Chapter 32

CHAPTER 32

Holden

I felt the world around me spinning. Every single sound and light in the club faded into the distance as I tried to comprehend the words she’d just uttered.

Did Lala really just say what I thought she’d said?

She’s pregnant?

My heart raced as I took her hand and led her out of the venue. I needed to hear it again with no distractions.

We walked around the corner of the brick building until we were alone, aside from some passing cars.

My hands shook as I wrapped them around her face. “Lala…say it again. What you just said in there, so I know I’m not hallucinating.”

“I’m pregnant, Holden.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’ve taken multiple tests. And it was confirmed by the doctor. That’s where I was when you stopped by and spoke to my mother.”

This news shouldn’t have come as a surprise. We hadn’t been careful a hundred percent of the time, a risk I’d never taken with anyone else. I’d gotten carried away.

Dazed, I asked, “How long have you known?”

“A couple of weeks ago, I realized the nausea I’d had ever since I left New York wasn’t going away. I thought it was nerves at first, but then started to suspect it could be more.”

I nodded as everything finally started to make sense.

“That’s why you went silent on me.”

“Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you tell me what was going on, Lala? I could’ve been there for you.”

She shook her head. “I needed to be absolutely sure before I sprung this on you.”

I closed my eyes, letting it all sink in.

Lala…was carrying my baby.

Our baby.

I’m going to be a dad.

What?

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

She interrupted my thoughts. “I need to let you know, Holden, that I’ve decided to keep it. I know it’s the worst possible timing, and you’re nowhere near ready for—”

“Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.” I pulled back suddenly. “Did you think I would ever consider notkeeping our baby?” My heart pounded. “I might not be ready to be a father, but Lala…” I lifted her chin. “Look at me. Look into my eyes. I need you to understand something.”

She nodded, her tears starting again as she stared up at me.

“This news? It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. The fact that my baby is now growing inside you is more important than music. More important than anything. It’s…” I paused to reflect on what this meant. “It’s everything I never knew I wanted.”

Her eyes widened. “You’re happy about it?”

I placed my trembling hand over her stomach. “I’m so fucking happy, sweetheart. So happy.”

“I’m so relieved.” She placed her hand over mine. “I was worried this was going to blindside you. I was prepared to raise it alone, if I had to.”

“If for some reason you didn’t want to go through with this, that would be your choice. But that would’ve killed me, Lala. Because after only a few minutes of knowing about its existence, I love this baby.” I paused to look into her eyes. “And I love you so much. I haven’t known how to express it. I tried through that song obviously, but saying it to your face has been long overdue.” I finally removed my hand from her belly and placed it around her face. “I love you, Lala. And I promise you, I will do whatever it takes to make this work, to give you the kind of life you’ve always dreamed of.”

Her eyes glistened. “Any life I dreamed of before you doesn’t exist anymore, Holden. You’re my dream.” She wiped her eyes. “When I heard that song you performed tonight, it gave me the confidence to finally tell you what was going on. I would never want you to say you loved me for the wrong reasons. Knowing you loved me before you found out I’m pregnant… That was perfect.”

I caressed her cheek with my thumb. “I’ve loved you for a long time, sweetheart. Just didn’t want to scare you away.”

She stepped back a bit. “I have to say something…”

“Okay…”

“I don’t want you to change anything because of this news. I would never be able to live with myself if you gave up a career you’ve worked so hard for because you felt obligated to stay in one place. I want you with us, of course, but even before I found out I was pregnant, I’d been thinking a lot about adjusting my expectations so we can make this work. If I want you in my life, I need to accept that you might not always be physically around.”

I blinked. “I can’t even think about music right now. That all seems so…unimportant compared to this.” I shook my head. “I can tell you one thing—I’m not going to wanna be away from our kid, or you, for any length of time. So while I do need to figure out what that means in terms of the band, it’s not gonna be tonight. Right now, I just want to bask in this—because, Lala…we’re having a baby.” My mouth curved into a smile. “There’s nothing bigger than that. I’m scared as fuck…but so happy.”

