Chapter 30

CHAPTER 30

Lala

Why am I back here again?

So much had changed since I’d last lived here. My fridge was empty. The apartment was freezing. I missed the warmth of my New York City place. But most of all, there was no Holden next door here. That was most definitely the worst part.

Being back in Pennsylvania was just as bittersweet as I’d thought it would be. Well, more bitter than sweet, if I was being honest. Pretty much the only good thing since arriving was getting to see my mother last night. She’d seemed to have more energy than the last time I was here, and I felt very fortunate that things were looking up with her health.

I’d spent much of today unpacking and getting my apartment back to a livable state. But no matter what I did, it still felt cold and barren. I also spent some time taking down photos of Warren and me. I hoped Holden would be coming to visit soon, and I sure as hell didn’t want him seeing those. My chest felt tight, thinking of Warren and how badly I’d hurt him. Perhaps I deserved the crappy way I felt right now.

Before leaving New York, I’d packed a shopping bag with some of the snacks from my cupboard there. I’d just gotten around to emptying it out when I found a little surprise inside. Holden had stuffed one of his black hoodies in the bag with a note pinned to it.

In case you’re missing me, wrap this around you tonight. (Only fair since I stole a pair of your underwear.)

Smiling, I took the sweatshirt to my face and breathed in the painfully awesome scent. I then wrapped it around myself and zipped it all the way up. It was like a warm hug from Holden. This hoodie wasn’t coming off of me tonight.

Reaching for my phone, I almost texted him but remembered he had a gig this evening. I didn’t want to disturb him.

Instead, I read over the text Holden had sent me earlier today.

Holden: I just listed your apartment for rent, and now I want to vomit. I miss you a fuck ton already. How have you been gone less than twenty-four hours?

I’d been asking myself that question all day.

Needing to get out of this funk, I decided to drive over to my parents’ house. It was after dinner, so we’d probably just sit around in front of the TV or talk.

Mom and Dad were lounging in the living room together when I entered using my key.

My mother straightened. “Laney! I didn’t know you were coming by. I would’ve left some food out. I’ve already put it all away.”

“I’m not hungry, Mom. I’m actually feeling a little sick to my stomach tonight. I just came by for some company.”

Her eyes narrowed. “You’re sick?”

“I think it’s just…depression, honestly. I have no appetite and feel a little queasy.”

“That’s nerves.” My dad nodded.

“I don’t need to tell you we’re happy to have you back early, but what good is it if you’re not happy?” My mother frowned.

My father lowered the volume on the television. “I’ve sensed that something was off with you from the moment you arrived last night, Laney. I’m guessing this is about Holden?”

I sat down on the couch and kicked my feet up. “He and I are sort of in a weird place right now. His career is taking off, and I just moved away, so we’re figuring out where things go from here.”

My mother flashed a sympathetic smile. “You’ve really grown to care about him, huh?”

Caring about Holden wasn’t a strong-enough sentiment. “I love him,” I blurted without thinking it through—because it was the truth.

“Wow.” My mother’s jaw dropped.

Dad sighed. “Okay.”

“Does he know how you feel?” Mom asked.

“I haven’t told him I love him, mainly because I need to hear him say it first. I also don’t want to freak him out or make him feel obligated. If he feels the same, I want it to come from him, without any added pressure from me.”

“You’re not sure he feels the same?” my father asked.

“I know he cares about me, but he’s always stopped short of saying those words. There were times I could’ve sworn he was about to say them, though. He might be scared. Or…he might not feel the same.” I sighed. “But I’m not sure it could ever work between us logistically, regardless of how strongly we feel about each other.”

My mother squinted. “What does that even mean…logistically? Is there some formula that determines whether something fits perfectly into a neat, organized box? Who’s making these rules?”

Her comment gave me pause. Who was making the rules?

“Never mind what you think life should look like.” Mom looked into my eyes. “What do you want, Laney?”

I blinked, pondering her question for a moment. “There’s really nothing else I want right now than to be with him. But this isn’t just my decision. He would have to decide whether he wants the pressure of a relationship in the midst of his music career taking off.”

My mother adjusted her throw blanket and posed another question. “In your mind, what would a future with Holden look like?”

Crazy.

Sexy.

Amazing.

Unpredictable.

“He’d be constantly on the road. I’d be left alone a lot.” I looked away. “Not sure how you have a family with someone who’s gone half the time.”

“Military families do it,” she pointed out.

“Does Holden want kids?” Dad asked.

“I don’t think it’s something he ever really saw in his future.”

She shrugged. “People’s wants and needs change as they mature.”

“That’s true,” I agreed. “Though, I’m in no rush to get married or start a family, either.”

