Chapter 29

CHAPTER 29

Holden

“Hey, stranger.” Billie smiled.

“What’s up, Mrs. Lennon?” I looked over at Deek, the tattoo artist whose chair was across from hers, and lifted my chin. “What’s up, man?”

He was currently working on a skull tattoo for a guy who would’ve been scary without a head full of tats.

Deek lifted his chin. “’Sup, rock star?”

“Where’ve you been?” Billie asked. “Oh wait. I know exactly where you’ve been. Doing the dirty with lovely little Lala.” She took one look at my face and turned off her machine. She set the needle in her hand down in its holder. “Oh, no. What happened?”

I shrugged. “Nothing. I just came down to ask you for a recommendation for a special restaurant.”

She squinted. “What’s the occasion?”

“Lala’s last night in town. She decided to go back up to Philly early, to be near her mom. She leaves tomorrow.”

“Shit.” Billie took a rag and wiped the excess ink from the arm of the guy she was working on. “I’ll be done in five minutes. You want to go get some ice cream? I’ve been craving peanut butter chunk since I woke up.”

It wasn’t like I had anything better to do. “Sure.”

Fifteen minutes later, we were down the block at an old-fashioned ice cream parlor. Billie licked her lips as the kid behind the counter scooped two heaping mounds of the flavor she’d ordered onto a cone. She rubbed her pregnant belly as she waited.

“How you feeling?” I asked.

“Pretty good, considering I haven’t slept through the night in a month.” She patted her stomach. “This little guy has taken up residence on my bladder. I don’t drink or eat three hours before bed, yet I still get up at least twice to pee. Last night, Colby was snoring, and it pissed me off, so I kicked him and accidentally woke him up.”

I raised a brow. “Accidentally?”

“Well, yeah. I only meant to bruise him a little. Not wake him.”

I chuckled. “I gotta tell you, I love that a five-foot-nothing little lady is getting even for the shit he did to me when we were kids. He’s a year older, so he used to kick my ass back when we were six and seven, just for fun.”

Billie motioned to one of the tables inside the ice cream store. “Why don’t we sit? I don’t have another client for a half hour.”

“Okay.” I took my strawberry shake and sat across from her as she went to town on her cone.

“So talk to me,” she said between licks. “What’s going on with you and Lala? I thought you were having a great time.”

“We were. But that’s all it was for her—a good time.” I shook my head. “I guess I’m finally getting a taste of my own medicine, after being a love-’em-and-leave-’em guy for the last decade.”

“You have real feelings for her though, right?”

I raked a hand through my hair. “I’m in love with her. I think I have been for most of my life.”

Billie put her hand over her heart. “Oh my God. Don’t say things like that. Because aside from being a pee machine, I’m also super emotional. I think I might cry.”

“Well, then it might turn into two of us bawling.” I sighed. “Man, it really sucks to be used for sex.”

“I don’t think Lala used you for sex. You two had a lot of fun together, didn’t you? I mean, outside the bedroom, too?”

I shrugged. “Yeah, but it’s not enough.”

“Did you tell her how you feel?”

I shook my head. “I don’t want to make it harder on her.”

“Then how do you know Lala doesn’t feel the same way you do?”

“She pretty much told me on more than one occasion. Last night, I asked her if she regretted dumping Warren, and she said no, because being with me made her realize something was missing from her relationship—like good sex.”

“That sounds more like an example of things that were missing than the full list.”

I shrugged again. “It’s not the first time she’s made it clear what we are. Plus, her mom is sick, and she just got out of a long-term relationship. I basically pushed her to jump into bed with me. I’m just her rebound guy.”

“You’re assuming an awful lot, Holden.”

“I’m not assuming anything. I’m hearing how she feels loud and clear through her actions. Lala wasn’t even supposed to leave New York for a couple of months. She got an opportunity to go back home early and jumped at it. I don’t know a lot about relationships, but I’m pretty sure when you’re in love with someone, you run to them and not away from them.”

Billie licked her ice cream and shook her head. “I think you’re making a mistake to leave so much unsaid.”

“If it’s meant to be, she’ll find her way back to me.”

Billie pursed her lips. “You know that old saying about loving someone and letting them go to see if they come back is horseshit, right? If you love someone, you fight for them. You tie them up to keep them, if that’s what you need to do.”

I wished that were true, but the only kind of tying up Lala wanted from me was to the headboard when we fucked.

***

That evening, Lala and I were on our way to One if by Land, Two if by Sea to have dinner and celebrate her last night in New York. Was it really a celebration, though? It felt more like the end of something.

I’d called a car to come get us.

The mood was somber as Lala leaned her head on my shoulder. We both gazed out at the city lights from the backseat. My nose was buried in her soft curls. It still hadn’t fully hit me that tomorrow she’d be gone. I felt numb.

Then my phone vibrated. When I looked down, I saw it was a group text from my manager to the band, and the first word was: URGENT!

I clicked on it.

Daisy: URGENT! You guys, I need you to get down to The Palace stat. The band that was supposed to be playing there tonight had to bail. They called to see if you were available. Of course, I told them yes. Show starts in an hour. If you don’t have time to grab your stuff, they have a house set of instruments.

“Shit,” I muttered.

Lala lifted her head off me. “Who’s that?”

I didn’t want to explain because I planned to refuse to go. But I had to tell her.