She beamed. “I’m happy and scared, too. But I know you’re gonna be the best dad to our child. Even if neither one of us knows what the hell we’re doing.”

Our child.

It felt surreal in the best possible way.

A disheveled man approached us. “Spare some change?”

“Dude, I just found out I’m gonna be a father.” I lifted my arms up and repeated, “I’m gonna be a dad!”

The man flashed a toothless grin. “Well, that’s great, man.”

I reached into my pocket and handed him a wad of cash. “Tonight’s the best night of my life, and hopefully this makes your night.”

The man looked down at the money in his palm and started to cry. “You don’t know how much this means.”

I patted him on the shoulder. “Take care of yourself.”

“You, too. And congratulations!” he said before limping away.

After he left, the shock started to wear off, replaced by nothing but pure excitement.

I yelled out into the street. “I’m gonna be a father!”

“Fuck you!” someone from one of the apartments across the road yelled back.

Lala wiped tears of laughter from her eyes.

I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her forehead. “Let’s go home.”

***

That night, in Lala’s bed, I lay my head gently against her stomach. I’d been in such a stupor earlier that I’d forgotten to ask how long she’d been pregnant. She told me she was about six weeks along. The idea that her belly would be growing larger by the week brought me more joy than you could imagine. The crazy thing was, in my wildest fantasies, I’d imagined Lala pregnant with my baby inside of her. But I’d never dared to think it might actually happen.

“Who else knows?” I whispered against her belly button. “I mean, besides half of Philadelphia after I yelled it out tonight.”

Her belly shook as she chuckled. “My parents. That’s it.”

A rush of adrenaline hit at the thought of her dad wanting to kill me.

I cringed. “How did your father take it?”

“He was shocked, like I was. But I think when he finds out how you reacted, he’s gonna be just fine. He knows I love you.”

I turned to look at her. “He does?”

“Yeah. I told him. We’ve talked a lot about you these past several weeks, even before I knew I was pregnant.” She massaged her fingers through my hair. “He knew how down I was being away from you. I couldn’t hide it from anyone.”

Knowing she’d told her dad she loved me gave me a sense of pride. No one could argue with that.

“We should probably wait until at least twelve weeks to tell everyone else,” she said.

I nodded. “Okay…so you think it’s too soon to tell even the guys and Billie?”

Keeping this inside for another six weeks would kill me. I wasn’t known for holding secrets very well—just the opposite.

She sighed, looking conflicted. “Well, they say to wait twelve weeks or so, because anything can happen before then.” Lala must have noticed me pouting. “Okay…just the guys and Billie. And your parents. But no one else.”

I smiled. “Cool.”

She rubbed her stomach. “It’s only the size of a bean right now.”

My heart sank as fear filled me. That’s freaking small. So incredibly fragile. The thought of anything bad happening to our baby scared the crap out of me. I vowed not to focus on that and to try to believe everything was going to be okay.

“You’re making me want to bubblewrap you, Lala.”

“But then you couldn’t get at me yourself.” She winked.

“Yeah. What was I thinking? Forget that.” I squeezed her side. “I want you to know something…”

“Okay…”

“Even if you hadn’t told me you’re pregnant… I was going to come see you before I left Philly and suggest that we do whatever it takes. Because the past few weeks have been unbearable. We might have no solid logistical plan, but we’re a team. And now… We’re a family. There is absolutely nothing I won’t do to make this work.”

Lala smiled down at me. “Thank you.”

“Thank you.” I returned my attention to her stomach and spoke softly into her skin. “Hey, little bean. It’s your daddy. I don’t think you can hear me yet, but I want you to know I’m rooting for you. I’m gonna start praying really hard that you continue to grow healthy. I don’t want to disrupt the peace in there so early, but I also want you to get ready for some music in the coming months. Because I’m gonna sing to you, whether you like it or not. You’re gonna come out drumming your little fists, too.”

Lala laughed.

