling the high of the coincidence, I couldn’t wait to text Lala.

Holden: Hey. We just booked a show for Saturday night in Philly. I’m stoked to play back home, but even more stoked to see you. We’re the first act, so we should be on by nine and done by ten or ten thirty. Come to the show, and we can skirt out.

I didn’t even put down my phone as I waited for her to respond.

Lala: Oh that’s great. I’ll try to make it.

Try?

It felt like I’d been listening to the theme song from Rocky, ready to run up the stairs to grab my girl at the top, when suddenly the needle screeched to a sudden halt.

I typed back.

Holden: Do you already have plans?

I watched the dots jump around, then stop for a minute or two, before finally starting again.

Lala: Just some work I need to catch up on.

At nine o’clock on Saturday night, which was four days away? She couldn’t even figure out a way to free up a few hours with that much notice? Whatever optimism I’d felt sank like lead to the bottom of my stomach.

This is it. The beginning of the end.

She might as well have told me she had to wash her hair. Though something inside of me was afraid to call her out on it, for fear she’d just end things now. I needed to at least see her one last time if this was where it was heading. So I sucked it up.

Holden: Okay. Have a good day.

Her response was a smiley face, a damn emoji.

Over the next few days, I spent a ridiculous number of hours contemplating how I should handle things. I bounced back and forth between professing my undying love and making her life easier by being the one to formally break things off so she could have her freedom. My head was a fucking wreck. The only thing I knew for sure was that I wanted to do the right thing by Lala, not make things harder on her.

In the end, I decided I needed to see her in person to figure out what that right thing was. So I drove up a day early without telling her, hoping that catching her off guard would help me make the decision. I wanted to see how she reacted when she opened the door after not seeing each other for three full weeks.

My heart started to pound when I pulled up in front of her apartment Friday evening. Beads of sweat formed on my forehead and upper lip as I walked up the path, though it wasn’t the slightest bit warm out. Standing at her door, I wiped my hands on my pants and took a deep breath.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

But it wasn’t Lala who opened.

It was…her mother.

I tried to hide my disappointment and act polite. “Oh. Hey, Mrs. E.”

“Holden? Laney didn’t mention you were coming.”

I shoved my hands into my jeans pockets. “That’s probably because she doesn’t know. I thought I’d surprise her.”

“Oh. Well, she’s not home right now. I’m waiting for a delivery that was supposed to come earlier this afternoon, but the shipping company got a flat tire and said they were going to be a few hours late.”

“Is Lala still at work?”

Mrs. E shook her head. “She had a doctor’s appointment and then some errands to run.”

“Oh. Okay.” I forced a smile. “So much for surprises. But I’m glad I got to see you, Mrs. E. You look great.”

“Would you…want to come in for a cup of tea, maybe? It’ll probably be a few hours before Laney is back, but perhaps we could catch up for a few minutes?”

“Sure. Of course.”

I’d practically lived at the Ellison’s house when I was a kid. Yet I suddenly felt awkward. That might’ve had something to do with being certain she’d invited me in to tell me to keep the hell away from her daughter.

We made small talk as she filled the teapot and got everything ready, and I did my best not to sweat rings under the armpits of my shirt.

“Here we go…” Mrs. E set two mugs down on the kitchen table and took the seat across from me. She smiled warmly. “My husband said he might stop by to keep me company. So we might not have too long with just the two of us. I hope you won’t mind if I speak candidly and don’t beat around the bush.”

Fuck. Here it comes.I swallowed and nodded. “Of course. We go way back, Mrs. E. Say whatever is on your mind.”

“Thank you, Holden.” She cleared her throat. “I’m not usually one to meddle. But I know you have feelings for my daughter. And I also know how close you and my son were.”

I looked down, ashamed. “I’m really sorry, Mrs. E. I know Ryan would want to kill me if he was here. And I also know I’m not a parent’s ideal pick as boyfriend material.” I shook my head. “I didn’t mean for it to happen. I swear, I didn’t.”

Mrs. E reached across the table and patted my hand. “I want to tell you a story. I’m not sure if you’ll remember this or not, but about a week before Ryan died, he started sleeping on the couch downstairs. He was too weak to go up to his room.”

My heart felt heavy as I nodded. “I remember.”

“Well, this one day in particular, you were over, and Ryan had fallen asleep on the couch. Laney was outside raking the leaves on the front lawn, and you went out to help her. At least that’s what you said you were going to do.” Mrs. E smiled fondly. “But when you got out there, you scooped up a big bunch of leaves and threw them at Laney. The two of you had a leaf fight on the lawn. You chased each other around for the better part of an hour, laughing nonstop like two schoolkids.”