“Sounds to me like fear is the biggest thing keeping you guys apart, then,” she said. “Can I give you some advice?”

“Of course, Mom.”

“I’ve learned a lot about myself and about life since this recent health scare. It’s changed my outlook on certain things.”

I nodded.

“I think sometimes we overthink things to death when we should just be following our hearts and enjoying each moment.”

“You think I’ve been overthinking this?”

She grinned. “Lala, I have never seen you so engrossed in anyone, not even Warren at the height of your relationship, and not even after he asked you to marry him. That says something. Say what you want about Holden, but he’s making you feel things, and that’s not something anyone in this family has had an easy time of since Ryan’s death.” Her smile faded. “We’ve all been pretty much numb for years. Even if it doesn’t work out with Holden, I think you should enjoy this experience for what it is: an important chapter in your life. Chapters don’t last forever. But sometimes they lead to other chapters that lead to happily ever afters.”

“My life is a book? Is that what you’re saying, Mom?” I chuckled.

She laughed. “Every person in our lives comes into it for a reason. We just haven’t figured out if Holden is a supporting character or a leading man for the long haul.”

My father interrupted. “I’ll tell you one thing. If you’d told me years ago that you’d end up with Holden Catalano, I wouldn’t have believed it. I still don’t quite believe we’re having this conversation.” He sighed. “But as I’ve told you before, I trust your judgment, Laney.”

“If she loves him…” Mom said. “She’s just going to have to adjust her expectations about what the future looks like.” She turned to me. “When you were with Warren, you imagined a life where you were at home some of the time and perhaps working part time, with your husband returning from work on the dot every night. But maybe a future with Holden looks different. Maybe it’s not as predictable, but maybe it’s equally as fulfilling. Maybe you would need to take on a little bit more responsibility at home. In the end, if he’s who you were meant to be with, that might be something you’d be willing to do.”

She was right. And I’d been thinking a lot about what a future with Holden might look like, what sacrifices I might be willing to make in order for him to fulfill his dreams. But of course, none of that would matter if he didn’t feel the same way, if he didn’t want me to make those sacrifices. Holden had always seemed to think he might not be right for me. But didn’t I have a say in that?

“I appreciate your perspective, Mom. I always assumed you’d be against the idea of me and Holden, but it’s good to know you’d support me if I decided to do some things differently in order to be with him.”

She smirked. “I should also point out that I ran into his mother the other day at the supermarket.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah, it was very interesting. We both sort of looked at each other a certain way at first. Like we both knew what the other was thinking, but neither of us was sure what we were allowed to say.”

I laughed. “Awkward, huh?”

Mom nodded. “Finally, she came out with it. She said to me, ‘Have you talked to Laney lately?’ I asked her why she was asking. She said she was wondering if you’d happened to mention anything about Holden. I admitted that I knew there was something going on between the two of you, but I wasn’t entirely sure of the status with you moving back and all. She said she’d pretty much written off any hope of Holden ending up with a nice girl, and she was hesitant to get too excited about the prospect of him dating you. But she wanted me to know that Holden would be incredibly lucky to end up with my daughter, and she hoped he would change his ways and settle down someday.”

Of course, that made me miss Holden even more. It meant he’d spoken about me to his mom, which I knew had to be a big deal.

I left my parents in the living room and went to the place I often did when I needed to think—Ryan’s old room. I looked over at his bulletin board with all the photos of him and his friends.

“Oh, Ry. I would give anything to know what you’re thinking of all this. I often wonder if Holden and I would’ve had the balls to go for it if you’d been here. We might have been too scared to hurt you. But I’d like to think you’re not upset at us.” Tears formed in my eyes. “I really wish we could talk right now. I wish a lot when it comes to you, big brother.”

I looked over at a photo of Ryan with his arm around Holden. Their eyes looked hazy, as if they’d been drinking.

I took out my phone and texted Holden, unsure whether his gig was over.

Lala: You never mentioned that you told your mother about us.

He responded right away.

Holden: Why? Did she say something?

Lala: She ran into my mom at the supermarket, and they sort of talked in code until they both acknowledged that they knew we were dating.

Holden: I don’t open up to my mom much. Only about the most important stuff.

My heart fluttered. I beamed and typed.

Lala: Got it.

The little dots moved around for a while before he sent another message.

Holden: Lala…I don’t know if I can do this.

My heart sank to my stomach, and a rush of heat shot straight to my head. Do what? Is he breaking up with me?

Holden: I can’t go too long without seeing you.

I took a deep breath. If my near heart attack wasn’t an indication of my true feelings, I didn’t know what was.