“And I want to apologize in advance for my lack of preparation for you,” I added. “I’m probably the last guy you would choose to be your dad. I almost killed a guinea pig with a Hot Cheeto once. But I promise to love you enough to make up for the fact that I’m not perfect.”

***

The following day, I had a few hours to go before I’d reluctantly return to New York. Since Lala had agreed that I could tell my parents, I’d visited them this morning and explained that not only was I in love with Lala Ellison, but we were having a baby. My mother had nearly fainted, while my dad just kept laughing in disbelief. Despite having funny ways of showing it, both of my folks were overjoyed—especially since I was an only child.

I’d already planned to drive back to Philly the following weekend to see Lala again. But I needed to make one important stop during this trip before I left Pennsylvania. It simply couldn’t wait. And I needed to go alone.

It was cloudy when I showed up to the cemetery. Whenever I was home for any length of time, I stopped to visit Ryan’s grave. But this time was perhaps the most important visit of all.

Kneeling down, I laid an ice cream cone in front of his gravestone. Most people brought flowers when they came to a cemetery, but I always brought Ryan his favorite cookies and cream from Mickey’s.

Taking a deep breath in, I looked up at the sky. “I’m just gonna come out with it.” I returned my gaze to the headstone and exhaled. “I knocked up your baby sister, Ry.”

I paused for the harsh reaction I imagined he was exhibiting up in heaven—some expletives thrown my way and perhaps a “How the fuck could you do that to me?”

“Did you ever dream you’d hear me say that?” I continued. “Or maybe you did dream it, and it was your biggest nightmare.” I shook my head. “Either way, I never imagined I’d have to admit this to you.”

Then I remembered my conversation with Lala’s mom. Maybe I was blowing Ryan’s imagined reaction out of proportion.

“I want to believe what your mother told me you said to her, that you would’ve approved of this on the condition that I’d changed. But it’s hard to know whether you’d think I’ve changed enough.”

I picked at some grass. “I’m here to tell you I believe I have. I’m not sure anyone but Lala could’ve made me want to change, Ryan. But love does that, I guess. The time was never right all those years ago when you noticed how I used to look at her. I wasn’t the right man for her then.”

A plane flew overhead.

“The thing is…I don’t know that I’ll ever be the man she deserves. But I do know I’ll love her and our baby more than I’ve ever loved anything. I need you to know that. And I need you to trust me. I’ve got her, brother. I do. I won’t let you down.” I chuckled. “Oh! And if for some reason you had anything to do with that nerd Warren getting that job out in California, thank you.”

I’d promised myself I wouldn’t cry, but my eyes watered when I thought about how unfair life was. “It should’ve been you, Ryan. You’re the one out of all of us who always knew you wanted a family someday. It kills me every day to think about you not getting to experience that. I owe it to you to not fuck this up because you never got the chance to be a dad. My kid is your niece or nephew, which is pretty damn cool, if you ask me. And if it looks like Lala, that means it will have your face, too.” I shook my head. “Okay, that’s fucking weird that I only now realized I’m in love with someone who looks like you. Don’t overanalyze that one, okay?”

I wiped my eyes. “Anyway, I hope you don’t hate me. I mean, let’s face it, if you’re able to see everything that happens down here, I’ve been on the chopping block for a while now.”

Patting the gravestone, I said, “I love you, man. I always will. And my kid will always know what an amazing guy their uncle is. I can’t wait to tell them all of the stories of our childhood. I promise not to make it all about what we lost—but about what we had when you were here. Because, Ryan, you were so much more than your sickness. And I will make damn sure that’s not what you’re remembered for. You were the tie that bound all of us guys. And any one of us would’ve traded places with you, if it meant keeping you here. We love you so much.”

Now my tears were falling again. Damn, it was good I came alone. I stood. “Anyway, take care, my guy. I’ll be back soon. I promise.”

As I walked to my car, a burst of wind knocked the Eagles cap I’d been wearing right off my head. It blew so far away that I would’ve had to sprint to catch it. Instead, I smiled and chose to let it go. That had been Ryan’s favorite cap. He’d always tried to steal it from me.

It seems he finally did.