I smiled. “I remember that day.”

“What I don’t think you know is that Ryan woke up in the middle of the leaf fight. He was thirsty and went into the kitchen. I’d been folding laundry in the other room, and I came in to find him watching you and Laney through the window.” She turned to stare out Laney’s kitchen window and covered her heart with her hand. “The smile on his face as he watched was as big as the ones you two wore. And you know what he said?”

“What?”

She turned back to look at me. “He said you two had had it bad for each other for years.”

My jaw dropped. “He knew?”

She nodded. “He told me you weren’t right for his sister.”

I frowned.

“But then he said he hoped one day you’d find the girl who’d change you, and he hoped that girl was Laney.”

Tears filled my eyes. “Really?”

“Really.” She held up a finger and laughed. “Well, full disclosure, after he said that, he also told me that if you didn’t change and went after his little sister, I was supposed to have my husband kick your ass.”

I smiled. “That sounds more like Ryan.”

Mrs. E squeezed my hand. “Only you know if you’ve changed to become the man we both know Laney needs. But I thought it was important that you know Ryan believed you had it in you.” She paused. “And so do I, Holden.”

My eyes met hers. “Really?”

She nodded. “Really.”

***

Whatever hope I’d left with after talking with Mrs. Ellison had long faded by the next day. Lala had texted when she’d gotten home last night. Her mom had told her I was in town and had stopped over, but she said she was too tired for me to come back by. And this morning, she’d told me she had to go into work. She was supposed to have texted me when she was done, but checking my phone a hundred times did nothing to make her message arrive. Still, I clung to the hope that she’d just been really busy and would show up for our gig. But she never did.

By the end of our show, I was miserable and wanted nothing more than to go home. So when Monroe announced that we had a new song to play for everyone—the song I’d written about Lala—I was in no mood and shook my head.

“Not tonight, buddy.”

He waved me toward the front of the stage anyway, as he spoke into the microphone. “I think our drummer is being uncharacteristically shy and needs some encouragement. What do you say, everyone? Can you make some noise if you want to hear a brand new song that has never been played to a crowd before? If you’d like our resident stud-muffin drummer to come up and sing for you all?”

The crowd clapped and yelled. Meanwhile, I wanted to punch Monroe in the face. But there was a reason he was the front man for After Friday. He was a relentless showboat and kept egging people on to get me up there. When he had them all chanting Hold-en, Hold-en, I knew I had no choice but to get up from my seat. I’d wanted Lala to be the first person to hear me sing the song besides the band, but it kind of felt like that was never going to happen anyway. So when the music started, I closed my eyes and poured my heart into singing every word I’d written. I didn’t even realize tears were streaming down my face until I was done and opened my eyes—and saw Lala standing near the back door with matching tears on her cheeks. I blinked a few times, making sure I wasn’t seeing things. But sure enough, she was there.

I shoved the mic at my bass player, oblivious to the crowd giving me a standing ovation, and took off from the stage. “Take a set break. I’ll be back.”

I couldn’t get to her fast enough. Pushing through the crowd, I ignored people congratulating me and gushing with compliments. Nothing mattered except for Lala.

When I finally reached her, I cupped her cheeks in my hands. “I didn’t think you were here.”

She sniffled. “I wasn’t going to come. I’m sorry, Holden. I’m so sorry.”

I swallowed. It hurt like hell, but it was more important to me that she wasn’t upset. So I wiped her cheeks with my thumbs. “It’s fine. I understand. We can be friends, sweetheart. We can keep in touch. Don’t cry. Don’t be upset.”

“I don’t want to keep in touch, Holden.”

My jaw flexed. I knew I needed to walk away at this point. I was emotional after pouring my heart out on the stage. I didn’t want to say something I’d regret. “Fine. Whatever you want. Take care, Lala.”

I turned abruptly and took two steps, but Lala grabbed my arm. “Holden, wait!”

“Why? What the hell else is left to say? That I’m so in love with you that it hurts? That I can’t fucking eat? I can’t fucking think? I don’t even want to get out of bed without you near me?” My voice grew louder. “Tell me, Lala. Is that what you wanted to hear me say?”

She shook her head. “No.”

“Then what the hell else is there?”

Lala took a deep breath. “I’m pregnant, Holden. With your baby.”