“My manager. She wants us to get down to The Palace to play tonight.”

“The Palace?” Lala’s eyes widened. “Even I’ve heard of The Palace. That’s huge. You need to go.”

Despite the fact that my phone was now blowing up with messages from my stoked bandmates, I still insisted that I couldn’t abandon her again, like I had when I’d chosen California over accompanying her home for the weekend.

“No. Fuck that. It’s your last night here. I’m telling her I can’t.”

My fingers were on the keypad when Lala reached her hand over mine to stop me. “You can’t. If you don’t play, no one plays.”

“No,” I insisted. “They can find another drummer to replace me for the night. There are plenty of guys in our circles champing at the bit for that opportunity.”

She shook her head. “No, Holden. It needs to be you.” Lala sighed. “You haven’t come this far to refuse big opportunities like playing at The Palace. Besides, what makes you think I’d rather go out to eat than see you play one more time before I leave the City? We’ll still be together. And I truly love watching you perform. It brings me so much joy.”

My chest tightened. There were two things in this world that brought me joy. Music and her.

Before I could refute it anymore, Lala turned to the driver. “Can you please take us to The Palace instead? I realize that it’s in the opposite direction. I apologize. We’ve had a change in plans.”

The man nodded and turned around at the next intersection.

By the time we arrived at the club, there was barely any time to think. Monroe arrived shortly after we did, followed by Dylan and our guitarist, Kevin. Lala watched as we set up, and within thirty minutes, we were on stage performing.

This show felt especially powerful, not only because of my emotional state tonight, but because I could see Lala clearly in the audience. I particularly loved watching her reaction to my solo. I wondered if this was the last time I’d get to experience having her with me while I played, but I tried to shake that thought from my mind.

Song after song, I beat the shit out of those drums, needing to take out my frustration on something. We definitely rocked it out there, though. The crowd went wild after each and every song, and I suspected we’d be invited back here, on our own merit next time.

When our set ended, I couldn’t fly off that stage fast enough. I abandoned my sticks and ran down to meet Lala in the crowd.

She wrapped her hands around my face. “You’re so amazing, Holden. Do you have any idea how beautiful you are to watch?”

I lifted her up, spinning her around, and kissed her long and hard. “Everything I did up there tonight was for you. All I cared about was whether you were watching me.”

“Are you kidding?” She ran her fingers through my hair. “I couldn’t take my eyes off you.”

Putting her down, I said, “Let’s get the hell out of here.”

I wrapped my arm around her as we headed out of the club, not even bothering to say goodbye to the guys.

“I’m not that hungry,” she said. “I just want to go home with you—because it’s the last night I can say that.”

She’d read my mind. All I wanted was to take her home and make love to her all night long—send her off to Philly in the best way I knew how.

So that’s what I did.

***

The next morning, I got up first to make coffee for Lala since she’d be hitting the road early. While it was brewing, I also decided to…move some things around in her apartment.

Her eyes widened after she wandered out of the bedroom and noticed what I’d done.

“Why are all of the kitchen chairs up against the door?”

Shrugging, I flashed a crooked grin. “I figured if you can’t get outta here, you won’t be able to leave.”

She shook her head and laughed as she walked over to wrap her arms around me.

I lifted her up. “I’m so fucked up right now, Lala. I must’ve been crazy for ever encouraging you to leave early.”

As we fell into a kiss, I decided I needed to have her one more time before she left. I lowered my pants a few inches before sliding her underwear to the side. After leaning her ass against the counter, I slowly spread her legs and pushed inside of her.

“You want me to stop?” I rasped.

“No…” She panted, raking her hands through my hair. “Please… Don’t you dare stop.”

Lala lifted her hips to meet my thrusts, each pounding more intense than the last.

“That’s right. Give me that beautiful pussy,” I groaned.

This was something we were absolutely exceptional at: dodging reality with sex.

“I don’t want you to fucking go,” I muttered into her neck as I sank deeper into her.

When I felt the muscles of her pussy clamp down around me, I let out a guttural sound as Lala’s orgasm echoed through the kitchen. I came so hard that I nearly saw stars.

As we started to come down from it, I said, “I should just stay inside you. That’s another way to keep you from leaving.”

She reached for my face and cupped her hands around my cheeks. “What’s all this getting-me-to-stay stuff all of a sudden? I thought you felt my going back now was the right thing?”

I couldn’t blame her for being confused. “I know I encouraged you to leave so we could figure out if this really could work. But now that the day’s come, I just want to turn back time.”

“This has been the best time of my life, Holden. But I get it. This was always a temporary situation.”

“It’s not the end, Lala. We just have to figure out a new normal.” I kissed her nose and finally forced myself to pull out of her.

Lala returned to her room to get dressed while I prepared bagels for us.

We had a quiet breakfast. Outside the window, I could see it was starting to drizzle. That definitely fit the crappy mood.

After we ate, I carried all of her things out to the car. We lingered on the sidewalk, neither of us wanting to be the first to say goodbye.

I scratched my chin. “I should’ve disconnected your car battery. Then you wouldn’t have been able to leave.” I tugged on her jacket, pulling her to me and placing one last kiss on her lips. “Call me the second you get there. Be careful driving.”

“I will.”

The sun suddenly came out, even though it was still drizzling—perfect symbolism for the indecisive mess I’d become as of late.

I hugged her tightly, then finally let her go.